My turn: help me parent

[eb777888]

No advice because I would have done exactly what you did.

Two year olds are hard.

[idoinjuly]

My dd was the same with soccer. Wanted to play then when she was on the field, would cry and hug her other friend who hated it too. You did the right thing by leaving. Maybe give it another chance, but warn her beforehand, and repeatedly during, that if she doesn't do what she's told to do, you will leave. I give dd two chances-warning, timeout, then we leave. Unrelated to soccer, but she was always awful to my MIL, so we did the warning, timeout, leaving thing. She was hysterical when we left, but guess who is always nice to MIL now? Toddlers, man.

[ndolehan]

This was totally me when I was little

That being said - I think what you did was the right thing. I would try to go again next week. See what happens. Maybe she was just shy/unsure/needs to get used to it

[mrssandro]

You did the right thing. I would have done the same thing. She needs to learn you mean what you say. Don't be wishy washy and let her think that there is a chance that you will change your mind. Toddlers are the worst...

[Deleted]

I would have done the same thing too. I would have maybe talked to her more about what to expect and let her know that if she does not participate that you will be leaving and go home. Make sure she has snacks on the way over so once you get there if she tries to ask for snacks again you can tell her she has had them it is time to do "x" like we talked about. Keep giving positive reinforcement, "this is going to be soo much fun!", "You are going to do soo good", etc.. If she doesn't want to do it could you try maybe bringing your own soccer ball and kicking it with her? Kind of get her used to playing with mommy first? 

Eff that other mom, you did great. I swear, I have more grays from parenting a pre-schooler than anything else. This morning when I told him it was time to get ready for school he screamed "you are a bad mommy!!" at me over and over again. ::sigh:: 

[LLL]

blargh, I dunno. parenting is hard, yo.

[Deleted]

No way would I have gone back. She wanted to leave, you left. End of story, kid.

[lilybug]

Ugh, toddlers are so hard to deal with. I can imagine mine pulling a stunt like that, too.

I probably would have tried to bribe him to play soccer, or threatened some kind of consequence if he didn't play. Something about exercise being good and keeping our obligations, etc. But two is pretty young to grasp that, and if you'd tried to force it, she might have just resisted harder. I think you did the right thing by leaving.

[Deleted]

I would have done the same.

[wkatie]

I would not have gone back. I might have tried to encourage her to watch the others play, if she didn't feel like playing herself. I don't know, you probably did that. Toddlers are just humbling and you do your best.

[sunshineray]

I think you handled it the right way as well. Toddlers are just a pain in the ass. However, I think by leaving you showed her that her actions have consequences. When my DD was that age, we worked a lot on consequences and making decisions. I think she's old enough to understand some rationalization. I'd give DD two realistic choices. She had to pick one and then regardless of whether she picked the one I wanted her to pick, that's what I'd do and we'd go on from there. After she had time to calm down we'd talk (briefly) about what happened and why. It's a fucking tough age, I know. Hang in there.

[revolution]

I will preface this by saying - I SUCK at the 1 y/o to 2 or 3 y/o stage. I love newborns and once you can rationalize somewhat with them. but the random meltdowns and no logic/reasoning makes me want to drink. a lot.

I think you did a good job with that practice. If she wants to try again, I would do a lot of coaching beforehand with what to expect and what is going to happen at practice. I know my DD can have a meltdown when she isn't sure what to expect or what is going to happen. I still do a lot of "when we get to x, this is what is going to happen.". so tell her you are going to practice, she is going to have to listen to the coach and play with the other kids. blah blah blah.

[tulip]

I think you handled it the right way.

I am not handling the toddler phase at all. I on the regular have meltdowns.

I also feel like a shit mom every day. ((Hugs))

[Deleted]

May 7, 2013 12:18:36 GMT -5 Que? said:

May 7, 2013 12:11:25 GMT -5 tarzanswife said:

I would have done the same thing too. I would have maybe talked to her more about what to expect and let her know that if she does not participate that you will be leaving and go home. Make sure she has snacks on the way over so once you get there if she tries to ask for snacks again you can tell her she has had them it is time to do "x" like we talked about. Keep giving positive reinforcement, "this is going to be soo much fun!", "You are going to do soo good", etc.. If she doesn't want to do it could you try maybe bringing your own soccer ball and kicking it with her? Kind of get her used to playing with mommy first? 

