Post by Captain Serious on May 17, 2013 21:15:25 GMT -5
My huaband and I adopted two boys without ever trying to conceive. We both had wanted to adopt and I never had a strong desire to be pregnant, although we always thought that we'd also have a biological child at some point.
What I've learned is that adoption is right for some, IF tratments are right for other, surogacy is right for still others--pretty much every family has to figure out what's right for them, and there are no wrong answers.
If you want more than one child, and you think adoption is right for you, you could adopt siblings. There are some forms of adoption that are less costly than others. I've found that there is a type of aoption that fits everyone who is seriously interested in adopting (and fit to do so). The best way to find out if this is the path for you is to learn a bit about all the different types of adoption and what they entail. There are several great intoductory books I can recommend to get you started. The nest also has a phenomenal adoption board that's a great place to gather information and support.
We are life-twins! Married just under four years, TTC for two. We're unexplained IF.
Our options are IVF, keep trying, or adoption. Our insurance covers no IF treatments. IUI gives us a 2% chance over TTC naturally, so it's not even an option in our book. For the cost of the treatments, the odds are just way too low. IVF is about $45-$50k here. Adoption is about $40k with the agency we'd like to use.
We feel like IVF is super expensive given the odds are 50/50 and we could spend the same on adoption. We will go with adoption before we go with IVF. We're young (30) so we feel like adoption is a good option for us.
That said, we're doing five more rounds w/ Clomid before we make any decisions. Like others have said, there's no right or wrong answer here. You just have to do what's right for you.
Good luck - I know how hard of a decision this is. Hugs to you guys.
I think if insurance is covering treatment I would go that route. But that also depends on your age.
If I was in your situation I would begin pursuing adoption while at the same time doing the treatments.
This isn't an option. Most adoption agencies require that you quit IF treatments while you are actively going through the adoption process. If you happen to get pregnant, well, ok. But pursing adoption and IF treatments is pretty much a non-starter.
As someone who has done the pregnancy and birth thing (sorta), I can tell you that neither make you a better mom nor make you love your child more. They just make you uncomfortable ;-)
sorta? huh.
I didn't want to get into a pissing contest with any holier-than-thou earth mother who thinks my 40 hours L&D from hell ending in c-section wasn't a "real birth" and that I'd feel differently if only the heavens had opened and angels had sung as my baby crowned into my water birthing arms.
Personally I would pursue IVF but I don't have moral qualms about IVF and I have a strong preference for a biological child.* I also would not be open to a wait and see approach after 2 years of trying. This is a very personal decision. I wish you and your DH the best as you move forward with whatever option works best for your family.
*I say this as someone who has an adopted sister who is also her best friend. I am so thankful for her and for adoption. But she will always have two families - her biological family and her adoptive family. The fact that her biological family couldn't raise her was a real loss and source of sadness for many years. And she was with her adoptive family from 3 days old, doesn't look adopted to strangers, was perfectly healthy, etc.
Personally I would pursue IVF but I don't have moral qualms about IVF and I have a strong preference for a biological child.* I also would not be open to a wait and see approach after 2 years of trying. This is a very personal decision. I wish you and your DH the best as you move forward with whatever option works best for your family.
*I say this as someone who has an adopted sister who is also her best friend. I am so thankful for her and for adoption. But she will always have two families - her biological family and her adoptive family. The fact that her biological family couldn't raise her was a real loss and source of sadness for many years. And she was with her adoptive family from 3 days old, doesn't look adopted to strangers, was perfectly healthy, etc.
I understand not wanting to invite pain into your personal family and home, but your post seems so strongly worded it was upsetting to read.
The fact that your sister suffered loss is sad, but it is NOT the result of her being adopted. It is the result of her being separated from her birth family and them not being able to parent her. I wonder how open your parents were with her about her adoption and if she had any contact or relationship with her birth family; both these things have been shown to go a long way with helping adoptees process, understand, and come to terms with their adoptions and separations.
The thing is, imagine if your parents hadn't adopted your sister: she would still have had all the same hurt. Now imagine there was no one who adopted your sister: all that same hurt would have been there, amplified by the thoughts of being undesirable, all without a trusted and loving adult to help navigate these emotions. What a horrible and sad life to imagine!
I think if insurance is covering treatment I would go that route. But that also depends on your age.
If I was in your situation I would begin pursuing adoption while at the same time doing the treatments.
This isn't an option. Most adoption agencies require that you quit IF treatments while you are actively going through the adoption process. If you happen to get pregnant, well, ok. But pursing adoption and IF treatments is pretty much a non-starter.
