Does your DH ever apologize?

[krisandgrace]

This is a total vent.

Last night DH had to work late, this happens periodically when he is working on a project.  I kept getting text updating when he thought he would be home starting with 7:30 and ending with 8:45PM. He called when he was on the road and I asked if he was the only one who had to work that late or if other people were there too. I honestly had no tone, I was being sypathetic and he said it really bothered him when I asked thim that. He said it in a really bitchy way. When he got home he acted nicer then normal and just said nothing about our conversation.
 
This is his typical MO. Act like an ass then be nice and pretend it never happened. I don't know if it is my hate for winter and the fact that we have been stuck inside with each other but this little slight makes me want to toss him out a window. If he could just apologize for his tone and explain why asking him a simple question pissed him off I would be good.

Does your DH apologize? Has anyone trained their DH to do this?

[mbcdefg]

He apologizes after a fight, or after I call him out on a nasty tone of voice (usually after some protest that he wasn't being nasty at all and I was just trying to start an argument).

If I don't call him out on a nasty tone of voice, he usually doesn't apologize for it. Not unless it was pretty over-the-top and obvious. I know that he doesn't have a lot of patience when it comes to things like traffic, working later than normal, etc., and he gets frustrated so easily that sometimes I honestly don't think that he's aware of how he speaks. He's gotten better about it, though.

[Deleted]

Not really. He also pretends it never happens

Whst bugs me the most is that instead of apologizing for something he just gets all angry at himself. So when he did something wrong, I used to end up comforting him! I stopped doing that of course. I've learned to say my piece, ignore his reaction, and then let him pretend it never happened. I just make sure I am heard.


ETA: we virtually never fight or argue. I'm talking 'you left the garage door open all night' kind of things

[Deleted]

From that story I don't think your H acted like an ass. I think you guys had a misunderstanding. My H works late periodically (7:30 PM is average for him getting home even when he is not working late) and I think he might be offended if he thought I was implying he shouldn't have worked late because not everyone else did, or whatever. (Not saying that's what you meant, but that may be how he took it.) It is hard on both parties when routine is disrupted, not just the one left at home waiting on updates.

In this case we would both apologize. I would say I'm sorry that my tone sounded bitchy; it wasn't intended that way and probably came out the wrong way because I'm anxious and feeling down lately. He would apologize for concluding that I was being bitchy and not giving me the benefit of the doubt.

We are both quick to apologize. It is a way of acknowledging and validating the other person's feelings after an argument or fight. We use it as a jumping off point to discuss what happened rationally and try to stop it from happening next time.

Honestly we were not that great with it for a long time. We had to have a sit down about the way we argued before DD was born because we (mostly me) would get mean and petty in arguments and I didn't want a child to see that. We agreed to new terms of arguing, which included apologies and trying to assume positive intent/see the other person's side. 

[Deleted]

He does. Though often when we are cranky with each other, we both just separate for a half hour and are fine.

We don't really have big fights.

[Deleted]

I usually address things like this immediately or I let it go. It's generally a misunderstanding or he's agitated with something else, so it's not something I feel the need to rehash when we get home. If something bothers me that much I'll call him out when he first gets snippy with me. I probably would have said, "oh, sorry, I didn't mean anything by it, I just wondered if everyone else was working late.." Then he eases up and tells me why he's agitated.

[krisandgrace]

Feb 12, 2013 8:57:53 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

From that story I don't think your H acted like an ass. I think you guys had a misunderstanding. My H works late periodically (7:30 PM is average for him getting home even when he is not working late) and I think he might be offended if he thought I was implying he shouldn't have worked late because not everyone else did, or whatever. (Not saying that's what you meant, but that may be how he took it.) It is hard on both parties when routine is disrupted, not just the one left at home waiting on updates.

In this case we would both apologize. I would say I'm sorry that my tone sounded bitchy; it wasn't intended that way and probably came out the wrong way because I'm anxious and feeling down lately. He would apologize for concluding that I was being bitchy and not giving me the benefit of the doubt.

We are both quick to apologize. It is a way of acknowledging and validating the other person's feelings after an argument or fight. We use it as a jumping off point to discuss what happened rationally and try to stop it from happening next time.

Honestly we were not that great with it for a long time. We had to have a sit down about the way we argued before DD was born because we (mostly me) would get mean and petty in arguments and I didn't want a child to see that. We agreed to new terms of arguing, which included apologies and trying to assume positive intent/see the other person's side. 


Your right and I usually can let something like this go but I realized this is the third time he has snapped at me for something little in the last week. We were just stuck inside for three days with the storm and he is under pressure at work but I am thinking we need to have a talk about this because I don't want it to build up to a more major resentment.

[chessie]

Generally we just drop arguments, no apologizing needed. We discuss everything even if it does lead to a disagreement, but we rarely stay angry for long, especially for something so silly.

[momof2boys]

He does apologize...I just realized that I am the one who never apologizes

[Velvetshady]

^o) the "training" comment. I didn't marry a dog. My DH does apologize when he's wrong, or has been cranky, or pissed at work and not in a good mood with me. I wouldn't have married someone that didn't do that.

You didn't ask this, but did *you* apologize to him for the above? Because WTF does it matter if other people had to work late or just him? Are you thinking he was happy about having to work late? Because I'd guess he was already cranky and frustrated at having to work late and that it kept taking longer than he anticipated. Are you thinking that he wasn't really working late? The only reason *I* can think that you would ask that question is because you didn't believe him, either you think he wasn't working or something worse. So I totally get why he responded like he did and I'd say *you* need to apologize to him for questioning him. Unless you *do* think he's hiding something from you...