Eff that other mom, you did great. I swear, I have more grays from parenting a pre-schooler than anything else. This morning when I told him it was time to get ready for school he screamed "you are a bad mommy!!" at me over and over again. ::sigh:: 

Thanks for this. I did most of this (snacks and hype on the way there) but I should have talked to her more there, been more comforting. She was just being such a baby, lol, but then again, I acted like one on the way home.

I am a control freak, and I shouldn't have let my expectations get in the way of her feelings. Those other moms were handling multiple children and I feel like an asshole. I think that chick was just trying to maker feel better.

I am totally like this too. I am very controlling and when my kid doesn't do what I want or acts badly I have a hard time switching up my expectations. All my friends have multiple kids as well and I constantly feel like the asshole parent unable to get my only child to fall in line. I agree too that she was trying to make you feel better but trust me, every one of those other moms has been in your shoes. You did everything you could, you redirected, you talked, you prodded, it just wasn't your day. Enjoy some wine tonight!!

[Deleted]

It does sound like a typical 2 year old. I'd keep going every week. And next summer and by the time she's 4 or 5 she'll be ready to actually play vs picking dandilions and avoiding the ball.

My nephew's team last year of 8 kids had 5 goalies. That's where they put the kids who didn't want to run on the field. And at least 3 would leave the net for water, snack, bathroom or something else that annoyed their parents as the ball was approaching the net. The others turned their backs on the ball (hanging off the net or picking flowers) and if the ball was saved - total accident. Both the shot and the save.

This year they're 4/5 and it's completely different. Just takes time.

[sunshineray]

May 7, 2013 12:28:00 GMT -5 Que? said:

May 7, 2013 12:20:13 GMT -5 sunshineray said:

I think you handled it the right way as well. Toddlers are just a pain in the ass. However, I think by leaving you showed her that her actions have consequences. When my DD was that age, we worked a lot on consequences and making decisions. I think she's old enough to understand some rationalization. I'd give DD two realistic choices. She had to pick one and then regardless of whether she picked the one I wanted her to pick, that's what I'd do and we'd go on from there. After she had time to calm down we'd talk (briefly) about what happened and why. It's a fucking tough age, I know. Hang in there.

Ugh, you sound so damn reasonable. This is want I want to do, in theory but in practice I get so frustrated and I just want to control shit.

revolution, that's really good advice and I should have done exactly that. I really need to be mindful of that.

Haha. It's easy for me to sound reasonable when my kid is now 8 1/2. I definitely had my parenting fails back then (and still do.) There were plenty of times that H (who is not her dad and was just my BF at the time) would have to take over because I was about to lose my shit. It happens. She had a melt down over getting dressed one morning and I about killed her. H went in there and was all calm and rational and she was dressed and happy again in .03 seconds. 


I feel your pain. I wouldn't want to be in the blazing sun with a whiny toddler either, and I perfectly understand the need to control everything. 

[Deleted]

well, i'd give the other mom a bit of a break, since i think she was probably sensing your frustration and trying to help. i am the kind of person that doesn't even want people to acknowledge when i've full on wiped out in front of them, so i get the "stfu, you bitch" impulse.

i'd cut yourself some slack and don't feel embarrassed. kids are trying. everyone's kids have a bad day someday.

i'm better with toddler than my husband was, and i think his frustrations were a lot like yours are. the kids are unpredictable. they are embarrassing in public. they are annoying. they are fickle. and they want you to carry/feed/water them all the time and that's hot and sticky and annoying. the only reason i was better at it than the husband is that i expect them to be all of those things and am virtually unembarrassable (i made that word up) when it comes to kid stuff. i will do time outs in full view of other people. i don't care if you run away from me and i have to chase you. if you lay on the ground and scream, i pretend i can't hear you after giving you the evil eye and a strongly worded suggestion to stfu. and if everyone else is stank eyeing me, so be it.

so, what i'd do differently, maybe, is alter my expectations. i'd expect that it will all go to shit, and then if it doesn't, i'd be like "aces, yeah baby."

i also rehearse the crap out of everything. i still do. "we're going to do this and then this and then this and then that and then it's naptime." over and over. throughout the day. and then "we did that and the other thing, and have this and this and this left." it helps the kid out. and i give her whatever choices i don't care about (which shirt/which snack/which color socks). and all other "choices" are "it's this or nothing." sometimes L would go "NUFFIN!!" and stomp away, which totally cracked me up.


full disclosure: i'd lose my shit and want to cry all the time when she was a newborn, and now that i know she CAN behave better i get more irritated when i know she's being purposefully defiant.

