Oh so he gets to dictate your feelings. You tell him something he did was hurtful and he just decides for you that you are overreacting? Your feelings are invalid? Got it. This issue you are having goes way beyond gift giving.
That's what I keep telling him. It hurts worse when he tells me my feelings are unwarranted. He just keeps saying that everything hurts or upsets me so I am just dramatic. He says & he told me to take the $$ and buy myself something.its not about the "thing" ( I mean I a,buying myself a rad birthday present regardless at this point). He just thinks that I am " overly dramatic"
He just sounds mean. Really mean. Why is he treating you this way?
He says he isn't mean I just over react & let everything hurt me. nicbreeful I wrote up a whole post about how he is crazy uncompromising about his parents & the relationship I MUST have with them even if they are rude & disrespectful to me.
So he's a gaslighting/controlling asshole, too? He IS mean. You're not overreacting. These things are MEANT to hurt you, because he's being cruel.
His parents are rude and disrespectful to you. So is he.
In a sense. I love the family we have for DS. I have looked at apartments but can't afford anything on my own & I don't know where my Mom would go if we sold this house.
In a sense. I love the family we have for DS. I have looked at apartments but can't afford anything on my own & I don't know where my Mom would go if we sold this house.Â
But do you love your son growing up thinking this is how you treat your spouse?
In a sense. I love the family we have for DS. I have looked at apartments but can't afford anything on my own & I don't know where my Mom would go if we sold this house.
Oh so he gets to dictate your feelings. You tell him something he did was hurtful and he just decides for you that you are overreacting? Your feelings are invalid? Got it. This issue you are having goes way beyond gift giving.
That's what I keep telling him. It hurts worse when he tells me my feelings are unwarranted. He just keeps saying that everything hurts or upsets me so I am just dramatic. He says & he told me to take the $$ and buy myself something.its not about the "thing" ( I mean I a,buying myself a rad birthday present regardless at this point). He just thinks that I am " overly dramatic"
"I am entitled to my feelings, regardless of your personal opinion on them."
Does he have any redeeming qualities? Because uh... he sounds like a real asshole all around,
Yeah- I mean he's funny & an involved Dad & he is always willing to do like 10 percent more than his share in any given situation ( like cleaning or cooking).
In a sense. I love the family we have for DS. I have looked at apartments but can't afford anything on my own & I don't know where my Mom would go if we sold this house.
But do you love your son growing up thinking this is how you treat your spouse?
In a sense. I love the family we have for DS. I have looked at apartments but can't afford anything on my own & I don't know where my Mom would go if we sold this house.
Hypothetically speaking, why couldn't you and your mom get a place together, at least for a while?
In a sense. I love the family we have for DS. I have looked at apartments but can't afford anything on my own & I don't know where my Mom would go if we sold this house.
Hypothetically speaking, why couldn't you and your mom get a place together, at least for a while?
Yes, we talked about it. It might work short term.
i have been in your shoes before, for years. and i hated those years of my life & wondered why in the fuck i was married to him. i am really sorry you deal with this.
but yes i'd be annoyed and hurt and mad. our solution a long time ago was to institute a no gifts policy, generally. we ended up fighting over gift-giving holidays most of the time and it just wasn't worth it.
How did you change the situation? What worked?
I mean the guy isn't evil he's cooking our kid dinner right now while I sit here on the iPad.
I would be hurt, yes, incredibly so. I would also want to know why he was so disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings and wants, maybe not in every area, but this one, and it's a big one IMHO. Damn. It's not just about being a shitty gift-giver, either. Don't let him off the hook that easily.
i have been in your shoes before, for years. and i hated those years of my life & wondered why in the fuck i was married to him. i am really sorry you deal with this.
but yes i'd be annoyed and hurt and mad. our solution a long time ago was to institute a no gifts policy, generally. we ended up fighting over gift-giving holidays most of the time and it just wasn't worth it.
How did you change the situation? What worked?
I mean the guy isn't evil he's cooking our kid dinner right now while I sit here on the iPad.
Of course he's not evil. And it sounds like he is able to be a good father. From what you described, however, it sounds like he's unable to be a good, supportive and caring partner.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 27, 2014 17:22:02 GMT -5
The best gift my mom ever gave me was divorcing my dickhead dad. (Who is very funny and - at this stage of the game - an awesome dad who does stuff around the house.)
Although she didn't realize it, she taught me that I should spend my life with someone who valued me and that I didn't have to put up with bullshit.
I also don't think it's about the gift giving issue at all, that's just a manifestation of the root issue and one you can latch on to because it's more tangible than being upset over not being supported or considered.
It's shit like this that got me into a 1-bedroom apartment with no furniture, a steady diet of blue box mac & cheese, and the HAPPIEST I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE (at that point).
Your husband absolutely treats you like crap, and you deserve better. When you cannot immediately say "yes" when asked if you still love him...well.
How so? I mean I understand the concept of gaslighting, but I never have really gotten how it is implemented ya know?
I was referring to the fact that he does something inconsiderate and when you call him on it, he says "no, you are just overreacting or too dramatic." He's pushing his issue back on you.
An emotionally health person would apologize and take responsibility for their behavior and want to discuss more how they can communicate better with you. Well, an emotionally healthy person wouldn't be pulling the crap that he is anyway.
Regardless of labels here, he's treating you poorly and you deserve much better.
Tell me more about this..... I need inspiration & this sounds kickass.
We weren't gong to spend much on each other. But he was supposed to fill my stocking from santa and take the kids to get me a gift. He didn't and the kids had nothing for me. So two days after Christmas I took dd to help pick out a ring as a gift for me. She's still proud of it and takes credit for picking something so pretty. That was our last Christmas together. It wasn't the lack of a gift that was the big deal. It was being inconsiderate and thoughtless about my feelings.
Post by spellingbea on Jul 27, 2014 17:40:37 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this. I was going to say that someone can be a good father and a shit husband, but he's not setting a great example for DS, which is a big part of parenting.
Could you do some solo counseling sessions for now and have your mom stay with DS?
Post by pantsparty on Jul 27, 2014 17:42:14 GMT -5
Yes, that's shitty. H and I are going to 2 concerts next month, Journey and Eminem. I wouldn't ordinarily go see Journey, and he wouldn't ordinarily see Eminem. But we both know they'll be fun concerts because we have fun together. It's not about doing exactly what you want all the time - it's about shared experiences and making memories.
How so? I mean I understand the concept of gaslighting, but I never have really gotten how it is implemented ya know?
I was referring to the fact that he does something inconsiderate and when you call him on it, he says "no, you are just overreacting or too dramatic." He's pushing his issue back on you.
An emotionally health person would apologize and take responsibility for their behavior and want to discuss more how they can communicate better with you. Well, an emotionally healthy person wouldn't be pulling the crap that he is anyway.
Regardless of labels here, he's treating you poorly and you deserve much better.
Thank You! I just keep begging him to take responsibility for something. I mean maybe he legit forgot to take the tickets off the site. Maybe he legit forgot to make reservations, but when I say I'm hurt he puts it back on me & says everything hurts me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I was going to say that someone can be a good father and a shit husband, but he's not setting a great example for DS, which is a big part of parenting.
Could you do some solo counseling sessions for now and have your mom stay with DS?
I was in soli counseling for awhile but i left when my insurance changed. I will look into it again.