Parents of well behaved children: book recs?

[sonrisa]

I read p. 1 of cville's post. While that wouldn't be us, I still think her behavior could be better. It reminded me that I need to crack down more. Give me your tips for not raising a brat. We aren't there now. I don't want things going downhill until we are.

Edit: I changed the title from "disciplinarian parents" to get more traction. You know your kid is great. Help mine be.

[eb777888]

123 Magic is awesome. I rented the DVD from the library and never read the book.

I like that it's effective without me having to raise my voice.

[sonrisa]

We do 123 magic and I like it. It works well for stop behaviors. I need something to help with start behaviors or the "get the hell moving" moments. That is where we sometimes struggle. She's getting bigger and so am I. I can't just pick her up and carry her out anymore.

[daisyheadmaizie]

Aug 13, 2013 21:34:05 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

We do 123 magic and I like it. It works for stop behaviors but I need something to help with start behaviors or the "get the hell moving" moments. That is where we sometimes struggle. She's getting bigger and so am I. I can't just pick her up and get her out of someplace anymore.

Do you give her a warning before leaving places or needing to do something? This works for us 95% of the time. "Addison, we are leaving in 5 minutes." "One minute, final warning, we are leaving soon." I do this at the pool, playground, dance, etc. I also use this technique for time to clean up, bedtime, before we need to leave the house, meal times, etc. it helps her prepare to transition. 

Edited: sorry, that wasn't a book rec. obviously my reading comprehension is shit. Lol

[eb777888]

Oh, I see. David moves sssssslow, too. And he never wants to leave anywhere. I agree about the warning so he knows how much longer he has. We use this in a lot of areas.

[sonrisa]

An example of her bratty behavior:

Background - I try to answer her questions. Foster curiosity, help her understand her world, etc. etc. She's two and has a million questions. Fair enough. But when she wants to stall doing something, she'll start asking fake questions.

"Please help mama pick up the legos and put them in the box."

"What are legos, mama?"
"What is pick up, mama?"
"What is the box, mama?"
And on, and on and on... Repeating the same questions again and again.

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don't want want to stop legitimate questions, but she also needs to follow simple instructions without making me insane.

[sonrisa]

Aug 13, 2013 21:37:55 GMT -5 daisyheadmaizie said:

Aug 13, 2013 21:34:05 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

We do 123 magic and I like it. It works for stop behaviors but I need something to help with start behaviors or the "get the hell moving" moments. That is where we sometimes struggle. She's getting bigger and so am I. I can't just pick her up and get her out of someplace anymore.

Do you give her a warning before leaving places or needing to do something? This works for us 95% of the time. "Addison, we are leaving in 5 minutes." "One minute, final warning, we are leaving soon." I do this at the pool, playground, dance, etc. I also use this technique for time to clean up, bedtime, before we need to leave the house, meal times, etc. it helps her prepare to transition. 

Edited: sorry, that wasn't a book rec. obviously my reading comprehension is shit. Lol

You know, I do, but not often enough and often only once I'm anticipating a problem.  (We set a clock for bedtime every night, but that is the only strict ritual). I need to be more consistent with this. Good point.  

I don't need a book rec if I can get good reminders like this right here.

[game blouses]

LOL, I feel bad but those questions are really cute! My DS is only 13 months so I'm sure it'll bite me in the ass soon.

We like "How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen so Children Will Talk." I think there's some applicable stuff for younger kids in there.

[daisyheadmaizie]

Aug 13, 2013 21:51:44 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

An example of bratty behavior:

Background - I try to answer her questions. She's two and has a million questions. Fair enough. But when she wants to stall doing something, she'll start asking questions to stall.

"Please help mama pick up the legos and put them in the box."

"What are legos mama?"
"What is pick up mama?"
"What is the box, mama?"

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don't want want to stop legitimate questions, but she also needs to follow simple instructions without making me insane.

"It is time to clean up now. When you are finished, I will be happy to answer your questions." And, I just flat out ignore the what is pick up or similar questions. 

