yes, that's right. he went in for a catherization (?sp) for some blockage and had two stents put in. but he and my mom swore my brother (who, ha ha, answered the phone when i called "don't yell at me. it wasn't my idea.") to secrecy because i'm pregnant, live far away, and they didn't want me to stress out. are they familiar with what i do for a living? stress is pretty much my bag, baby.
the last time they did this was when my grandmother went in for minor surgery and then died from surgical complications. oh, no, wait. that was 4 times ago. the LAST time was when my mom had eye surgery to stave of impending blindness. the time before THAT was when they though my mom had cancer (turns out it was a benign tumor) and the time before THAT was when my uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
WHAT THE HELL, FAMILY. always this is a secret from me, not my brother. assertedly, because he lives nearby to my parents and would otherwise find out. i know that no one owes me their medical information, but i'm feeling rather cut out and irritated since, you know, one time this happened someone i love very much died and i wasn't even aware she was ill. i'd like to point out that i was the high-achieving, stable one for years. it's not like i have a track record of crashing people's hospital rooms, posting martyrish crap on FB, and responding to such news with hospitalizations of my own for mental breakdowns.
I'm sorry they kept that from you. I would be upset if my family hadn't told me about my mom's double bypass. I was almost full term with LO and every time I went to see her in the hospital, people asked me if I needed a wheelchair to the labor and delivery unit.
Anyway, as hard as it was to see her so sick, I can't imagine finding out after everything had already happened.
My dad went to the hospital a couple months ago for heart related issues and didn't see the big deal when I got upset that he didn't tell us. He said "well, everything is fine now and I didn't want to worry you."
I am glad your dad is ok. The two times I was pregnant, my aunt found out she had cancer, and then my dad the second time. My mom almost didn't tell me and then she was all "Oh, I shouldn't have told you, you are pregnant". Pregnant people don't need to live in a bubble mom, it is ok.
They do the same to my grandma. Let's not tell grandma so and so is dying, it would hurt her too much. What??? She is old, not senile. I hate this crap.
the "and you're pregnant" thing i sort of get. because i am, and they were around after my miscarriage and saw how torn up i was.
but i wasn't pregnant all those other times.
i'm not yelling at anyone or anything like that (hell, my dad is still in the hospital). but i may bring it up when they visit. in a "you know, i can totally handle this. and i am required by law and professional, ethical responsibilities to keep things secret like all the damn time, so i can assure you the information can stop with me."
OH, and another thing. it's also not like i don't call my family. i talked with my mom on monday night, probably while she was packing my dad's hospital bag, about FABRIC for a DUVET for like an hour.
Post by karmasabiotch on May 9, 2013 9:16:46 GMT -5
Now that the surgery is over, can you explain to them that you want to know these things? Maybe they think they are being thoughtful by not sharing the info with you. Tell them how you feel.
I always knew we were secretly related. They probably just don't want to tell us yet because you're pregnant
totally. plus, you once had a cast per your avatar photo. you have to hide that shit from family. we probably were hanging out at thanksgiving and you were just wearing a long skirt, right? to make sure no one knew.
Post by ElizabethBennet on May 9, 2013 9:22:45 GMT -5
My family has done this to me too. They said because I was far away they didn't want me to worry. The worst time was when my best friend called me (I was in PA at the time, they were in CA) and wanted to see if I was all right. I had no clue what she was talking about but apparently my parents had started DIVORCE papers and she had heard about it before me.
It sucks to be the one out of the loop. Sorry cville
Seeing that I did the opposite and didn't bother telling people I was pregnant when my gmom was in hospice I don't think I get to have an opinion. The whole reason we didn't tell them is because I really wouldn't have been able to deal with the whole "You can't/shouldn't be doing a, b, c, x, y, x" when I had POA and actually needed to be doing those things.
I would be really annoyed too, but I don't think they are trying to be mean on purpose. I'm sorry you are feeling like you are cut out and you should definitely tell them.
