Post by explorer2001 on Jan 23, 2013 17:33:09 GMT -5
First, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know its not the same, but the starting over board might be able to help. Most of us went throw deciding what to keep and what to get did of in an emotionally charged situation (not the same but still emotional) or had to get all new. You could cross post there.
Personally, I would figure out where you plan to live and how much space you will have first. Then go through it room by room and fill that space.
Also time changes how you feel about some things and so do budget practicalities. I found some things were just functional and carried no associations like the kitchen knives and towels. Other things like the bed, bedding, etc where highly charged and had to go.
Ideally anything that was his can be set aside to donate or deal with later. You are right to get your records, taxes, etc. You will likely want your clothes and personal items. Most everything else is a toss up.
I think I would try just planning to get a new place and start loading up everything that didn't upset me or that I wanted. Leave everything else. Have an appointment to have an estate person come a week or two later. If in the interim you change your mind, you can get items or drop items off at the house (or have a friend help with that.)
I would also plan to make trips to the therapist several times here as those activities will likely trigger very strong emotions.
Good luck, and I'm glad you're leaning on your mom and friends.
I think I need to think of it in 3 categories: 1) Keep, 2) Estate sale, 3) Maybe's, to go into storage. I need to get used to the idea of putting some of it in storage. I think about 70% of the stuff will be estate sale, and I can move forward with that. 30% TBD.
I can live with the regret that comes with having to buy a new functional household item, considering the money I'll have in the bank. I think realistically that's the least of my worries. Thank goodness.
I can appreciate that I'm not supposed to make these decisions now. I assume they would be easier in the future. However, circumstances are forcing my hand. We moved for my job, and we had only been there for a few months. We lived in a small rural town with few housing options with my dog, and we had few friends. There is no way in hell I can stay there now. And I'm moving back to the area I wanted to move back to before all this happened. A lot of the decisions I'm "making" are things I already decided I would do as soon as I could. Paying off my SL's, upgrading my car, and moving back to this region are all things that were on my mind anyway.
I completely get it. I think I'd do all the same things you are doing, honestly. I think this is one of those times when you need to do whatever feels right for you. If you find a year from now you've made the "wrong" choice you can always make another change then. Some things are irreplaceable and I'm glad you're thinking about hanging onto them right now. I think everything else - moving, replacing furniture, getting a new car - can be reversed or changed again if they aren't good long term decisions.
First let me say...I have no idea...this is just an idea
Have you been able to go into the house at all?
I was thinking that someone could literally go in an inventory each room for you....then without being there you can say keep this/get rid of that. Doing it one room at a time might be easier then thinking of one giant estate. At that time, they could also create totes of things you definitely need to go through (desk drawers and the like) to begin to pull that stuff away from the other stuff.
Who would sell an estate for you...perhaps there is a person there that can help you with this process. I'm not sure how estates work. But perhaps whomever is selling it can do it in stages with you (so like after inventorying the living room, they can can come get the stuff to sell and hold it until you have the entire estate together)
I like this idea - getting someone to inventory the place, and then you can pick and choose. Heck, it might even be a service estate sales people offer. And it might make the process easier on you, too.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I lost a family member to suicide late last year. I can imagine that this is so much worse for you since it was your husband. I don't know what the right answer is, but thought I'd share my experience.
We immediately sold their personal belongings to a company that does estate sales. They came and inventoried everything and came up with an estimated price. Once the family signed the contract they came back with moving trucks and picked up everything for us. It was sold at a separate location with items from several other estate sales. I think the whole process took about a month. Things were sold before we even had a chance to have a funeral.
Now that initial shock/anger/devastation is subsiding a little, we all regret that things were sold so quickly. I wish we would have had the opportunity to take a little more time and process everything first.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Jan 23, 2013 21:18:52 GMT -5
When my uncle died last year (leaving a 10 year old daughter and his unable to cope ex wife) other family (aka me) went through all his personal stuff and got rid of it for the ex wife. She couldn't deal with it, but it needed to get done ASAP for similar reasons of practicality to yours.