[sonrisa]

Aug 13, 2013 21:55:59 GMT -5 daisyheadmaizie said:

Aug 13, 2013 21:51:44 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

An example of bratty behavior:

Background - I try to answer her questions. She's two and has a million questions. Fair enough. But when she wants to stall doing something, she'll start asking questions to stall.

"Please help mama pick up the legos and put them in the box."

"What are legos mama?"
"What is pick up mama?"
"What is the box, mama?"

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don't want want to stop legitimate questions, but she also needs to follow simple instructions without making me insane.

"It is time to clean up now. When you are finished, I will be happy to answer your questions." And, I just flat out ignore the what is pick up or similar questions. 

That is where I'm at. So far it's a stalemate with my dwindling sanity. 

[sonrisa]

Any other thoughts? I really need a kick in the ass here.

[HiC]

I have no book recs, it's just a look that I give. She sees it even when she's not looking at me.

[marshmallowhands]

I really like Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2013 22:28:11 GMT -5 HiC said:

I have no book recs, it's just a look that I give. She sees it even when she's not looking at me.

I've definitely perfected The Look.  LOL

[sonrisa]

Aug 13, 2013 22:28:11 GMT -5 HiC said:

I have no book recs, it's just a look that I give. She sees it even when she's not looking at me.

I need to work on my look. Right now she just laughs at me and acts up more when I try my "stern face"

I fail. 

[daisyheadmaizie]

Aug 13, 2013 21:58:46 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Aug 13, 2013 21:55:59 GMT -5 daisyheadmaizie said:

"It is time to clean up now. When you are finished, I will be happy to answer your questions." And, I just flat out ignore the what is pick up or similar questions. 

That is where I'm at. So far it's a stalemate with my dwindling sanity. 

Haha. The good news is I am still fairly sane and my DD is almost 6. She is the most inquisitive kid ever. The questions never stop, and she is so good at stale tactics. "Mommy, do you want me to rub your back?" is her new favorite trick. Lol

it gets easier as they get older and more independent. Forced choices (123 Magic), giving warnings before changes, and consistency will get you a long way. Also, as counter intuitive as it sounds, letting some of the little stuff go and picking your battles is huge. You want to save up your energy for the big, important things. Oh, and teaching your kid to play by the self is a huge sanity saver, especially for me. I need that down time. 

[sonrisa]

Oh yeah, I use a ton of forced choices and put as much at her discretion and responsibility as I can. "Here are two outfits. Pick one and put it on while I'm in the shower" works so much better than trying to dress her. Something is usually backwards or inside out. I don't give a damn as long as we make it out the door quickly and without any fuss.

[angelaa73]

Aug 13, 2013 22:28:11 GMT -5 HiC said:

I have no book recs, it's just a look that I give. She sees it even when she's not looking at me.

These looks move mountains!

[sonrisa]

Aug 14, 2013 0:21:40 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

Funny thing. My OB said the very same thing at my appointment today.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Aug 13, 2013 22:45:28 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Aug 13, 2013 22:28:11 GMT -5 HiC said:

I have no book recs, it's just a look that I give. She sees it even when she's not looking at me.

I need to work on my look. Right now she just laughs at me and acts up more when I try my "stern face"

I fail. 

Sometimes Lucy does this so I continue to look. And look. And look. And she will realize I'm serious. Eye contact is so great for unnerving people! I do it to talkers in class, too. I can't stand the sound of my yelling voice. 

[Deleted]

The two best parenting books I highly recommend are 1-2-3 Magic (already mentioned) and Love & Logic. Excellent books and both techniques can be use simultaneously.

When your kid is stalling to pick up the legos I would go the Love & Logic route and give her a choice of two things..... Usually they like to choose and this can help start the behavior you are looking for. Good luck! Parenting is definitely the hardest job in the word.

[mrsukyankee]

I teach a parenting course using the book Positive Discipline. There are a bunch of them but the base book is a good start. You can get books for all ages and even for marriage/corporation. It's based on Adlerian psychology and is a way of parenting that looks at what sort of person you want your child to be at 25. It's amazing and even the parents who come in thinking it's going to be shit really end up loving it. There are workshops for it all over the States and it's growing in Europe.

