I have to actively try to be nice to my husband when he comes home. The hours from 3-5:30 (or 6/7) are usually my hardest after we get Jackson from school... bickering, homework, blah blah. But when he comes in he likes to be all kissy on me and even though I am usually in a bad mood, I try to be nice and not roll my eyes at him. I've been working on it because this winter was rough with all the snow days and kids on my last damn nerve, and there were several times I caught myself giving him my bitchface and being like "DON'T TOUCH ME YOUR SPAWN TORTURED ME ALL DAY!!!"
I don't think it is anything wrong with these husbands complaining; heck if someone asked me ways that my marriage needs improvement I could easily unload too. I think the problem is that we don't communicate our needs enough really.
IDK about that though. I think sometimes the other person isn't receptive to the way in which we communicate. In some cases, that shit should be obvious. If you walk in the door every day and the kids are going effin nuts and I'm tired as hell, do I really have to say that the kids are driving me crazy? And I think many women resent having to spell out in detail what could be see quite easily if you were paying attention.
I also know that my husband tells me I need to tell him things. Well, you know what? I do. I tell him shit all of the time but because I didn't bring it to him in a manner that he things conveys my seriousness, he blows me off. He's gotten much better at this but I really don't feel like I should have to put up a neon sign and use an air horn to get him to see that I'm serious.
Sometimes I think the problem isn't that spouses have trouble saying what they want. It's that spouses have trouble hearing outside of their own perceptions, perceptions that are often skewed because they aren't in tune with their SO's feelings.
This is so so so true.
I have been harping on my H about going to therapy even though we're pretty happy because I want to work on our communication issues. We each take things the other says the total wrong way and just communicate SO differently that I think that our good marriage would be even better if we could just communicate with each other and actually hear what the other is saying. We're both guilty of it too.
All I'm gonna say is DH and I celebrate 7 years on Monday, and I still hesitate to give out any marriage advice to pretty much anybody. Our marriage is literally a second grader, and I wouldn't even trust a 2nd grader with a cell phone.
Post by CallingAllAngels on Mar 28, 2014 9:53:14 GMT -5
I scoffed at many of these when I read them. That's probably a defense mechanism. I bet my husband would have a lot of the same complaints, especially the ones about not having any fun or me being too responsible. I really just want to tell him that our lives are insanely busy, I am constantly overwhelmed and he needs to grow a pair and get over it.
I scoffed at many of these when I read them. That's probably a defense mechanism. I bet my husband would have a lot of the same complaints, especially the ones about not having any fun or me being too responsible. I really just want to tell him that our lives are insanely busy, I am constantly overwhelmed and he needs to grow a pair and get over it.
We probably need therapy.
I love how many of them say moms don't have fun or are too busy being responsible. Their solutions are usually short term and don't involve them stepping up. Like getting a sitter for the night so you can go out as a couple. Okay, nice. But how does that help me get laundry done during the week there, champ and how does taking away a night I could use to do the laundry help?
I scoffed at many of these when I read them. That's probably a defense mechanism. I bet my husband would have a lot of the same complaints, especially the ones about not having any fun or me being too responsible. I really just want to tell him that our lives are insanely busy, I am constantly overwhelmed and he needs to grow a pair and get over it.
We probably need therapy.
i'm in the middle of the "i have no time with my friends!!!!!" argument with H. it's because he doesn't ever make plans with his friends. the 2 times a year he actually does, i'm ALL for it. i'm all for it if he'd actually do it more. but he doesn't, so instead of actually doing something about it his solution is to complain that i go out more with my friends than he does with his.
Post by lasagnasshole on Mar 28, 2014 10:10:08 GMT -5
Re: sex. You know what sucks? Two people whose bodies are on totally different schedules. H would probably do it every morning if he could. Even if mentally I'm all, "I should go with the flow, I'll enjoy it," my body is like, "What the FUCK is going on? Stop it! Stop it! TOO EARLY!!!!" And at night, when I'm up for it, my H could probably fall asleep in the middle. LOL. We're a a horrible mismatch.
Hmmm...DH and I have had our ups and downs in the almost six years of marriage. The first year was pure hell as I was dealing with my mother's death and his brother was in and out jail.
How about through a little of IF in the mix and that will really fuck up your sex life.
