Everyone else pretty much nailed several points that I can also relate to.
I never had an "a-ha" moment about not wanting to have kids, I feel like I've always known I guess? I can never remember a time when I felt the desire to have kids, even when all my friends started having them. The only feeling I had, really, was like, ugh, great, everyone is starting to have kids, less people who can hang out on a whim! And, this will make me feel more and more like I need to have them. We are very close with DH's best friend and his fiance, and I am pretty sure they are going to start having kids right away when they get married. Isn't that awful that I'm bummed out about them having kids!? They are so fun. lol.
Like many of you have mentioned, I really lack that maternal instinct. DH and I got married when we were 29. When we were engaged, DH said to me, out of the blue (knowing that I lacked any desire to have kids), "I think I might want to have a child, just one." I took off my ring and gave it to him, I told him there is no way I would marry him knowing full well we disagreed on something major like that, because there really is no compromise. The next day, he told me it didn't matter if he had kids or not, he just wanted to be with me (which I still question to this day whether he meant it or was just scared to lose me).
I like my freedom. I like to spend my money on fun stuff, and save some for our next house. The thought of having to come up with $1,000 a month for daycare alone scares the crap out of me. I like to sleep in. I have NO patience. I have a fear of vomit. (lol). I can't hold a baby without it crying. Nor do I really enjoy holding them. Being around my nephews (4 and 2, with one on the way) exhausts me.
DH's uncle and his wife never had kids, and he told me one time that they had NO regrets, and this resonated with me.
I turned 32 in November, and I am just taking the kids thing one day at a time. I am focusing on how I feel about it NOW; I might completely do a 180 in a year, who knows, I am not eliminating anything. But even now, even after everyone said I'd change my mind, I still haven't and no matter how hard I try, it is really hard to see me changing my mind down the road.
Post by simplyinpenguin on Feb 4, 2013 19:28:44 GMT -5
I knew since I was a teenager that kids were not going to be in my future. I was constantly being volunteered to babysit this kid or that kid by my parents and they would be horrendous little bastards. Not to mention, I know that I WILL beat my kids when they misbehave because that's what my dad did and now, I have no patience for children (and am a seriously messed up adult. I like them in the baby stage because they're cute, they sleep a lot but once they start walking, I don't want any part of them. I will harp over my friends' babies but, once they start walking, it's "sayonara".
Being in customer service for 10 years also helped me enforce my decision. Watching children having meltdowns, tantrums, destroying things more often than not has really made me cringe and thank my lucky stars that I will never be saddled with that, much to the chagrin of my parents, who keep mentioning that I need to pop out a unit every time I see them.
I always wanted kids. Xh and I tried for years. When it didn't happen, I kept reminding myself of all the great things about not having kids- sleeping in, more money, doing whatever I want whenever I want. I think I actually convinced myself that life would be better without kids and now I think I could be perfectly happy without my own children. It's entirely possible I could change my mind in the future, I haven't ruled that out.
Or did it hit you sometime in adulthood that you just don't want to have kids, even though maybe as a teenager or younger adult you figured you'd end up with a kid or two?
Was there ever a transition for you from wanting kids in the future to changing your mind altogether? Do you see yourself ever changing your mind to want kids?
No reason, this isn't a spinoff of anything. I'm just curious.
It wasn't a single moment in time. As a teenager, I always thought I'd have a couple of kids because that is what people did. I got older. I made myself a life without having kids (or a spouse) and was happy with that. I realized I'd never had any overwhelming desire to be a parent, I love babies and caring for babies, not as interested once they start being mobile--and don't feel the need to have one of my own. I met DH when we were in our early thirties. We've always told people we'd adjust and be happy, great parents if I ever got pregnant but we had no intentions of ever trying. We never bothered to tell people that doctors deemed DH only ever had a 1-3% chance of fathering a child due to a childhood medical issue(and those odds were with medical intervention). Neither of us has any desire to go through medical intervention given our general disinterest in being parents. Neither of us has any real desire to pass on our medical issues to another generation. I don't see this changing in our 40s.
