Starting Over Newbies-FAQ

[jojoandleo]

So you say you’re starting over

Sorry you find yourself here. Going through a separation/divorce/death in the family/other major life change is incredibly stressful and incredibly emotional. This board exists as a way to get advice, share advice, vent, cry, get your sillies out, what have you. It’s more than just “shop” talk, so if you just want to hang out and talk about food, hey, that’s awesome. We love food! Most of the community has been through (or is actively going through) a separation or divorce, but we have happily married members as well. Our backgrounds are diverse and our interests are varied.

Starting Over, however, is not an echo chamber. Feedback is heartfelt and it is honest. If you’re being an assclown, you’re going to get called on it. If you’re under the assumption that everything you do is right and everything (s)he does is wrong, then, uh, this might not be the place for you. The breakup of a marriage is rarely one person’s fault, and dealing with the aftermath takes a LOT of maturity and patience, which, let’s be frank, can be in short supply when emotions run high. We’ve all been assclowns at one time or another and been taken to task for it. Take the message to heart and learn from it. You’re here for perspective, right? RIGHT?!?!

Moving on…

Here are some frequent questions we see on the board. Obviously each situation is different, but not so different, kwim?

*WE CANNOT ANSWER LEGAL QUESTIONS.  PLEASE HIRE AN ATTORNEY/CONSULT WITH AN ATTORNEY.  DIVORCE LAW IS STATE AND CASE SPECIFIC.*

Q: I fucking hate that rat bastard son of a bitch for [insert reason here]. We have kids, a house, and an extensive collection of Madame Alexander dolls. Do I need a lawyer? I really can’t afford one.
A: Yes. If you’ve got kids and joint assets, you can’t afford NOT to have a lawyer. While you’re at it, may I suggest seeking out a therapist to help you resolve your feelings of anger/hurt/resentment?  If you honestly cannot afford a lawyer-look into legal aid.  Also, if there is a law school near you, many of them have clinics where they do free/cheap legal work.  It can never hurt to at LEAST consult with a lawyer.  Many offer cheap/free consultations.

Q: I fucking hate that rat bastard son of a bitch for [insert reason here]<INSERT here reason>. We never procreated or bought much of anything. Do I need a lawyer?
A: Maybe? Call around and get a free consultation. I mean, it can’t hurt. Things can get really messy and really dirty really fast. While you’re at it, may I suggest seeking out a therapist to help you resolve your feelings of anger/hurt/resentment?

Q: We don’t hate each other, it just didn’t work. We have kids and joint assets. Can I just fill out these forms I found online?
A: You should probably look into mediation, which is a great resource for these kinds of situations. Save the DIY divorces for those who don’t have ill feelings or joint assets.

Q: Alright, he moved out of the house last week and I’ve got an account on Match. What dealbreakers should I be on the lookout for?
A: Slow your roll. It’s time to work on yourself for a while so you don’t find yourself in this situation again. May I suggest seeking out a therapist?

Q: But I’m HORNY!
A: May I suggest a vibrator?

Q: But how will I know I’m ready to date?
A: If you’re thinking about your ex a lot or how lonely and incomplete your life is without a special someone by your side, you ain’t ready. And if you’re asking this question that means you ignored the advice on getting a therapist. GET INTO THERAPY.

Q: How long does a divorce take?
A: This is state specific. Google or ask that lawyer you hired.

Q: I’m ready to hire that lawyer now. What do I need to bring with me?
A: Financial records (bank statements, credit card statements, retirement account statements, etc.), tax returns, copies of bills (major ones like mortgage, car, loans, etc.). Your lawyer will advise if he/she needs anything beyond that.

Q: I’m scared. Is that normal?
A: Yes. We’ve got your back.

Q: He’s such a douche.
A: I know. May I suggest therapy?

Q: My H is a really nice guy, but I just don't think I'm in love with him any more. Can I divorce a nice guy?
A: Yes. We recommend couples' counseling to see if the marriage can be saved, as this will help you feel like you tried every avenue that you could, but if it is too far gone, it is absolutely ok to divorce a "nice guy." Individual counseling can help you make peace with your decision.

Q: My H grabbed my arm really hard/punched a wall/kicked the dog/did something else scary and physically abusive, but I need time to save up money for a divorce!
A: Get out now. ASAP. Abuse escalates, and you do NOT want to be around when that happens. Call your family, call your friends, call a women's shelter, and find somewhere that you can go and be safe where he can't find you. The most dangerous hours are the 72 hours after a woman leaves her abuser--make sure you are somewhere safe.


Resources:

DOMESTIC ABUSE
National Domestic Violence Hotline: [phone] and TTY 1-800-787-3224
Pet Friendly Shelters/Safe Houses: www.ahimsahouse.org/directory
Cycle of Abuse Wheel: www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

SEXUAL ASSAULT
RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network): www.rainn.org/
National Sexual Assault Hotline: [phone].HOPE

DRUG/ALCOHOL/GAMBLING
Al Anon: www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Narcotics Anonymous: www.na.org/
Gamblers Anonymous: www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/index.php

DEPRESSION & SUICIDE
Suicide Hotline: [phone] www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Crisis Chat: www.crisischat.org/
Depression Forum: depressionfallout.com/messageboard.php

MILITARY
Military One Source 24/7: 1-800-342-9647 or www.militaryonesource.com/
Wounded Military Support: www.woundedwarriorwives.org/

INFIDELITY
survivinginfidelity.com/

[incognitotoday]

Another One for YOU! www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TKK6d3-h2U

[jojoandleo]

I cannot take credit, bowies wrote this.

[incognitotoday]

Apr 19, 2013 14:41:52 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I cannot take credit, bowies wrote this.

bowies:

[redredwine]

This is amazing. It should be a sticky post.

[achase123]

Well done.

[gault]

Wonderful. Bowies is great.

[starrieskies]

I love bowies!

[Deleted]

I love it!

[BookLover]

Bravo! It is great!

[BlueBayou]

We should probably just message this to any newbies that make themselves known. The get acquainted welcome message lol

[locarb]

Well said.

[idahome]

Last night's post did work. This kind of makes my whole day. Good job on putting this together bowies!

[marigoldgirl]

Apr 19, 2013 15:29:53 GMT -5 gault said:

Wonderful. Bowies is great.

  :Y:

[hazel]

This is wonderful.

[sweetchix]

This is great!

[janedoe]

Awesome

[janedoe]

Awesome

[martygras]

I appreciate this!

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Well done, bowies!

[Deleted]

Beautiful.

[athena3210]

This is so helpful and awesome. Thanks!!!