I've been trying not to post too much about my separation, but I'm feeling really conflicted lately.
Basically, H was verbally and emotionally abusive for 6 years and I was in denial until recently. I told him we would separate and I'd give it 6 months of couples' counseling and then re-evaluate. I'm only about a month into the separation, and this is ridiculously hard. My emotions about the whole thing are all over the map. Overall, his attitude about this is fairly good. He is admitting he was wrong, admitting he needs help with his anger issues, etc. He has given me some really heart-felt apologies. But ever since I came out of denial, it is really hard for me to take anything he says or does at face value. It's like coming out of denial let me see his behavior from a more objective standpoint, and even though his bad behavior over the years didn't damage my trust at the time, that is all catching up with me, and his past behavior makes me distrust even his good behavior now.
I really don't know what to think. I don't know if this distrust is something that can be "fixed," even if he completely turns everything around. Sometimes I feel like I just want to end all this so he doesn't have more chances to pull at my heart strings. Other times, I think it doesn't hurt to give it time before making any huge decisions. I just don't know how I'm going to feel about all this from moment to moment. I separated from my H to get away from his emotional roller coaster, but now I'm making one of my own.
I know there are several women here who have been through similar things; I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom to get through this with my sanity intact.
Are you also in individual counseling? If not, I highly recommend it. My counselor told me she wouldn't even consider seeing xh and I unless I was also going myself.
You know, it's ok if you're just done. Sometimes, there's to much water under the bridge. That's how I felt. No matter what xh did to try to get me back, too much had already happened.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please PM me if you feel more comfortable.
I have read about the cycle, and lots of other things. I imagine that is one of the main reasons for my current distrust. I know a month is nothing in the scheme of things, but every day is up and down emotionally, so it feels like forever.
Give it time. You are in the first stages of counseling, when things are always the most rough and your feelings the most raw. If he's doing everything he's supposed to, give it the six months as you promised yourself and him. Otherwise, you'll probably start asking yourself "What if?" If you find you'll never be able to trust him again, that's something you need to ask yourself. But for now, give yourself and him the opportunity to rebuild the trust. If he breaks it, then re-evaluate sooner.
More importantly than what a bunch of internet strangers say, what does you counselor say? Are you also in individual? If not, you should consider seeing someone on your own.
Words do not equal actions. Of course it's hard for you to believe what he says because he has never had the actions to make you trust the words he says.
You said you'd give it 6 months. You are 1 month in. Of course you were going to be conflicted 1 month in.
Give yourself at least the 6 months you said you would. This perspective and these feelings may seem new and strange. Keep up the work. Don't rush to conclusions.
I am in individual counseling. It's definitely helpful.
One thing I'm struggling with is, even if he lasts these 6 months without breaking the trust, I'm not sure that would be enough. And if that's the case, what's the point of waiting 6 months? But you're right that I'd wonder "what if?"
BTW - you don't HAVE to make any decisions right now.
Is he pressuring you to? Take your six months, hell take a year. Extricate yourself from the relationship and take care of yourself. Do you have hobbies you enjoy? If you don't, find one. Go out with friends, or make new ones. Just worry about YOUR happiness for once, and yours alone.
It sounds to me like you are done with the marriage. Honestly, in cases of abuse I don't think there is any obligation to "save" the marriage. You can go to counseling, but you don't owe him that and frankly, most abusers don't change. If they do change, it's after a ton of work and most people aren't willing to put in that kind of work. And even if he does happen to be one of those few people who do change, the damage to your trust and your love is done. Can it be fixed? Is it worth fixing or is it worth cutting your losses and moving on?
Since you're looking for people who have been through similar things - I'll tell you your post resonates with me because my XH was also verbally and emotionally abusive for years. I think I put up with it because it was mostly when he was angry (i.e. he'd call me a cunt when he was pissed off, but on a day to day basis would mostly say nice things to me and about me). I never really took his verbal abuse to heart, because I knew it was him being ridiculous and that I wasn't in fact a cunt I understand where you're coming from with the "taking things at face value" thing too. My XH made a lot of promises over the years and for a long time I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he'd follow through, but inevitably he'd lie about something else or manipulate a situation in another way and show that he wasn't changing.
