mixed feelings about card from ILs

[Wrath0fKuus]

You know, the actual name on the mail doesn't matter that much; it still gets delivered either way.

I don't say this to mean that you should let it go. What I mean is that you should start addressing cards to them with your last name tacked on to the end of theirs, as though they took your name when you married their son. Because, you know, you're all a family, and should have the same last name. Be sure that the return address is also Mrs. and Mr. Yourlastname.

[Odonata]

May 6, 2014 16:38:57 GMT -5 iamali said:

May 6, 2014 16:08:26 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Make the baby's middle name your maiden name. Will drive them apepoop.

Or hypenate!  Smith-Jones.


OP - my mom always addresses cards to "Mrs. AliHubby AliHubbyLastname". I tend to agree it's an older person thing.  I try not to take everything as a personal slight against me.

I don't and there are plenty of people who address me as Mrs. H's Lastname because that's more traditional.  Actually, my uncle just sent me something with his last name and all the wedding invites we've gotten had his last name on mine as well.  But it's been a really big thing with the IL's so it's not like an old fashioned thing and that's what's got me BLAH about the card.  It's a disrespect thing.  

[Wrath0fKuus]

May 6, 2014 16:41:46 GMT -5 Odonata said:

May 6, 2014 16:38:34 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Is it really that weird to introduce your brother's wife as your brother's wife...?

No, it's not. But it's hard to explain...it's the way he does it.  

I guess I can say that it's something I've noticed over the past three years - I've never once heard him say SIL.  So I brought it up in passing like *laugh* so hey, you can just say SIL and not "brother's wife", you know!" *laugh* silly....

And that's when I was told I'm not his SIL b/c of my last name.   :?

But whatever, BIL is just as much of an ass as his parents.  He's said a few doozies to me that has me pretty much seeing him as a person I'm obligated to be around at family gatherings.  The same with MIL and FIL.  I LOVE BIL's GF, though.  And she sticks up for me when they bash me when DH and I aren't around, which I hear happens often.  

Like Cotton on King of the Hill calling Peggy "Hankswife"?

[iamali]

May 6, 2014 16:43:56 GMT -5 Odonata said:

May 6, 2014 16:38:57 GMT -5 iamali said:

Or hypenate!  Smith-Jones.


OP - my mom always addresses cards to "Mrs. AliHubby AliHubbyLastname". I tend to agree it's an older person thing.  I try not to take everything as a personal slight against me.

I don't and there are plenty of people who address me as Mrs. H's Lastname because that's more traditional.  Actually, my uncle just sent me something with his last name and all the wedding invites we've gotten had his last name on mine as well.  But it's been a really big thing with the IL's so it's not like an old fashioned thing and that's what's got me BLAH about the card.  It's a disrespect thing.  

Ok dude.

If this is your hill to die on, so be it.  You being up in arms about it will only further their cause. If you just laugh it off or don't say anything they'll see they aren't getting to you.

[Odonata]

May 6, 2014 16:43:50 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Odonata, tell them that you guys understand how affected they are by you two not sharing the same name.. so after much discussion, your H has decided to take your last name. Keep up the ruse as long as possible.

Weellllll, that won't work.  The thing is, H wasn't all too happy AT FIRST when I told him I never intended to change my last name (this was before the crazies found out).

So this was my argument to HIM.  I asked him why MY name had so much importance to him and he said "because when we have kids I would love that we all have the same last name.  It's not a matter of ownership or anything".

So I countered with "great!  so then take my last name and we'll be set!"

And ever since H has been OK with me keeping my last name and has supported me on it (though I know secretly he would have liked if I changed it, but it's not a deal breaker for him at all)

I'm not sure if he will be on board for that ruse, though I love the idea!

[Odonata]

May 6, 2014 16:44:42 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

May 6, 2014 16:41:46 GMT -5 Odonata said:

No, it's not. But it's hard to explain...it's the way he does it.  

I guess I can say that it's something I've noticed over the past three years - I've never once heard him say SIL.  So I brought it up in passing like *laugh* so hey, you can just say SIL and not "brother's wife", you know!" *laugh* silly....

And that's when I was told I'm not his SIL b/c of my last name.   :?

But whatever, BIL is just as much of an ass as his parents.  He's said a few doozies to me that has me pretty much seeing him as a person I'm obligated to be around at family gatherings.  The same with MIL and FIL.  I LOVE BIL's GF, though.  And she sticks up for me when they bash me when DH and I aren't around, which I hear happens often.  

