Wedding money usage etiquette?

[ninjatofu]

So I think I'm obsessing (I shall again shamelessly blame the drugs), but this post on the nest is really irking me:

community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66696674.aspx

mainly because of this:

4) I took a trip with a friend, and she thinks I'm selfish for that. We split a tiny portion of wedding money we got, and each did what we wan with it. My husband bought some stuff, I took a trip. Simple, yet she didn't like it and still complains.

I think that's weird. Wedding money is for the couple, not for one half of the couple to go on a holiday with a friend.

What says IN?

[bugabean]

I think it's weirder than her MIL cares about that six years later. The money was a gift, and that's what the recipients decided to do with it. If her DH is cool with it, then I can't get worked up about it.

[popcorn]

My take on it is that a monetary gift is a gift for the couple to use as they see fit. Doesn't matter to me if they spend it on a new cofee table, a vacation together, or split it and use it on whatever they want.

We used some of our wedding money on a new laptop for me since mine was pooped and clothes for H. We also used some during our honeymoon and saved the rest for later use. I should add we got almost exclusively monetary gifts as is customary in Spain and had a rather large chunk left over after paying the wedding with it.

I also think it's odd that the MIL is holding this against her years later. It's just not that big of a deal unless we're missing key details like the woman went on a trip with an ex-lover, gambled all their money away on the trip, or something else equally strange/bad happened.

[ninjatofu]

I still think it is strange. A new laptop for you seems fine to me, and very different than a trip with someone other than your spouse. It's like, a laptop for you is something for your new family. A trip for you with your BFF isn't, and not what the money was for.

I think the majority of the MIL's complaints seem to be money driven, which leads me to believe that the girl is giving her MIL a reason to think these things.

How would anyone know that she spent wedding gift money on a trip with her friend? That is strange as well to me. Why tell anyone? Unless something happened that she's omitting that caused enough of a rift to still talk about it 6 years later.

I still think it's strange.

Like, if DH's aunt walked up to me and was like hey Tofu, here's a little something for your wedding, congratulations, and I opened it and was like Thanks! Hey, bridesmaid! I just got 20 bucks, let's go for manicures together! The aunt would be all like hey...

[Wanderista]

I read a lot of advice columns for fun, mainly as a de-stresser while working. I find it makes me more productive, depending on the task. MIL issues are one of the top hot button areas. Honestly, when I broke up with the American that I dated before starting up with SO, a large factor (though not the only one) was that I did not feel comfortable with his mom as my MIL. She was way too clingy, overly involved in our issues (with his willing consent), and when she dropped racial slurs I was out the door. I'm much happier now.

This woman may well just have an MIL who doesn't like her. Some mothers get weird about their sons and DILs. This girl mentions that the guy has sisters and that the MIL likes their partners and also she resents the couple making a possible move to Canada. It does sound like the MIL is overly involved in their business and has a desire to be controlling. What's it to her if this person is a full-time student? That said, as far as wedding money goes, it is weird to spend wedding money on a trip with someone else even a female friend. However, if the DH is ok with it, that's what's important. I agree that if I were the money giver in this case though, I might be less inclined to give anymore money to these people.

[mrsukyankee]

My DH would be fine with us suspending the wedding money any way we wanted. We got some and we put most in the bank, but some went to each of our personal fun accounts to use as we wished. So in some ways I did use the money meant for "us" for just me. As did my DH. No biggie.

[GilliC]

I don't think the MIL is holding it against her years later, because they've only been married one year. They've been together for six years, but I assume the wedding money was given close to the wedding, so around one year ago.

As for how they spent it? Am I the only one who thinks it's weird just to say they "split some of the wedding money." Did they keep all their wedding gift money in a separate account or something? We just put all our wedding money into our normal account. I suppose when I traveled home for a wedding a few months later I was spending part of our wedding money! Quelle horreur! Of course, my salary went into that account too, so I don't know exactly which dollars of the withdrawal came from which original sources.

Otherwise, one would have to assume that she only took the trip based on the additional budget they received in wedding money. In that case, I'm going to give the side-eye to the girlfriend trip in general! If their budget is so tight she wouldn't have been able to afford the trip without that money, maybe the wedding money should have gone into an emergency fund or savings plan.

She also didn't mention where she went or how much she spent. Maybe MIL was actually just upset that she spent $5000 on a trip to Tahiti without her new husband.

[clogged]

A gift is something given freely. Once given, it's out of your hands. MIL has no right to make demands on how it was spent.

I think mst of this is on the poster's head though. Most of her problems would go away if she just shut her mouth. "Thank you for the generous monetary gift, MIL." Done. Why tell her where or how it was spent? She was with her H for 5 years to this point- she knew EXACTLY what kind of woman her MIL was. She invited that drama in. Hell, she gave it a ticker tape parade to welcome it on in.

[frlcb]

I have no issues with how the spent it, as long as the bride and groom agree with each other.

