From today's Dear Prudence Chat - OMG

[AllieHound]

I spend most afternoons either hanging out at my parents house with my sister, or having my sister over to my house. Granted, she's 18 and just graduated, so it's not like I'm keeping her from work. She'll also be the one watching him until she starts college in the fall. My mom (who gets 6 weeks of vacation a year) has taken off 3 weeks total to hang out with Max and help me get adjusted. To be fair, though, H was offered a job 5 weeks before Max was born, so wasn't eligible for FMLA. He negotiated for the first 10 days off, but has been back to work since then, so I've needed the help.

That said, I don't judge her for needing help. And I fully believe that the gma was possibly not fully awake and just went into automatic when she heard a crying baby- which might have been to pick him up and bf, without even being awake enough to realize that it wasn't 30 years ago, and not her kid.

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2012 17:30:52 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Maybe I find it weird because I was already back at work and functioning at that point.

ETA: I'm not trying to make this a mommywars thing. I don't have an outside support structure, and as I said I was already back at work at that point. I would have been able to survive without my H for a couple of days. Maybe I have a boot strap mentality about this.

In my case, I didn't need the help. I had a straight foreward delivery, quick recovery, and I'm pretty bootstrappy anyway. But my mom wanted to be here for me, I hadn't seen her in a year and a half and she wanted to spend time with her grandbabies.

As a bonus, I did get help. We could have done without her but, hey, she was willing.

[ttt]

Jul 9, 2012 17:08:47 GMT -5 KateAggie said:

There's a whole lot of weirdness about this, but I'm not getting what's weird about having help at 2 months. Mar was about 8 weeks old when DH encouraged me to call my Mom to come help because I was falling apart and he had to work. If he'd gone out of town? Hell yes, I would've needed help. I had a baby that didn't nap, that cried/screamed from 3-8 or 9 every night, and I was reeling from pp hormones and constantly thinking I was doing something wrong.

This. I was desperate for help at 8 weeks and would have gladly welcomed someone coming to stay with me to help.

I don't think I would jump to sexual abuse with this but I absolutely think the MIL has some serious mental health issues. I certainly would not be leaving baby alone with her again.

[marynjoe]

I understand wanting someone to come over and help. I also don't jump to sexual abuse, but definitely agree that there are some mental health issues going on. No more alone time with Grandma and Baby.

[cookiemdough]

With DS we had some sort of family visiting / staying with us for the first three months. It helped immensely. Could I have done it myself? I guess, but I am glad I didn't have to. When this one comes I believe my mom will be here the first month and my MIL the second month. I am lucky they are both retired and have the ability to stay for so long.

[earlgreyhot]

Jul 9, 2012 15:44:34 GMT -5 @bunnybean said:

That is crazy weird. I totally agree with the answer. I'm a bit confused with the jump to police; is the mom thinking that the MIL was getting her jollies? I don't get that sense, but it honestly made me feel sad. Like MIL is really hung up on missing it herself or something. I feel that MIL's behavior is classically pathetic, and there need to be discussions of boundaries and getting help.

I agree totally with this. Pathetic, sad, but not at all worthy of a call to the police.

[JLN]

My first thought was The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. I can't tell exactly what's up with MIL, but it's just a really gross situation and I could not imagine walking into that scenario in my own home.

[puppiesandrainbows]

The judgment towards the mom in this thread is ridiculous. I hope the karma bus hits you, and you end up with an 8 week old going through a growth spurt so they're cluster feeding every 45 minutes round the clock.

Then let's see how boot strappy you feel.

Maybe the baby was waking constantly and the MIL was there to help, and pick up the baby, change it and bring it to mom to eat, and then put it to bed so exhausted mom didn't have to get up.

Maybe mom had a c-section and was having complications or a lot of pain, do getting up and down was hard.

Maybe her husband was out of town either for a couple days or even a couple weeks, depending on business, so he wasn't there to help and give his wife a break. So grandma was there to help out and fill in with what he usually does with the baby so the mom could actually have a chance to eat, shower, pee and get a bit of sleep.

Maybe they had other child(ren) and grandma was there mostly to help with the older kids but chipped in to help with the baby too.

Maybe she had never met the baby until then and she was excited to help and offered to help at night so the mom could rest.

And maybe the reason why grandma was there is none of anyone's business, and/or the reason is completely 100% irrelevant to the point of the story. My vote is for the latter.

Regarding meds, if that were the case odds are grandma would have admitted, not argue defensively. Hell if she were on meds she wouldn't remember enough later to argue about it.

