I don't know what is wrong with me.

[malibu]

I am signed up to do the Warrior Dash in September. I registered in March so I had motivation and plenty of time to train.

I started C25K (for about the fifth time in five years) and basically quit. No reason other than tired, lazy, and just didn't feel like it.

I am at my heaviest weight I have ever been and if I am honest with myself, don't really care. I hate looking in the mirror or realizing a pair of pants that I bought recently don't fit anymore, but I just can't seem to kick myself in the ass and do something about it. It cost me $60 to sign up for this race, I am going to do it even if I have to walk, but that wasn't my intention. Work is kicking my ass, by the time I get DD from daycare and get home/make dinner/glare at my very messy house and ignore it, it's fairly late and I just want to go to bed.

Why the hell don't I care I'm getting fatter by the day? I take Cymbalta for both anxiety and depression. It works very well and I really don't think depression is the issue here. It's like I want to care that I hate the way I look, but I just can't. I always think "oh, tomorrow I'll start using MFP again and eat better", and it always gets put off. Now I'm a little afraid to start running again because I've gotten so heavy I am betting my joints will hurt like crazy.

What the crap is wrong with me??? Be gentle, I'm beating myself up enough as it is.

[Bernadine]

I don't have an answer either, but I'm right here with you. I'm totally disgusted by my lack of motivation.

[Deleted]

I am in that space, too. But something has to give. And that something has to be my ass. So, starting Monday, I am hitting the gym again.

[Deleted]

I've been feeling the same exact way lately. I think the lack of motivation and fatigue at least for me, might be side effects of the AD. Since it kind of dampens the emotions and makes me feel like I don't give as much of a fuck in general, I think that translates even to something I want desperately to change.

[ginap]

I am in that place right now as well. I am tired of buying bigger pants and hating how I look in the mirror and in pictures but apparently don't hate it enough to do anything about it.

[malibu]

The stupid thing is, I lost 35 lbs last year. I worked out religiously (like 5-6 times a week) and I always felt great after a workout. I KNOW it'll make me feel better, more energy, all that. I just kind of...stopped in Sept/Octoberish, and gained it all back and then some.

What's really sad is I am almost afraid to go to any MN GTGs now, I rarely go see friends, or really anyone outside my H, DD, or family/ILs because I'm so embarrassed by how gross I feel.

Disclaimer: Not one person I've met at any MN GTGs would ever make me feel bad or say anything so I'm not saying that anyone would make me uncomfortable. Just that I am uncomfortable around others since my weight gain. All the MN GBCNers are very sweet and nice!

I don't even know why I stopped. Part of it was we had money issues later in the year so the gym was the first thing to go. I ruined my one pair of running shoes doing the Dash last year and couldn't afford to buy more. I got some in March after taxes came back, they've been used maybe twice?

[snickers]

When I get this way I have to force myself to go a few times, and then it seems to become routine again. I also find it hard to have motivation to go in the summer because they are plenty of other thins I would rather do with my time.
It is really hard to lose weight when you don't actually have the motivation behind it
Don't beat yourself up over it, you are not alone!

[malibu]

One of the more unfair parts of life is how easy one can gain weight, but how goddamn hard it is to get rid of it.

Ok probably not one of the WORST things in life, but it is pretty unfair the way that works.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2013 18:38:47 GMT -5 malibu said:

The stupid thing is, I lost 35 lbs last year. I worked out religiously (like 5-6 times a week) and I always felt great after a workout. I KNOW it'll make me feel better, more energy, all that. I just kind of...stopped in Sept/Octoberish, and gained it all back and then some.

What's really sad is I am almost afraid to go to any MN GTGs now, I rarely go see friends, or really anyone outside my H, DD, or family/ILs because I'm so embarrassed by how gross I feel.

Disclaimer: Not one person I've met at any MN GTGs would ever make me feel bad or say anything so I'm not saying that anyone would make me uncomfortable. Just that I am uncomfortable around others since my weight gain. All the MN GBCNers are very sweet and nice!

I don't even know why I stopped. Part of it was we had money issues later in the year so the gym was the first thing to go. I ruined my one pair of running shoes doing the Dash last year and couldn't afford to buy more. I got some in March after taxes came back, they've been used maybe twice?

Do you think that if you had an accountability buddy it would help motivate you?

 I feel like if I had someone to go to the gym with or even just check in with, that it would help me stay on track.

[jennysmitten]

Signing up for a class, so I have to go, always helps me. Is that something you could do?

[leahmel]

Like PP suggested, can you find a workout buddy? I know for me it is such a big difference for keeping me motivated. If someone is depending on me to be there, I am way more likely to go.. And then once the ball is rolling it gets easier and becomes a habit within a few weeks.

[leahmel]

I also think at the beginning you really jut have to act like you don't have a choice an suffer through, eventually the suffering lessens. Lol. Schedule blocks of time ahead of time and just donut as if it were your job. It's just the beginning that is so damn hard.

[malibu]

Yes, it would.

I don't have a lot of friends that live near me though - my two closest friends live over an hour away. MFP was helpful with people commenting and providing encouragement but it isn't the same as having someone to go for a run with me. My H is pretty depressed and has gotten pretty heavy as well. That doesn't help much when we are both unmotivated to do anything about it. He takes ADs but I don't think they help him very much.

I am tempted to look for a running club, but again, I am embarrassed by my appearance and afraid to try. Sounds so stupid when I type it out.

[leahmel]

*do it

Sorry, mentioning donuts is probably not helpful!

[leahmel]

Does your H have the desire to lose weight too? Maybe you can convince him to go on walks with you or try a workout DVD series of you do it together?

[leahmel]

(Sorry for all the typos... Damn phone)

[leahmel]

Scotty has a point about the meds!