[clickerish]

Do I find it bizarre? Yes. Do I think that giving a gift means you no longer get to make judgements about how it's spent? Yes. Do I think you should tell your MIL you used money from the wedding to go with a friend when you probably already know your MIL is judgmental? No. Should you marry a man who can't tell his mother to not bother his new wife? No.

Bad decision making all around.

[Deleted]

No issues here either. Like frlcb said, as long as they both agree. When you give cash you don't get a say in how it is spent.

[anna7602]

I think it's up to the couple to use their wedding money however they please and a vacation actually sounds more fun to me than using the money to pay off catering bills. That said, I agree with some of the pps that it sounds like there's a lot more to the story. As someone rightly pointed out, if money is so tight that she couldn't have afforded a get away without wedding money, then maybe she has a general spending issue or issue with priorities or something along those lines. Maybe what her MIL was saying was "you should have put that money towards your bills since you're in school FT or towards your tuition or towards x, y or z."

You should cross-post this on Money Matters and see what they have to say. I'm genuinely interested.

[clickerish]

Money Matters will want to know if they have any debt, if they have a savings plan and if they have already paid off their mortgage.

Although, on looking at it more closely, I think the MIL has issues. She thinks the Canadian is marrying the American for...a green card.

[dulcemariamar]

I agree with the other posters. I dont care how people spend the money once I give it to them. I think a trip sounds fun even if it is with a friend.

[Deleted]

Jun 22, 2012 14:24:32 GMT -5 @cheshire said:

No issues here either. Like frlcb said, as long as they both agree. When you give cash you don't get a say in how it is spent.

I completely agree with this too.

[ExpatFamily06]

Jun 22, 2012 12:54:47 GMT -5 frlcb said:

I have no issues with how the spent it, as long as the bride and groom agree with each other.

Agreed!

[Waffles]

Jun 22, 2012 14:24:32 GMT -5 @cheshire said:

No issues here either. Like frlcb said, as long as they both agree. When you give cash you don't get a say in how it is spent.

Totally agree.

[ninjatofu]

Good to know. I have officially learned my lesson. I will stick to giving out blenders as wedding gifts. With no gift receipt, just to be evil about it.

Mwah ha ha ha ha ha.

[tktravels]

Money is my gift of choice (unless I know the couple really, really wants something more personal), and I definitely give it without care or judgment of what they may spend it on. It's not my business, and it really irks me when people have some sort of expectation as to how you will use the money.

For example, SIL gave us a sweet card and a check for our wedding present, and the expectation that we would use the money to purchase a nice patio furniture set and/or a barbecue. That's nice and all, but at the time, we had no patio and were about to move to another continent. And she had the nerve to ask what we did with her money (which went into our investment account).

[ninjatofu]

See, I don't find that nervy that she asked you what you spent the money on, especially as she had somehow specified that it was to go toward a BBQ or patio set. My view on giving money at weddings in lieu of a gift is that you do it so that the couple can pick out something that they want and not end up with 4 nacho platters of varying hideousness. I don't view it as just giving them money that they can add to the pile.

I think it's sweet that she gave you money to put toward buying a patio set. Granted, you don't have a patio and are moving overseas, but she probably figured you would use the money she gave to buy something similar for your new home overseas. Her asking about it is a bit odd, but I'm not sure it's necessarily nervvy.

But clearly I view these things very differently than everyone else.

Also, I would have lied to her and told her that I bought a really, really nice blender and think about her every time I pop some rum into my smoothies.

[Deleted]

I don't see it as nervy to ask what you bought with it. I have people ask what I bought with the money and it is mainly because they want to make sure that you enjoyed your present. I view it the same as a person who buys me a trip to new york and asks me how my trip was.

[tktravels]

I guess I always view money given as a wedding gift as money towards their life together, and not necessarily for stuff, especially stuff that the giver gets to choose for them.

I mention the stuff because DH & I like to keep things as streamlined as possible. When we were still living in the US, it was in a 386 sq ft one room condo.. with not lots of stuff. And we move a lot (i.e., I've moved 16 times in the last 10 years). A patio set or barbecue may be nice, especially for folks less transient than us, but it doesn't match our lifestyle at all.

I suppose I was annoyed by her asking because I don't ask what others do with money/gifts (it seems rude to me), and because of the way she asked. She can get very snotty about things and is difficult to tolerate at times, and she was in full force that day.

Anyway, not trying to thread jack here. I feel like if I give money as a gift, it's for the couple to decide how to use it.

[frlcb]

Jun 28, 2012 13:53:15 GMT -5 tktravels said:

I guess I always view money given as a wedding gift as money towards their life together, and not necessarily for stuff, especially stuff that the giver gets to choose for them.

I mention the stuff because DH & I like to keep things as streamlined as possible. When we were still living in the US, it was in a 386 sq ft one room condo.. with not lots of stuff. And we move a lot (i.e., I've moved 16 times in the last 10 years). A patio set or barbecue may be nice, especially for folks less transient than us, but it doesn't match our lifestyle at all.

