Post by copzgirl1171 on Jun 19, 2012 12:33:05 GMT -5
SallyJ, that is exactly what my mother has told me. She HAS to love my other sister more because I don't need her (my mother) as much. She used the same analogy when discussing why my kids (her grandkids) don't get the same attention as the others. My kids have a loving stable home life...they don't need her as much.
I swear it felt like getting gut punched.
I always knew I wasn't my mothers favorite but to include my kids?? How hurtful is that?
Post by basilosaurus on Jun 19, 2012 12:56:41 GMT -5
I honestly can't figure a favorite. I was certainly the more challenging kid, but I never thought my dad loved me less bc of it. I think he likes me a bit more as an adult bc we just get each other better, but I still wouldn't say that's favoring me. My family is fair to a fault.
I won't hold it against my mom that my teenage years were hell on both of us. She was at fault for a lot of it, and I'm sure she often wished my sister was an only child, but it really is all in the past.
My brother is my mother's favorite and I think I am my father's but he hides it much better than she. I have quite a few issues with my mother and its very hard not to dredge them all up when she wonders why I moved away. I will never get an apology so I do not want to talk about it. I am expecting my divorce to be held over my head for quite a while and I am prepared to cut her out if need be. One of the reasons I always said I didnt want to have children was because of my relationship with my mother and I remember telling her this at a very young age.
Some of these favoritism stories are ridiculous. I hope a few of you are re-fucking-lentless on the guilt trip on your douchey parents, that's all I can say.
Seriously.
Somehow my parents did a good job not making it obvious who the favorite was out of the 4 of us. At the same time, we all saw how we could be "the favorite" - my brother is the oldest and only boy, I'm the oldest girl and did the best in school, younger sister #1 is the outgoing and fun one and my parents enjoyed her personality, and younger sister #2 is the spoiled baby of the bunch. I think I was the favorite of my grandparents though because of the school thing. I don't see us being affected by any of this though.
H is the oldest of 5 and his parents did a great job too. They do joke a lot even today about who the favorite is, but they're all so different from each other and you could make the case for each of them being "the favorite." They've determined it's the youngest of the 5 since he's in the Marines and just returned from his second tour in Afghanistan. The rest of the siblings are fine with him being the favorite now lol.
What I can't understand is parents giving kids blatantly and dramatically unequal monetary gifts. Money is such a sensitive thing among family members and it could easily become something that causes major sibling rivalry, or is at least representative of that rivalry.
My youngest brother is my mom's favorite, much like nuggetbrain said. Very similar situation b/c he's now 27, coddled to hell and back and almost completely worthless as an adult. It makes me glad that I wasn't the favorite, lol.
My mom always made excuses for him or talked him up. I'm not sure if it was because he was the youngest, or she just liked him best, or what. But it was annoying and obvious. It affected me a lot less than my other brother b/c they were only 1Y apart in school and barely 22m apart in age. I was 4Y older than the youngest and 3Y ahead of my other brother in school, so I was more removed from the situation. I also think it affected me a lot less b/c I was the only girl on both sides of my family until I was 11. I was pretty spoiled and indulged, plus I got a lot of attention and love from my maternal grandparents and one of my aunts.
My mom is also a totally sexist, chauvinistic douche, so she would do things like pay for my youngest brother's tennis lessons b/c he was a "natural athlete" but would make me pay for my own b/c why was I even doing it anyway? I wasn't athletic. Um, yeah. She'd pay thousands for my brothers' sport equipment/lessons/leagues, but when it came to me - nope.
That said, they did pay for my college and didn't pay for my youngest brother's. Of course, it was turned around on me b/c I got to go away to college and they paid for it b/c at the time they could afford it, but when it came to my youngest brother, my mom's business was failing and they couldn't send him away and fund it. Never mind the fact that he didn't get into college anywhere but locally and then he failed out of that... which is the real reason they didn't pay for his college, not financial reasons. ETA: Also, I met the goals they set for them to pay for college - maintained above a 3.5 GPA in high school and a 3.0 each semester in college. My brother barely graduated high school, but according to my mom, I'm the spoiled bitch who got to go away to school. Never mind the fact that I earned it.
