I'm concerned about my granddaughter's behavior

[flex]

I guess she's been pretty out of control lately with my son (and with her other grandmother).  She's been sneaking out of the house without my son knowing about it.  On the weekends they take a nap, and if she wakes up before my son, she'll go outside unattended.  She's done that more than once, so DS will set the deadbolt.  But somehow yesterday she figured out how to get it open and off she went.  Friday he caught her trying to get out through her bedroom window while he was bringing groceries in to the house.

She disregards the consequences: grounding, spoken to sternly, taking away her toys, offers of rewards, etc.  All she does is wait until he's not paying attention and off she goes--damn the consequences.

I guess her behavior has been bad too (not counting the wanderings): back talk, tantrums, lies, etc. This has been going on for the past three weeks.

Do you think it's because she's not getting enough attention?  DS is a single parent who works full-time.  So of course he can't be with her 24 hours a day, but he's at his wit's end.  I've suggested that he get in touch with a counselor or a child behavior expert, but he has limited funds.  He said he's hoping she's just going through a phase, but for heaven's sake:  she's only 6!!  Why is she acting this way?  Any ideas/suggestions??

[Kristinmo]

Put a deadbolt that requires a key on the door. That will solve it in the short term.

[hopecounts]

There should be a community sliding scale mental health service that will cover her for a fee based on household income.
In the interim a keyed deadbolt/or high up latch.
How old is she?
Has he tried taking away her favorite thing (TV/particular doll or stuffed animal/etc)

[karmasabiotch]

Is he limiting screen time with tv, video, Ipad, etc? Taking away everything until she starts to earn items back with good behavior?

Has there been any major changes in her schedule or home life?

[flex]

Jul 8, 2013 14:38:25 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

There should be a community sliding scale mental health service that will cover her for a fee based on household income.
In the interim a keyed deadbolt/or high up latch.
How old is she?
Has he tried taking away her favorite thing (TV/particular doll or stuffed animal/etc)

She disregards the consequences: grounding, spoken to sternly, taking away her toys, offers of rewards, etc. All she does is wait until he's not paying attention and off she goes--damn the consequences.

I guess her behavior has been bad too (not counting the wanderings): back talk, tantrums, lies, etc. This has been going on for the past three weeks.

Do you think it's because she's not getting enough attention? DS is a single parent who works full-time. So of course he can't be with her 24 hours a day, but he's at his wit's end. I've suggested that he get in touch with a counselor or a child behavior expert, but he has limited funds. He said he's hoping she's just going through a phase, but for heaven's sake: she's only 6!! Why is she acting this way? Any ideas/suggestions??

* * * * * * * * * * *


See above.

That's a great idea about the sliding scale!!  I'll look into it and talk to him about it tonight.  Thank you!

[flex]

Jul 8, 2013 14:41:48 GMT -5 karmasabiotch said:

Is he limiting screen time with tv, video, Ipad, etc? Taking away everything until she starts to earn items back with good behavior?

Has there been any major changes in her schedule or home life?

No major changes.  He said it kind of started up when she got out of kindergarten for the summer.  Her schedule is about the same.  They moved into the apartment they're at now in November.

[bania]

Jul 8, 2013 14:34:24 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

Put a deadbolt that requires a key on the door. That will solve it in the short term.

Yeah this. I realize it doesn't help the other issues but at least it's one less thing to worry about

Sorry flex that sucks.

[elleblue]

Jul 8, 2013 14:43:13 GMT -5 flex said:

Jul 8, 2013 14:41:48 GMT -5 karmasabiotch said:

Is he limiting screen time with tv, video, Ipad, etc? Taking away everything until she starts to earn items back with good behavior?

Has there been any major changes in her schedule or home life?

No major changes.  He said it kind of started up when she got out of kindergarten for the summer.  Her schedule is about the same.  They moved into the apartment they're at now in November.