Like Cotton on King of the Hill calling Peggy "Hankswife"?

LOL, yes, kinda like that.  haha.  It's totally distancing himself from me.  Which is fine, he's an asshole in so many other ways I'm cool with it at this point.

[ECB]

May 6, 2014 15:55:27 GMT -5 livinitup said:

* And PS: You will always win this one. Because it's YOUR name to choose. They will never be right, no matter how many cards they address. You will always. be. right.

Yup! 

[sparkythelawyer]

I'd have to force myself to not write her a thank you note and address it to Mrs. Annoying Maidenname. I mean, if we're addressing things however the sender feels is right, yes?

I wouldn't actually do this. But man, I'd want to :-)

[Odonata]

May 6, 2014 16:48:34 GMT -5 Que? said:

Kill them with kindness. Lay it on thick. It's the best, and only way to deal with this particular brand of passive aggressive bitch. My MIL could have written the book, and while I avoid her at all costs, in her presence, I will e dammed if I ever let her ruffle my feathers.

She wants to get to you, so that you complain about the card, and she can say 'see? *I* was trying, she's crazy'. I would thank her profusely for the card and go overboard about how thoughtful it was. Then sit back and watch the confusion turn to anger. My MIL would mope and then cause a scene, maybe yours is more of a crier? Something will happen though, and you will enjoy it. Trust me.

O M G she's a crier.  And a martyr.    And she LOVES to ruffle people's feathers. It's like she gets off on it.  And she loves gossip and drama.  Actually (not sure if you saw in a previous response they "called us over" and gave us a "talking to" about not stopping by often) I got up and walked out of that meeting they had with us but didn't say anything to BIL's GF, with whom I'm close.  We chit chat about her craziness all the time but I felt that this was an issue with MIL, DH, and I and not the business of anyone else's. After I walked out I never heard anything from her, not a phone call, nothing.

So a month later GF and I were out for a drink and she finally asked "so what happened?" and I found out she only knew because the next day MIL called her to see if I had said anything at all.  GF said she had no clue what MIL was talking about.   Then MIL said "well, just to let you know, there was a little tiff and so if she calls and tells you anything, you call me, OK?"  So, you can see, this is her hobby.  And she's good at it.  Drama drama drama

That's why I'm thankful I can come on here and bitch/complain about this and commiserate with others about crazy ILs b/c then I can act cool around her.  Because, let's face it, I get pissed and need to get it out somewhere.  And it can in no way be in front of her.  I guess the name thing may not seem like a big issue, but do know it is compiled with a TON of shit over the years.  

But you're right - I saw it right away - If I complain even the slightest about the name, she'll throw in my face how she was trying to be nice.  That's also why I can't have H say anything.  Because it will be "oh, I forgot" and then she'll start crying about how ungrateful we are.  

[Buttercup]

Is it possible your husband is still bothered by you not taking his name? Maybe he's mentioned it to his parents? Maybe they think they are sticking up for him in some twisted way.

[speckledfrog]

It's shitty of them, that's for sure. That being said, you have some sort of drama or dilemma almost daily.

[CajunShrimp]

As much as I would want to go nuts on her, just smile and keep signing every card with your real name. And remember that by just doing this, you will make her crazy. You get to be the bigger person, and she shows herself to be the BSC wingbat she is. She will be the one losing sleep, not you.

[simplyinpenguin]

The only mail I accept with my H's last name on it is from his parents, as they do not know that I kept my maiden name. They would've flipped out a lot more than the time when we announced to them "hell no to a Catholic wedding since you're not paying for it". My parents and aunt try to goad me by addressing my mail as Mrs. (Penguin) H's Last Name. I have no problems writing "return to sender, no such person exists" or mailing a thank you card with the return address having my Maiden name in big block letters (that's my passive-aggressiveness there).

[catwithspots]

May 6, 2014 16:08:26 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Make the baby's middle name your maiden name. Will drive them apepoop.

That's what I did!

DD is First Name/Middle Name/ My Last Name/ H's Last Name

She is regal with a double middle

I kept my name as well.

[Odonata]

May 6, 2014 17:10:12 GMT -5 catwithspots said:

May 6, 2014 16:08:26 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Make the baby's middle name your maiden name. Will drive them apepoop.

