I don't understand people who don't like animals, I really don't. And I really don't think I could spend my whole life with someone who doesn't understand the depth of love I have for my animals and my commitment to them. Even if the dog does pass away soon, she will want another dog someday. Animal lovers lives are not quite complete without an animal. And I think his inablity to understand that is the real deal-breaker.
Also, I was attacked by a German Shepard when I was 16 yrs old. I do honestly have a harder time with that breed. Even now I flinch if they start barking at me. But I think being scared of a 9 yr old cocker spaniel is laughable. This man needs some therapy.
I would bet he's not actually scared of the dog, he just doesn't like it.
I'm not a dog lover - I don't hate dogs, but I don't particularly love them and don't think I would enjoy living with one - but that's why I didn't marry someone who was a huge dog person. Its one of those things where there's no middle ground - you can't partially have a dog. Either you have one or you don't.
He doesnt have to love the dog. He also doesn't have to tolerate the dog. All he has to do not to be a huge asshole is to understand that the woman he loves has this dog and is going to keep him until he dies. Then he can decide if he wants to wait for that to happen before getting married, get married and respect the dogs existence until it dies, or GTFO. Demanding she get rid of the dog so he can marry her?
I think both of them need to work more on this before outright choosing one thing or another.
And it's interesting that no one here has talked about the fertility question. I understand the love for her dog, but at the same time she isn't getting any younger. If this is the man she wants to marry, then perhaps if there is no other answer, she does need to decide between living without him (and future children) and living without her dog. I'm thinking there's got to be a family member between the two of them that would take the dog.
I don't think it's a red herring on his part. She wrote that he does want to get married and have children. There;s no reason to believe that he doesn't really want that. I, on the other hand, wonder whether she really wants to marry him.
I don't understand people who don't like animals, I really don't. And I really don't think I could spend my whole life with someone who doesn't understand the depth of love I have for my animals and my commitment to them. Even if the dog does pass away soon, she will want another dog someday. Animal lovers lives are not quite complete without an animal. And I think his inablity to understand that is the real deal-breaker.
Likewise, I don't understand people who love animals. If H was verrrry adamant about always owning pets and unwilling to compromise, that would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me; I believe animals should be well-nurtured and given good homes and I don't want to take on that big responsibility.
However, as a non-animal lover, I can sort of understand why this guy may have been hesitant to break things off early after realizing how much this woman cares for her dog. If you really like someone, it can be hard to not progress with the relationship further just because they own a dog they care for very much. Yes, that would have been the right thing to do, but far easier said than done. After all, someone who isn't around animals very much isn't going to understand right off the bat (if ever) how deeply a pet owner cares about their pet, and by that point, the relationship has likely been moving forward towards a more serious point, like in this situation.
And it's interesting that no one here has talked about the fertility question. I understand the love for her dog, but at the same time she isn't getting any younger. If this is the man she wants to marry, then perhaps if there is no other answer, she does need to decide between living without him (and future children) and living without her dog. I'm thinking there's got to be a family member between the two of them that would take the dog.
The woman wrote in her letter that she's willing to wait two years.
And the dog is nine years old, and his been with her since it was a puppy. It would be cruel to dump it with a new family now. To "dog people," it's not just a dog, it's a family member, not to mention, who wants a senior dog and the myriad of health issues that inevitably come along? It's heartbreaking to see older dogs sit in shelters, but most people who come in to adopt want younger dogs.
And it's interesting that no one here has talked about the fertility question. I understand the love for her dog, but at the same time she isn't getting any younger. If this is the man she wants to marry, then perhaps if there is no other answer, she does need to decide between living without him (and future children) and living without her dog. I'm thinking there's got to be a family member between the two of them that would take the dog.
The woman wrote in her letter that she's willing to wait two years.
And the dog is nine years old, and his been with her since it was a puppy. It would be cruel to dump it with a new family now. To "dog people," it's not just a dog, it's a family member, not to mention, who wants a senior dog and the myriad of health issues that inevitably come along? It's heartbreaking to see older dogs sit in shelters, but most people who come in to adopt want younger dogs.
But he's 40 and doesn't want to wait 2 years. I don't blame him...especially when there is no guarantee that her dog will die in two years. I have seen this happen in my own family with cats. Someone in the family would take this dog...and then she could still see him/her. I think they could find a solutiion here if they both work on it....it's good practice for marriage.
The woman wrote in her letter that she's willing to wait two years.
And the dog is nine years old, and his been with her since it was a puppy. It would be cruel to dump it with a new family now. To "dog people," it's not just a dog, it's a family member, not to mention, who wants a senior dog and the myriad of health issues that inevitably come along? It's heartbreaking to see older dogs sit in shelters, but most people who come in to adopt want younger dogs.
But he's 40 and doesn't want to wait 2 years. I don't blame him...especially when there is no guarantee that her dog will die in two years. I have seen this happen in my own family with cats. Someone in the family would take this dog...and then she could still see him/her. I think they could find a solutiion here if they both work on it....it's good practice for marriage.
Then they should come to a decision that doesn't involve punishing the dog for doing nothing more than existing. I stand by my statement that it would be cruel to remove the dog from the only home and family it has known for its whole life.
I think the best thing they could do is break up. I'm certain this isn't a one-time issue. If she truly is a dog person, she will want another dog sometime after her cocker spaniel passes, and he won't.