[karmasabiotch]

I would have done the same thing as you.

[GracieLouFreebush1]

I have zero advice but I'm so happy to know I'm not alone when I read these threads. Toddlers can be crazy and mean!

[eddy]

My advice is there is no right way to parent a toddler. You did a good job today.

[Deleted]

May 7, 2013 12:45:18 GMT -5 Que? said:

Thanks cville. I already admitted up thread that that Mom was just being kind. I'm embarassed at how frustrated I was and how obvious it was. My actions sucked today. I'm like a toddler ffs.

G is napping and when she wakes up I'll attempt a do over.

we all are, sometimes. 

last week, i told L (angrily) if she didn't cut out her incessant whining i was going to run away to costa rica.  fortunately, she thought it was the funniest thing she ever heard and her laughter broke the mood.

[eddy]

Also maybe next time just go in expecting she is going to be a hot mess for soccer. We have been embarrassed for YEARS enrolling Jack in soccer. And this year at 5 he finally is doing what he is suppose to be doing lol. Jack has made it very hard for me to feel embarrassed because he has done so many embarrassing things. They just roll off me now. I remember at first I was like "Why isn't he kicking. Why isn't he following along. Why is he acting like a robot." Well he is three that is why. I adjusted my expectations and it made it much more enjoyable for all of us.

Remember it is just fun. Keeping going. She will get used to it, but don't expect much out of her.

[daisybuchannan]

No advice, just another pat on the back.

Toddlers seem so hard! Someone told me infants are like tiny terrorists that take over. It seems like you start the terrorist negotiations once they're toddlers!

[eddy]

May 7, 2013 13:01:46 GMT -5 Que? said:

May 7, 2013 12:52:33 GMT -5 eddy said:

Also maybe next time just go in expecting she is going to be a hot mess for soccer. We have been embarrassed for YEARS enrolling Jack in soccer. And this year at 5 he finally is doing what he is suppose to be doing lol. Jack has made it very hard for me to feel embarrassed because he has done so many embarrassing things. They just roll off me now. I remember at first I was like "Why isn't he kicking. Why isn't he following along. Why is he acting like a robot." Well he is three that is why. I adjusted my expectations and it made it much more enjoyable for all of us.

Remember it is just fun. Keeping going. She will get used to it, but don't expect much out of her.

Lol, soccer shmoccer. It's the whining. I can't take it eddy, it breaks me.

Don't even get me started on the whining guuuurrrrl. I just can't.

It breaks everyone. That is why they do it. OMG that noise is forever etched in my brain.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

I would have left too. My kid has pulled the same thing with the library so we leave.

[sugarbear]

I am a control freak, too, and I'm realizing how detrimental it is to my parenting.
I think you did exactly the right thing.

i am also realizing that anything new requires a lot of is suasion and prep. I cannot spring anything on my kid.

[gmail]

I'm reading all of your wise words and taking mental notes.

ETA: Patience is really really hard for me. My frustrations seem to intensify when I have something to do, or something I need DS to do (kep on schedule, get something done, run an errand, etc). If I'm just "sure! let's play trains! let's blow bubbles! playground! books!" it's normally okay. But the second I'm in the mindset of "I need to...." my expectations totally shift and I get SUPER frustrated because WHY THE F*CK WON'T A 2 YEAR OLD JUST UNDERSTAND THAT MOMMY NEEDS TO PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING BEFORE 5PM?

[papie]

I would have done th same as you.  Two year olds suck.  Maybe we could send them to toddler camp together and get them back at 4 or something. 

[melodramatic26]

May 7, 2013 12:27:11 GMT -5 tulip said:

I think you handled it the right way.

I am not handling the toddler phase at all. I on the regular have meltdowns.

I also feel like a shit mom every day. ((Hugs))

yep. mine makes me cry at least every other day- and that's a good week.

[Deleted]

Well, I don't listen to my toddlers when they waffle.

I ask, do you want to go to play soccer? If they say yes, that's it. We're playin soccer.

They can wander and whine and tell me they don't like me, but I just say cheerily "We're playing soccer today. We'll go home when Mommy is ready to go home".

You can't believe what a toddler says, and you can't get upset when they're nasty to you.

Oh, and you CANNOT feel guilty about things. Toddlers are emotional terrorists. Making you emotional is their goal.