I have a lot less bitterness than my other brother, but I don't have a high opinion of my parents. I don't remind them about the shit they did, b/c it's not worth the fight. But I'm distant from them. I don't care too much about them. And that might make me an asshole, but I'm okay with that. I know that as they age, and need care, it won't be me signing up to help. And I don't feel guilty in the least.
I'm fairly certain I was my maternal grandmother's favorite out of the 13 or so grandkids (SCORE!), but my paternal grandmother made it quite clear that I wasn't wanted on her side by telling me when I was five that my real father was going to come kidnap me and I would never see anyone I love again. Yeah...those scars can run pretty deep.
WTF? What kind of terrible, thoughtless, mean ass person says that to a child?
Post by hopecounts on Jun 19, 2012 13:56:36 GMT -5
I have no idea who my Mom's favorite is, she always made it clear that she valued each of us and made a point of spending equal time one on one with each of us every weekend and making each of us feel important and valued. In some ways I'm closer to her because I had health issues growing up and so we spent time getting to, at, and after dr. 's appointments and hospitals.
Dad probably "favors" my oldest brother but that's not exactly a good thing so it doesn't bother me.
I used to worry a lot about favoring one over the other. But then a few months go by and I worry about favoring the other one. Because the one I "relate to" or the one I find easier is constantly changing. I'm sure it would be different if my kids are different ages b/c there would always be different dynamics to balance. My parents favored my younger sister and I don't want to be like that, so I do worry about this. My DS2 is far more cuddley and fun/silly than DS1, and I have to make a conscious effort to pay more attention to DS1, who is pretty independent. So I usually worry during the day that I'm favoring DS1. But then DS2 will sleep like crap and be a crabby mess, ruining a fun event I planned and I worry that it's obvious how much I'm favoring DS1.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jun 19, 2012 15:04:20 GMT -5
My parents worked really hard on there not being a favorite because my grandparents had royally screwed up my parents for favoritism. My mom especially.
That being said, my brother gravitated toward my mom because their personalities and interests aligned and I gravitated towards my dad for similar reasons.
They were big on being equal though, and still are. I get something, he gets something, and vice versa.
My mother had me when she was 17. She then had my little sister when I was 17 and about to graduate high school. By the time she had my sister she was married to a nice man with a nice house and they made good money.
I have stories for dayyysssss about how much my little sister is favored over me. Still to this day she is.
My mom decided during my senior year, after I had been accepted to college that she could not pay for my school anymore because the baby was on the way and she wanted to be a SAHM.
So not only was my childhood poor and shitty. But my college experience was as well, even though they could have had the money to help. ( I know they were not obligated too, but they had originally told me they would).
Now even, I am a grown adult with kids of my own and my little sister is constantly being favored over myself and my kid. I get to see my mom pay $$$ for little sis's ballet and having annual passes to Disney and I remember staying at grandmas and eating macaroni for dinner at her age. To top it off, my little sis is the brattiest most entitled kid I have ever met. I hope one day we can have a relationship, but damn it is hard.
When I talk to family, they all mention how different she treats kid # 2 compared to how she treated me. I would like to gove her a break on it, cause she was so young when she had me, but she was not young when she had my sister, and that is when shit got bad for me from her. So really, there is no excuse.
I can't really say if my mother has a favorite. We weren't treated exactly equal, but I really don't feel one of us got a better deal than the other. I think the fact that we were 5 years apart and different sexes gave my mom plenty of reasons for why things weren't 100% equal. There were no major differences like college funds or giant gifts so most of our complaints revolve around who had a later curfew and who got away with the most bs.
DH is clearly the favorite and it has affected my BIL in a bad way. It has also made DH over protective of BIL which I think stems from guilt about being the favorite. When you meet MIL, she raves about how special and smart her baby boy is (DH), then she's like and my older son is nice too. It's actually uncomfortable to be around.