My dad did the same thing to my mom a few weeks ago. My brother was hospitalized for a few days with a weird stomach bug and he (dad) made it keep it secret from mom. She was out of the country at the time and he was afraid "it would stress her out"
I'm not sure I'd even be all 'explaining' or whatever .I'd turn on the ice cold fury. This keeps happening to you, and while they must mean well, it really sucks; and they should get it that this is not acceptable.
well, i'm mad. but i'm not entitled to their health information. they handle it themselves. they are insured. they (clearly) aren't asking me to care for them. i mean, we have laws keeping that shit private.
so "ice cold fury" is a bit extreme. and i've kept my own stuff private (like when i was having a ton of complications early in my pregnancy with L). i'm happy to break it down for them in terms of privacy v. OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS/INVOLVEMENT OF SURGEONS AND SCALPALS, FFS, and in terms of telling my brother v. me. how both the seriousness and the fact that i'm the only one excluded really isn't cool. being prepared reduces my stress, it doesn't increase it. if they take all that in and continue on as they are, well, i tried (again, we've had this conversation before).
Post by shostakovich on May 9, 2013 9:34:34 GMT -5
My family does this to me, too. I'm a somewhat emotional person, but they treat me like this fragile flower a la Ibsen's A Doll's House. It's irritating to infuriating, depending on the situation.
My H actually pulled this shit with me last year, when he had cancer. He knew something was wrong for months, got confirmation that something was wrong with his doc, but didn't tell me until the doc was like "time to take that testicle out and start radiation!" Super grrr.
I'm glad your dad is okay, cville. And I'm pissed for you! Let them know that it's more upsetting to you to be kept in the dark than to just know what is going on.
My parents have done this to me several times in the past. And I was pretty pissed off because in both situations they were very ill (dad had systemic staph infection causing organ failure and mom had a pulmonary embolism after knee surgery- which they didn't tell me about either).
When they were admitted to the hospital (separate times) I lived about 3-4 hours away so they used the excuse that they didn't want to worry me or have me take time off from work. Um, you both ended up in the hospital with life threatening illnesses/situations and I get to choose what I want to do with my PTO.
After things were all said and done, I let them know in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable. Luckily it hasn't happened since.
Damn! I would be beyond pissed if my family did this to me. If they told no one, I guess I could think of it as an annoying quirk, but heads would roll if they were sharing info with my brothers and not me.
I'm sorry they kept you in the dark. My parents are this way too, telling me about my dad's prostate cancer, for instance, after he had the surgery and was about to start radiation. WTH, mom and dad? Don't I deserve a little heads-up?
I've thought about it a lot, because I'm 45, not their baby anymore, and this keeps happening. I really think they're reluctant to give up the caretaker role. They don't want to feel like they're at that age when their kids need to start taking care of them. Even if it's just telling me about something dubious that's going on, health-wise, that means admitting weakness, which is not my parents' strong suit. They just want to pretend they will be healthy and independent until the very end.
They'd also hate to think of becoming the old people who complain constantly about their health problems.
For me, getting angry wouldn't feel right. It's frustrating for me, but it's got to be hard for them too, or they would have opened up more when I requested it in the past. I just keep gently reminding them that I care and I really want to know when something semi-major comes up.
well suesue, i'm not going to be frosty or icy or cold. when i discuss it with them, i'm going to be pleasant and sensitive to their privacy.
i think you're right, gato. i think they realize that they're getting older and it's freaking them out. my mom has said herself that she doesn't want to be like her mom and MIL, both of whom used to talk about their and all of their acquaintances' illnesses all the time. i think this is why they tell my brother more than they do me, too. partly because he IS nearby and if, for example, he asked them to watch his dog and they had to be "whoops, sorry, we're at the hospital!" that would be weird. and partly because they still "caretake" him more than me, so it's move even-steven, in their minds.