DH and I have gotten into ruts and we realize that and talk about it.
I have to actively try to be nice to my husband when he comes home. The hours from 3-5:30 (or 6/7) are usually my hardest after we get Jackson from school... bickering, homework, blah blah. But when he comes in he likes to be all kissy on me and even though I am usually in a bad mood, I try to be nice and not roll my eyes at him. I've been working on it because this winter was rough with all the snow days and kids on my last damn nerve, and there were several times I caught myself giving him my bitchface and being like "DON'T TOUCH ME YOUR SPAWN TORTURED ME ALL DAY!!!"
I really am a bitch sometimes.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
I have to actively try to be nice to my husband when he comes home. The hours from 3-5:30 (or 6/7) are usually my hardest after we get Jackson from school... bickering, homework, blah blah. But when he comes in he likes to be all kissy on me and even though I am usually in a bad mood, I try to be nice and not roll my eyes at him. I've been working on it because this winter was rough with all the snow days and kids on my last damn nerve, and there were several times I caught myself giving him my bitchface and being like "DON'T TOUCH ME YOUR SPAWN TORTURED ME ALL DAY!!!"
I really am a bitch sometimes.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
YES.. your last line is exactly it. Everything is better if I can remain calm and breathe deeply for just a small amount of time. It is difficult to not just unload on him the minute he walks in the door, but I try.
I have to actively try to be nice to my husband when he comes home. The hours from 3-5:30 (or 6/7) are usually my hardest after we get Jackson from school... bickering, homework, blah blah. But when he comes in he likes to be all kissy on me and even though I am usually in a bad mood, I try to be nice and not roll my eyes at him. I've been working on it because this winter was rough with all the snow days and kids on my last damn nerve, and there were several times I caught myself giving him my bitchface and being like "DON'T TOUCH ME YOUR SPAWN TORTURED ME ALL DAY!!!"
I really am a bitch sometimes.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
Exactly. You know what I love? The rare times when he picks up the kids from school. Those days, he is just as cranky and overwhelmed as I usually am. I get all smug and validated.
I have to actively try to be nice to my husband when he comes home. The hours from 3-5:30 (or 6/7) are usually my hardest after we get Jackson from school... bickering, homework, blah blah. But when he comes in he likes to be all kissy on me and even though I am usually in a bad mood, I try to be nice and not roll my eyes at him. I've been working on it because this winter was rough with all the snow days and kids on my last damn nerve, and there were several times I caught myself giving him my bitchface and being like "DON'T TOUCH ME YOUR SPAWN TORTURED ME ALL DAY!!!"
I really am a bitch sometimes.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
So this was my day pre-afternoon nanny. And I am still having trouble with the notion that the issue is the woman needs to foster the atmosphere of awesomeness Despite all of her stresses. Exactly what responsibility does the husband have in all this? It sounds like none.
Yes I am bitter and tired of these articles. In my next life I want to be a man. That shit seems easy yo.
I don't think it is anything wrong with these husbands complaining; heck if someone asked me ways that my marriage needs improvement I could easily unload too. I think the problem is that we don't communicate our needs enough really.
IDK about that though. I think sometimes the other person isn't receptive to the way in which we communicate. In some cases, that shit should be obvious. If you walk in the door every day and the kids are going effin nuts and I'm tired as hell, do I really have to say that the kids are driving me crazy? And I think many women resent having to spell out in detail what could be see quite easily if you were paying attention.
I also know that my husband tells me I need to tell him things. Well, you know what? I do. I tell him shit all of the time but because I didn't bring it to him in a manner that he things conveys my seriousness, he blows me off. He's gotten much better at this but I really don't feel like I should have to put up a neon sign and use an air horn to get him to see that I'm serious.
Sometimes I think the problem isn't that spouses have trouble saying what they want. It's that spouses have trouble hearing outside of their own perceptions, perceptions that are often skewed because they aren't in tune with their SO's feelings.
No, I get that but sometimes it is easier to get wrapped in yourself and not say what you expect or need. I know I have taken on the whole superwoman sans cape thing and when my husband doesn't offer help I get ticked when he is thinking, "rock on with you bad self". Because I have so often asked and then took the reigns. I freely admit that I have trouble asking for help. So I guess I relate to that piece a lot. But when we have done the what I said/what you heard activities it was super eye-opening.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
YES.. your last line is exactly it. Everything is better if I can remain calm and breathe deeply for just a small amount of time. It is difficult to not just unload on him the minute he walks in the door, but I try.
