I always say that being spoiled doesn't automatically make you a brat .
LOL, I always say this, too!
The only thing I think is really negative is that I just really like being alone and I like a lot of quiet and down time. That is a hard thing for me to give up now with a family. I'm always looking for ways to get alone time and I wish I wasn't like that.
I like alone time too. I took up running a couple years ago and thank goodness for my mom, the babysitter . I am always at panera or Starbucks reading, and in the summer I go to the pool by myself one afternoon a week. It's necessary for my sanity!
Our situation is different because DS does have bio siblings, but he is being raised as an only child. He knows he has brothers, but their relationship is basically like cousins who see each other every couple of months.
There was never any question about having another child, since we had planned to have none. However, we still get questions all the time about when we will have another. My short answer is that I'm 40; it's not happening.
With that said, I love having one child, especially now that he is much more independent. Only one schedule to juggle, one set of issues to deal with, one kid to worry about getting sick and having to take time off, etc. Also, since DH works every weekend, we can pretty much do whatever I/we want to at this point - I don't have to referee fights or make kids take turns with choices. It's just easier this way.
And, of course, financially one is much easier. That is definitely a major consideration.
Post by shopgirl07 on Apr 18, 2014 14:47:25 GMT -5
My son is my only child, his Dad has 3 other children so he does have half siblings. He's not particularly close to them though. My son is 22 this month and he's happy as a clam. He has a good life, I have a good life, everyone's happy.
Post by indianchica on Apr 18, 2014 14:55:34 GMT -5
I am an only. My situation is different from most bc I have no relatives in this country. DH is not close to most of his relatives (and therefore neither am I). So we have my parents, our kids and that's it. It was terribly lonely growing up and it is terribly lonely now. I would never wish it on anyone, to be honest. The thought of caring for my remaining parent after one passes is also a major consideration, since there isn't anyone else it could possibly fall to. I have always hated being an only child. I'm sorry - that's probably not what you wanted to read.
And I had to have an imaginary friend, born from a rock on a string. (I lost the rock, then lost the string so it morphed into NoNae - short for No Name). Don't make your kid have a rock friend, dude.
Post by irishbride2 on Apr 18, 2014 15:06:14 GMT -5
See I think some of my friends who have sibling are more selfish as a result of having to fight for time aNd resources. So they still fight for those things and learned they have to self advocate.
i am not an only. both my h and i come from 3 child families. we are 100% oad. it is not a choice i take lightly but feel very confident about.
-i generally like kids but did not want to spend so many years pregnant and caring for infants.
-yes i have more time for L but i am also selfish and want more time for me.
-i am such an introvert that i honestly could not handle being around 2 kids all the time.
sometimes i think we would be the best of friends, in that "let's hang out in separate rooms and not talk but just be near each other" type of way. lol.
once i had kids i never realized how being an only left me sheltered and selfish and unprepared for having a person depend on you for everything all the time, and wanting to touch you and be with you and not shut up. it was an adjustment. i would imagine sharing issues would be conquered sooner than the birth of your first kid.
I'm 1 of 4, but I think this could be said about me.
I love my sisters, but I'm not really close to any of them and I don't really want to be. The twins are close to each other in their own way, but I wouldn't say any of us considers another her best friend.
I'm also an introvert and have a lot of difficulty some days with DD because of it. I don't really have a lot of friends because I just can't handle it. When I get time to be away from DD, the last thing I want is to deal with other people. I just want to enjoy the quiet and read a book without being interrupted. It's part of why I went from wanting a lot of kids to totally okay with OAD. And, actually, I think my sisters might feel the same. One is done with 2, another is OAD like me, and the other is considering child-free.
Like I said, DD is an only. I constantly hear from her teachers, caregivers, and other parents how sweet she is, how responsible, how great she is with other kids. She has no problem sharing. Actually, today she shared her Egg Hunt bounty with two other kids without even be prompted. She's as selfish as any normal 4 year old right now, but I think that's more her age than her lack of siblings.
Being OAD frees up the finances. DD is involved in way more activities than she would be if we had even one more kid. It lets her socialize to her heart's content, while doing what's best for our family number wise. It also means that we get to really focus on our relationship with her in the hopes that neither of us will run out of things to talk to her about after she's 10.
If you want more kids, have more kids. Being OAD won't automatically deprive her of any awesome bonds or make her selfish. Either way, you'll figure it out and be awesome.
Post by RoxMonster on Apr 18, 2014 15:13:46 GMT -5
I'm an only. I'll be honest--when I was little (like elementary age), I wished for a sibling because we lived in a neighborhood with no kids my age, and I got bored, especially in the summer. I will say I was fortunate enough to spend summers with my grandparents and they were/are AWESOME and did SO MUCH fun stuff with me that I didn't often miss playing with other kids, and they did put me in day camps and classes at the Y, etc. But I was still a little jealous of other people who had built-in playmates with siblings.
