Flameful Confession

[aegis2005]

Now that we have to schedule a c section DH wants to ask his dad to come down the first weekend we're home to meet the baby.  I know it's important to my husband that he has someone from his family there in the early days, and I love my FIL.  FIL's new wife, while friendly enough, has a nervous energy (she has to be doing something every second) and it can make me uncomfortable when I'm not overtired and recovering from surgery.

I fully plan on sucking it up, because I know it means a lot to my husband.  It's only a few days, and DH's relationship with his dad has been very strange since his mom passed away - so the fact he wants his dad here says something.  That said, I'm a bit concerned I'm going to have a melt down and might need to "disappear" into our bedroom for a good portion of the weekend.

[mrsjason]

Well, the good news is you will be on some strong pain meds so that might help smooth things over

Hopefully it's an uneventful weekend! How exciting you are this close! Be sure to enjoy every moment going forward. Having Macy was the best time of my life.

[babybchbum]

Express your concerns to your husband. Having anyone there the first few days we were home was overwhelming and baby blues didn't help either. Just let DH know you are going to need a lot of his help and while you understand his desire to have his dad there you don't want your FIL to feel out off if you aren't able to entertain as you might normally be able to do.

[mrsmew]

Not at all flameful. That is very nice that you want to do this for your husband, but I would talk to him nonetheless. There is just so much going on right away and having a visitor who might stress you out is not something you want to add to your plate. Could just your FIL come and leave his new wife at home? Maybe say something like you just want to keep things as low-key as possible and want to stay pretty quiet, so maybe just FIL this time but then plan a visit with the both of them soon. Something like that.

That said, if they both do come, I think you can very easily excuse yourself whenever you need to and you should most certainly do so. About a month after DD was born, my dad came to visit to "help." It was my first week alone with her after DH went back to work, so I had no real idea what I was doing, and my dad was so unhelpful that it was so incredibly stressful. I survived only by retreating when it got to be too much, and a new baby provides plenty of excuses - "oh, I want a nice quiet private place to nurse her" or "I need to sleep while the baby sleeps," etc. In my case, DD would only nap if she was touching me so we'd go in my room, nurse, then both nap in my bed. And maybe, if the new wife always needs to be doing something, maybe you can put her to work doing laundry, cooking or cleaning and maybe she'd surprise you and be a big help?

Either way, visitors who come that soon should be very clear on the fact that you are not going to be able to entertain. They should be prepared to help or at the very least, entertain themselves!

[sara76]

Well said mrsmew. Not flameful. Smart to think in advance and plan these types of things out.

Definitely dont feel like you need to entertain. The most important thing during the first few weeks is sleep when the baby sleeps, since they wake often to eat. So that gives good excuses to slip into your room and close the door.

Also, lay down ground rules right away. If I were doing it over again and I had a guest staying over in the first 2-3 weeks I would have laid down rules in the beginning. Rule #1. If you can't figure it out on your own than don't do it. Don't ask questions or for direction. #2. Make yourself at home. Don't be afraid to fix something to eat, and dont ask if its ok. Your energy is best spent learning to take care of baby, not mother in law.

My mom wanted to undertake these projects like clean my windows, which would entail me finding her supplies and using up my stash of paper towels. That kind of thing stressed me out. Now I know I would let her know ahead of time that if she wants to help- here's how... the simple things. Laundry and cooking and cleaning the dishes. But don't wait on me and don't ask me how I do everything. Just do it. Be mellow. Ommmmm. Oh and HOLD the baby so you can get sime shuteye or a shower. Those are the things that are very helpful. My moms visit might have been less stressful for me if I'd have been up front with these things. It might have even been awesome. Because honestly, you will want a little help with the simple things while you're recovering. You can do it on your own, even after surgery, but the time just goes sooooo fast. Before you know it its the middle of the night and you've got nothing done and its time to take care of the baby. (They're nocturnal for a few weeks, as you know). So someone who can work independently could really be a big help.

[amellis2]

I don't think it is flameful. I would wait until a week or two after so that you all can settle into some semblance of a routine, if that is at all possible.

[alzi]

you are a saint. not that my mom is coming right away, but i flat out told her i didn't want any house guests immediately after i get home.

[cop]

That's not flameful at all.  I agree with the others that said to have a frank talk with your husband.  I wouldn't personally want someone staying at my house that soon after having a baby, but since it is important to your husband I would impress upon him that you will need the flexibility to escape to your room if you get overwhelmed.  You should not be expected to hold court and entertain other people while simultaneously recovering from major surgery and adjusting to life with a newborn.  If your SMIL needs something to do, have your H think up some ways to keep her busy.  If she's a good cook, maybe you can put her to work building up a freezer stash of dinners for those long sleepless nights.

[tashaandsage]

I don't think flameful at all! I didn't want anyone staying with us after the birth of my first. Daytime visitors were appreciated, but i really wanted to get a feel of what it would be like to be our little family of 3 settling into our routine at night from the start. But I think it's very sweet of you to be okay with it for your husband. Aside from seeing if you could push it back a week or so, I would agree you should not feel the slightest bit bad about escaping to your room or wherever whenever you need to. Don't worry about entertaining them and take advantage of their help. And definitely utilize your FIL's wife's busybodiness by letting her tend to stuff like laundry, cooking, cleaning so that you can rest, recover and enjoy your baby boy.

[aegis2005]

I told DH that I thought it would be best if FIL and his wife come down the second weekend. I said it would be our luck that Shane would flip and my OB would have me wait it out - then they'd be here with no baby. He agreed that was probably smart.

Do I think the baby is going to flip? No - but that's besides the point

Thanks for the ideas ladies, I'm going to make sure I have a list of things she can do that will be helpful and keep her busy.

[surfbetty530]

I am so late on this post but your confession isn't flameful at all! Want to hear something flameful? I told my Mom she couldn't bring my Gma up 2 weeks after I had the baby.  

I would just ask your Husband to make sure he says something to them like "Poor Heather, she'll need lots of sleep and recovery time after her surgery". That way, if you head to your room, they'll expect it.