[Deleted]

Sometimes I tell my husband I expect or would like an apology but it doesn't have to be right in that moment. I also own my part in the situation and apologize depending on the situation.

[soozy87]

Feb 12, 2013 8:48:41 GMT -5 krisandgrace said:

Does your DH apologize? Has anyone trained their DH to do this?

My husband apologizes. I did not train him to do it, he is not a dog.

[mrssandro]

DH rarely apologizes but he will talk a issue out to death.

In this OP I don't think DH owes you an apology. Sure he was a little snippy but he just got off work and was just tired. If I apologized for every time I am snippy to my DH that is all I would be doing all day.

[changedname]

Honestly my DH only apologizes if I do. Even if I did nothing wrong I end up apologizing for whatever just so he will and we can move on. It's like he physically cannot get the word "sorry" out of his mouth. He is also the king of passive aggressive apologies such as "I'm sorry you thought I was being rude" Instead of "I'm sorry I was rude". That makes me mad..


He does apologize for big things though - above I'm talking about regular bickering like yours in the OP. I agree with Mrs Sandro - I would have just let that go, that is not worth squeezing an apology out of him.

[cjeanette]

Feb 12, 2013 8:54:39 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Yes, my H would generally apologize when we used to get in disagreements. I'm probably the one who is more stubborn when it comes to apologizing.

this

[Deleted]

Yes. I make him. LOL

[Deleted]

Feb 12, 2013 8:57:53 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

Honestly we were not that great with it for a long time. We had to have a sit down about the way we argued before DD was born because we (mostly me) would get mean and petty in arguments and I didn't want a child to see that. We agreed to new terms of arguing, which included apologies and trying to assume positive intent/see the other person's side. 

This is great. I need to work on this (especially assuming positive intentions).

[Deleted]

Yes, he apologizes. We are both pretty good at it-- neither of us likes to argue.

[krisandgrace]

Feb 12, 2013 9:33:45 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

My husband is good at apologizing, but I will also re-open a subject later on if I don't feel we addressed it in the moment. So when he got home, I might bring up that I didn't appreciate his tone on the phone - except honestly, I think in your case I'd start with apologizing for implying that he stayed late at work just for fun. Because no sane person does that.

 I think that maybe this is what he got angry about, I was asking if he was the only one becasue I thought it would be less sucky if everyone had to stay and work on the project then just him alone. I do realize how stupid and petty this is but it got me thinking about the way we bicker and how I do end up apologizing but really doesn't.

As for the training comment, training isn't the right word. Early in our relationship DH used to just leave for work with out saying good bye, I would come out of the bathroom and he would just be gone. I told him I would like it if he would just tell me he was leaving so I could say good bye, now he would never leave with out letting me know. I used to bring up things that we needed to discuss when we would go out to dinner until he told me that was his time to relax so please don't bring up stessful things so I learned not to do that. That is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

[Deleted]

The training comment didn't bother me. H and I have both "trained" each other to do little things that are important to the other or not do little things that irk the other. I talk too loud and it bothers him, so I try to tone it down. He has learned that apologizing is important to me, so he does it.

[sweetnsour]

We both apologize when needed. Honestly, if he never apologized, then it wouldn't work out between us. I am not good at pretending.

[sporky]

Yes, he apologizes, but honestly, your situation last night is not one I would expect an apology for.

[winnied]

He apologies after I ask him to/point out that he needs to apologize. I don't need it to forgive him, I need to know that he recognizes his mistakes.

[Deleted]

My H used to be like this. He likes to just move on whereas I need a sincere apology for closure. He has gotten much better about it now and I have gotten a lot better at moving on without resentment. Resolution is a two way street. I think, in this case, it really is a minor miscommunication issue. He was probably stressed about working late, didn't like your tone first, and thinks that you need to apologize. I don't think either of you needs to apologize.

[lime]

Sure, we both apologize when the situation warrants it.

I'll add another "no need to train an adult" and that this situation doesn't warrant him apologizing to the pile.

[fbf2006]

My husband actually tends to apologize more than I do. Sometimes I'm a bit too stubborn. I'm trying to be better though. I don't think he needs to apologize in this situation though. I work late a lot (Jan - early April) and it's just the way it is. It would kinda bother me if my husband insinuated anything.

[fbf2006]

My husband actually tends to apologize more than I do. Sometimes I'm a bit too stubborn. I'm trying to be better though. I don't think he needs to apologize in this situation though. I work late a lot (Jan - early April) and it's just the way it is. It would kinda bother me if my husband insinuated anything.

[sillygoosegirl]

Yes, DH apologizes. It's not uncommon for him to apologize for things I didn't even notice that he did. And then he often doesn't think to apologize when I think he most needs to. When I'm feeling especially angry at him, I sometimes wonder if he just apologizes at random intervals just to be safe...

[Deleted]

Yes- my H is usually better at apologizing for things than I am, though we have conversations like the one described in your OP so frequently that we'd probably not apologize or talk about it further either, we'd just drop it.

I know I have trouble apologizing for my "tone" or for sounding bitchy, because I generally don't mean to come off that way and take H getting upset at my tone as an overreaction on his part. Maybe I'm just stubborn, but in those situations I usually don't feel like I have anything to apologize for.

[Deleted]

Feb 12, 2013 8:54:39 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Yes, my H would generally apologize when we used to get in disagreements. I'm probably the one who is more stubborn when it comes to apologizing.

This.