But once I got to junior high and older, I didn't care and even enjoyed being an only. My parents were not wealthy and with more than one kid, we couldn't have taken family vacations ever or gone to fun things on the weekend or had cool birthday parties for me. Those are not the most important things in life, of course, but I got some neat experiences growing up that I couldn't have had with siblings for financial reasons. Once I was in HS and working and could drive to meet up with friends, it was a total non-issue and honestly, my friends complained about their siblings so much, I was glad to not have them.
As an adult, I do envy some of my friends' relationships with siblings. I think that would be a neat bond to have. Of course, having a sibling doesn't mean you'll get a good one or one you have a good relationship with.
In short, I don't feel like I missed out on important things being an only, and when we thought we wanted kids (we now decided we want to be child-free), we had discussed that we wanted only one.
I'm also an introvert and have a lot of difficulty some days with DD because of it. I don't really have a lot of friends because I just can't handle it.
See, this is me but I feel like it's BECAUSE I'm an only. Some of it is just my personality in general, but I definitely feel like it was made more extreme because of my isolation. I never really learned how to realate to people, I guess.
Post by open24hours on Apr 18, 2014 15:21:55 GMT -5
I am an only and I have never had a problem with it. I never wondered what it would be like to have a sibling. Part if me thinks I would have really hated it.
As an adult, it is a little difficult dealing with aging parents. My father is an only for all intents and purposes and it was difficult for him to manage his mom's end of life care. That's going to be me someday but that doesn't make me wish I had a sibling. Plus, even I did have a sibling, there is no guarantee their would be help. H has a brother and all if the support to his mom has come from us.
I'm also an introvert and have a lot of difficulty some days with DD because of it. I don't really have a lot of friends because I just can't handle it.
See, this is me but I feel like it's BECAUSE I'm an only. Some of it is just my personality in general, but I definitely feel like it was made more extreme because of my isolation. I never really learned how to realate to people, I guess.
That's my point though, I don't think it really has anything to do with siblings. You're either an introvert and struggle with it, or you aren't and you don't. I don't think being an only causes anyone to be an introvert though.
If you (general) do OAD, as long as you give your kid ample time to socialize with other kids, I think things will be fine.
I really, really wish I had a sibling. Especially now that I'm older. But lots of people love being only's.
Ditto this.
I also think I put an unusual amount of pressure on myself. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with being an only child or if I am just mentally tapped. My parents always expected me to do well but I think I have always had the mindset that I'm the "only one" and if I screw up there's no one else to be the star child. I'm it for them. It's really odd that I'm entering my late 20s and I still think this way.
Overall, being an only child isn't a terrible thing. The one thing I will say is that people will always assume an only child is spoiled rotten. That irks me.
Yes! It can certainly be true sometimes, or to varying extents, but it is not a given like people assume it is. In fact, I would venture to say that my parents were particularly careful to make sure they DIDN'T spoil me, since they knew it could be easy to get carried away. I was usually one of the last of my friends to have the "latest" toy or gadget, my parents were fairly strict with rules....I was definitely far from spoiled in many ways.
My husband is an only and it's never really bothered him. It is interesting when I see him make decisions or form opinions that I think would be different if he had siblings. I do worry about him as his parents age - he's all they've got and I know he worries about them too.
On the other hand, I've got an older brother. We're not all that close, though our relationship has improved a lot as we get older. I often think I would have been just fine as an only child (i.e. my life was not really enhanced all that much by having a sibling), but I do think my life would be A LOT different now. For instance, I doubt I would have gone to college across the country, let alone settled down for good on the opposite coast.
I'm in the same place as you and have literally written this same list of pros/cons. W is 3 now, and IF we were to TTC, he and his sibling would have at least a 4.5 year age difference.
I know he'll be fine if he's an only, but I still worry things could be better if he had a sibling. He's pretty extroverted and thrives around other kids, even babies, so I know he'd love having another little person around. And although he has cousins, they're all older than him (the ones in town are 13-19, and he has 9 year old twin cousins in VA). Also, quite frankly, they're not exactly the type I can see being good support for him later down the road. I don't know if my sister will have kids. My sister and I aren't talk every day BFFs, but we'd drop anything to be there for each other. I can't imagine having gone through my mom's passing without her.
I'm no help, lol, just having a brain dump of my own thoughts on the subject. Like I said, I'm sure my kid and yours will be fine no matter what, and if we are OAD we don't owe an explanation to anyone (can you tell I deal with that a lot too? ha)
I really, really wish I had a sibling. Especially now that I'm older. But lots of people love being only's.
I'm here.
I have a great relationship with both parents, had a great childhood. Nothing to complain about. But...the older I get, the more cognizant I am of my parents' mortality. And how much one or the other will depend solely on me should the other pass. And it would be nice to have another person to share our particular kind of crazy with!