I think you do just hit a point where even if it was tolerable for many years, it just isn't anymore. I had the additional push of him having an affair to help me end my marriage, but after I hit that point I honestly think that even if we could have gotten past the affair, all the other stuff had just become way too apparent to me to overlook any longer. And at this point, I'm thankful for that. There is no reason you or I should have to put up with that.
One of my favorite things about becoming single was that I could come home from work every day and know exactly what I was going to come home to. If I was in a good mood when I left work, I'd stay in a good mood. If I was in a bad mood I knew I could decompress without my bad mood turning into a fight with my unsupportive partner. I may never be able to fully explain why I put up with him for so long, but I can say with certainty now that I'm away that I'd never put up with that again. It's so much better without it.
I am in individual counseling. It's definitely helpful.
One thing I'm struggling with is, even if he lasts these 6 months without breaking the trust, I'm not sure that would be enough. And if that's the case, what's the point of waiting 6 months? But you're right that I'd wonder "what if?"
Has he taken any steps to resolve his anger issues? Couples counseling is a good start, but has he made any effort to work on any of the things you've brought up?
Like others have said, you do not have to make any decisions now. Only you will know when you are truly "done"
Can you elaborate why everyday is such an up/down emotionally?
Is it possible you and he are codependant?
I agree that individual therapy is a MUST DO.
Every day is up and down emotionally because I can't help but go over everything in my head over and over. Remembering awful things he's said and done in the past. Thinking about things he's said in therapy sessions. Trying to analyze the motivation behind things he says now. Trying to imagine what a healthy relationship between us would even look like. It's all in my head. But while things are up in the air and unsettled between us, I have a really hard time not dwelling on it.
I see him or speak to him about 3 or 4 times a week right now, and after every encounter, I'm trying to analyze whether I believe what he says, how I feel about it, and what it means for the long-term. It's just really stressful.
My ex was emotionally abusive, but I didn't see it. My mother was actually the one who pushed me to a therapist, but I still stayed with him. After 5 years, I found out about a web of lies and we broke up, and then I had clarity.
You said you'd give it 6 months. You are 1 month in. Of course you were going to be conflicted 1 month in.
Give yourself at least the 6 months you said you would. This perspective and these feelings may seem new and strange. Keep up the work. Don't rush to conclusions.
Post by shopgirl07 on Mar 10, 2014 10:26:37 GMT -5
I personally don't think an abusive marriage can or should be saved. He's been awful to you your entire marriage, it's highly doubtful that your marriage will ever end up healthy. And, really, of course you distrust him, why wouldn't you?
Are you looking for someone to say it's ok to be done? Because it is. You don't have to give it 6 months. You've been able to step away from the situation and it sounds like you have clarity. You are under no obligation to continue counseling with him and give it the full 6 months. Frankly, you owe him nothing. You're putting yourself on the emotional rollercoaster because you still feel "bad" for him and still want to please him. Again, it's ok to be done. You deserve to be happy and to put your needs first.
. Often, couples counseling can be detrimental to individuals who are in abusive situations due to the pattern of manipulation and uneven playing field caused by the abuser and that can be played upon by the couple's counselor. So really, I wouldn't even do couples counseling with him until you wrap your mind around the whole situation. Does he see his own counselor?
I am in individual counseling. It's definitely helpful.
One thing I'm struggling with is, even if he lasts these 6 months without breaking the trust, I'm not sure that would be enough. And if that's the case, what's the point of waiting 6 months? But you're right that I'd wonder "what if?"
I went through this with my xh, with his drinking. He quit after I left him, but I never believed he would ever quit for good, and I never went back because the trust was gone, and I didn't want to waste any more time of my life. He's since started drinking again, and even gotten two DUIs, but even if he wouldn't have started again, I was comfortable with my decision.
I have read about the cycle, and lots of other things. I imagine that is one of the main reasons for my current distrust. I know a month is nothing in the scheme of things, but every day is up and down emotionally, so it feels like forever.
Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar. Like someone suggested, definitely go to individual therapy.
I'll tell you how I handled it...
