Alright, quick advice?

[pinkeggs]

I really dislike my MIL. We've had issues for almost 10 years and she is the only source of drama that DH and I deal with. She has said some incredibly hurtful things about me to DH and others.

However, DH is an only child and he sucks at getting around to doing things for birthdays and holidays. He didn't do anything for her birthday a few weeks ago, even though I reminded him. Anyway, despite the fact that she is a fire breathing hosebeast, I feel bad that her only kid doesn't step up. So I am just going to bypass him and send her something for Mother's Day.

Soooo.....any suggestions on what to get someone you don't like? lol I know you don't know her, but I thought maybe someone had a good generic "good enough" gift ideas.

ETA: No flowers, she only uses a PO Box and doesn't receive anything to her actual house.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

you know how to do this and just wanted to bitch. send flowers and be done with it. it isnt hard.

[ElizabethBennet]

Send her flowers

[pinkeggs]

May 10, 2013 8:51:29 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

you know how to do this and just wanted to bitch. send flowers and be done with it. it isnt hard.

can't send flowers. she only has a PO box.

This is the first time you've been bitchy to me. I feel initiated

[VeryViolet]

May 10, 2013 8:52:51 GMT -5 pinkeggs said:

May 10, 2013 8:51:29 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

you know how to do this and just wanted to bitch. send flowers and be done with it. it isnt hard.

can't send flowers. she only has a PO box.

This is the first time you've been bitchy to me. I feel initiated

She has to live somewhere that isn't in a box at the post office. You don't need a mailbox at your house to receive flowers. 

[pinkeggs]

May 10, 2013 8:54:28 GMT -5 @pnkbride said:

Can you send them to her work?

Retired

lol, wow, I had no idea this question would be so insulting for people! I asked because I was thinking more creative than flowers, but I guess I should wrangle her physical address out of her.

[vicky]

Wait, you don't know your ILs address?

[Deleted]

How were you planning on getting ANY gift to her if you don't know where she lives?

[Deleted]

Gift card for a mani pedi or massage? Stick it in the mail to her PO box.

[Deleted]

-stationery.
-a book on a topic she would like (firebreathing dragons?).
-GC to pie of the month club.

[Muddled]

This is not your problem.

[mrssandro]

Amazon Gift Card

[pinkeggs]

May 10, 2013 9:00:56 GMT -5 cville said:

-stationery.
-a book on a topic she would like (firebreathing dragons?).
-GC to pie of the month club.

Oh, stationary is a great idea for her, thanks!

No, I don't know her physical address. Neither does DH. She refuses to use a home mailbox. We even had to send our wedding invitation to the PO Box (which can receive small packages at). This is the tip of the iceberg of her weirdness. My FIL is much easier

ETA: And I do realize that she must still have a house number and stuff, but I never took the time to look at it and write it down when we visited since she doesn't receive stuff there anyway.

[vanillacourage]

Sue Sue is wise.

The MOST I would do is buy a card at Target sometime that I'm already there shopping for deodorant or something.  I believe that you reap what you sow - if she's been terrible to you and DH, then yeah, she's not going to have a super-happy Mother's Day, KWIM?

[pinkeggs]

May 10, 2013 9:04:33 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

If she will not give you her address, send her a card to her PO Box and be done with it. I'd advise staying out of it though. Your dh can send her something or not.

What my MIL never realized was that all the years I kept doggedly going over there, trying to make it work, trying to keep the peace, buying the cards and presents, my dh did not want to go. And when I quit forcing the issue, he had to manage his own relationship with his own mother, and see her when he wanted to see her, not when she wanted me to make him come over. He sees her very little, does little to nothing for her for Mother's Day or her bday, and I say nothing to him about it. I cannot manage their emotional relationship, and even though you didn't ask for advice, you'll be better served letting him handle this. No need to triangulate things.

You're probably right. At the risk of going too far into my family history, she blames me for her fading relationship with my DH (which is partly accurate. He pulled away when she openly rejected me). That said, she does send me birthday gifts and stuff. Anyway, there is some guilt there because I am not a drama llama and it would be nice if things could be better. *shrug* Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

[Deleted]

She won't tell you where to deliver bigger packages? No presents for you! Seriously, though, I find this super weird. What is her son supposed to do if there's an emergency and he needs to get to her? Do what you want, but buying a mother's day gift to keep up their relationship seems like a band-aid on a bizarre relationship.

[vicky]

WEIRD.