I remember knowing from a very early age that I never wanted to be a mother. Mabye like 5 or 6 years old? When I played house with friends I would be the dog or the horse....haha, never the mom. I think my parents knew that I was a determined child who clearly knew what she wanted when I asked for a hysterectomy for my 9th birthday. Do not ask me how the hell I knew what that was at that age, but somehow I picked up on the fact that a hysterectomy meant you never would have children and I wanted that!
I am 28 years old now and happily married. I had the "talk" on my first date with my husband that I never wanted children and I would not change my mind. He never really wanted children either and felt like he should have kids after he got married because "that is just want you do". I think after he really thought about a life without children and all the wonderful things that can be possible because of that, he became certain in his decision to not have children.
I have been told I will change my mind, I am selfish for not wanting children....the list goes on. I do not see myself ever changing my mind as I have never had any urge, want, or need to have a child. I am very happy, my husband is happy, and we love our life together.
Post by thedutchgirl on Feb 4, 2013 21:18:18 GMT -5
I also am going to freeform, as opposed to answering your questions like a poll.
Several posters have commented about how they have no maternal instinct. For me, that's not true at all. My dog is my baby. As a kid, I babysat from age 11 on. I'm great with babies. I think I'd be a very good mother if I had a child. I have a tendency to care take for others--husband, friends, etc. I think that part of my nature is a lot of what makes me, as an adult, not want children. I simply don't have the time or energy for it, or I don't want it enough (at all) to change my life to have that time or energy. I have a very demanding job, and I try to maintain my marriage, my friendships, and my familial relationships as well. Without giving something up, I couldn't manage a child if I wanted to.
And that's the thing. I don't want to. I've never really wanted to, although I flirted with the idea in my late teens and early 20s. But it didn't take long to revert to feeling like parenthood was something I really wasn't interested in. I always left it open, as I find that saying things like "I never want to do XXXXX" invariably means you'll do so in about 2 years. But it never changed.
My husband and I started dating almost 11 years ago. I told him up front that at that point I didn't really want kids and that if he really wanted them, I wasn't the girl for him. He was at that "I just always thought I would" stage. As the years have passed, his desire for kids never kicked in, and neither did my so-called biological clock. I'm 35 now. I think it has no batteries. And as our good friends have had children, and we've observed that, we are both more sure that we don't want kids. Not a whole lot of time left for mind-changing. But right now, the life I have is pretty great, and I simply don't want to change it for something I'm not very interested in doing.
I'm sorry, scotty. Yikes I've been fortunate in that I have a lot of childfree friends, & live in a small subdivision without community activities. There are the few acquaintances who try to convince us to have kids, but our families & parent friends are all awesome & super supportive.
I always wanted kids. Or maybe it was partly because it was expected, just something you did when you got married. I have wonderful parents and I had a great childhood and it never occured to me NOT to have children. With my first husband, we found out he was unable to have children after a year of trying. We tried three rounds of IVF which were all unsuccessful. Our marriage deteriorated for other reasons, but he did tell me at that point he thought maybe he didn't want kids after all. Ouch. My second husband already had two kids from a previous marriage. I've been a step mom to his son and daughter since they were 7 and 5 respectively. My h had a vacsectomy before we met, so I knew while we were dating that kids were out of the question. Yes, he could have tried to have it reversed, but he was pretty happy with two kids and no more. I was happy with my role in their lives as a step mom, but if I'm being completely honest, their teenage years have taken such a toll on me personally and our marriage, that they've essentially cured me of my baby blues. DSD is now 16 and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us. I'm concentrating on life after kids and the freedoms it will bring us as a couple. A part of me will always wonder what it would be like to have my own child, but I think I'm pretty much at peace with where we are at this point.
When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and have a house, white picket fence, etc. Kids were apart of this.