I doubt highly they invited her over to be a wet nurse. Her actions are creepy as fuck and if I were her DIL and my husband didn't back me up like hers didn't, I'd thrown him out to go home and go suck on the maternal teat. Figuratively, of course.

[2vermont]

Nothing much to add here other than it appears some are thinking this woman is elderly. Although she may have mental issues, it doesn't necessarily have to be related to old age. This woman could be in her early 50's.

[Deleted]

Hold up, people are judging that the grandma was there helping with a newborn? Um, what?

[foundmylazybum]

Jul 10, 2012 5:13:55 GMT -5 2vermont said:

Nothing much to add here other than it appears some are thinking this woman is elderly. Although she may have mental issues, it doesn't necessarily have to be related to old age. This woman could be in her early 50's.

I thought the same thing.
Fuck...the post about the people in nursing homes? Just because your a grandma doesn't have to mean you are old...you know..for the earth.


Also Lol at the above bootstrap post on Karma. Watch out ladies. You all have NO idea what it's like at 8 weeks.

[Deleted]

Um, both sides are being ridiculous here. Just because Sibil brought up nursing homes does NOT mean she assumed the woman was old. She provided an example of what it COULD be.

And no, its not crazy to have help at 8 weeks. I didn't have it, but I wouldn't have turned it away either. And I was back to grad school at 2 weeks pp. I win

[KateAggie]

Jul 10, 2012 11:18:24 GMT -5 @irishbride said:

Um, both sides are being ridiculous here. Just because Sibil brought up nursing homes does NOT mean she assumed the woman was old. She provided an example of what it COULD be.

And no, its not crazy to have help at 8 weeks. I didn't have it, but I wouldn't have turned it away either. And I was back to grad school at 2 weeks pp. I win

Irish, where the hell have you been?!?! I missed you!

[pixy0stix]

Jul 9, 2012 23:49:12 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

The judgment towards the mom in this thread is ridiculous. I hope the karma bus hits you, and you end up with an 8 week old going through a growth spurt so they're cluster feeding every 45 minutes round the clock.

Then let's see how boot strappy you feel.

Numbnuts, I've been there and done that. Y'know, since I have a kid and all.

Try the, "You don't know because you're not a parent!" line on someone who doesn't already have a kid.

[caden]

Jul 10, 2012 11:18:24 GMT -5 @irishbride said:

Um, both sides are being ridiculous here. Just because Sibil brought up nursing homes does NOT mean she assumed the woman was old. She provided an example of what it COULD be.

And no, its not crazy to have help at 8 weeks. I didn't have it, but I wouldn't have turned it away either. And I was back to grad school at 2 weeks pp. I win

I miss your voice of reason too, Irish!

[Deleted]

hi! The last few months have been crazy so I used that as an excuse to not migrate over. I've been very productive, lol.

But I'm trying to come back

[cookiemdough]

Jul 10, 2012 11:57:42 GMT -5 @irishbride said:

hi! The last few months have been crazy so I used that as an excuse to not migrate over. I've been very productive, lol.

But I'm trying to come back

yay! I was thinking how it was strange not to have your input on all the school posts floating around. Glad everything is okay.

[iammalcolmx]

I am just going to sit here and hope Grandma was on some sort of medication. This will prevent me from rocking back and forth in a corner after the visual image I got from the OP.

[wawa]

Am I the only one who remembers the article about extended BFing that was posted here (nest here. Not here here) ages ago? The author had lived for a while in...mongolia? maybe? somewhere very much not the USA culturally and old grannies regularly gave babies dry boobs as pacifiers.

I'd find it and link, but I'm not sure how to google that at work safely.

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2012 17:30:52 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Maybe I find it weird because I was already back at work and functioning at that point.

ETA: I'm not trying to make this a mommywars thing. I don't have an outside support structure, and as I said I was already back at work at that point. I would have been able to survive without my H for a couple of days. Maybe I have a boot strap mentality about this.

You may not have tried to make it a mommy war post but you certainly made those of us who needed help at that stage feel incapable and a bit miffed. Your follow up post was even more sanctimonious, if that was possible.

[MrsDL]

Jul 9, 2012 15:28:26 GMT -5 krystee said:

There was a similar post on the Nest, but it was her SIL, not her MIL. (Her SIL was not lactating either.)

I remember the MIL kissing the baby's penis on the nest. I can't decide which would be worse. I agree that something doesn't seem right upstairs.

