Do you think it's rude for a guest to smoke outside your (nonsmoking) home?
FIL is a smoker. When he and MIL come to visit, he often goes outside for a cigarette and then comes in smelling strongly like smoke. He also did this at my parents house last year during a dinner party. I think it's very inconsiderate of him, and want to request that he refrain from smoking during a visit (only 1-2 hours). DH says as long as he's not smoking inside, we should MYOB. Also, the last time he was here I did find a cigarette butt on our lawn, which further irritates me.
I think it is fine for him to smoke outside, but he needs to dispose of his butts properly. When my parents used to smoke I made them go outside and gave them an ashtray to use.
DH has several relatives that smoke. I put an ashtray out on the back deck, and ask them to please wash their hands after they smoke. I think it's completely disgusting, but this is the easiest way for me to deal with it.
I don't think it's rude of him to go outside and smoke, as long as he's not RIGHT in front of the door or around anyone else who is gathering outside (or in the path of other guests who might be walking up to the house when they arrive). I also don't think you need to provide an ash tray, but I DO think he needs to properly dispose of his butts, and if you find one again, I'd have your husband address that issue with him. It's one thing to be a smoker, it's another thing to be an inconsiderate smoker.
I don't find it rude because I'd rather someone smoke outside than inside. You could give him an empty can or something to use as an ashtray so you he doesn't litter (that part I find rude).
I would MYOB and would suck it up because I don't find it rude. Rude would be lighting up in your house without asking. Except for the cigarette butt on the lawn part -- that's rude.
But if you're really sensitive to the smoke, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to please refrain during short visits.
I don't have an issue with it. He went outside, he's a smoker, he's not doing anything illegal.
You might want to have an ashtray on hand for when he comes to visit so he has a place to put the butts. We have one on our back deck and one on the front porch.
Post by undecidedowl on Dec 4, 2013 13:41:30 GMT -5
I don't necessarily think it's rude but it would annoy me. I would most likely ask my DH to explain that because of my asthma even the third hand smoke is a problem and we can't have it in our home. That's tough.
I have a mild case of asthma and I'm allergic to tobacco (the smell of smoke gives me awful sinus headaches) so I am completely sympathetic, but if he's going outside and smoking away from the house, I don't really think it's rude, in fact I think it seems like he's trying to be considerate.
I don't know if I'd say anything, but maybe your husband can just mention that you're really sensitive to cigarettes and if he could wait until they are done visiting (if it is in fact a short visit).
If you don't provide an ash tray, what do you expect the smokers to do with the butts?
That's no excuse to throw them in someone's yard. My dad will put them out and put them in his pocket for later disposal or throw them in the garbage when he comes back inside.
I think it's rude, but I don't say anything. I hate even more when FIL smokes right before getting in the car with us. There's no point in saying anything because he's not going to not smoke. I just do things like step over and grab the stroller and walk away with my son when I see him reach for a cig, or roll the windows down on the car.
If you don't provide an ash tray, what do you expect the smokers to do with the butts?
What do they normally do when smoking outside? Â I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have to buy accessories to support your guests' bad habits.
I don't know, I was never a smoker, that's why I asked. No need to get snarky.
I was thinking they would put their cigarette out (on the sidewalk?), then walk it inside and get it wet in the sink, then throw it in the garbage. But it seems like they might be stinky in the garbage can. That's why I asked the question.
I don't have an issue with it. He went outside, he's a smoker, he's not doing anything illegal.
You might want to have an ashtray on hand for when he comes to visit so he has a place to put the butts. We have one on our back deck and one on the front porch.
All of this.
Dhs brother and girlfriend are HEAVY smokers and to tell them to not smoke at all when they come over... honestly, we'd probably never see them. BIL would be fine, but I know his GF would freak out. While I'd be fine w/ her never coming over, I know that would mean BIL wouldn't either.
We have an ashtray on the back porch for just this reason.
It sounds to me like the fact that he smokes annoys you, OP, so there probably won't be any kind of compromise that satisfies you. But they're family, so you should try. Leaving butts around is poor form on FIL's part, but at the same time, what WAS he supposed to do with them? You could probably help him smoke in a way that affects you less directly, and maybe even makes him feel more welcome/less ostracized for it - maybe an ash tray or something for butts that's further away from the door, and gently encourages him to smoke further from the house?
Also, I just consider putting an ashtray outside as part of being a good hostess. To me it's the same reason as why I buy a veggie tray or case of beer when I'm hosting, I know that my guests appreciate it, even if it's not something that I personally will be using/eating/drinking. Probably because my Mom always kept an ashtray on hand for guests, even though it was rarely used.
I don't necessarily think it's rude but it would annoy me. I would most likely ask my DH to explain that because of my asthma even the secondhand smoke is a problem and we can't have it in our home. That's tough.
I agree. Not rude, but it would still bother me, and being around the third hand smoke would exacerbate DS1's asthma. If it were a close relative, I think I would try asking them not to smoke while visiting for DS's sake. I really have no sense of what the correct social protocol is when it comes to smoking, though. I don't think we have ever had someone try to smoke inside or outside our house, and we don't have any friends or relatives who smoke.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Dec 4, 2013 13:58:02 GMT -5
My mom smokes. When she comes over, she smokes on my deck. She then brings the butt inside, runs it under cold water, wraps it in a paper towel, and takes it home with her.
If you don't provide an ash tray, what do you expect the smokers to do with the butts?
Dump the rest of the tobacco and then go throw away the filter and paper.
He can take it home with him for all I care.
ETA: I think many smokers just put it in their pocket (once the cherry is removed so it's totally out), but he could also bring a small baggie to throw it out at home. Hell, I'd GIVE him a baggie.
We have family that smokes, and we definitely don't provide an ashtray. They bought one to leave on our porch, and we tossed it as soon as they left. Yuck...not something I want around my house.
I'm fine with them smoking outside as long as they properly dispose of their butts. I actually have no idea what they do with them, but I've never found them in my yard. They would not be welcome to smoke at my home if they tossed the butts in my yard.
It sounds to me like the fact that he smokes annoys you, OP, so there probably won't be any kind of compromise that satisfies you. But they're family, so you should try. Leaving butts around is poor form on FIL's part, but at the same time, what WAS he supposed to do with them? You could probably help him smoke in a way that affects you less directly, and maybe even makes him feel more welcome/less ostracized for it - maybe an ash tray or something for butts that's further away from the door, and gently encourages him to smoke further from the house?
You're right, I am very annoyed with his smoking habit, so maybe this is just a "bitch eating crackers" kind of situation, lol.
As far as the butt disposal, I thought he would put the used butts in their car's ashtray (he does smoke in the car). I don't feel great about providing an ashtray at our home; it seems like that would be encouraging his habit, when everyone in the family is trying to support his quitting efforts. He did get an e-cigarette recently, so maybe that's a step in the right direction?
Post by imojoebunny on Dec 4, 2013 14:35:48 GMT -5
I would just set up a lawn chair someplace and give him a jar with a lid, like a spaghetti sauce jar. Smokes, has a place to rest the butt, easy disposal for you and him. If he is quitting, then he wouldn't be smoking if he is at your house for an hour or two. If he reeks of cigarettes, he may well be putting the butts in his pocket and they stink, of course if he smokes inside his home, that would do it too. No one I know smokes inside, even their own house. I am sure he knows smoking is bad, that people don't like it, and if he could quit, he would. No need to rub it in or he may decide it's not worth coming over.
Do you have an outdoor trashcan? My dad smokes outside at his house and always throws the butts in the big can that goes to the curb (after they've been put out). I would encourage that.