This is because ethical adoption agencies want to make sure that you aren't seeing adoption as a second-rate option and want to make sure you have dealt with and come to terms with any fertility issues independent of your desire to add children to your family. In addition, many agencies won't place a child into a home where there has been a new addition (by birth, adoption, marriage, whatever) or loss (usually by death or divorce) within he last year, so if you do get pregnant, they will often put your case on hold until a year after the child is born.
this was us. I've known about my IF since I was young (genetic syndrome)so i had almost my whole life to think about how i would go about building my family. WE went with adoption :-) Our son is 2.5, and we adopted hom from Korea 9 months ago. I can tell you that i honestly feel no different about him than I would a biological child... i looks at him all the time and I'm so in love and can't beleive I get to be his mom! DH is an only child, so we really did look into fertility treatments so that he could have a child that was biologically his. But neither of us felt that strong of a pull to have a biological child... we just wanted to be parents. It will be a lot different if you have always dreamed of being pregnant and feel strongly about having a biological child. we also felt that same way you did about treatments. We could put all of this time, money, energy, etc into fertility treatments that don't have a 100% chance of working. OR we could invest all of that into adoption, which we felt was more "guaranteed"--- we might have had to switch adoption programs or routes- but eventually we would end up with a child. We couldn't say that 100% for fertility treatments. AGain, its such a personal thing and really depends on the "pull" you feel to be pregnant and have a biological child. I can only speak from the adoption side and say it was an amazing path for us, and we couldn't be more in love with our son!
I didn't want to get into a pissing contest with any holier-than-thou earth mother who thinks my 40 hours L&D from hell ending in c-section wasn't a "real birth" and that I'd feel differently if only the heavens had opened and angels had sung as my baby crowned into my water birthing arms.
no one said you needed to engage in a pissing contest, but as someone who had a c/s, i have never considered that i didn't give birth. and i'm frankly side-eyeing you that you've allowed others to convince you this way (convince you to the point that you would actually remark 'sorta').
Relax. It was tongue in cheek. I'm on the bump with this new kid and have had three arguments with stupid people this week. I actually feel the opposite. I labored and pushed for longer than my friend with four kids (total). I'm a birthing expert ;-)
Post by liveintheville on May 18, 2013 10:12:38 GMT -5
I would check out the requirements for adoption to see if it's even an option for you. We did not adopt, but were open to it, as I'm adopted myself. However, due to age and medical history, international adoption was not an option. I do not know what's involved in domestic adoption, however.
Post by AlpineSlide on May 18, 2013 10:37:06 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Two years into our marriage, we started TTC and it took 4 years (I'm 31 and pregnant now, DH is 35). We decided very early in our marriage that we wouldn't have any medical intervention to get pregnant. It was just our choice. We also had the benefit of time. We were young when we started so we were able wait and see and we ultimately got pregnant. I can't say if we would have changed our minds about IVF or anything like that had we not conceived when we did. If it got to the point that I was 35 and H 40, we might have taken some other measures. IDK. There is no right or wrong. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide.
I think if it were me, I'd want to try medical treatments first, simply because they are covered by insurance and adoption is very expensive. Both are great options and come with their own set of stressors so the financial aspect would likely weigh heavily on my choice.
How strongly do you feel about the medication thing? Is it a preference, or a deeply rooted belief? I would say I'm not too comfortable with taking unnecessary medications, but I do believe there are times/circumstances where they so greatly increase your quality of life that the positive outweigh the negatives.
All that said - I would love to adopt if I ever have kids. I have no interest in the experience of being pregnant and I would love to provide a loving home for a child that needs one. If it wasn't so dang expensive that would probably be my first choice option for having a kid at all. So - I guess my real answer is that you should do whatever feels right because it sounds like you can afford either option and both are great. Good luck!
I think if it were me, I'd want to try medical treatments first, simply because they are covered by insurance and adoption is very expensive. Both are great options and come with their own set of stressors so the financial aspect would likely weigh heavily on my choice.
How strongly do you feel about the medication thing? Is it a preference, or a deeply rooted belief? I would say I'm not too comfortable with taking unnecessary medications, but I do believe there are times/circumstances where they so greatly increase your quality of life that the positive outweigh the negatives.
All that said - I would love to adopt if I ever have kids. I have no interest in the experience of being pregnant and I would love to provide a loving home for a child that needs one. If it wasn't so dang expensive that would probably be my first choice option for having a kid at all. So - I guess my real answer is that you should do whatever feels right because it sounds like you can afford either option and both are great. Good luck!
