I don't think I could carry a baby to term and give it up. DH and I never discussed this, but I'm fairly sure we would have agreed to terminate the pregnancy. I know that SN children bring many gifts, but I also know that's wasn't prepared to put that strain on my DS or my marriage.
No judgement from me.
I also don't blame you a bit for thinking about this now, when you've still got a (relatively) clear head.
I'm sorry you have to think about this, sonrisa. But, like you, I would HAVE to think about it, try to plan for it, and figure out my feelings about it. Waiting for answers is horrible, but "hypothetical planning" would be the only thing that would keep me sane in the mean time.
And for me, I would have terminated for a number of conditions, possibly including Down Syndrome- especially for #2. That would have been my choice, but DH was in agreement. We both understand (as well as one can without living the situation) what it can take to raise a SN child, emotionally, financially, etc, and as cold as it may be, the statistics for marriages in which the parents have a SN child. Marriage is hard enough as it is. Life is hard enough as it is. We wanted to be realistic about our future, as well as the futures of a child with SN and any typical children we might have.
Obviously, only you know what you should do (even if you're not sure what you should do right now). Just know that whatever the results, whatever your decision, WE will support you.
This was the same with us, except with already had two children. We weren't at high risk for genetic issues, as far as we knew, and I still couldn't help but have the worry in the back in my mind that something might be wrong. So, DH and I talked about some "what ifs" and we agreed that we would terminate if the fetus was found to have certain conditions, Down Syndrome included.
I hope everything is OK and you don't have to make this decision, but if you do, you have a great group of people here who will be there for you.
1. The few people I've known with Down's were some of the sweetest and most happy people I've known. The sister of one of DH's best friends has Down's, and DH grew up with them so knew her throughout her childhood. I love being around her because she is funny, sweet, and very loving and affectionate. She is able to hold a job doing simple things, like rolling silverware in napkins at a restaurant, and she loves working. She lives at home, but when her parents are no longer able to take care of her, she will be able to do well in a group home. Her parents are of modest means, but with some saving and also finding community and government resources, their daughter will be okay when they are gone and not a burden on her brother. Based on my personal experiences with Down's, I wouldn't terminate if I found out I were carrying a child with Down's.
2. If you do find out that the child has Down's or another health issue, you need to make up your mind as early as possible about adoption. There aren't exactly people waiting in line to adopt special needs children. That said, there are amazing people out there who do specifically desire to adopt a special needs child, and you would likely find the child a good home, but you will want as much time as possible for the adoption professional you are working with to find a family. They typically have to contact adoption professionals all over the country and really get the word out about the situation to find adoptive parents who are interested. If you choose adoption late in the pregnancy, it's very likely that you would be faced with having to parent the child until an adoptive family is found, or having to hand your child over to CPS to live with a foster family. That is not a choice you want to face.
I do think you are putting the cart before the horse a bit if this is only a 20% chance of becoming reality, but I'm a worry wart, too, and would probably be thinking through these things as well. Hopefully it's not a decision you will be faced with.
If you do find yourself in this situation and think you want to choose adoption, send me a PM because I know a lot of adoption professionals and can likely help with with finding the perfect adoptive family. The trend these days is strongly toward open adoption, where you would at least get pictures and letters, and possibly even visits, so you would know how the child is doing and be able to keep in touch.
Well, it turned out that I did actually have a lot to add.
Do you really think you could make peace with giving up your child because your dh wanted him/her terminated? To be honest, I don't think you could do that without irreparable damage to your relationship.
As far as your daughter, I think having a SN sibling can be a huge gift. It teaches acceptance and compassion. DS people aren't just a bag of massive needs without any reward. They bring a unique and often very loving personality to the table. And there are many resources for adult care of people with DS. There are ways you could lessen the burden for your dd.
I think you're borrowing trouble right now, but the short answer is that you can't give up a child, in any capacity, that you want. There is no reconciling yourself to that for the sake of others. The fallout would be too destructive.
You complain about the stress of your days with your 2, very happy and healthy children. Imagine, for a second, that one of them had extreme special needs.
My mom DEFINITELY felt the burden of having to care for her younger, sick brother. She still feels responsible.
I don't believe that I said anywhere that I didn't think it would be extremely challenging.
I'm not going to argue further in this thread, though.
@godawgs : the reason I started to think about adoption is that there is a service which specifically coordinates down syndrome adoptions. They often have a larger pool of prospective adoptive parents than birth parents (according to their website).
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Given that there are a pool of people out there seeking to adopt down syndrome kids, clearly there are families who not only know they can handle this but embrace and seek out the possibility. Some people who feel similarly might be posters on here. I don't doubt that @stellasmom and others feel like this is a challenge they could face. If I get there, I will decide if it is a challenge I can surmount. For me, having another child already complicates the matter.
Post by snipsnsnails on Jun 9, 2013 12:33:14 GMT -5
So much to say and so little time sometimes to say it. So, I leave it at this. I love you, friend. I say it almost nonchalantly all the time here, but I believe in your wisdom. More than your capabilities (these are almost superhuman, I know it and believe it, and life especially knows it with everything that it has served you over the past several years), your wisdom and your heart is something that will guide you to decide for you, and DH and sweet DD, but mainly you. I'm here to listen, to investigate, to cry, to laugh or to just be a friend. Always. xoxox
First, I think you are over thinking this, but I would be too.
Second, I agree with SueSue, and I think that's where you'd end up too. If for no reason other than that you love your daughter, who you know and have experienced as a living child, too much to risk anything that would put her in the backseat. I would be there without a second thought. And I don't think you should have any guilt or regret for considering it, and I actually think you should delete this because the piles of guilt that are going to be thrown are not going to be helpful to you right now.
But really, you will be OK. And this is going to seem like a horrible philosophical exercise you did to torture yourself.
What's sad is the reason why so many govt funded programs have gone disappeared or the help is fading is due to shrinking population of people with those needs, at least in the DS community. And different states have different programs. When H grew up in FL there were many more state funded programs that his sister did for free, but they are now living in MN where that is not the case, but it seems like she is enjoying herself more in the things she is doing.
Sonrisa, I think doing the research now is smart and like you, I find comfort in knowing the details of things. Information is a comfort rather than an added source of stress. Do it now and consider and hopefully, you will not have to use what you find.
you know yourself, what you and your marriage and family can handle and no one can tell you what is the right choice. You will know that, even if it ends up being one that is incredibly tough, that won't make it the wrong choice.
I don't think it is flame worthy at all to consider your marriage and your other child when talking about adding another child, much less one with the potential to have SN. I think being realistic about your options, and what you know you are (or are not) capable of is smart.
I hope you get reassuring results soon. ((((sonrisa))))
well, i'm also totally ancient for a pregnant lady (according to the AMA stamped all over my file) and had the same concerns. what if there are problems/what if they're huge problems/what if they're bad but not life-threatening problems/i have another kid/what does the husband think/blah blah. it was part of our numerous discussions in deciding to try for a second kid or not, and we primarily agreed (in favor of termination in many cases) with me more likely to waffle than him (he's a decisive kinda guy).
i handled it by just freaking the fuck out and offering vials of blood to any medical professionals who will take and assess them for me, and then crossing my fingers that the results didn't force us into such a decision. so far, so good. my next ultrasound is tuesday, so i've recommenced freaking out even though i have no medical reason to do so.
i just pull a scarlett o'hara and go all "tomorrah is anothah day" whenever i get too in my own head, while waiting for results. as in, i cher-slap myself whenever i get too freaked. i'm doing it right now. i.e., i have no solutions for you. just empathy.