Last night was a bad night. I did not do this. And I might have also yelled "GOD DAMMIT" as leo tried to climb on my lap while we were eating. I had finally sat down and I was starving, but my sweet boy always loves to sit on my lap and eat my food. Then he started to throw a fit, and I am trying to calm that and H freaks out that a knife was nearby and I took it as him accusing me of not parenting correctly so I snap at him. Then he takes his plate and goes to the other room like a baby. Oh and we had just got done with arguing with J about how you can't eat your dinner in a minute then leave the table to watch tv.
It ended with me eating by myself and crying lol. We both realized what we did wrong after a very childish silent treatment.
Also eating as a family with kids under 6 is so fucking over rated. The worst. Who was the jerk who said we had to sit down as a family to eat meals to function correctly. I would like to have a word with that person.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
Exactly. You know what I love? The rare times when he picks up the kids from school. Those days, he is just as cranky and overwhelmed as I usually am. I get all smug and validated.
We have a fight at least once a month where I yell "I would LOOOOVE for you to walk in my shoes for just three days." He has no idea what it feels like.
YES.. your last line is exactly it. Everything is better if I can remain calm and breathe deeply for just a small amount of time. It is difficult to not just unload on him the minute he walks in the door, but I try.
Last night was a bad night. I did not do this. And I might have also yelled "GOD DAMMIT" as leo tried to climb on my lap while we were eating. I had finally sat down and I was starving, but my sweet boy always loves to sit on my lap and eat my food. Then he started to throw a fit, and I am trying to calm that and H freaks out that a knife was nearby and I took it as him accusing me of not parenting correctly so I snap at him. Then he takes his plate and goes to the other room like a baby. Oh and we had just got done with arguing with J about how you can't eat your dinner in a minute then leave the table to watch tv.
It ended with me eating by myself and crying lol. We both realized what we did wrong after a very childish silent treatment.
Also eating as a family with kids under 6 is so fucking over rated. The worst. Who was the jerk who said we had to sit down as a family to eat meals to function correctly. I would like to have a word with that person.
AH YES. Mealtime. My favorite. BUT NOT.
Every night Scarlett says "Mommy I sit by you!" And Jackson torments her that he is going to sit by me instead. And she cries. And I want to scream "I AM RUNNING AWAY." Sometimes I give in to the temptation.
I have also realized biting my tongue for 10 minutes after he gets home does WONDERS for our relationship lol.
It is so hard. The hour between 4-5:30 is the worst time of the day. I am exhausted from work. I pick up two kids at two different locations. I have to hear if they have had bad days or not. Then we get home and the negotiation begins for what tv, what snack etc. They are both tired and hungry. I have to get dinner going. I am also tired and hungry. And then my H just WAAAALTZS in without a worry in the world and i have to do everything inside of me to not spew the frustration and anger I have built up in the last hour lol
I love my kids I swear. And my husband too. I just have to actively work at loving them during that time frame.
So this was my day pre-afternoon nanny. And I am still having trouble with the notion that the issue is the woman needs to foster the atmosphere of awesomeness Despite all of her stresses. Exactly what responsibility does the husband have in all this? It sounds like none.
Yes I am bitter and tired of these articles. In my next life I want to be a man. That shit seems easy yo.
I read an article, but too lazy to google, that suggests when it comes to parenting that women take on more of the time sensitive parenting like the scenerio I listed above and with that comes so much more stress. Bingo, end of story, totally my life
My husband is a very very active parent. But the time sensitive stuff is in large on me and it is really hard.
I feel like this thread is just a big ole therapy session for me lol.
Exactly. You know what I love? The rare times when he picks up the kids from school. Those days, he is just as cranky and overwhelmed as I usually am. I get all smug and validated.
We have a fight at least once a month where I yell "I would LOOOOVE for you to walk in my shoes for just three days." He has no idea what it feels like.
I'm feeling everything you have posted in this thread. I love when DH goes out of town because I feed the kids by themselves and I eat cereal and drink wine after they go to bed. Ahh, so much less stress without a family meal.
eclaires, my kids fight every meal about which chair they get to sit in. It's exhausting. DD always wants to sit in DS's chair. Always. He throws here a bone every once in a while and lets her, but that just makes her want it more the next time. Argh.
