What's your language of love?

[elenetxu]

www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2014/02/01/269014409/does-it-taste-as-sweet-to-say-i-love-you-in-another-language?utm_content=socialflow&utm_campaign=nprfacebook&utm_source=npr&utm_medium=facebook

Wasn't someone here doing a study on this awhile back?

DH and I communicate almost exclusively in Spanish. Despite that fact, I related to the author's mother when she commented that: My mom, even after 30-odd years in the U.S., still heavily favors her native Arabic over her adopted English. It's how she counts out loud, writes grocery lists, yells at slow drivers in traffic, and shows affection.

I once got chided by a local businesswoman when I was purchasing something. She told me I should count in Spanish. I told her that if she wanted the correct amount, I would be counting in English thankyouverymuchandmuchasgracias. The grocery lists and road rage come out bilingually, depending on the products or amount of shock in the other driver's behavior.

How does your brain behave? What language is your relationship in - L1 or L2 (L3, 4...)?

[Shreddingbetty]

For me definitely English (L2). I was 17 when I came here and did I my adult growing up here and all in English since I had no family here. I rarely speak Dutch here. I skype with my sister about once every couple of months and that is it for my Dutch (other than when we travel to Euorpe once a year and when my sister comes once a year). I have been here almost 24 years (yes, I'm old ). When I go back home it takes a few days to really get back into Dutch. Counting, dreaming etc, I do everything in English. I fact, when I was in college I was on the tennis team and would have an occasional fit. They tought I should just cuss in Dutch since no one would be able to understand that but it was just much easier to do so in English.

[potatopie]

Thanks for posting this! I was the one studying this. This was exactly the topic of my Masters thesis. I looked into affection, swearing, fighting, and normal routine conversations between bilingual couples (even including grocery lists!). And, like it says, it's really about associations and emotional resonance.

[elenetxu]

My grocery lists crack me up:
Tomato
Lettuce
Carne picada
Soup...

I still don't get why carne picada comes out before "ground beef" or "hamburger".

[Deleted]

Mine changes depending on what is being said. I have random english words that pop out mid-french and random french words that pop out mid-english. I think my brain connections just mix up sometimes

[loira]

I find this very interesting, although we can't really be classified as a bilingual couple.

I grew up bilingual (French and English), but spoke English at home. H grew up speaking English at home, though his grandmother used to speak Spanish to him. Unfortunately, she died when he was about 8, and no one else in the family continued this (including his father, who also speaks Spanish). It makes me mad on H's behalf sometimes, but I don't think my FIL ever understood the value of bilingualism - he probably just wanted his son to fit in in a country where there is a lot of discrimination against Hispanics.

We speak English together, but sometimes I will say things to him in French.

[potatopie]

Feb 2, 2014 6:32:37 GMT -5 loira said:

We speak English together, but sometimes I will say things to him in French.

I think one of the great advantages of being in an international or bilingual couple is being able to make these kinds of asides without other people understanding (for the most part).

[elenetxu]

Feb 2, 2014 8:24:38 GMT -5 potatopie said:

Feb 2, 2014 6:32:37 GMT -5 loira said:

We speak English together, but sometimes I will say things to him in French.

I think one of the great advantages of being in an international or bilingual couple is being able to make these kinds of asides without other people understanding (for the most part).

My parents tried to do that in French (both studied it in high school) when we were kids. I caught on pretty quickly...

[travelingturtle]

I didn't read the article yet, but that comment someone made about counting just annoys me.

My H and I only speak English since we're both Americans. Some German words pop up, especially, like a PP said, in the grocery list.

[dulcemariamar]

I speak to my DH in Spanish which is bad because I want my LO to learn English but she is only picking up Spanish words for now. It has become such a habit that I never realize it when I am doing it.

I still have trouble with numbers though. I have to do it in English.

[Shreddingbetty]

Feb 2, 2014 8:24:38 GMT -5 potatopie said:

Feb 2, 2014 6:32:37 GMT -5 loira said:

We speak English together, but sometimes I will say things to him in French.

I think one of the great advantages of being in an international or bilingual couple is being able to make these kinds of asides without other people understanding (for the most part).

We were just in Hawaii and there was a lady that was really obese. I was in the pool with DD and she commented on how she liked this lady's swimsuit and then proceeded to comment on how the lady was fat and was she going to have a baby.....luckily she did it in French or it would've been embarrassing!

