And no, just because I'm not working doesn't mean it is a vacation for me (yes, they said that) to drag two kids on a 5 hour train ride to hang out in the middle of nowhere and be forced to talk to you lot 24/7 and eat whatever bland thing has been cooked. NOT a vacation.
Well *my* parents aren't this way at all. When my DD is over all they want to do is play with her and show her new things and take her places. The TV is never on!!
This is another thing that is kind of awkward and it's not really a "good person" v. "bad person" kind of thing. But my parents have a closet of toys for our kids for when they come over. They have kids movies, blocks, crayons and coloring books, a noah's ark set, some nerf tennis ball thing, dolls with a bunk bed, a tea set... just random stuff like that. And actually when we went to DH's uncle's and aunt's house a couple weeks ago, they had a similar closet for their 8 grandkids. Just little random garage sale toys they'd collected over the years so the kids would have something to do when they came over. There is almost NOTHING for my kids to do at ILs apt. There are some stuffed animals and some of DH's old trucks. So, my kids are TERRIBLE at their house. Misbehaving because they are bored out of their minds. And so, I'm in total bitch mode the whole time we're there. Yelling at them to behave, stop screaming, stop running. I feel like my MIL's impression of me must be that I'm chronically unhappy and always screaming at her grandkids. And that I never want to come over for dinner or whatever. But that's because my 5 and 3 year old aren't terribly interested in watching PGA golf at the 47 volume level and I HATE having to "manage" them for an entire evening visit.
I have wondered this and excuse my non-parent question, but why don't you either bring a bag of stuff to leave over yourself or bring toys with you?
This is another thing that is kind of awkward and it's not really a "good person" v. "bad person" kind of thing. But my parents have a closet of toys for our kids for when they come over. They have kids movies, blocks, crayons and coloring books, a noah's ark set, some nerf tennis ball thing, dolls with a bunk bed, a tea set... just random stuff like that. And actually when we went to DH's uncle's and aunt's house a couple weeks ago, they had a similar closet for their 8 grandkids. Just little random garage sale toys they'd collected over the years so the kids would have something to do when they came over. There is almost NOTHING for my kids to do at ILs apt. There are some stuffed animals and some of DH's old trucks. So, my kids are TERRIBLE at their house. Misbehaving because they are bored out of their minds. And so, I'm in total bitch mode the whole time we're there. Yelling at them to behave, stop screaming, stop running. I feel like my MIL's impression of me must be that I'm chronically unhappy and always screaming at her grandkids. And that I never want to come over for dinner or whatever. But that's because my 5 and 3 year old aren't terribly interested in watching PGA golf at the 47 volume level and I HATE having to "manage" them for an entire evening visit.
I have wondered this and excuse my non-parent question, but why don't you either bring a bag of stuff to leave over yourself or bring toys with you?
TBH, you are already carting around ten million things for small children. I had days where I would literally have to get out of my car and go back in the house three times because there was just too much shit to keep track of and I kept forgetting things. Plus, toys for small children tend to be spread around the house and you don't necessarily have the time or energy to collect them every time. Then there is the possibility that a favorite toy will go missing at grandma's.
I can understand how this seems lazy to a non-parent, but until you have kids, you really can't understand the hell that is trying to keep organized. Frankly, the least grandparents who demand that the kids come to them can do is buy a couple secondhand toys at a garage sale.
I'm a very organized person but I finally reached a point where I just threw my hands up and accepted that I couldn't control everything all the time. I learned to keep a diaper bag stocked and ready to go at a moment's notice, but sometimes you forget to put in more wipes or a new burp cloth, and you can't keep formula in there. My house was a complete disaster area of toys for several years. It probably didn't help that I had two kids back to back and was dealing with two limp noodles at once.
Nothing my successful, great father DH does is good enough. If I had a dime for every time I heard, "well if you had known him in xxxx(some time over 15 years ago), you'd never think," our retirement would be fully funded. The only reason I keep my mouth shut is because DH asked me to. I told him, though, that the gloves will come OFF the first time they disparage him in front of his children.
Fun things my MIL has said:
I told her I needed to get a dress for Ms baptism (6 weeks after I had her) because nothing fit right. "You know no one will be looking at you, right?"
She complained about her youngest dating nothing but Bimbos. "One day he'll wise up like DH and his brother D and realize that looks don't matter."
When they arrived on Ms birthday (her actual birthday), M asked, "don't you have something to say to me, Grandma?" Cue blank look. M said "Happy Birthday?" MIL said, "M, we're about to go out to,dinner for it. I know it's your birthday." She's SEVEN. She also asked me 3 days after her birthday what she should get her, and then vetoed my idea.