I don't know if I could deal with a man who was totally okay with our intimacy being predicated on his blow jobs. It would make me feel like a prostitute or a blow up doll. There are no words for the amount of resentment I would feel. None.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with that, Kore. I can't imagine it.
that last one on the list has only been married for a few months
That might be among the easiest one to solve, though, because the marriage is new.
When we first married, I really struggled to adjust to having someone in my house when I'd come home at night. I was used to coming home to peace and quiet and eating dinner on the sofa and controlling the remote and just having MY space. One day, months after we were married, my husband finally said something to me about coming home grumpy every night. I explained that I needed decompression time. After that, H was better about giving me space when I first got home, and I was better about not being grumpy cat. ETA: in other words, the key was communication because we both had expectations that we hadn't expressed. A lot of the first few years of marriage is simply learning to communicate. H and I are still working on this, frankly.
Yeah, when my husband and I moved in together I was working full time and going to school part time and he was working full time. It was hard to balance the fun stuff we wanted to do together with us both being out of the house 10 hours/day during the week, plus me being out at class until 10pm 1-2 days a week and having school work to do, as well. We RARELY have fights, but one I remember involved me being so frustrated with the work I had to do, and telling him, "You can have ONE day a weekend. I need the other ENTIRE day for my school work." We're pretty good at telling each other now, "I still have 30 minutes of work to finish tonight," or, "I'm going to have to work on a project this weekend. I'll do it while you're out getting your hair cut, and maybe you can go grocery shopping alone. Then we can do that hike/see that movie afterward."
ETA: and what @jlt18 said. There were times when I walked in the door and said, "I was at the library for 8 hours and asked you to clean the house, and the only thing you did was put the beer in the fridge and wash 1 load of laundry?!" Now it's, "okay, we have to clean the bathroom, wash the towels, clean up the kitchen, fold these clothes, and mop the floors."
Anyway, I see most of these complaints as issues with communication and a reminder to always think thoughtfully about the other person in your marriage. That IMO is the "work" that people say relationships entail.
10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?
This drives me nuts. I realize he doesn't get to leave his job at the office and has to do work in the evenings. But if we're having a conversation and he gets a text message from a coworker, he either checks it immediately and hears nothing I say or is sitting there basically biding his time until he can check it, still hearing nothing I say.
THE WORLD WILL NOT END IF YOU WAIT FIVE MINUTES TO CHECK YOUR TEXTS!
I'm checking in to commiserate here. H has a work "crackberry" and spends every waking moment answering emails. It dings every time he gets one, and he has this neurosis about answering them immediately, no matter the time of day (11 pm!!) or what he's doing. It drives me absolutely nuts. The world will not implode if someone has to wait a bit for an email response. I convinced him to turn off the email notifications for a little while, but he turned them back on.
Actually, I'll amend what I said before. Half of marriage, IMO, is communicating honestly with your partner. The other half is biting your tongue when he doesn't clean the bath tub the same way I would because hey, at least I didn't have to do it.
Post by cattledogkisses on Mar 28, 2014 12:00:19 GMT -5
Taking some time to decompress from the workday when we get home does make a difference. Both of our jobs can be pretty stressful, so we make a conscious effort not to bring that stress home and into our relationship. He likes to walk down out back and throw in a fishing line, and that's his little moment of zen. I actually like to cook, so I pour myself a glass of wine, put on some music, and putter around the kitchen while I make dinner. We always ask each other about our days, and sometimes one or both of us will need to vent, but we do it and it's done and we move on and relax together.
If I could just get him to turn off the notifications on his phone, everything would be perfect.
Taking some time to decompress from the workday when we get home does make a difference. Both of our jobs can be pretty stressful, so we make a conscious effort not to bring that stress home and into our relationship. He likes to walk down out back and throw in a fishing line, and that's his little moment of zen. I actually like to cook, so I pour myself a glass of wine, put on some music, and putter around the kitchen while I make dinner. We always ask each other about our days, and sometimes one or both of us will need to vent, but we do it and it's done and we move on and relax together.
If I could just get him to turn off the notifications on his phone, everything would be perfect.