I suppose I was annoyed by her asking because I don't ask what others do with money/gifts (it seems rude to me), and because of the way she asked. She can get very snotty about things and is difficult to tolerate at times, and she was in full force that day.

Anyway, not trying to thread jack here. I feel like if I give money as a gift, it's for the couple to decide how to use it.

I totally agree with all of this. Once you give a gift, whether it is monetary or tangible, you shouldn't follow up to ask how it is being used. That seems weird to me.

[Deleted]

I agree with frlcb. The only exception might be if you gave them gift vouchers to a particular store, you might ask if they were able to find something they liked, but I personally wouldn't ask. We got lots of vouchers for John Lewis department store and no one asked. We mostly put the vouchers together to buy large items that we would never have put on a registry.

[clickerish]

Jun 28, 2012 11:36:05 GMT -5 ninjatofu said:

Also, I would have lied to her and told her that I bought a really, really nice blender and think about her every time I pop some rum into my smoothies.

This!!! I did it without shame on my wedding. We did not need a rowboat (no, seriously, that was the designation). We did need other things. So, we informed them we had really thought about the rowboat but decided we needed kitchen stuff more. We did not, but where were we going to put a rowboat?

[Deleted]

Jun 28, 2012 15:55:46 GMT -5 @cheshire said:

I agree with frlcb. The only exception might be if you gave them gift vouchers to a particular store, you might ask if they were able to find something they liked, but I personally wouldn't ask. We got lots of vouchers for John Lewis department store and no one asked. We mostly put the vouchers together to buy large items that we would never have put on a registry.

I agree with her too.

[crimsonandclover]

Jun 28, 2012 11:36:05 GMT -5 ninjatofu said:

See, I don't find that nervy that she asked you what you spent the money on, especially as she had somehow specified that it was to go toward a BBQ or patio set. My view on giving money at weddings in lieu of a gift is that you do it so that the couple can pick out something that they want and not end up with 4 nacho platters of varying hideousness. I don't view it as just giving them money that they can add to the pile.

I think it's sweet that she gave you money to put toward buying a patio set. Granted, you don't have a patio and are moving overseas, but she probably figured you would use the money she gave to buy something similar for your new home overseas. Her asking about it is a bit odd, but I'm not sure it's necessarily nervvy.

But clearly I view these things very differently than everyone else.

Also, I would have lied to her and told her that I bought a really, really nice blender and think about her every time I pop some rum into my smoothies.

Tofu, I think I'm with you on this. The point of money is that they get something they like and not to add it to their retirement fund. Spending it on a vacation alone I also find a little strange, since it was intended as a gift to the couple.

Maybe that's why I never ask how the money I gave as a present was spent - no getting upset about it that way :-)

And since our situation was complicated, we specifically asked people to give us small, lightweight things (that could travel easily) or money with a designation for what they wanted us to buy. When we settled down in one country or another, we would then respect their wishes and buy a toaster appropriate for Germany or the US, depending on where we were. Almost no one put a designation on it, just gave us cash. And then there was my aunt, who got us a giant, heavy roasting pan. But that's a story for another day.

[americaninoz]

We got mostly money and I wrote in our thankyous what we spent it on, I just wrote things like thanks we took a helicopter trip on our honeymoon, may be a regional thing but I think most people did want to know how we spent it, although I'm not sure exactly what we spent each monetary gift on, but just wanted to write something in the cards

[frlcb]

Jun 29, 2012 15:35:20 GMT -5 crimsonandclover said:

Jun 28, 2012 11:36:05 GMT -5 ninjatofu said:

See, I don't find that nervy that she asked you what you spent the money on, especially as she had somehow specified that it was to go toward a BBQ or patio set. My view on giving money at weddings in lieu of a gift is that you do it so that the couple can pick out something that they want and not end up with 4 nacho platters of varying hideousness. I don't view it as just giving them money that they can add to the pile.

I think it's sweet that she gave you money to put toward buying a patio set. Granted, you don't have a patio and are moving overseas, but she probably figured you would use the money she gave to buy something similar for your new home overseas. Her asking about it is a bit odd, but I'm not sure it's necessarily nervvy.

But clearly I view these things very differently than everyone else.

Also, I would have lied to her and told her that I bought a really, really nice blender and think about her every time I pop some rum into my smoothies.

Tofu, I think I'm with you on this. The point of money is that they get something they like and not to add it to their retirement fund. Spending it on a vacation alone I also find a little strange, since it was intended as a gift to the couple.

But see, the point of a gift is that the person who receives it can do whatever they want with it. If it is adding it to their retirement fund, their choice. If it is going on a vacation alone? Their choice. Once it leaves your hand you can't dictate how it is spent.

[bugabean]

I agree. You can think it's weird all day long, but it's not yours anymore. You gave it to them, so it was theirs and what to do with it became their choice. It would be out of line if she never told him about the money and she went and spent it on something without telling him, but they decided as a couple to split the money they way they did. If you give them a picture frame and she puts it on her desk at work, will you be pissed because it was a gift to both of them, but now her husband can't enjoy it?