This is another thing that is kind of awkward and it's not really a "good person" v. "bad person" kind of thing. But my parents have a closet of toys for our kids for when they come over. They have kids movies, blocks, crayons and coloring books, a noah's ark set, some nerf tennis ball thing, dolls with a bunk bed, a tea set... just random stuff like that. And actually when we went to DH's uncle's and aunt's house a couple weeks ago, they had a similar closet for their 8 grandkids. Just little random garage sale toys they'd collected over the years so the kids would have something to do when they came over. There is almost NOTHING for my kids to do at ILs apt. There are some stuffed animals and some of DH's old trucks. So, my kids are TERRIBLE at their house. Misbehaving because they are bored out of their minds. And so, I'm in total bitch mode the whole time we're there. Yelling at them to behave, stop screaming, stop running. I feel like my MIL's impression of me must be that I'm chronically unhappy and always screaming at her grandkids. And that I never want to come over for dinner or whatever. But that's because my 5 and 3 year old aren't terribly interested in watching PGA golf at the 47 volume level and I HATE having to "manage" them for an entire evening visit.
I have wondered this and excuse my non-parent question, but why don't you either bring a bag of stuff to leave over yourself or bring toys with you?
It's also like, you won't make any effort to come to our house where all her stuff is, and you want us to make all the effort, but when we get there you have absolutely no care about what a kid needs. The least you can do is have some sort or something (anything) to give her to do/play with. Make an effort. It's your grandchild! Don't just sit on the couch watching tv! Show you care!
I did actually finally make a bag of toys that just stay at their house because it was clear they weren't going to bother.
They also never baby proofed either which also annoyed me.
And then they complain why we don't go there enough!
I don't have all the drama you guys do. My ILs are nice, not intrusive, and actively loving toward my daughter - she loves going and spending time with them.
My only beef is my MIL told me that since we got rid of our queen bed in our guest room she has trouble sleeping in the daybed and that is why they stopped coming to visit. So I invested $3500 having a murphy bed installed with an upgrade to a temperpedic mattress. They still haven't visited. Now FIL says the 2.5 hour drive is too far for him - too uncomfortable. Having spent that money is super annoying. My mom only visits about 3x a year and we don't usually have other overnight guests.
Nothing my successful, great father DH does is good enough. If I had a dime for every time I heard, "well if you had known him in xxxx(some time over 15 years ago), you'd never think," our retirement would be fully funded. The only reason I keep my mouth shut is because DH asked me to. I told him, though, that the gloves will come OFF the first time they disparage him in front of his children.
Fun things my MIL has said:
I told her I needed to get a dress for Ms baptism (6 weeks after I had her) because nothing fit right. "You know no one will be looking at you, right?"
She complained about her youngest dating nothing but Bimbos. "One day he'll wise up like DH and his brother D and realize that looks don't matter."
When they arrived on Ms birthday (her actual birthday), M asked, "don't you have something to say to me, Grandma?" Cue blank look. M said "Happy Birthday?" MIL said, "M, we're about to go out to,dinner for it. I know it's your birthday." She's SEVEN. She also asked me 3 days after her birthday what she should get her, and then vetoed my idea.
Post by debatethis on Jul 29, 2014 13:20:49 GMT -5
I lucked out in the IL department but I am pretty sure all of these stories have had some variation from my own parents. They're the stereotypical tea party ant-Muslim anti-immigrant wingnuts with a healthy dose of Chemtrails and government mind control paranoia. Makes family visits uber fun.
Oh man, why didn't I see this yesterday? I just spend Sunday evening with them so I've got all sorts of irritations.
SMIL likes to complain that she and FIL never seeeee uuuuusssss, and they miiiiiiiss their graaaaaaandson (imagine nasally alcoholic whining). But yet we rarely hear a peep out of them, and attempt to initiate contact but they usually have some night planned at the bar (SMIL) or golfing (FIL) so we're sick of initiating. The phone goes both ways, and we live all of 20 mins away. Plus, SMIL can't do anything without a damn drink in her hand. (this is the same woman who showed up at my baby shower with a bloody mary in a red solo cup, wearing a low cut leopard print dress, then proceeded to give my BFF crap for not serving wine. At a baby shower. That started at noon. Did I mention she drove to the shower with said cocktail...and her granddaughter in tow?)