Here's our problem. Both of us need the decompress time. I work from home, he does not. On a good day, I finish work in time to have some me time, and prepare dinner. He can have 10-20 minutes of chill out time when dinner cooks, and we sit and eat together. But on a bad day, I'm still working when he comes in the door. He then gets his decompress time, but rather than chilling out for a few minutes, then starting dinner, he just sits around for longer. So either I have to break focus to tell him what to do and be all naggy, or choose between going straight into dinner mode or eating at 10 at night.
To be fair, sometimes he will ask what he should do, but I really fucking hate having to spell out for him, "cook the meat that is in the fridge, empty the dishwasher, put the breakfast dishes away, and make a salad." Not only should I not have to explain this stuff to him, because hello, it should be obvious, but if I'm still working, I'd really rather not have to break my focus to answer his ridiculous questions, like "do I need to wash the salad greens?", "where does this random item that was in the dishwasher go?" or "should I cook the burgers at 4 minutes a side or 5?"
Constant cell phone/working thing is a problem we both have, but we force ourselves to eat dinner at the table, and are generally both really good about putting phone/internet away while we eat. It definitely makes a difference having 20 minutes of uninterrupted time every day, and I notice when we've gone more than a couple nights without that time.
Last night was a bad night. I did not do this. And I might have also yelled "GOD DAMMIT" as leo tried to climb on my lap while we were eating. I had finally sat down and I was starving, but my sweet boy always loves to sit on my lap and eat my food. Then he started to throw a fit, and I am trying to calm that and H freaks out that a knife was nearby and I took it as him accusing me of not parenting correctly so I snap at him. Then he takes his plate and goes to the other room like a baby. Oh and we had just got done with arguing with J about how you can't eat your dinner in a minute then leave the table to watch tv.
It ended with me eating by myself and crying lol. We both realized what we did wrong after a very childish silent treatment.
Also eating as a family with kids under 6 is so fucking over rated. The worst. Who was the jerk who said we had to sit down as a family to eat meals to function correctly. I would like to have a word with that person.
AH YES. Mealtime. My favorite. BUT NOT.
Every night Scarlett says "Mommy I sit by you!" And Jackson torments her that he is going to sit by me instead. And she cries. And I want to scream "I AM RUNNING AWAY." Sometimes I give in to the temptation.
@@@
BOTH kids sit in H's lap during dinner. I feel so bad for him, but am selfish enough that I don't say anything because I like having no one touch me for 20 minutes. At least the kids are always so sweet and fawn all over him, so it's not like they're fighing in his lap.
Maybe it's because I'm not having any right now and would like to be, but I cannot understand being married and not wanting to get it on with my partner for FIVE YEARS or more. I can get a roommate any old time, I want a mate for the things that are above and beyond what I can get from just hanging out with someone who also pays bills in my house.
I know for me, how attracted I am to my husband, how much I want to bang him goes pretty much hand in hand with his level of involvement in the household. When I feel close to him, feel like I'm getting support from him, when he's not making my life harder than it has to be by being the third child in my house, I get all kinds of giddy feelings for him. When I feel like I'm the only one responsible for everything, the nether regions are like the damned Sahara.
That being said, I think in many households it could be debated that some women handle their families in such a way that there is no room for their husband to pitch in or the nitpick over how it's done and dude says no. Meanwhile, he still wants to do her and she's like fuck you, asshole, I have the dishes to do, errands to run, and your kid is on my last damned nerves.
agreed - stbxh and i RARELY had s3x in the last 2-3 years we were married. after having dd - the perfect storm of me working full time, being dd's primary caretaker at home, taking care of all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and pet stuff - completed sapped my s3x drive. even as she got older - my 12 hr workdays (6a-6p) + the above still sapped me, even when stbxh was home all day. i asked for him to pitch in more and it fell on deaf ears. i wasn't in the mood for s3x if i was one who had to do literally EVERYTHING.
Post by irishbride2 on Mar 28, 2014 12:36:22 GMT -5
On the flip side, I had to explain to H that when he takes his time to get in the house, It makes me ragey. I know it sounds nuts to him, but my god don't pull in the garage and then sit on the phone for 20 minutes. Once I hear the garage go up, I think "FREEEEDOM!!!!" Then if I sit there and have to hold it together for 20 more minutes, it is torture. TORTURE!