[auntie]

Aug 13, 2013 21:51:44 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

An example of her bratty behavior:

Background - I try to answer her questions. Foster curiosity, help her understand her world, etc. etc. She's two and has a million questions. Fair enough. But when she wants to stall doing something, she'll start asking fake questions.

"Please help mama pick up the legos and put them in the box."

"What are legos, mama?"
"What is pick up, mama?"
"What is the box, mama?"
And on, and on and on... Repeating the same questions again and again.

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don't want want to stop legitimate questions, but she also needs to follow simple instructions without making me insane.

One approach to that is to ask her what she thinks they are.

Another is to explain one time by demonstrating and leaving her to complete the task alone.

A third is to complete the task, and put the toys into timeout because she isn't old enough to play with them if she can't participate in cleaning up.

It can really help to clean one mess before starting another with this kind of kiddo.

[meganew]

Ollie's only 2, but giving him warnings helps. Also I've found that telling him to say bye to the park/pool/wherever really helps for some reason. Like, "Ok, your two minutes is up! Time to go home- say bye bye park, see you later!"!ans he'll usually do it and hop in the stroller. If I just try to put him in the stroller? Meltdown.

For my older students its about giving them choices but still getting them to do what you want. "Your choices are to stop talking on rug, or go take a seat at your desk until you're ready. Which would you like?" Seems to work.

[jgb]

I read 1-2-3 Magic and Love & Logic and tried hard to follow their advice. I had a difficult time getting them to stick, either with my consistency or my 5 year old.

About six months ago, a friend of mine lent me John Rosemond's book. It's very conservative and many describe it as old-fashioned. But, that style has ended up working better for us. Basically, there are no 2nd and 3rd chances or warnings like 1-2-3 Magic, and there's not a whole lot of negotiation with your child. Mom and Dad are the boss, and if we ask you to do something, you're expected to do it. We don't need to justify our requests/demands. I'm not nearly as strict as he suggests though - I do short time outs, and take away toys or limit his playtime for consequences. It is so much more peaceful in our home. We don't yell or get nearly as frustrated as we used to with his behavior and our constantly having to repeat ourselves.

[TheSeaward]

Positive Parenting with a Plan (Grades K-12): F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules

this has done wonders for our kids

[Deleted]

Love and Logic

[mushmouse]

Aug 13, 2013 21:51:44 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

An example of her bratty behavior:

Background - I try to answer her questions. Foster curiosity, help her understand her world, etc. etc. She's two and has a million questions. Fair enough. But when she wants to stall doing something, she'll start asking fake questions.

"Please help mama pick up the legos and put them in the box."

"What are legos, mama?"
"What is pick up, mama?"
"What is the box, mama?"
And on, and on and on... Repeating the same questions again and again.

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don't want want to stop legitimate questions, but she also needs to follow simple instructions without making me insane.

My son has just started this.  I say "I know what you're trying to do and it isn't going to work.  Just pick up the legos (or whatever he's avoiding or stalling)".  It's working so far.

Just read other responses.  And we also have success with 2 choices when he's slow or doesn't really want to do something.  But with the nonsense questions that are clearly fake, or before bed nonsense that's clearly fake the above is working.

[spedrunner]

as a teacher, I find a lot of resistance with my students bc they are struggling and looking for independence, that mixed with behavioral, emotional, physical disabilities i have little monsters at times

I find lots of positive praise for GOOD behavior, ignoring the negative stuff (no matter how irritated and frustrated you get), and offering choices is a great start.  Also, reward GOOD behavior immediately!  "Wow I love how you used the potty today all by yourself!  Would you like to play on the Ipad for a few minutes? "  etc

What is the actual problem behaviors?? I find First/Then to work wonders (First eat your peas, THEN you can have an ice cream, etc)

I dont have any specific book rec's but Ill ask around

[hulley]

I don't remember any particular books (DD is 14 now), but what helped me was consistent rules/expectations, forewarning (at the park: 1 more thing, then we are leaving) and forced choices (you can choose apples or pretzels).