I'm sorry you've had a rough history with your sister. It sounds like she must have done a lot that hurt you.
I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for five years prior to meeting my H. I don't know what kind of situation your sister is in, but a verbally abusive situation always has the potential to escalate to physical violence. There are many warning signs of abuse. These include:
-controlling who she sees and where she goes (or he, but in this case I will use the "she" pronoun) -explosive fits of rage, swearing at her -name-calling -contempt -put-downs, insults -silent treatment, withholding of affection -constant criticism -blaming her for his rage, saying he wouldn't be "pissed off" if she wouldn't [blank] -ignoring/invalidating her feelings -punishing her for things that annoy him -threats (to leave her, to harm her or her loved ones in some way) -breaking things, punching walls -physical intimidation (backing her against the wall, etc)
Obviously some of these are more alarming than others. Things like the silent treatment, criticism, etc occur in all relationships. The problem is when these things are a pattern, when he is mean more often than he is not, when she is afraid of him and walks on eggshells so as not to provoke his wrath. Often those suffering abuse are depressed and have a low self-esteem.
There is also the cycle of abuse, which goes something like this: the blow-up of rage; the apology where he promises never to do it again; the honeymoon stage where he acts sweet; the build-up of anger; and then the inevitable explosion of rage again.
It's important to note that you can't force someone to leave an abusive situation, no matter how hard it is to watch. My family desperately wanted me to get out, but it took me a long time to even realize abuse was going on, and then to find the courage and strength to leave. I went to therapy afterward to understand what happened and to help myself never enter such a relationship again.
I wish you good luck in however you decide to handle this. I know it's a difficult position to be in.
Post by estrellita on Jul 28, 2014 10:50:59 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But it's true you can't force someone out of a bad situation. BIL is in an abusive relationship (not physically) and no matter how much H and the ILs talk to him, he won't leave. He almost has multiple times, but she's always manipulated him into staying. It sucks to watch.
If you feel comfortable enough to voice your concerns, it wouldn't hurt, but be prepared for it to do nothing. I hope she can get herself into a better situation!
Agreed you can't do much to get her to leave, but you can let her know you will be there for her. And that you won't judge her for anything, but that you are always a phone call away if she needs help.
That's why i stayed as long as I did. How could I admit that everyone was right and he wasn't a good guy after all? So I stuck it out for way too long.
Does your H have a better relationship with her than you do? From what you've written, I don't imagine that you speaking to her would come across as sincere concern or have much of an impact on her view of her marriage. If he is concerned, maybe he should consider speaking with her about his concerns. He is right that no one deserves to be abused, and she may not feel like she can reach out to anyone for help because she has already burned so many bridges.