I would start with everything you know you want to keep- generic kitchen stuff like the toaster, and files or paperwork (you don't need to go through it all right now, but move it all out). I would get rid of dishes, cups, silverware, I think. Honestly if you keep something like a toaster, you can always decide to throw it away next week if it is bugging you. Get a storage facility and out any furniture you aren't sure about. When you buy furniture for your new apartment or house, it doesn't have to be fully furnished right away.
Everyone I know has offered, and I will have some people go with me. But I need to be there as well to make sure I don't miss anything important, like my passport or the title to my car.
I'd rather get it settled now while I'm already grieving, than have to go back to it in 6 months or 5 years or whatever. Life totally sucks right now, might as well do it now.
Edited for clarity.
As awful as this must be, I think this is the right approach. It may be overwhelming now, but I would imagine it will only be harder once you do come out of the immediate grieving period - it could drag you back down, right at a time when you are trying to rise up out of that.
I think a walk-through with a close friend or relative is probably a good idea, then turn whatever you don't take from the walk-through to an estate company to sell/donate.
I hope it goes well for you, whatever you do decide to do.
As you know, unfortunately, I'm in a very similar situation to you.
People might think it's weird that all my husband's things are exactly where he left them the day he died. I mean, I washed clothing and sheets and I put a little bag on his dresser for some of the sentimental items I had of his.
I'm not doing it on purpose--I just have no reason to remove anything and also, I have no help to do so.
I'm keeping everything. We don't own a lot, though...but I am very visual and memories come back to me when I see or use certain items.
I too lived in a rural area for my husband's job and most things were his before we married---but I stayed here the whole year after he died---I wish I could actually stay longer, to tell you the truth. I have no desire to start over and I liked it here and I loved our life here. I don't like the furniture. But I'm too practical to get rid of things that are still perfectly usable.
I'm hiring movers. They'll box Steve's things in tupperware and it will go in my garage in my new place and I can go through it one box at a time when I want to.
I drive my husband's car, I now know there was a place in the house where he was self-injuring, and he died in a public place that I do have to go by and be near from time to time--I just try really, really hard to be strong and have mind over matter. Time definitely helps that.
Don't be hasty and take your time on your decision.
Whatever you decide is right for you...I personally would have no problem using almost everything and keeping everything---that's just me. Every single person is different, though.
When my grandmother based away I waited five months or so to go through stuff. I just paid the bills for a few months until I was ready to deal with it. If I was you I'd just rent a small apartment for a few months and then go through it. If you want to move back in the house I'd have your friends back up the things you aren't ready to deal with and put them in storage.
I think I need to think of it in 3 categories: 1) Keep, 2) Estate sale, 3) Maybe's, to go into storage. I need to get used to the idea of putting some of it in storage. I think about 70% of the stuff will be estate sale, and I can move forward with that. 30% TBD.
I can live with the regret that comes with having to buy a new functional household item, considering the money I'll have in the bank. I think realistically that's the least of my worries. Thank goodness.
I can appreciate that I'm not supposed to make these decisions now. I assume they would be easier in the future. However, circumstances are forcing my hand. We moved for my job, and we had only been there for a few months. We lived in a small rural town with few housing options with my dog, and we had few friends. There is no way in hell I can stay there now. And I'm moving back to the area I wanted to move back to before all this happened. A lot of the decisions I'm "making" are things I already decided I would do as soon as I could. Paying off my SL's, upgrading my car, and moving back to this region are all things that were on my mind anyway.
I can see now why you're so eager to get this process started. I wouldn't want to stay in a new town with no support system either. You're in my thoughts.
I agree that waiting a year isn't practical in your case and your 70/30 approach sounds like a good one. If I was in your shoes, I think I would make a list, room by room, of the things in each one that make me happy. Those would be a definite keep. On another list, I'd write down every single thing I'd need for the new place. Then I'd mentally cross-reference those with the items I already own and add the things that don't have a negative connotation to your keep list. Send a friend in to pack the whole keep list up for you, along with papers and photos. You may want to look at them tomorrow, or you may not want to touch them for 10 years, but make sure they're not gone for good. Once that was done, I'd let his family come in and pick out some of his things they wanted, and then I'd sell the rest.