That's what I did!

DD is First Name/Middle Name/ My Last Name/ H's Last Name

She is regal with a double middle

I kept my name as well.

That's how they do names in some cultures, right?  My friend is Portuguese and his name is First name/Mom's maiden name/Father's last name 

[Saint Monica]

I would assume this is an OPP (old people problem - they don't/won't get it).

[catwithspots]

May 6, 2014 17:17:20 GMT -5 Odonata said:

May 6, 2014 17:10:12 GMT -5 catwithspots said:

That's what I did!

DD is First Name/Middle Name/ My Last Name/ H's Last Name

She is regal with a double middle

I kept my name as well.

That's how they do names in some cultures, right?  My friend is Portuguese and his name is First name/Mom's maiden name/Father's last name 

Yes, very common in certain cultures.  I could have used that as my reason, however, it was more for me to pass down my name. I have a very small family and my last name would end with me and my sisters.  I retained mine and wanted DD to have that connection.

My ILs were hurt as well when I did not take their name.  My side was not surprise at all, LOL.  Now my maternal grandfather is the most concerned! This was way out of normal workings for him!

[dirtyred]

Instead of my inlaws, it's my own parents that do this shit to me because I didn't change my name when I got married.

[aussiecrush]

I feel your pain. My in laws used to make a big deal of the fact that they didn't want me to have their family name. After we were married they'd still send things with my maiden name on it. It started when we we dating, making a big deal that I wasn't part of the family, didn't share their name. Eventually it was easy to let that slide because that was just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

[berbles]

My grandmother always addresses things to my maiden name. I think she just doesn't know how to spell my married name, lol.

I haven't (and probably won't) change my name back. I'm too lazy.

[bonquiqui]

Life is too short. Don't worry about it

[bonquiqui]

May 6, 2014 17:51:46 GMT -5 berbles said:

My grandmother always addresses things to my maiden name. I think she just doesn't know how to spell my married name, lol.

I haven't (and probably won't) change my name back. I'm too lazy.

High five. I can't be bothered lol

[berbles]

May 6, 2014 17:55:29 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

May 6, 2014 17:51:46 GMT -5 berbles said:

My grandmother always addresses things to my maiden name. I think she just doesn't know how to spell my married name, lol.

I haven't (and probably won't) change my name back. I'm too lazy.

High five. I can't be bothered lol

Well, and also, I'm fucking fabulous, so I'm definitely going to remarry soon enough, RIGHT!?!

[janegold]

My mom kept her maiden name and my paternal grandmother addressed all correspondence to her using my dad's last name until the day she died - 35 years or so. It was passive aggressive for sure, but luckily I don't think my mom was ever subject to the type of rude and cruel comments made by your ILs. Anyway, I'd let the letter thing go but continue to shut the comments right down.

[janegold]

Oh man aussiecrush, I think that's even worse. What terrible people.

[aussiecrush]

May 6, 2014 18:13:32 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

May 6, 2014 17:50:07 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

I feel your pain. My in laws used to make a big deal of the fact that they didn't want me to have their family name. After we were married they'd still send things with my maiden name on it. It started when we we dating, making a big deal that I wasn't part of the family, didn't share their name. Eventually it was easy to let that slide because that was just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

I'm "liking" this not because it's funny, but because it's just AMAZING what people will do to their families. I'd love to trade stories one day, lol my MIL is a peach. 

When I saw you liked it I knew exactly why. I can't top the table tray in the hall story but I have some doozies. Thankfully they are no longer a concern, after shoving me while I was pregnant I will never have to see them again. It sad to say that it was a relief my MIL went that far.

[bonquiqui]

May 6, 2014 18:00:19 GMT -5 berbles said:

May 6, 2014 17:55:29 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

High five. I can't be bothered lol

Well, and also, I'm fucking fabulous, so I'm definitely going to remarry soon enough, RIGHT!?!

That was my thought. Ain't nobody got time to change shit twice

[Odonata]

May 6, 2014 17:34:02 GMT -5 dirtyred said:

Instead of my inlaws, it's my own parents that do this shit to me because I didn't change my name when I got married.

Damn. I'm sorry. That makes even less sense to me. I mean what is it to them? At least I can *kinda* see how my ILs can have an issue.

[snickers]

I can see why you are annoyed!
My ILS do passive aggressive shit too, ugh!