I have H to help with most of the getting older stuff, but he'll always be a little removed because he didn't grow up in it.
All that said, in your situation, I'd have the same doubts as you on having a second. I honestly think I'd stop at one in your shoes.
I could have TOTALLY been a one and done person. I obviously can not imagine a life without the addition of Leo, but I am also jealous of the one and done crowd lol.
I think for the most part, people with strong opinions on this subject are making the "correlation implying causation" error. People have all kinds of desirable and undesirable and neutral traits, and I really think that none of them have to do with being an only sibling or not. Maybe the presence of (or lack of) siblings creates environments where some things are more likely, but there is just no guarantee of anything. How people become who they are is so complex, it's silliness to try to simplify it so much.
As for my own personal experience - my husband and I both have siblings (I have two, he has one), and our experiences are kind of swapped. As a child I often longed to be an only, I cherished moments when I got to be alone. I was an introvert and still am. We fought all.the.time like cats a dogs. As adults we've become very close and we are best friends and I can't imagine not having them.
For my husband, he and his sister were like a Norman Rockwell painting growing up - they were sweet to one another and played with each other and got along perfectly. As an adult, his sister has struggled with a lot of issues, has made a lot of selfish decisions, and it's created so much difficulty and pain for the whole family, especially his parents. He hates seeing how tortured they are, how much they stress over her and try to help her, and she is destructive and abusive and breaks everyone's hearts over and over. He loves her still of course, but life would be much easier for him as an adult if he were an only child.
Post by theintended on Apr 18, 2014 20:45:59 GMT -5
I have an only child! Money, freedom and space are our top reasons for sticking to one. Both of us often have twinges of wanting a baby, but overall really love having a school-aged kid and couldn't imagine going back to diapers, etc. It was painful when she talked about wanting a sibling (around age 3) but now forbids us from having another. lol
I think either way would have its benefits, but we're sticking with what we know is going well for us.
It's a tough decision, for sure. Good luck, farmer!
I was an only for 9 1/2 years and to be honest, I never wanted a sibling. Sometimes it's a blessing but mostly our relationship is exhausting. Like others have said there is no guarantee that your children will be close as adults. I am my fathers only child which comes with it's own challenges as far as being the only one to take care of him as he ages.
Post by mrsjuleshs on Apr 18, 2014 21:52:38 GMT -5
Dd is an only on my side (2 older step sisters and a little brother on her dads side) but she rarely sees them. In fact we ran into her step mom and sisters a few weeks ago at the mall and hung out for a few hours but she hasn't spent any other time with them since October. She LOVES being an only child here because she is afforded more one on one time with both Dh and I and we can afford to pay for her immensely expensive sport. The 3 of us are crazy close and can't imagine adding another kid. I worry about her as we get older and hate that she will basically go through our demise alone but hopefully she will be married with children and be surrounded by great friends and she has a TON of cousins so that is a plus.
I would kill for a sibling that I was close to (in age - my sister is 17 years younger than me,lol)
I am so freaking glad we had a second kid. Watching them together and raising them together is the most amazing thing.
That just my opinion though.
I've said this before, but if I could guarantee my kids would get along like yours do, I would have two in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, my experience with my sister was not like that at all and we don't get along. I love her, but I would never, ever have a relationship with someone like her if we weren't related. We didn't play together, fought a lot. I was definitely mean to her. She annoys the crap out of me and always has.
I love the idea of our kids having each other and there being that level of support, but I just don't know if that's worth taking a chance on given my own experiences.
I know I would never regret having a second, but I don't know if I necessarily want that for our family.
Being an only was very lonely for me growing up. I always wished I had siblings. I feel I lack the social skills you gain from having siblings. On the other hand, I excelled with being an independent person. Having just had my 2nd DD, I simply adore the bond that they have together. This is something I didn't expect or think about ahead of time. I only feared jealousy issues.
I'd love a 2nd child but I just don't think it's in the cards for us for a variety of reasons. It sort of makes me sad but at the same time I like that we can better prepare for things with just C. Like, a lot of people are concerned about an only having to deal with aging parents all alone. But, with just one child we can better secure our own future and hopefully not shift any burden to her.
As for her being alone once we're gone, I think it is our job to begin fostering relationships with friends and extended family immediately. Just because she won't have a sibling doesn't mean she can't have sibling-like relationships.
Instead of being sad about being OAD, I'm adopting the attitude of why mess with perfection??
Being an only was very lonely for me growing up. I always wished I had siblings. I feel I lack the social skills you gain from having siblings. On the other hand, I excelled with being an independent person. Having just had my 2nd DD, I simply adore the bond that they have together. This is something I didn't expect or think about ahead of time. I only feared jealousy issues.
I had 2 sisters, little neighborhood friends, etc. and I was painfully shy with terrible social skills for a really long time. Being an awkward late bloomer had nothing to do with my family unit, some of us are just like that, man!