Post by Stingyshark on Oct 23, 2013 12:09:46 GMT -5
I got my ass beat on the regular. It was not effective at all. Nothing was; I was just bad at home (i was an angel in school).
Now that I'm about to have my own kid, I don't think I could spank her. Obviously there are better ways to discipline and get your point across with out causing physical pain.
I often think that two of my nieces need their asses beat, but really they just need their Mom/Dad to follow through with a punishment, not really to be spanked.
I will say that my brother and I were spanked, and because we fought so much, I recall getting spanked a lot. The plastic kitchen spoon hurt the worst, but I know we did the pre-spank crying more than the post spank crying. and there were times that we got spanked for the same thing mulitple times in a day. I am not sure how effective it was.
I did fear my father a bit growing up, but he also became my measuring stick, the person I wanted to model my achievements after, someone I respect and look up to. And my mom is one of my best friends. So what ever they did worked.
I think when we have kids, I will be more of the taking away all of their toys...or finding out what ever their "currency" is and taking that away from them as punishment. I am sure there will be times they may get spanked, but I will take things as they come
I'll also say that while spanking was effective for me, it wasn't effective at all for their "naughty" child, my brother. He would, no joke, laugh. He gave zero fucks about spanking. I do remember, though, that when he was getting spanking I would cry FOR HIM hysterically because I hated the idea of it so much. I didn't want him to be hurt (even if he didn't care.) Thinking about this after my original post bothers me .
I'm scared to spank my kids. I already feel like I walk a fine line (like most adults who were abused as children do) and I don't want to see what the other side looks like.
We don't spank, but my next youngest brother and I were spanked a few times. My mom changed her mind for the younger three kids though. I don't really have any negative memories/thoughts about it. It wasn't like a beating. A quick swat on a clothed bottom. I will not do it, but I don't feel it affected my brother or me much one way or the other. Maybe because it was rare.
I don't understand why children need to be afraid of their parents. I'm honestly asking, why?
I never feared my parents, but I respected them. They led by example. *Especially* now that I'm a parent I see how hard that is, and I respect them even more.
I don't think children need to fear their parents per se; but they do need to fear consequence, and parents are the stewards of consequence. When I was little, I wasn't afraid of my father, but I was afraid of him yelling. I wasn't afraid of my mother, but I lived in mortal terror of disappointing her.
I agree with this.
On the flip side, I feel like I'm failing when I yell, but not when I spank. Probably because I spank when my inner dialogue is "Quick. I need a consequence to curb this behavior" and when I yell it's more like "fuck you fuck this fuck everything why did I have you fuckerrrrrs!" Inside my brain.
I think loss of control when disciplining is the problem, not necessarily the method itself.
My parents didn't know the difference between "spanking" and abuse. My therapist gets $80 a week as a result. Sure, some kids turn out fine. Many DONT. It is not an effective form of punishment.
My H says that when we have kids he will be spanking them. He was raised that way and he turned out ok but I still don't want to spank. I've heard lots of bad things that come out of it. H says we shouldn't have kids if we can't agree on spanking them. I'm like, Really? out of all the new techniques, hitting them is your go-to? I feel we may need counseling on this or a serious come to Jesus talk about this. H is a country boy and is a bit old fashioned even for as young as we are but I cannot fathom spanking my children. I was spanked to but I remember it not really working. I remember my parents disappointment being enough to keep me out of trouble. I just don't know how to reason with H and tell him that spanking is not an option.
I would be fine to do away with all 'spanking' as long as other punishments were just as harsh w/o being physical. I believe children need to have a healthy fear of their parents. If you can achieve that w/o physically touching your child, I'm all for it. (that's not sarcasm)
Why? Why should I have fear of my parents? How about respect? Understanding? And even better, mutual respect that I'm a human being who deserves that too? Do I need to learn that fear is appropriate? Yay, what a lesson. Fear is a good thing to get from other people who are 'below you'. Sorry, but that's not what I'd want my kids to learn. I'd rather they learn skills about interacting in a positive way with adults, that they learn self-discipline, that they learn many other things but NOT fear.
I would be fine to do away with all 'spanking' as long as other punishments were just as harsh w/o being physical. I believe children need to have a healthy fear of their parents. If you can achieve that w/o physically touching your child, I'm all for it. (that's not sarcasm)
Why? Why should I have fear of my parents? How about respect? Understanding? And even better, mutual respect that I'm a human being who deserves that too? Do I need to learn that fear is appropriate? Yay, what a lesson. Fear is a good thing to get from other people who are 'below you'. Sorry, but that's not what I'd want my kids to learn. I'd rather they learn skills about interacting in a positive way with adults, that they learn self-discipline, that they learn many other things but NOT fear.
