As to paternity, that has nothing to do w this situation at all. I get that you probably added it in just to show brother's behavior pattern but I kind of bristle at the implication that he can't/shouldn't be stepping up to parent the kid if it's not his biologically.
I never implied that he shouldn't step up. In fact I'm surprised he's not taking more responsibility for the baby because, you know, he's planning on not being at the hospital at a very important time.
But do you get why people are bristling at the fact that you keep calling your NEPHEW "it" or "the baby?" He's part of your family now, whether you believe he's blood related or not. I'm judging too, if they're leaving the hospital during his surgery. But I'm also judging YOU for the way you are talking about your nephew.
Post by hopecounts on Jun 18, 2014 14:56:55 GMT -5
Did he say what the RE diagnosed his IF as? If it was simply low counts he wouldn't be the first man to unexpectedly get someone pregnant when he was technically IF based on counts. It's a long shot but it certainly happens enough that it is a reasonable possibility.
It irks me hard when people refer to babies as "it". They are not an it, they are a boy, a girl, a baby, a niece, a nephew, a child, a baby, their first name.
I never implied that he shouldn't step up. In fact I'm surprised he's not taking more responsibility for the baby because, you know, he's planning on not being at the hospital at a very important time.
But do you get why people are bristling at the fact that you keep calling your NEPHEW "it" or "the baby?" He's part of your family now, whether you believe he's blood related or not. I'm judging too, if they're leaving the hospital during his surgery. But I'm also judging YOU for the way you are talking about your nephew.
I understand my mistake in using "it." I was using "the baby" because "he" could easily make the sentences confusing when I was referring to my brother also in the same sentence/thought. I don't want to use the real name here.
Did he say what the RE diagnosed his IF as? If it was simply low counts he wouldn't be the first man to unexpectedly get someone pregnant when he was technically IF based on counts. It's a long shot but it certainly happens enough that it is a reasonable possibility.
And technically, even if he had been 'snipped' on purpose, V's can fail and you can still get someone pregnant. The good news is the brother is stepping up and taking responsibility whether the baby is his or not. The bad news is he's being an irresponsible douche by not being at the hospital. I would think the hospital would require one of the consenting parents to be there and he's just clueless as that fact.
Post by littlesthobo on Jun 18, 2014 15:17:49 GMT -5
Well, my brother judged me for a lot of stuff I did when DS was in NICU/PICU and I still kind of fucking hate him for it 3 years later. I don't think it's a great idea, but I also don't know what this prep involves so I have a hard time being outraged.
Post by hopecounts on Jun 18, 2014 15:18:49 GMT -5
Oh and I think they are going to be surprised when they get the pre-op info and are told a parent has to be on the premises during the surgery. I've yet to hear of a hospital that didn't require a parent to be there for surgery on a minor so I doubt this is actually going to happen.
Post by autumnfire on Jun 18, 2014 15:54:10 GMT -5
I wonder if this is out of shock? I haven't read comments past page 1 but this is what came to mind. A way for them to get their minds off of this sad situation? Sometimes, we do crazy things when faced with rather shitty situations . Would I be there for my daughter if she had surgery like this? Yes. If they allowed me in the OR I'd suit up at least I think i would. but then again I'm just not sure how I'd react if I was put into this specific situation of such a major surgery. I can speculate till the cows come home. But until faced with the reality and the emotional impact I'm not sure how my mind and body would respond. I know when we faced DD possibly needing surgery to remove a lump on her head I always said we'd be there and we would have should they have gone through with the surgery. Biting my nails every minute that passed while she was in surgery. Honestly, part of me would want to sleep so I could make time seem like it went by faster to the time she was out.
Is your BIL normally like this or is this behavior out of character?
Post by hopecounts on Jun 18, 2014 16:30:48 GMT -5
Thinking about this more, could they be lying about when the surgery is because they know you and your family aren't 100% supportive of this baby so don't want y'all around or calling? Maybe the surgery is actually before that and they have a later appointment for looking at houses and didn't want questions if they were seen out and about.
Thinking about this more, could they be lying about when the surgery is because they know you and your family aren't 100% supportive of this baby so don't want y'all around or calling? Maybe the surgery is actually before that and they have a later appointment for looking at houses and didn't want questions if they were seen out and about.
No I was at the NICU when the surgeon came by and said surgery is Thursday. Nice reaching there.
I find it hard to judge as well. I can't judge others that have a child/family member in a situation in regards to something medical.
I am not there and I have no idea what I would do so I feel like I can't judge. I work in the medical field and I have seen a wide variety of responses all to the same/similar situations.
When I was born my parents had to make some hard decisions in regards to being close to me while being in surgery. My dad chose to be with my mom and my (twin) sister as oppose to coming straight to the hospital I was being transferred to. They were both fine, both healthy. He was not allowed in the plane with me when I was flown to a town 4 hours (driving) away, so he chose to stay with them. It's not like he would even have been able to see me at that time.
@susan3589- does that make my dad a horrible father? She wanted to see her son, if one of your children is in a fragile state wouldn't you want to make sure the other one is ok? (Even if they are with the other parent.)
I don't judge people who act differently in a sitution than I would.
Have you ever had a baby in the NICU? That shit is hard as fuck to face. :/
I certainly didn't go house hunting (that is odd), but I did leave my children in the NICU. There were only certain hours that I could even be in the same room as them, and I had just had major surgery on top of 5 months of bed rest. My hormones were out of whack, and I needed the rest, too. It sucked all around.
I find it hard to judge as well. I can't judge others that have a child/family member in a situation in regards to something medical.
I am not there and I have no idea what I would do so I feel like I can't judge. I work in the medical field and I have seen a wide variety of responses all to the same/similar situations.