When AJ and I were over there on Sunday, our stepniece showed us the pictures SMIL has of AJ or of the three of us on the fridge. Except I'm 99.99999% sure I never printed pictures out for her, and I know J didn't either. Since she unfriended both of us on FB when she and FIL split last fall and were headed for divorce court, I know she didn't get them off our FB pages...meaning she likely got them from SBIL's FB or that of another family member that she IS still friends with (there's only a few). The only reason I'm not putting the lot of them on no pictures lockdown is because she and FIL are back together and it's easier than dealing with the drama. But I'm watching you, you crazy beyotch.
There is various other BS that has gone on that has officially gotten her across the line from "moderate dislike" to full on "pleased as punch to never see your face again"....that's just the recent stuff. FIL's not that bad, he's just realllllly hands off.
I get along with my in-laws. We live relatively close and go over for dinner periodically. The only weird thing happened a few years ago when my MIL stopped at my house several times to drop things off. She would call, I'd pick up, and she'd say, "I'm in the driveway." That's annoying.
I just spent 3 days at my ILs house. Appropriate timing.
The visit was fine though, my ILs are just weird. I have some bitterness from things that went down before we had kids, but after I had Jackson things were better for awhile because I think we managed to understand each other a bit better. They're good grandparents and are the type who like to help out with everything (but to the point of being overbearing). Things went to shit kind of when we moved away from them because my MIL is an asshole about traveling and she prioritizes her dogs above everything else. She's also one who frequently insults or criticizes her kids and it drives me up a wall. I just have very little tolerance for it all anymore.
I could probably tell stories for hours but a few weeks ago she offered to raise her daughter's baby until it was an age my SIL likes if she would just have a baby (this is an insane, horribly selfish suggestion) and then she told her daughter that "it's just different when your own daughter has kids" because she'd automatically be closer to them. Yeah, whatever. That really pissed me off because I make so much effort to see them when we can and when we travel to Indiana to see my family and I have always said they are welcome to visit us whenever. My kids are equally close to all their grandparents and just because my mil thinks she'd have more control or claim over her daughter's kids, she wants them more. Of course the joke is on her because my SIL is not having kids, and has zero desire for them (she and my BIL are 43 and 36 so it's not like they are really young and might change their mind - this has always been their plan).
After 10+ years of dealing with them, I mostly laugh the insanity off unless it's something that really affects or inconviences me personally. If she ever criticizes my kids the way she does my husband (and I've started responding to that too), she will regret it greatly. She has no clue how much I ignore and let go for the sake of my husband and my kids.
If I wasn't on my phone, I would type out my full list of annoyances because it would be cleansing, I imagine.
Post by 2curlydogs on Jul 29, 2014 16:37:04 GMT -5
I love how this turned into an IL-off.
Really, my current relationship can be summed up thusly:
Set stage: We're up north with them for Thanksgiving weekend. It's Sunday. I was in the loft attempting to nurse B to sleep for a nap. This was known. Their golden retrievers started to run upstairs and FIL yells at the top of his lungs: DOG! DOG GET DOWN HERE. and I said "FIL, for god sake..." because, you know, trying to put the baby to sleep.
And he screams "Goddammit Curly. This is MY fucking house and I will do as I FUCKING please. You CANNOT talk to me that way in my own FUCKING HOUSE."
Post by tacoflavoredkisses on Jul 30, 2014 10:39:53 GMT -5
My MIL still thinks my nearly 30 year old husband is a baby. She sobs whenever he leaves and considered our wedding the day she lost her baby boy. She has commented that I am lucky I was able to marry such a "prince."
She told me I will be a horrible mother someday because I prefer window seats when flying. I had to unfriend her on FB after she was essentially stalking every move I made on there. And after the massive temper tantrum she threw a few years ago because she was offended that she wasn't made her own special bowl of popcorn when we sat down to watch a movie (I'm talking screaming, tears, and door slamming), she isn't allowed to stay at our place when they visit.
I lucked out in the IL department but I am pretty sure all of these stories have had some variation from my own parents. They're the stereotypical tea party ant-Muslim anti-immigrant wingnuts with a healthy dose of Chemtrails and government mind control paranoia. Makes family visits uber fun.
Do you fight the urge to send them Wierd Al's Foil video?
I lucked out in the IL department but I am pretty sure all of these stories have had some variation from my own parents. They're the stereotypical tea party ant-Muslim anti-immigrant wingnuts with a healthy dose of Chemtrails and government mind control paranoia. Makes family visits uber fun.
Do you fight the urge to send them Wierd Al's Foil video?
Ooh. I didn't see it but now maybe I will send it to them.