The job of a parent, first and foremost, is to prepare their children for life as adults. And life as an adult absolutely and positively involves serious and permanent consequences as results of poor decisions.
Fear is a healthy emotion. To be without fear is idiotic.
Why? Why should I have fear of my parents? How about respect? Understanding? And even better, mutual respect that I'm a human being who deserves that too? Do I need to learn that fear is appropriate? Yay, what a lesson. Fear is a good thing to get from other people who are 'below you'. Sorry, but that's not what I'd want my kids to learn. I'd rather they learn skills about interacting in a positive way with adults, that they learn self-discipline, that they learn many other things but NOT fear.
The job of a parent, first and foremost, is to prepare their children for life as adults. And life as an adult absolutely and positively involves serious and permanent consequences as results of poor decisions.
Fear is a healthy emotion. To be without fear is idiotic.
But to learn to fear adults is not really a good thing. Fear is good for certain areas (such as not running across the street w/o looking for fear of being run over), to be true, but to learn to fear those in charge, how is that a positive?
I don't disagree that children need to learn consequences, but that doesn't come from spanking - even psychology has shown that punishment is a short term option - you don't learn long term. What children learn is to hide what they do, fear adults or punishment, become pleasers but not to necessarily do the right thing, or to learn anything positive. I'd rather my child respect me and know that I respect them to do the right thing. I would rather work with my child to understand consequences and to include them in the consequences. What I want my child to become is an amazing 25 year old with positive social skills who has resilience and confidence.
The job of a parent, first and foremost, is to prepare their children for life as adults. And life as an adult absolutely and positively involves serious and permanent consequences as results of poor decisions.
Fear is a healthy emotion. To be without fear is idiotic.
But to learn to fear adults is not really a good thing. Fear is good for certain areas (such as not running across the street w/o looking for fear of being run over), to be true, but to learn to fear those in charge, how is that a positive?
I don't disagree that children need to learn consequences, but that doesn't come from spanking - even psychology has shown that punishment is a short term option - you don't learn long term. What children learn is to hide what they do, fear adults or punishment, become pleasers but not to necessarily do the right thing, or to learn anything positive. I'd rather my child respect me and know that I respect them to do the right thing. I would rather work with my child to understand consequences and to include them in the consequences. What I want my child to become is an amazing 25 year old with positive social skills who has resilience and confidence.
I think children should fear the consequences their parents dole out, not the parents themselves, necessarily. They will see their parents play many roles in their parent/child relationship; only one of which is disciplinarian.
I have no issue with teaching my children to submit to authority (although not mindlessly). The world is hierarchical and failing to respect the system leads to a frustrated and unsuccessful adulthood.
I agree with whoever said they want their child to fear the consequence, not the parents.
David does not fear me or H and he sometimes fears the punishment and one of the things that I love so much about him is how he hates disappointing me. I never want to abuse that, but I do use it sometimes. He also knows that me and H are extremely fair and I want to always be that way with him. I would be crushed if he feared me.
On the flip side, I feel like I'm failing when I yell, but not when I spank. Probably because I spank when my inner dialogue is "Quick. I need a consequence to curb this behavior" and when I yell it's more like "fuck you fuck this fuck everything why did I have you fuckerrrrrs!" Inside my brain.
I think loss of control when disciplining is the problem, not necessarily the method itself.
My fear is that even of you're not spanking out of anger, your kid will still see it as a loss of control and that's pretty detrimental. I see yelling and spanking on the same plane. With both, you are losing control and saying to your child 'I don't know what I'm doing, but you are responsible for my emotions'. I can be a yeller, and sadly, I know this is the message my child is getting.
A lot of this is parenting with a need for control. I try not to be preoccupied with controlling my child and forcing her to submit to me. It's not that important.
I know I'm not going to change your mind on this, and honestly, I have no desire to "recruit" spankers. Lol. I only know what is going on inside MY head when doing it, and anger rarely enters the picture. If I'm angry, nothing about the spanking changes. Nothing.
And I do want to control my child, although not anywhere near in every way. I won't apologize for that.
I was never spanked, but I remember vividly my old brother being spanked and how upset I was about it. My brother was spanked by my dad when he was older - somewhere around 12 I'd say.