When I was born my parents had to make some hard decisions in regards to being close to me while being in surgery. My dad chose to be with my mom and my (twin) sister as oppose to coming straight to the hospital I was being transferred to. They were both fine, both healthy. He was not allowed in the plane with me when I was flown to a town 4 hours (driving) away, so he chose to stay with them. It's not like he would even have been able to see me at that time.
@susan3589- does that make my dad a horrible father? She wanted to see her son, if one of your children is in a fragile state wouldn't you want to make sure the other one is ok? (Even if they are with the other parent.)
This is pretty different than the scenario we're talking about.
I know it is but that last part was for Susan as she said she was judging her Hs ex for doing the same thing as I mentioned above.
Post by mariafromnj on Jun 18, 2014 17:29:03 GMT -5
I love the excuses being made for this couple. I love that other people can't believe people would do this and that the OP must be lying or leaving something out. Sadly there are plenty of F'ed up people out there. Every time I watch the news there is proof that people do shit that blows your mind. I love that someone says I don't believe it because people don't do this type of thing. Really, people do all sorts of messed up crap to kids. It is really sad.
I love the excuses being made for this couple. I love that other people can't believe people would do this and that the OP must be lying or leaving something out. Sadly there are plenty of F'ed up people out there. Every time I watch the news there is proof that people do shit that blows your mind. I love that someone says I don't believe it because people don't do this type of thing. Really, people do all sorts of messed up crap to kids. It is really sad.
I love that you are apparently a know -it-all and have all the facts and there by are qualified to make an unbiased opinion.
Post by Captain Serious on Jun 18, 2014 17:35:25 GMT -5
Having been in this situation, I am nauseous just thinking of not being there during the surgery. I would have killed someone who told me I had to leave while M was under. What if something happened, and they needed us for consent or something?!?
I love the excuses being made for this couple. I love that other people can't believe people would do this and that the OP must be lying or leaving something out. Sadly there are plenty of F'ed up people out there. Every time I watch the news there is proof that people do shit that blows your mind. I love that someone says I don't believe it because people don't do this type of thing. Really, people do all sorts of messed up crap to kids. It is really sad.
I love that you are apparently a know -it-all and have all the facts and there by are qualified to make an unbiased opinion.
I don't but neither do you. I am going on what was actually posted and not making up shit to defend some dude I don't know.
How do you know things are different from what was posted?
Post by thecatinthehat on Jun 18, 2014 17:45:44 GMT -5
I get that being in the NICU is stressful but this baby is 3 days old! It is not like he has been in the NICU for weeks--well lets take a break and look at houses! I've had two surgeries/procedures done in my late 20s and someone had to be there the whole time (including prep time!). That poor poor boy
Thinking about this more, could they be lying about when the surgery is because they know you and your family aren't 100% supportive of this baby so don't want y'all around or calling? Maybe the surgery is actually before that and they have a later appointment for looking at houses and didn't want questions if they were seen out and about.
This does not make it better. M was in so much pain after his surgery, they couldn't control it with meds. They kept coming into the room and moving him every 15 minutes or do for tests and monitoring procedures. It was the worst day/night of my life, and he needed me as his advocate, because they were afraid of trying different pain medications. As SueSue said, I almost wanted to kill the "pain team" doctors, who refused to prescribe more pain medication and then had the audacity to look at me pityingly and say they wished they could do something to help M because it was clear nothing (including his epidural) was working. I could not imagine not being there during those crucial hours.
Post by themoneytree on Jun 18, 2014 19:55:01 GMT -5
I would also judge this.
Also before my kid was born I called her 'it' as well. No idea why, but we both did. I also called her 'the baby' and I still sometimes call her 'the kid', 'mischief', 'kiddo', or whatever.
I'm just thinking, the closest I came to really killling someone was when ds2 was in the hospital. I got to the ER after the call from the police. This very nice, very very old nun slowly shuffled up and asked me who I was, and then when I told her she slowly shuffled me off to a room so she could tell me how he was. Then she slowly shuffled away to go ask someone when we could see him. Then she slooooowly shuffled down the hall to tell me that she'd asked the wrong person, and would have to go to a different floor. Then she slowly shuffled off to the elevator to go to the other floor, but that one was closed, so she had to come tell me that one didn't work so she was going to another elevator. After an eternity she came back and told us we could see him on the third floor, and slowly shuffled us up to a waiting room and then shuffled off to see if he was able to be seen. The Jurassic period came and went before she came shuffling back to tell us that we had to wait, he looked too bad for us to see him as he was covered in blood and we had to wait till they cleaned him up.
I was howling his name down the corridor by the time she said that. Howling.
This was on a Monday. Dh and I each had plans for that following weekend; him for a golf tournament, me for an overnight girls night out. Both of us were staring at each other asking should we cancel? What do we do? Should we go? He'd be in the hospital. And OF COURSE we cancelled, and OF COURSE stayed with him. I didnt leave his room for 2 weeks. in the first terrible hours, though, trying to decide things, mundane, pre-dying kid things, there was no path. I can see how people would for a moment think Ok, we've got all kinds of things to get done. We promised we'd be there. There's this that and the other obligation.
And of course, the only thing that actually counted as an obligation was that to our boy, and we saw that. I can get this, a little though.
Shuffling shuffling shuffling. I woulda slapped that damn nun! ;-)
And good for you that you stayed with DS2. I cannot imagine leaving a child of any age alone in a hospital. But i'm just judgey that way, I guess.
Yes, the surgery happened late last week. My nephew is doing great considering everything. I've talked to my brother everyday but I didn't ask if they went house hunting. I meant to but the conversations didn't really go that way. I'll find out just for you guys and update.