Then I was in college. I had no care in the world and was partying it up. I was independent and didn't want that to change.
Even when I met H, it didn't really change.
We aren't 100% sold on not wanting kids or sold on having kids. We have a lot of stuff we want to do before we think kids.
I am just terrified I will be a terrible mother. I have a short temper. I get upset easily. I know that I need to grow up before I think about having kids. I also need a job and we need to save up money and pay off my student loans.
I really want to want kids, which is why I constantly feel like we're in the "maybe someday" camp vs "definitely no". Even though as time wears on, I wonder how long we can really keep pushing back having kids.
I think I'd be a good mom, and I do have some nurturing instincts. But I don't know that we'd be good parents together, and I don't think either of us would be happy to make the sacrifices necessary to have them - it would be a huge financial strain anytime within my fertile years and we like to buy and do stuff. Also, neither of us is planning on working less and I cannot imagine us taking care of a kid on top of working. We're too lazy.
So... who knows. Maybe someday I'll get baby rabies but there were 2 babies at my house last night and my favorite thing about the babies was the way my golden retriever was so gentle and sweet with them. Not... you know... the BABIES. They are cute and all but I'm much more interested in my dogs. So... probably best not to have kids unless that changes.
I too fear all my friends/sisters having kids. I think everyone wants them, and it bums me out that life is going to change without my consent. I'm going to be happy for them and all, but sad that I can't hang out with them in the same way anymore, or really ever again. We need to meet some childfree couples to hang out with.
I've always been slightly uncomfortable around babies (you should see a photo of me when I was in college, holding my newborn 2nd cousin, omg). I babysat as a teenager and was even a nanny for a summer, but it's never been something I've loved.
Right now I'm pretty much in the middle - never say never, but I would be just fine not having kids, too.
I feel, sometimes, like it's a club, to be a mother. I've been slowly excluded from people's lives, and that is hard. They ask me when we're having kids and it's like, 'If I say 'never' or 'most likely no' will you still talk to me or are you going to keep that weird pitying look in your eye?'
I sometimes feel like having a kid(s) just so that these neighborhood moms will talk to me. I had one kid of a mom blurt out that her mom thought that we were weird for not having children. Awesometacular, kid. All of the 'hood events are child-based. All. It is Breederville, where I live, though. We didn't realize to what extent. Not sure it's a good representation of many neighborhoods. Or, IDK, maybe it is.
Then there are the cool mom friends who understand. Thank god for those. We understand each other, I think. We don't want to be viewed differently for our choices.
It is absolutely a club. Moms hang out with other moms. Even moms who used to hang out with me hang out more with other moms whom I introduced. I introduced them to each other! WTF?! Yes, they don't even invite me anymore, even when they're not with their children.
I have to say, every time I hear about a friend being KU, I feel a little sad for me. LOL! One of my cousins recently told me she and her husband are trying to get pregnant and I was all, "YAY!" but inside I was bummed. We have had so much fun going to see them and meeting up on trips and it's almost over Wah wah wah!
I will say most of my mom friends are pretty awesome about going out for drinks (or trips), and I definitely don't mind hanging with their family. Kids are super easy to get along with; you just need to be goofy and have fun.
Also, I feel like I had a lot of friends a few years ago that were all, "Yeah, I don't know if I want kids. Probably not..." Turncoats, all of them!!!!
When did you realize you don't want kids? When I was about 18.
Did you always know? As a mostly adult? Yes. Even as a kid, I never said I was going to have babies though.
Was there ever a transition for you from wanting kids in the future to changing your mind altogether? No. It was really a realization when I was 18 that I didn't have to have kids (i.e. I had a choice) and I've stuck with it since.
Do you see yourself ever changing your mind to want kids? I'm 36, my first husband had a vasectomy when I was 24. I'm getting essure this year (thanks to Papie and her IUD pregnancy! I currently have an IUD. However, if I got pregnant, I'm 90% sure I'd abort.)