[malibu]

Jul 10, 2013 18:56:48 GMT -5 leahmel said:

Does your H have the desire to lose weight too? Maybe you can convince him to go on walks with you or try a workout DVD series of you do it together?

He will say he does but doesn't follow through. That reminds me though-my mom gave me a Leslie Sansone DVD for Christmas. I should put that in to start out.

It's hard for him too, he works ridiculous hours-10 or 11 hour days on his feet the whole time. By the time he gets home, sometimes at 7 pm, sometimes at 11 pm, the last thing he wants to do is be on his feet anymore. By the third or fourth day of work each week, if I touch his knees, they're hot to the touch, that's how bad it is for him, standing all day. I don't really blame him for not wanting to go for walks or running after the long days he puts in.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I know it helps me when my DH does things with me. I get annoyed with his persistance but afterwards I am so glad I did something. We are doing C25K together now. I totally feel you on the motivation part though. It's like I know how good it can feel because I have been there before, but it's so hard to actually do it for some reason. It's like why wouldn't I want to feel good about myself again?!? Ugh.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2013 18:55:27 GMT -5 malibu said:

Yes, it would.

I don't have a lot of friends that live near me though - my two closest friends live over an hour away. MFP was helpful with people commenting and providing encouragement but it isn't the same as having someone to go for a run with me. My H is pretty depressed and has gotten pretty heavy as well. That doesn't help much when we are both unmotivated to do anything about it. He takes ADs but I don't think they help him very much.

I am tempted to look for a running club, but again, I am embarrassed by my appearance and afraid to try. Sounds so stupid when I type it out.

Its the same for me too. I don't have anyone I can workout with to keep me motivated, which I know would really help.

[zoidberg]

Jul 10, 2013 18:55:27 GMT -5 malibu said:

Yes, it would.

I don't have a lot of friends that live near me though - my two closest friends live over an hour away. MFP was helpful with people commenting and providing encouragement but it isn't the same as having someone to go for a run with me. My H is pretty depressed and has gotten pretty heavy as well. That doesn't help much when we are both unmotivated to do anything about it. He takes ADs but I don't think they help him very much.

I am tempted to look for a running club, but again, I am embarrassed by my appearance and afraid to try. Sounds so stupid when I type it out.

I belong to a fairly large running group, and I promise you that ALL shapes, sizes, ages and fitness levels are represented.

[malibu]

Jul 10, 2013 18:57:20 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Is the Cymbalta making you feel that way, maybe? Not advocating dropping meds, but maybe it's making you feel all ladeela about it, instead of anxious/worried?

I'd be surprised if it was, I've been taking it for almost four years. But it could very well be, who knows.

You know, you bring up a good point about being married and not caring as much anymore. Our marriage is pretty stale. Long work hours, very sweet but difficult child, and life in general have made us both pretty complacent. That's likely a huge factor in my lack of motivation. We focus a lot of our attention and time on our daughter, as she can make life a little difficult for us (example: six months of not sleeping more than a few hours a night for most of this year, so we were both exhausted). We don't get a lot of time to even just sit and talk to each other anymore. Maybe that's where some of my 'who cares' attitude about my body is stemming from. Kind of a he doesn't care, why should I? kind of thing?

[ElizabethBennet]

I'm sounding like a broken record with this but I really recommend Intuitive Eating. It's amazing.

puddleofgrace also recommended When Women Stop Hating their bodies and I'm reading it right now. Both of these books have been a huge eye opener for me.

[joenali]

It sounds like from your post that you do in fact care about the state of your body, it's just that you aren't sure what to do next. I think everyone has some great ideas. I second or third the medication check, maybe there is better option? Also, why do you feel like you need to do the warrior dash? If you aren't into running, don't do it. Try to find something you might enjoy. Ride a bike, go on a hike, take a dance class with DH, karate, swimming, water aerobics, cross fit. There are so many things that are fun to do it might not even seem like working out!

I agree with Zoid, I belong to a tri team and there are all sorts of skill levels and builds. I'm always amazed at what other people can do with their bodies no matter what they look like!

[joenali]

Jul 10, 2013 19:32:49 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

I'm sounding like a broken record with this but I really recommend Intuitive Eating. It's amazing.

puddleofgrace also recommended When Women Stop Hating their bodies and I'm reading it right now. Both of these books have been a huge eye opener for me.

That sounds like an interesting read! I'll have to look that up!

[malibu]

I did the WD last year and loved it, so I signed up again. I enjoyed running when I was doing it last year, so I don't know why I can't get motivated this time around.

[justkeepswimming]

I know you said that you don't think this is your depression talking, but what about your anxiety? The procrastination/lack of motivation to make it happen is often how my anxiety manifests itself. Smaller tasks seem huge and overwhelming when I am struggling with my anxiety, so instead of taking a step forward, I get overwhelmed and quit before I start. I also tend to be anxious that I will fail (not losing weight or being able to run the race in this case) and so I get stubborn and angry at myself and don't try. Could either of these be part of the problem?

[kellina]

I know for me, it was so easy to talk myself out of a run or find excuses as the day went on. I started running at 5am now. Which certainly sucks, but it's become habit now. I was going at 8pm and by that point I'm just pooped!

I agree with joining a running group. Is there a local running store by you? Our Fleet Feet has a ton of beginner programs with all shapes and sizes!

You can do it!

[kmpls]

You sound like me.

i mean to work out. I just have so many other things to do.

if you are near me in the metro, I would be willing to meet and walk.

[Deleted]

OMG! I'm going to be in your area for 15 days in August. We can run or walk together or whatever. Every day if you want. I'm not kidding. I'd love a running/walking buddy. PM me if you're interested. No pressure, but it could be fun!