[Deleted]

I agree with Sue Sue, just send a card to her PO Box. Or do nothing, which is what I would do.

[snickers]

Send her a card with a gift card inside!

[hisno1girl]

If she doesn't want you to know where she lives AND she acts like a snacth, I say fuck it and let yor DH deal with it. If he can't be bothered to send her something that you shouldn't do it either. Maybe he doesn't want to acknowledge these days since she's such a hosebeast?

[marshmallowmars]

Just chiming in here in case you decide to send flowers. This seems creepy, but a lot of counties have free property tax searches online - so you may be able to just type in her name and find her address that way.  

[pinkeggs]

May 10, 2013 9:16:57 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

If she doesn't want you to know where she lives AND she acts like a snacth, I say fuck it and let yor DH deal with it. If he can't be bothered to send her something that you shouldn't do it either. Maybe he doesn't want to acknowledge these days since she's such a hosebeast?

Yeah, I just gchatted him and asked if he wanted to send her something or if I should take care of it. He said he would, so I guess I will relinquish the duties. Sometimes I need to remind myself that our (hers and my) relationship sucks and it probably always will and it's just time to accept that.

[partiallysunny]

You are too nice.

I'd get her flowers.

I have a PO Box and I'm able to receive flowers (put her "home" address and not her box number in the address spot). Just like when she gets something shipped by UPS.

Edit: Wait a minute, you don't know her physical address? And you want to do something more original than flowers even though she's a beast who doesn't even deserve that?

No. Let your H handle it.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2013 9:21:12 GMT -5 pinkeggs said:

May 10, 2013 9:16:57 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

If she doesn't want you to know where she lives AND she acts like a snacth, I say fuck it and let yor DH deal with it. If he can't be bothered to send her something that you shouldn't do it either. Maybe he doesn't want to acknowledge these days since she's such a hosebeast?

Yeah, I just gchatted him and asked if he wanted to send her something or if I should take care of it. He said he would, so I guess I will relinquish the duties. Sometimes I need to remind myself that our (hers and my) relationship sucks and it probably always will and it's just time to accept that.

Or maybe to realize your H is a adult and can handle his mother himself.

[pinkeggs]

May 10, 2013 9:27:01 GMT -5 @jezebel said:

May 10, 2013 9:21:12 GMT -5 pinkeggs said:

Yeah, I just gchatted him and asked if he wanted to send her something or if I should take care of it. He said he would, so I guess I will relinquish the duties. Sometimes I need to remind myself that our (hers and my) relationship sucks and it probably always will and it's just time to accept that.

Or maybe to realize your H is a adult and can handle his mother himself.

My husband is very much an adult. He just sucks at remembering to get gifts. No one is perfect.

[tulip]

May 10, 2013 9:04:33 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

If she will not give you her address, send her a card to her PO Box and be done with it. I'd advise staying out of it though. Your dh can send her something or not.

What my MIL never realized was that all the years I kept doggedly going over there, trying to make it work, trying to keep the peace, buying the cards and presents, my dh did not want to go. And when I quit forcing the issue, he had to manage his own relationship with his own mother, and see her when he wanted to see her, not when she wanted me to make him come over. He sees her very little, does little to nothing for her for Mother's Day or her bday, and I say nothing to him about it. I cannot manage their emotional relationship, and even though you didn't ask for advice, you'll be better served letting him handle this. No need to triangulate things.

This 100%

[tulip]

May 10, 2013 9:30:07 GMT -5 pinkeggs said:

May 10, 2013 9:27:01 GMT -5 @jezebel said:

Or maybe to realize your H is a adult and can handle his mother himself.

My husband is very much an adult. He just sucks at remembering to get gifts. No one is perfect.

It's not your problem, it's his mother. You don't like the woman so stop pretending you care. If he hurts Moms feelings by forgetting that is on him. Stop fixing it for them.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

May 10, 2013 9:35:51 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

If there's one thing ML does for me, it's making me obscenely happy that my MIL is normal.

Exactly. She has her quirks, but generally they aren't too bad. She even told us not to do anything this year because they are going to their vacation house. We skyped last weekend and called it good.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2013 9:35:51 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

If there's one thing ML does for me, it's making me obscenely happy that my MIL is normal.

TRUTH.

[fivechickens]

I see you don't need to do anyhing for her which is good since it doesn't sound like she deserves you to make the effort. I have to ask can't you call FIL for their address? Surely he knows their address.