My best friend lives in London, and is having a baby in April. I, of course, want to visit her when the baby comes, and my husband and I had talked about it and agreed to it.
So I was looking at flights last night, and I asked my husband last night "Does Memorial Day weekend sound like a good time for me to visit K?" He balked, and said "I want to go too!"
Here's the thing though -- I think he wants to go because he wants to visit London (again) and do fun London things and such. I am seeing this as a time to hang out in my friend's flat, and play with the baby, and help with stuff that she needs help with. So I kind of think that it makes sense for me to go alone, since he has zero interest in baby stuff?
On the other hand, I definitely do understand why he'd want to go on a trip if I get to go on a trip. But I constantly encourage him to plan trips with his friends -- he's free to do that when he wants to (but he never plans things, and his friends are generally lame anyway, so things don't happen all that often).
He also has a chip on his shoulder about how I always go away without him because last month I went to Georgia to visit my 92 year old grandfather in a rehab facility (note: my husband was invited but declined to go, and the trip was about as fun as it sounds). Oh, and I went to several places last year for work (which was awful in my mind). The last one of us who took an actual leisure trip without the other was when he went to a friend's bachelor party in New Orleans, which I didn't mind at all. So things aren't that uneven.
This turned into a rambling vent maybe more than a question. Sorry!
But at any rate, the question is -- do you think I should go alone (and that it is fair to go alone), or should I bring him along and hope that he is good about the actual unglamorous purpose of the trip?
See, my husband would never go with me ona trip like this so its hard for me to relate. My H is kind of a homebody, so I do lots of trips with my friends or by myself. For instance I did my amazing cross country train trip two years ago by myself.
I would just talk to him aobut what he wants to do in London. If he wants to do London stuff, is he OK doing that on his own? Is he going to get pissy if you just want to hang out with the baby all day? That kind of stuff.
My BFF in Toronto is having a baby. We agreed its better for me to go alone for the first visit so I can help out and it's less of an inconvenience on them. I didn't want them to feel like they and to "entertain" us when I want to help out with the baby.
Are you staying with your friend? If so, I would tell h not to come because no new mom wants houseguests who aren't there to help. Even if she won't say that, she feels that way.
If you ate staying in a hotel, I don't seewhy he ccouldn't come, but tell him you are there for friend and not to be mad when you are neglecting him on vacation.
Are you staying with your friend? If so, I would tell h not to come because no new mom wants houseguests who aren't there to help. Even if she won't say that, she feels that way.
Definitely this. Especially if she's a first time mom trying to breast feed...it can take awhile to get a handle of it.
I would just make it clear to him that this isn't going to be a fun, touristy trip for you. You'll be helping friend out with new baby, and he's welcome to come along and sightsee on his own or something.
What I would do is tell him about the trip, and ask if he has any desire to even go. Both DH and I travel for work and its not fun travel, but for trips with friends like that I would at least talk to my H about it. At this point in our lives though DH and I won't travel for fun without each other,since we have such limited time together as it is.
As long as he understands the nature of the trip and that he's on his own for fun stuff, then I wouldn't care. But I'd be sure to really spell it out beforehand so the expectations are clear.
This is where I fall. I'd tell him he can go, but that I'll be hanging out w/ my friend. If he wants to go out and sight-see, he's more than welcome to, but it will be alone. And tell him to REALLY think about this. If he's cool w/ it, then great, come. But if in reality, he'll be upset that you aren't going w/ him, then he needs to not go.
How does your friend feel about having your H visit right after she's given birth? If it were me, I'd probably really like to see (and have some help from) my BFF, but depending on the relationship, I"m not sure how I'd feel about her H joining.
Just one more angle to consider?
I'd probably rather go alone in this case. I think it's perfectly fair for you to go without him. Would he be appeased if you started planning another trip together (to where ever) for another time?
Post by runblondie26 on Jan 30, 2013 8:57:40 GMT -5
It's a time for you to spend with your friend and help out with the new baby. No matter how unobtrusive DH is in your plans, I'm sure your friend would appreciate not having to think about another guest. The newborn phase is stressful, and you're anxious about everything, real or imagined.
If he'd be O.K. with going sightseeing by himself, I would tell him he's welcome to come.
But if he would be bugging you the whole time to hang out with him and do touristy things, I'd just flat-out tell him that you're there just to see your friend and in that case it's best if you guys plan another trip just for yourselves at some point. And if you're staying at your friend's place, definitely tell him that it's not going to work and if he insists on coming then he needs to get a hotel.
A compromise, if you have enough vacation time to swing it, might be to make London a stop on a bigger trip. Maybe take the train to Scotland or Paris, or get on a plane to mainland Europe, and make that the touristy part of your trip.
I never thought about her trying to breastfeed and all that. If you are going to stay with your friend, he doesn't need to go.
I don't have any kids, but I remember my sister trying to get my nephew to breastfeed and being in tears because her house was filled with people and she didn't feel comfortable displaying her breadfeeding struggles in front of everyone.
As long as he understands the nature of the trip and that he's on his own for fun stuff, then I wouldn't care. But I'd be sure to really spell it out beforehand so the expectations are clear.
I agree.