[echo]

We speak his language,so I guess that is my love language?I yell at him in English when I am mad because he doesn't understand almost anything,so I never have to apologize...and as for first language that comes out of my mouth,that depends on who I am looking at,if it is my mom,its English,if its DH,its his language,if I am thinking about something that happened in a certain language,it comes out in that one......

[Deleted]

Feb 2, 2014 8:24:38 GMT -5 potatopie said:

Feb 2, 2014 6:32:37 GMT -5 loira said:

We speak English together, but sometimes I will say things to him in French.

I think one of the great advantages of being in an international or bilingual couple is being able to make these kinds of asides without other people understanding (for the most part).

Unless you are in london and every third person there is French or speaks french, I swear! I wanted to say something about some lady that did something and almost said it in french only to realize that there were people around speaking french. Or H has the habit of saying an aside in English, which is great until we are in the USA and he tries the same thing without lowering his voice and forgets that yea, people in the US do know what he is saying!

[doctoranda]

DH is American and when we met he didn't speak Dutch. We've been together for 13 years and we now live in the Netherlands. His Dutch is pretty fluent. However, we still speak English together. The largest part of my work is also in English and to me speaking English or Dutch is just the same. I think in English all the time. My grocery lists are in two languages though, and when I am truly upset or startled sometimes some Dutch comes out.

[anna7602]

Feb 2, 2014 8:37:12 GMT -5 elenetxu said:

Feb 2, 2014 8:24:38 GMT -5 potatopie said:

I think one of the great advantages of being in an international or bilingual couple is being able to make these kinds of asides without other people understanding (for the most part).

My parents tried to do that in French (both studied it in high school) when we were kids. I caught on pretty quickly...

We had some friends in France who always used to speak English in front of the kids when they didn't want something to be understood by them. Doesn't work when you have a blabber-mouthed 5-year-old who understands English perfectly over for dinner. DD ruined their system!

[anna7602]

DH and I primarily speak to each other in English, unless we're at the dinner table with DD (then it's Spanish). I find the dynamic of my language interactions with DD much more interesting. It feels very weird to speak to her in English, much like speaking to my parents in English feels weird. We only use English to be polite in front of other English-speakers.

[GilliC]

We speak a lot in English, but I love having alternate vocabulary to fall back on, because it has no baggage. Saying "penis" and "vagina" still sounds distractingly clinical, while most of the slang terms feel a bit crass. Having the Portuguese words just feels neutral, because I don't attach any of those subtle nuances to them.

Similarly, I love the fact that he tells me I'm "beautiful." There are such subtle differences in the words, and XH always stuck to "pretty" or "cute." "Beautiful" is somehow a whole different level, reserved for the exceptional. I know that I'm not exceptionally pretty, but even if he wouldn't use the word as a native speaker, it makes me feel good, and I think that maybe in his eyes I am that exceptional. ...and maybe it's just lost in translation, but I'll take it, so I don't want to press the point.

As for the rest, I speak English exclusively, but I adopt words and phrases from other languages when there isn't a good English equivalent. So I have scattered Mandarin, French, Norwegian, Portuguese, and Japanese vocabulary in certain circumstances.

[potatopie]

Feb 3, 2014 15:35:07 GMT -5 GilliC said:

We speak a lot in English, but I love having alternate vocabulary to fall back on, because it has no baggage. Saying "penis" and "vagina" still sounds distractingly clinical, while most of the slang terms feel a bit crass. Having the Portuguese words just feels neutral, because I don't attach any of those subtle nuances to them.

I do the same thing. It's called the "distancing effect" since we don't have the negative connotation associated with the words.

[Dorothy Zbornak]

We speak German together as a couple; DH speaks German to the kids, I speak English to them. But if I can't think of a word in one language or the other, I'll just use the one that pops into my head. My grocery lists are a mix of both, too. But I HAVE to count in English. My brain totally shuts down when German numbers are involved.

[Cheesecake]

I really do speak, read and think a mix of Dutch and English. When I speak or write Dutch, there'll be English words in there all the time, When I speak or write Englisg vice versa. And now and then the occasional Italian word - mostly food related though. I really have to think hard to find the Dutch or English word for carciofi or fior di zucca for instance, and I never buy vleeswaren or deli meat, but always salumi.


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