In many cases, adopting from foster care is not very expensive at all. If this is really how you (and your husband) feel you should look into it.
I understand not wanting to invite pain into your personal family and home, but your post seems so strongly worded it was upsetting to read.
The fact that your sister suffered loss is sad, but it is NOT the result of her being adopted. It is the result of her being separated from her birth family and them not being able to parent her. I wonder how open your parents were with her about her adoption and if she had any contact or relationship with her birth family; both these things have been shown to go a long way with helping adoptees process, understand, and come to terms with their adoptions and separations.
The thing is, imagine if your parents hadn't adopted your sister: she would still have had all the same hurt. Now imagine there was no one who adopted your sister: all that same hurt would have been there, amplified by the thoughts of being undesirable, all without a trusted and loving adult to help navigate these emotions. What a horrible and sad life to imagine!
Captain Serious, I agree that my sister's loss was not due to adoption. I am thankful for adoption. And my parents were very open about the adoption from day one (shared pictures of her parents, celebrated her adoption day every year, etc.). Unfortunately, for safety reasons, face-to-face contact with the biological family did not occur until she was older. But I truly believe that my parents did everything in their power to help with the loss.
The reason I posted was that, when choosing between adopting or trying for biological children, recognizing that there are different considerations in those choices beyond costs or a pregnancy/birth experience is very important. The decision is complex and incredibly personal. I am very happy for those who adopt and for children who can find parents through adoption. But for me personally, I would prefer to try for biological children.
I understand not wanting to invite pain into your personal family and home, but your post seems so strongly worded it was upsetting to read.
The fact that your sister suffered loss is sad, but it is NOT the result of her being adopted. It is the result of her being separated from her birth family and them not being able to parent her. I wonder how open your parents were with her about her adoption and if she had any contact or relationship with her birth family; both these things have been shown to go a long way with helping adoptees process, understand, and come to terms with their adoptions and separations.
The thing is, imagine if your parents hadn't adopted your sister: she would still have had all the same hurt. Now imagine there was no one who adopted your sister: all that same hurt would have been there, amplified by the thoughts of being undesirable, all without a trusted and loving adult to help navigate these emotions. What a horrible and sad life to imagine!
Captain Serious, I agree that my sister's loss was not due to adoption. I am thankful for adoption. And my parents were very open about the adoption from day one (shared pictures of her parents, celebrated her adoption day every year, etc.). Unfortunately, for safety reasons, face-to-face contact with the biological family did not occur until she was older. But I truly believe that my parents did everything in their power to help with the loss.
The reason I posted was that, when choosing between adopting or trying for biological children, recognizing that there are different considerations in those choices beyond costs or a pregnancy/birth experience is very important. The decision is complex and incredibly personal. I am very happy for those who adopt and for children who can find parents through adoption. But for me personally, I would prefer to try for biological children.
Thank you for responding and for realizing that I wasn't trying to jump all over you. It's just that reading what you wrote seemed so strongly worded that it seemed you were upset or unsettled by adoption itself, as the cause of the pain your sister (and by extension, other adoptees) felt (/feel).
Your response here makes a lot of sense, and I'm a big proponent of people researching and reading and understanding as much about adoption before making that choice (and throughout life, if they do, in fact, adopt).
I think if it were me, I'd want to try medical treatments first, simply because they are covered by insurance and adoption is very expensive. Both are great options and come with their own set of stressors so the financial aspect would likely weigh heavily on my choice.
How strongly do you feel about the medication thing? Is it a preference, or a deeply rooted belief? I would say I'm not too comfortable with taking unnecessary medications, but I do believe there are times/circumstances where they so greatly increase your quality of life that the positive outweigh the negatives.
All that said - I would love to adopt if I ever have kids. I have no interest in the experience of being pregnant and I would love to provide a loving home for a child that needs one. If it wasn't so dang expensive that would probably be my first choice option for having a kid at all. So - I guess my real answer is that you should do whatever feels right because it sounds like you can afford either option and both are great. Good luck!
In many cases, adopting from foster care is not very expensive at all. If this is really how you (and your husband) feel you should look into it.
Good point. OP mentioned she'd want a newborn, but personally I wouldn't mind a slightly older child. I'm years off from being in a place where I'd be ready for a kid but definitely something to keep in mind when the time comes (if it comes, I'm still kind of on the fence about whether or not I truly actually want kids). Thanks!
I will preface my questions by telling you that we did IVF for low count/morph and eventually had twins on the fourth cycle.
What are your ethical issues with IVF?
