I might be being an asshole

[8daysaweek]

I need some third party opinions on whether I'm being a jerk or not.

I am traveling this week for a conference (leave Wednesday morning, back late Saturday night). We have three rooms that need painted (bathroom, our bedroom and DD's room) so since I'm pregnant and will be gone, H is going to do them this weekend. DD is going to stay with my mom Friday night and his mom Saturday so she's out of the way while he's painting.

Yesterday at brunch, MIL tells us she's going to have DD sleep in the regular bed instead of the crib Saturday night. Both the bed and the crib are in the same room and the crib is assembled. DD just turned 2 and is totally content in her crib at home. MIL's reasoning is that she naps at a cot at daycare so it should be fine.

I tried to gently suggest it probably wasn't a great idea but MIL didn't seem to take the hint and it wasn't really the best time to deal with it. We aren't quite ready for DD to move to a regular bed - we planned to try in July or August. Even if it did go well at MIL's, she'd have to go back to a crib the next night at home and if it doesn't go well, we get a cranky kid back on Sunday morning. And as silly as it may be, I would like for H and me to be the one to put her in a "big girl" bed for the first time and help her with that transition.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I have H tell her we think it'd be best to use the crib this weekend? And if she refuses or we think she won't go along with our wishes, would you send her anyway or make alternate plans for Saturday?

[broc]

Going to a big kid bed won't kill her... she's just going to jump out of it and roam around breaking shit and not sleeping. If gramma is insistent it's going to be her fabrege eggs and night spent dumping the kid back into bed. I would be very clear with her that this is *going* to be the outcome.

[BettyBookWorm]

I kind of understand that you want to have that "first" with your DD. Have you tried explaining to your folks exactly that? That it is an important event/milestone that you don't want to miss? I am sure both mothers will understand that. I am sure they've been there.

[Deleted]

You are making a big deal out of nothing.

If granny can't get her to sleep in the bed, she'll put her in the crib.

The kid sleeping in the bed won't have any bearing on where she sleeps when she gets home, just like sticking your kid in a pack n play or a pull out couch at a hotel won't fuck them up for life in a crib when you get home.

I assume you trust that your MIL did a reasonable enough job raising her own kid, yes?

Also, making a big deal out of the transistion to a big girl bed is bad juju.

[motzie]

I don't understand where your MIL is even getting this from. I would just say, DD sleeps in a crib, not a bed. Period. End of story. And yeah, any resistance to that would annoy me too.

[broc]

To add, I get why you're cranky about it, because it's not so much the BED as it is questioning your parenting decisions for no good reason. But since you do have a good reason and she's the one who's going to have to deal with a cranky, squirmy toddler running around her house, I think this is a good time to let her have her way. No way is this ending well for her.

[esdreturns]

May 14, 2012 11:36:52 GMT -5 broc said:

To add, I get why you're cranky about it, because it's not so much the BED as it is questioning your parenting decisions for no good reason. But since you do have a good reason and she's the one who's going to have to deal with a cranky, squirmy toddler running around her house, I think this is a good time to let her have her way. No way is this ending well for her.

ITA with this. Hope MIL has fun running after her at 2:30am lolol

[8daysaweek]

The bigger problem is definitely MIL respecting our parenting decisions. MIL pretty much got to raise her other granddaughter (SIL had her when she was 16 and lived at home for several years so it was a very different situation) and she thinks things should be the same with our daughter.

The bed is a full-sized bed that's about two feet off the ground. DD's pretty small and tends to dive head first off any kind of height and while I know she's a kid and they do that and they bounce back, it still makes me nervous when there is a perfectly good crib right there. I wouldn't be as worried if it were a smaller twin or toddler bed. And honestly, I don't really trust MIL's judgment. She never thinks about things like gates on the stairs or putting her breakables out of reach or keeping DD out of cabinets that have cleaning supplies. H and his siblings were actually primarily raised by a nanny til they were school-aged.

We aren't making a big deal out of the big girl bed to DD and haven't even mentioned it to her. It's just one of those things that *we* are looking forward to as parents to do with our daughter.

[esdreturns]

If you don't really trust her, why are you letting her watch your DD?

[beebeeeater]

I think bringing in the "we are looking forward to the special blahdy blah" makes you sound a little assy. I'd leave that part out.

But YH should say "Mom, Baby sleeps in the crib." and if she tries to say "oh well I'll just put her in the bed!" he can reply "No Mom, Baby sleeps in the crib." and she's all "she'll be just FINE in the bed" and then he says "Mom, Baby sleeps in the crib."

If she STILL chooses to put the kid in the bed then I think you need to find a new babysitter for next time.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 12:06:21 GMT -5 esdreturns said:

If you don't really trust her, why are you letting her watch your DD?

Right??

[8daysaweek]

That's a really good question. Honestly, I've avoided it for two years (overnight at least, she has watched her for a few hours before) and H made these arrangements without asking me first (I knew he was having her stay with my mother Friday but not having her stay somewhere Saturday too). H trusts her, of course, and she has addressed all the things I mentioned - with a lot of pressure from us to do it but she does it eventually. It's more like she's not in the mentality to see its importance that makes me feel insecure about her taking care of DD.

But H has wanted to do it for a long time (DD has stayed with my mom before) and he feels that DD is safe and he trusts her. I struggle with anxiety a lot and I do tend to worry too much and he's her parent too and loves her so I'm trying to trust his judgment too. And MIL does adore Lea and would never want anything bad to happen to her. And H will tell her Lea should sleep in the crib and he believes she will do it and I mostly do too - but there's this part of me that doubts it because I feel like she's always challenging our choices.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and I should object. I always struggle with what's really a concern and what's just me being an overly anxious person who worries about every little thing and what's legitimate.

[fussbucket]

May 14, 2012 12:11:01 GMT -5 beebeeeater said:

If she STILL chooses to put the kid in the bed then I think you need to find a new babysitter for next time.

Exactly this. Would you ever dream of re-hiring a babysitter who deliberately ignored your instructions?

Seems like you're enjoying the free babysitting but not willing to give up any of the decision-making involved.

I think you should just explain to your H what's digging in your craw and let him figure out how and whether to deal with it. For someone who's getting a bunch of rooms painted and some free baby-sitting, you're sounding kinda cranky to me.

[fussbucket]

May 14, 2012 12:29:40 GMT -5 8daysaweek said:

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and I should object. I always struggle with what's really a concern and what's just me being an overly anxious person who worries about every little thing and what's legitimate.

Well TBH having an anxious, insecure mom is going to have a much bigger impact on your DD than being put in a bed at Grandma's.

Physician, heal thyself.

[Deleted]

Really?
Your H survived her didn't he?