I would be ok if he flew over with me, but I would be very clear that I intended to spend the time with my friend and her baby being "boring." He will be on his own for sightseeing and everything else. That might change his mind.
I'd let him come if he wants to, but I'd make sure that he understands that you will NOT be doing any tourist things with him and he will be expected to help with the baby.
Is he the sort that would sight-see independently? Would it bother either of you if you spent time with your friend and he did stuff on his own?
I'd also ask him if this is more of a tit-for-tat thing with trips versus an actual interest in going. If he feels like he doesn't get to do all the travel you do (as you mentioned), do you guys do your own trips together? Maybe he just wants a vacation.
Ditto everyone. Make sure your H understands that your main focus is to hang out with your friend and her new baby and to help her while you are there. Are you staying at a hotel or her place? If your DH goes, get a hotel.
I agree with the others that I would make the expectations really clear about the purpose of the trip. If you do that, and he still wants to go - then I'd be fine with it. Honestly though, and maybe this is just me, but only person I wanted around me 24/7 for the first few months was my mom (besides H), so if my BFF came to visit me I would encourage her to take some time to do that touristy stuff with her H. Not all the time, and not that I wouldn't have loved the help, but I definitely still wanted some downtime even a month post-baby. bUt I could be in the minority in that.
I would just make it clear to him that this isn't going to be a fun, touristy trip for you. You'll be helping friend out with new baby, and he's welcome to come along and sightsee on his own or something.
Agree. I can't see planning a transatlantic trip and telling my DH he can't come. As long as he understands he'll be on his own most of the time then I think it's fine.
ETA - I would tread carefully with "if you come, you have to help with the baby". The new mom is YOUR best friend, and I'm sure she likes your DH just fine but she may very well not want him around all the time because he's not her BF or immediate family. You guys should take your cue from your friend rather than setting your own expectations of how the trip will go (beyond telling your DH he should be prepared to be on his own if that's what works best for the new parents).
I agree with the others that I would make the expectations really clear about the purpose of the trip. If you do that, and he still wants to go - then I'd be fine with it. Honestly though, and maybe this is just me, but only person I wanted around me 24/7 for the first few months was my mom (besides H), so if my BFF came to visit me I would encourage her to take some time to do that touristy stuff with her H. Not all the time, and not that I wouldn't have loved the help, but I definitely still wanted some downtime even a month post-baby. bUt I could be in the minority in that.
You aren't. I would be the same way too. If you were to come visit me I would demand you go out and do fun stuff.
Why not both of you go and either get a hotel room or stay with your friend while you help her and he sees the sights? I don't get why his going too means that he has to stay cooped up in the apt. all day with your friends and the baby?
I'm another one that agrees that if he understand the reason for the trip and that he might be on his own for fun things, then have him come along. That assumes that you are not staying with your friend though, because I think that would be too much.
Where I left it with him last night is that I was going to see the baby and help out, and not to do fun London things, so if he was also going to be going to see the baby and help out that is great and he should come along, but if he was going because it is fun to go to London that wasn't the right reason. Or if he wanted to go because he's still bitter that I got to go to the outskirts of Charlotte (twice!) last year to review hundreds of boxes of 30+ year old documents in an unairconditioned warehouse while he was cruelly stuck in New York City, that wasn't the right reason.
I didn't even think of the possibility that he would do fun London things while I was, like, doing laundry and stuff. That isn't fair! But I see your point there. He'd be fine off doing things by himself, so I guess that makes sense. And I'll just be jealous of him if he comes and gets to do fun things without me
I'll run him coming by my friend, but they've known each other for 15 years and were friends before he and I started dating (she is my best friend from high school, but we all went to college together), so I'd imagine she's quite comfortable with him. I'd like to see if we can stay in a hotel near her flat because I'd imagine that would be better for her at that time of her life than house guests (right?)
I think you should go alone. But if your H really wants to go, then tell him up front that he will need to keep himself occupied the whole time since you will be hanging out with and helping your friend, and she may not want your H hanging around her flat if she is trying to nurse the baby, etc.
Where I left it with him last night is that I was going to see the baby and help out, and not to do fun London things, so if he was also going to be going to see the baby and help out that is great and he should come along, but if he was going because it is fun to go to London that wasn't the right reason. Or if he wanted to go because he's still bitter that I got to go to the outskirts of Charlotte (twice!) last year to review hundreds of boxes of 30+ year old documents in an unairconditioned warehouse while he was cruelly stuck in New York City, that wasn't the right reason.
I didn't even think of the possibility that he would do fun London things while I was, like, doing laundry and stuff. That isn't fair! But I see your point there. He'd be fine off doing things by himself, so I guess that makes sense. And I'll just be jealous of him if he comes and gets to do fun things without me
I'll run him coming by my friend, but they've known each other for 15 years and were friends before he and I started dating (she is my best friend from high school, but we all went to college together), so I'd imagine she's quite comfortable with him. I'd like to see if we can stay in a hotel near her flat because I'd imagine that would be better for her at that time of her life than house guests (right?)
Do both - spend some time with your friend and the spend a few days playing happy tourist with your husband. You could both fly out together and do the fun stuff first and he could fly home early or you could fly out early and have him meet you towards the end for a few days to do the fun touristy things.