It sounds like she may be acting out for attention. Is it possible that she's bored/lonely? Are there any summer activities/camp like places that she can join? Something like the girl scouts or Vacation Bible School or really anything that gets her out of the house and with her peers might be helpful.

[livinitup]

Were is she going? Has anyone asked?

I'd make sure she was enrolled is a full-day, high activity summer camp. With excellent supervision.

[Jalapeñomel]

How old is she?  EDIT: Nevermind I see you say she is 6. 

[Bad Dingo]

This seems like stranger behavior for a 6 year old (I'm talking about the running away, not the back-talking). What does she do all day? Maybe she is really bored and tired of being locked in the apartment all day? I'd advise against a door that she can't get out of just because it seems like it'd be a bad idea in an emergency situation.

[flex]

Jul 8, 2013 14:55:34 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

This is why I think some kids need one good ass-kicking.

I agree.  He has spanked her, but apparently the fear of punishment doesn't seem to make an impression when she's tempted. To be brutally honest, she can be a real sneaky Pete.  I've told her more than once to stay out of my stuff when she's at my house, but it doesn't seem to make an impression on her.  Until I tell her dad about it, then she's contrite.

DS#2 used to be that way when he was little about how he behaved at school.  When he was with us, he was fine.  But once he was no longer under the watchful eye of mom or dad, he could get out of control.  We were at our wit's end for many years.  

I suggest the keyed deadbolt to DS.

Thank you for all the input.  It's really helpful.

[Deleted]

It sounds like something is going on with her for sure. Can he explain to her WHY going out alone is so dangerous? I'm not one to scare my kids unnecessarily, but it sounds like she could use a little fear right about now.

I second getting a counselor to talk through things with her.

Kids are fucking hard man.

[papie]

I would definitely get her to see a counsellor.  That is not normal behavior for a 6yo.  Who watches her when he works? Has anything changed recently? My daughter is 5.5 and I would be very concerned if she started acting like that.  Tantrums and back talk are normal and fair game.  Sneaking out is NOT.  Did he talk to her? What does she say?

I,m sorry flex, I hope they figure things out soon. 

[cleo29]

You can get those hotel style safety locks and put it at the top corner of the door, so far too high for her to reach.

I would definitely check out some summer programs. I wonder if a lot of it has to do with boredom and not being with lots of other kids regularly.

[papie]

Jul 8, 2013 15:01:52 GMT -5 flex said:

Jul 8, 2013 14:55:34 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

This is why I think some kids need one good ass-kicking.

I agree.  He has spanked her, but apparently the fear of punishment doesn't seem to make an impression when she's tempted. To be brutally honest, she can be a real sneaky Pete.  I've told her more than once to stay out of my stuff when she's at my house, but it doesn't seem to make an impression on her.  Until I tell her dad about it, then she's contrite.

DS#2 used to be that way when he was little about how he behaved at school.  When he was with us, he was fine.  But once he was no longer under the watchful eye of mom or dad, he could get out of control.  We were at our wit's end for many years.  

I suggest the keyed deadbolt to DS.

Thank you for all the input.  It's really helpful.

Yeah, I am not going to judge, because I know we get desperate, but I REALLY don't think spanking is the solution here.  It would only make her more resentful nd more angry and feeling more lonely.  He needs to show her he is ON HER SIDE. 

I agree that she seems to need some structured activity.  What is she doing all summer? Daycamp? Or home with a sitter?

[flex]

She stays with her other grandmother or her grandmother's friend (who is a retired nurse) during the weekday. Day camp is a good suggestion. Savannah is super social, so that would be a good outlet for her.

[papie]

Jul 8, 2013 15:13:24 GMT -5 flex said:

She stays with her other grandmother or her grandmother's friend (who is a retired nurse) during the weekday. Day camp is a good suggestion. Savannah is super social, so that would be a good outlet for her.