Except that the dog WILL die eventually, he doesn't need to be responsible for it, and they won't have to get another one.
I feel like not wanting kids isn't always or even usually about "not being a baby person" or hating diapers, but it's those things, plus the drain on your time and resources, plus sometimes the fact that you don't want to reproduce with your DNA (in the case of severe genetic illness). Plus other things.
With dogs - it's basically that you don't like dogs, I'm assuming. It's a problem that fixes itself eventually.
But if this woman writes in that her dog was somehow accidentally poisoned after she gets married and has a kid, I guess people can call Prudence out for bad advice.
Sure the dog will eventually die, but will the woman be happy living the rest of her life never ever able to have another dog?
This was my thought when I read this. Because I wouldn't. And I would want my kids to have the experience of having the family dog as well.
Post by cookiemdough on Jun 19, 2012 8:22:34 GMT -5
At the risk of being flamed, as someone who never grew up with a family pet, I don't think I realized the strength of the bond people have with their pets until coming on here. So yes it is ridiculous for him to give the ultimatum, but he may not understand the implications of re-homing a pet. Imo she knows the bond, she knows the implications of what could happen emotionally to her dog if she gives him away and yet she chose to pursue this relationship. I just am having a hard time with him being the sole jerk in the situation while the woman who is a) waiting for her pet to die and b) chose to get involved with someone who was never going to really accept something that is supposedly a huge part of her life, gets to seem like the victim.
I always choose humans over animals, but I'm on team dog here.
I also give this woman a huge side eye. She says they rarely ever stay at her house, so what happens to the dog then? Does she leave it alone overnight?
My roommate's douchebag boyfriend has a dog but stays over at our place all the time, so his poor dog is home alone for at least 12 hours. Poor thing.
ETA: From the OP: "As such, he almost never comes to my place." So whether or not the dog is left alone is unclear. I still don't see how that works. If you have a dog, you should be spending time with it.
At the risk of being flamed, as someone who never grew up with a family pet, I don't think I realized the strength of the bond people have with their pets until coming on here. So yes it is ridiculous for him to give the ultimatum, but he may not understand the implications of re-homing a pet. Imo she knows the bond, she knows the implications of what could happen emotionally to her dog if she gives him away and yet she chose to pursue this relationship. I just am having a hard time with him being the sole jerk in the situation while the woman who is a) waiting for her pet to die and b) chose to get involved with someone who was never going to really accept something that is supposedly a huge part of her life, gets to seem like the victim.
I agree. I can also understand the POV of someone who isn't an animal lover and sees animals as animals rather than as "babies" and where this man would see her as putting her dog before him (which, she is - whether that's right or wrong...).
Also note that they've only been together 10 months...
They were both foolish for continuing a relationship if the dog is a dealbreaker and has been from the start. Her, for assuming he would warm up to the dog or the dog would pass before they got married, and him for assuming she would rehome her beloved dog.
I'm on Team Boyfriend, and I have two dogs of my own. She wants her boyfriend to stay with his life in limbo for a minimum of two years, maybe longer, while he waits for her dog to die, before she'll consent to marrying him. If this situation were reversed, if the man was telling her that he wouldn't get rid of his dog, and could they delay marriage until the dog dies of old age, we'd all tell her to DTMFA.
She's clearly sending her boyfriend the message that the dog is more important than having a life and a family with him. If he doesn't like dogs, he doesn't like dogs. He shouldn't have to live with an animal he hates just to be with her. If she's not willing to re-home the dog, then he needs to move on and find someone else. Expecting him to wait around for the dog to die of old age is just wrong.
I think he needs to tell her that it's him or the dog, and he's not willing to put his life on hold while they both wait for the dog to die... and then go find a woman who has no interest in owning a dog.
I think he needs to tell her that it's him or the dog, and he's not willing to put his life on hold while they both wait for the dog to die... and then go find a woman who has no interest in owning a dog.
I get that. I get that we all here have our own opinions based on how we thinkwe'd handle the situation. But as we also know, our own relationships are subject to many dynamics that couldn't and/or wouldn't be fully projected in the one side we're hearing in the OP's letter. As a result, I think it's terribly short sided to think we here know what should happen between these people. All we have is her side, as she presented it, in the forum in question. Sure, it makes great message board fodder - but that's only because people (like myself) on said message boards eat it up and then spew out their opinions with a laughable conviction. Like I just did.
I think he needs to tell her that it's him or the dog, and he's not willing to put his life on hold while they both wait for the dog to die... and then go find a woman who has no interest in owning a dog.
I get that. I get that we all here have our own opinions based on how we thinkwe'd handle the situation. But as we also know, our own relationships are subject to many dynamics that couldn't and/or wouldn't be fully projected in the one side we're hearing in the OP's letter. As a result, I think it's terribly short sided to think we here know what should happen between these people. All we have is her side, as she presented it, in the forum in question. Sure, it makes great message board fodder - but that's only because people (like myself) on said message boards eat it up and then spew out their opinions with a laughable conviction. Like I just did.
I have a friend who has a 4 inch scar on her upper lip from being attacked by a cocker spaniel as a child, so it's not out of the realm of possibility or common sense to be intimidated by that breed.
And I'm going to go ahead and pull the girl card and say she was thinking, "If this is true love, he can overcome his fear/allergies and I can have him and the dog."