My ex was emotionally abusive and we tried couples counselling for a year. It helped on a superficial level, but the root of the problems never changed. Things would be good most of the times, but when they were bad, they were bad.
Once I decided I wanted to leave him, I made my decision and didn't look back. Of course he said he was going to change and blah blah blah. Maybe he would've changed, but he had plenty of ample opportunity BEFORE I told him I was done to make that change. Every once in awhile I wonder if he ever would've really changed, but I don't regret my decision at all.
It's ok to be done if that's how you feel. It's also ok to keep with your agreement of counselling and see where it takes you, but definitely look in to individual counselling so that you have someone that can help you with this rollercoaster of emotions.
Post by firedancer49 on Mar 10, 2014 10:31:13 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this struggle, and like everyone else has said, I would really give yourself the full 6 months. Take more time from that point if you need it, but I would not take less. Also, can you try and see him less? I would think that would help if you really tried to separate from him. Maybe to once or twice per month, not multiple times per week. I know if I were in that situation, seeing him so much would make it even harder.
Also, to play devil's advocate - my H and I had been together for six years when I moved out. He, too, was emotionally/verbally abusive. He however, wants to change (it took me a long time to believe that) and has worked hard at changing. In fact, we've both changed over the course of the year we've been separated (we still are separated btw), I've gotten better and supporting myself and he's gotten better at actually listening and thinking about the consequences of his actions (among other things). We still don't live together, but see each other often. I don't know what is going to happen. I want to be able to say it's all going to work out with us, but there are still so many factors at play.
IDK what I'm trying to say here. I guess that it IS possible. But it takes a huge, huge, HUGE amount of effort on both parts.
If your contact with him is that upsetting for you, I'd encourage you to limit it until you feel better about it (i.e. aren't agonizing about it).
I am in individual counseling. It's definitely helpful.
One thing I'm struggling with is, even if he lasts these 6 months without breaking the trust, I'm not sure that would be enough. And if that's the case, what's the point of waiting 6 months? But you're right that I'd wonder "what if?"
Ok this is exactly how I felt. I realized that I was at the point that even if he did change, he didn't deserve to be with me because he had treated me like shit so many times previously. I didn't think there was anything he could do that would make those memories go away. So I decided to be done and never looked back. It's ok to be done at any point any time. In my opinion, when abuse is in the equation you don't owe it to the other person to stick it out for another damn second if you don't feel like it.
I am in individual counseling. It's definitely helpful.
One thing I'm struggling with is, even if he lasts these 6 months without breaking the trust, I'm not sure that would be enough. And if that's the case, what's the point of waiting 6 months? But you're right that I'd wonder "what if?"
So, you want to know NOW what the future holds for his behavior and your relationship. So you don't waste any time.
Lol. We all want this. Sadly, it doesn't work like that. You actually have to gain perspective, struggle, have conflicted feelings, watch partners follow thru or fail at promises - and make decisions along the way.
You DONT know now that 6 months will be enough. You're just GIVING it six months, at least, to figure things out. Again, you've been at this ONE month.
. Often, couples counseling can be detrimental to individuals who are in abusive situations due to the pattern of manipulation and uneven playing field caused by the abuser and that can be played upon by the couple's counselor. So really, I wouldn't even do couples counseling with him until you wrap your mind around the whole situation. Does he see his own counselor?
This was my first thought - I know plenty of counselors won't even see couples where there is abuse present because of this. So be careful and do not let him use sessions to manipulate you.
I see you are in individual counseling, but is he? He needs to be taking steps - real steps - to correct his behavior and not just giving you lip service. And step do not include just thinking real hard about his actions.
And like others have said - it's ok to be done. But you need I decide what is best for you long term. If you think giving it 6 months will provide you with the peace of mind you need to feel like you tried everything, then there is nothing wrong with that. But if you are just DONE - that is 100% ok and you have zero to feel guilty about. This is his fault and his problem, and it is not your responsibility to fix - and you know you can't fix him even if you wanted to.
Our couples counselor has been really good. He recognized very early on what is going on between us, and hasn't minced words with H about anything.
H is in individual counseling, too. I have my doubts about whether he goes often enough or is honest enough with his therapist to get the help he needs. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just that underlying distrust making me feel that way.