Yes, I think that maye be the issue.  Kids now are so used to being stimulated and surrounded all the time, that being "alone" with no friends and no activities is really hard on them.  I know my kids start acting up after one week at home with little activities, three weeks would have them climbing the walls and pulling each other's hair out. 

Good luck to your son, I hope it is just boredom and nothing serious. 

[elleblue]

Jul 8, 2013 15:13:24 GMT -5 flex said:

She stays with her other grandmother or her grandmother's friend (who is a retired nurse) during the weekday. Day camp is a good suggestion. Savannah is super social, so that would be a good outlet for her.

I think that may be the source of the issue. Good luck with everything, I hope you're able to find a good day camp for her.

[flex]

Unfortunately DS really can't afford day camp but perhaps I can help out.

[TemperanceBrennan]

When I needed a counselor for my sister, I called her school guidance counselor and asked for suggestions, because we didn't know how we could afford it. She gave us some suggestions and some counselors do have a sliding scale/deal with the county, so it is cheaper for people. If he calls a counselor that doesn't have a sliding scale, they might be able to suggest someone who does.

I'm also wondering what she says when someone asks her what she is doing/why she is trying to sneak out?

[katandkevin]

Jul 8, 2013 15:05:41 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

You can get those hotel style safety locks and put it at the top corner of the door, so far too high for her to reach.

I would definitely check out some summer programs. I wonder if a lot of it has to do with boredom and not being with lots of other kids regularly.

This is what I would suggest. I would stay away from the keyed deadbolt. They are a huge fire hazard if you can't find the key when you need to get out and if a fire fighter needs to get in.

[cleo29]

Jul 8, 2013 15:25:12 GMT -5 flex said:

Unfortunately DS really can't afford day camp but perhaps I can help out.

are there any city run programs that she would qualify for?  I think there are similar things in my area but I am not sure what they offer in your city.

I don't know they do with her during the day, but usually there are free things to do with kids all over. Story time at the library for example. I think they need to look into what is offered for little to no cost in the area and start doing it if they can.

I do think the suddenness of school ending and all the routine that goes with it can be a lot for some kids.

[TemperanceBrennan]

Is there a boys and girls club or something similar in the area? I think in our area there are things through them that are cheap or free. I also second the library, ours have extra things that they do during the summer.

[flex]

I just texted him that I'd be willing to help out financially with Boys/Girls Club or YMCA, etc. if he did some research on it.

[LauraMoser]

Jul 8, 2013 14:55:34 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

This is why I think some kids need one good ass-kicking.

I will admit to thinking this about a kid relative of mine. And it takes me a lot to think this of any kid. But kid relative is terrible, as in worst behaved kid I've ever met.

I'm going to agree with those who suggested day camp or other activities.

[bella427]

Jul 8, 2013 15:51:06 GMT -5 flex said:

I just texted him that I'd be willing to help out financially with Boys/Girls Club or YMCA, etc. if he did some research on it.

I'm glad you're doing this.  DD is the same age and most of her friends are not at preschool this summer.  She's so sad and bored without them!

[Captain Serious]

Are there any other signs that indicate that perhaps she should be seen by a developmental pediatrician? Wandering off is super common in some kids with developmental issues, especially kids on the autism spectrum. Developmental issues could also explain her resistance to typical behavior modification techniques. How does she behave when she is under the supervision of her other grandmother? Are there any other red flags?

Also, in the meantime, if your son doesn't want to get a key-operated lock for the deadbolt (it can be a fire hazard), he should look into door alarms, which are typically used by families in these situations (senile adults, children with special needs, children who have suffered trauma are all categories of people who wander/abscond).

[jenna]

SS's school offers an affordable day camp, and so does our local community center.  SS went to one operated by the school & held in the cafeteria/gym, but using counselors from the local YMCA.

GL

[mirandahobbes]

What state do they live in? I *thought* most states provided Medicaid for all children without insurance. Insurance should cover counseling. Something to look into.

I think it's great you're willing to help out. It really does take a village.