What would you think if you were able to have only one biological child? Would you be okay adopting after a biological kid or okay having only one kid?
Post by hopecounts on May 18, 2013 14:56:57 GMT -5
Given that insurance will pay for it I would do an IUi/IVF while starting the research/prep work for adoption. The adoption process can be very slow and requires a lot of paperwork and what have you so I would use a couple months of that time while researching and choosing an agency/lawyer/facilitator and gathering birth certificates, soc. sec. cards, writing out every location both of you have lived, deciding who to ask for personal reds, etc. to do an IUI/IVF and see what happens. If it works then decision made, if not then you are ready to sign up with your chosen adoption worker and hit the ground running or if you feel that you want to try again then you can do so.
I will preface my questions by telling you that we did IVF for low count/morph and eventually had twins on the fourth cycle.
What are your ethical issues with IVF?
What would you think if you were able to have only one biological child? Would you be okay adopting after a biological kid or okay having only one kid?
My ethical issues are basically that I would consider each embryo a baby and would want to give each a chance and I know that is not necessarily a feasible endeavor.
I would be fine with having only one biological child but I would prefer to not have an only child. I would definitely adopt after having a bio kid but we might look at older children maybe a sibling group through DCF at that point. DH and I talked about adopting an older child later in life even before we had issues. I would like to have a newborn at least once one way or another.
I will preface my questions by telling you that we did IVF
My ethical issues are basically that I would consider each embryo a baby and would want to give each a chance and I know that is not necessarily a feasible endeavor. I would be fine with having only one biological child but I would prefer to not have an only child. I would definitely adopt after having a bio kid but we might look at older children maybe a sibling group through DCF at that point. DH and I talked about adopting an older child later in life even before we had issues. I would like to have a newborn at least once one way or another.
What about a low fert IVF cycle, you don't fertilize all the eggs and discard or freeze those you don't use for potential use later (freezing is not possible at all facilities). you keep the fert number down to a number that can reasonably be used and avoid the issue of unused embryos. or how would you feel about donating unused embryos to a family looking to "adopt" them to use to add to their family. Just playing devil's advocate and suggesting possible solutions if that is your only issue.
I will preface my questions by telling you that we did IVF for low count/morph and eventually had twins on the fourth cycle.
What are your ethical issues with IVF?
What would you think if you were able to have only one biological child? Would you be okay adopting after a biological kid or okay having only one kid?
My ethical issues are basically that I would consider each embryo a baby and would want to give each a chance and I know that is not necessarily a feasible endeavor.
I would be fine with having only one biological child but I would prefer to not have an only child. I would definitely adopt after having a bio kid but we might look at older children maybe a sibling group through DCF at that point. DH and I talked about adopting an older child later in life even before we had issues. I would like to have a newborn at least once one way or another.
Not that this is a good thing, but we were also worried about what to do with "leftover" embryos. After 4 IVF cycles, we didn't have a single "leftover" embryo.
It sounds like you guys have talked about the different scenarios. Some people want all bio kids or none. Its just something to make sure you think about.
Personally, IVF was hard, but given your diagnosis, I would do IVF over IUI. We were told we could try IUI after my husband took some medication, but that the medication might not do anything and then the IUI success rate would be so low. I'm glad we chose IVF because I also had immature eggs. The only time it worked is when they let my follicles mature longer than usual. Good luck. Its a hard decision.
I will preface my questions by telling you that we did IVF for low count/morph and eventually had twins on the fourth cycle.
What are your ethical issues with IVF?
What would you think if you were able to have only one biological child? Would you be okay adopting after a biological kid or okay having only one kid?
Do you really not get why people may have ethical issues with IVF?
OP - We have IF, I have bad endo, cystic ovaries, a blocked tube and my H has some motility issues. I don't know the answers:( The doctor wants to do surgery, which I don't want. She said we could try IUI but our success rate would be low. Not sure if we want IVF or not or if it's even an option if I don't have surgery.
I've found an adoption agency I like and have the packet to complete. For now, we're just sitting on it, trying to make the decisions we're comfortable with.
I'm also 35, so 'advanced maternal age'. lol Best of luck to you on your journey.
There are various reasons that people can be opposed to IVF (from the artificial creation of life to what to do with the leftover embryos). I was asking in order to get more information since she was asking for advice. And as another poster replied, there are ways to lower the chances of leftover embryos (or things to do with them other than destroy them) so that might help the original poster.
Mofongo, I am so sorry that you too are going through this. Infertility sucks and it made me into a crazy person. I hope you find some answers and some peace with your decisions. Hugs.