[puppiesandrainbows]

Jul 10, 2012 11:36:17 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Jul 9, 2012 23:49:12 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

The judgment towards the mom in this thread is ridiculous. I hope the karma bus hits you, and you end up with an 8 week old going through a growth spurt so they're cluster feeding every 45 minutes round the clock.

Then let's see how boot strappy you feel.

Numbnuts, I've been there and done that. Y'know, since I have a kid and all.

Try the, "You don't know because you're not a parent!" line on someone who doesn't already have a kid.

Since we're going to call names, you know you sound like a complete twat, right? And if you read my post, it wasn't directed at moms vs non moms. I said "I hope you have a baby", it could be your first or your fifth, it doesn't matter, the point is the same. Numbnut.

But I guess it's easy to feel smug since you are obviously a better mom and a stronger woman than every other poster who said they had/needed/or would have welcomed help at eight weeks. I'll bet you were working when you went into labor, squatted down and popped the baby out, and then went right back to work. Sleep is for pussies.

[pixy0stix]

Jul 10, 2012 21:59:14 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

But I guess it's easy to feel smug since you are obviously a better mom and a stronger woman than every other poster who said they had/needed/or would have welcomed help at eight weeks.

Where did I say that? For real, where did I say that? I said I had no experience with it, so I thought it was weird. I never looked down on anyone, or called them names, or wished them harm. Not once. But I'm a twat. And you wish a billion harms upon me and mine.

Hell, I hardly *ever* talk about my kid or parenting choices on this board or any other board. But suddenly I'm branded as a martyr mom sanctimommy? Fuck me sideways, this is why I never say anything because someone is always going to think you're questioning them instead of making an observation.

[puppiesandrainbows]

Pixy, you really don't know? Aside from the "why is MIL helping at 8 weeks, DIL is weird" comment, the quote below clinched it. The follow up was even worse than your original statement.

It's great that you were able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps a few weeks after having a baby, but really it sounds like you had no choice. That judgey attitude is why a lot of women suffer from PPD in silence. No, I'm not saying you are single handedly causing PPD in the U.S. but you're definitely not contributing to the solution by being so judgey. Just because you could do it at 8 weeks doesn't mean that all women can or should, and there's nothing wrong with that.

quote author=pixy0stix board=general thread=29664 post=455406 time=1341873052]Maybe I find it weird because I was already back at work and functioning at that point.

ETA: I'm not trying to make this a mommywars thing. I don't have an outside support structure, and as I said I was already back at work at that point. I would have been able to survive without my H for a couple of days. Maybe I have a boot strap mentality about this. [/quote]

[pixy0stix]

Bootstraps are something this board talks jokingly about all.the.time. It was supposed to be a joke, albeit a poor one. I don't really think I pulled myself up where others couldn't. I survived just like we all end up doing.

[pixy0stix]

The "maybe I find it weird" was trying to explain my frame of reference.

[puppiesandrainbows]

LOL. All aboard the Backpedaling Express!

You "find it weird" because YOU pulled yourself up by your bootstraps by 8 weeks, so you judge other women that can't or don't because your experience makes it clear it's possible and can be done. It enables you to judge other women as weak or less capable, and you get to pat yourself on the back for being superior.

And the bootstraps thing didn't sound at all funny or joking, and as you can see I'm not the only one that saw it as a negative disparagement of other less boot strappy capable women.

[pixy0stix]

::throws hands up::

You got me. I talk all the time about how superior I am to other mothers. We never mention bootstraps jokingly here EVER. Obviously I'm all about cutting down other women.

[puppiesandrainbows]

Jul 10, 2012 22:54:48 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

::throws hands up::

You got me. I talk all the time about how superior I am to other mothers. We never mention bootstraps jokingly here EVER. Obviously I'm all about cutting down other women.

Pixy, grow up. That is one of the most childish things I've seen on this board. You weren't joking, and the subsequent posters that commented on your posts took it the same way as I have, and no one said anything about "all the time", I'm referencing the posts in this thread only.

You know, it's okay to say "Hey, if I offended the mothers on here, I'm sorry. In hindsight I realize I sounded like a jerk. My posts were poorly worded." Instead you are acting petulant and put upon, but that's your prerogative.

And with that I'm going to bed.

[pixy0stix]

Uh, I'm fairly certain I said it [boot straps] was a poor joke, but you're selectively editing in your head for your own personal pleasure so what I say doesn't really matter.

[eta for clarity]