Women with Hs who are alcoholics- setbacks?

[bronco]

I know that there will be bumps in the road and setbacks on the journey to his sobriety, but how do you deal with them? Long story short- almost 4 weeks ago I had enough with my Hs drinking and said get help or I'm done. He admitted he had a problem, went to an AA meeting (he didn't go to a new members meeting, so maybe that was an issue in him not feeling like AA was a good fit for him) and agreed to go to therapy with me. My therapist has been out of town and we have a apt tonight. Anyway, things were going pretty well and our relationship seemed to be improving until last night. He came home and wasn't drunk, but just tipsy enough that I could tell. Cue HUGE fight, screaming, profanities, ect. ect. 

I guess my question is, how do you deal with the setbacks like this because right now, I basically want to change the locks and begin to file for divorce. BUT I also can't take care of our 7 month old twins alone. I sometimes feel like having help 28/29 days of the month is worth keeping him around, even if he disgusts me. But on the same hand- I don't even like him as a person anymore and don't want to "pretend" anymore. 

This morning he told me that the next time he comes home and has been drinking he will personally file for divorce. Which 1) makes me wonder if he wants to be done with the marriage, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and the one to pull the plug and 2) is setting himself up to fail. He also sent me a text telling me he loves me, wants our marriage to work, is willing to do the work to fix things, blah blah blah. I basically am trying not to text back: I don't feel the same way. 

Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm still fuming and upset. I want to tell him I am not interested in working things until he has received his 90 day sobriety coin, but then, I'm on my own with twins for 90 days?? I can't do that. Especially since I'm going back to work at the end of August (teacher). Ugh! Sorry for the word vomit. I'm sure therapy tonight will help. Hopefully anyway, my H is kind of a baby and needs to be treated with kid gloves which my therapist does not do, so it may be a disaster. Thank you for any advice, insight or some tough love. And PDQ.  Thanks 

[flex]

All i can say is hang in there. Recovering alcoholics rarely keep with sobriety with their 1st, 2nd or 3rd attempt at it.

It took me 2 years from my first ever AA meeting to get to the point where I knew "self will" wasn't going to cut it. And even after I went through outpatient treatment I had a "slip" with cocaine at 8 months so I had to re-start my sobriety date.

I realize this is not advice on what to do, but I just wanted you to understand that the journey to sobriety can be fraught with potholes.

ETA: My slip was a few decades ago.  I know have 26 years clean and sober.  : )

[malibu]

bronco Sorry you're having a rough time. I can't imagine how hard it would be with infant twins.

I've hung in there for 8 years (today, actually). It would be up to you if you want to continue. I'm still unsure if I'm going to keep hanging on as my H has already been to and returned home from treatment with little change, other than not drinking. I only have one kid and that's hard enough, so I can't imagine having the same issues with twins. Do you have a good support system? Someone (or multiple someones - parents, siblings, friends) who could help you with the babies if you do decide you need out?

I really don't know what to think about his comment about him filing if he drinks. Part of me thinks he's setting his own goal, even though it sounds like an odd goal. It sounds a little like "My family is more important, so it's on me to file if I screw up" or something. Part of me agrees with you that he could be looking for an out. That certainly was an odd comment that could be taken so many different ways.

[bronco]

Jul 29, 2014 11:14:43 GMT -5 malibu said:

bronco Sorry you're having a rough time. I can't imagine how hard it would be with infant twins.

I've hung in there for 8 years (today, actually). It would be up to you if you want to continue. I'm still unsure if I'm going to keep hanging on as my H has already been to and returned home from treatment with little change, other than not drinking. I only have one kid and that's hard enough, so I can't imagine having the same issues with twins. Do you have a good support system? Someone (or multiple someones - parents, siblings, friends) who could help you with the babies if you do decide you need out?

I really don't know what to think about his comment about him filing if he drinks. Part of me thinks he's setting his own goal, even though it sounds like an odd goal. It sounds a little like "My family is more important, so it's on me to file if I screw up" or something. Part of me agrees with you that he could be looking for an out. That certainly was an odd comment that could be taken so many different ways.

I just responded to your post . My anniversary is next Wednesday and I'm interested in kicking him out, not being romantic and reminiscing. My H is very dramatic and poor me type of guy. But like you said, I dont know how to read that comment. I told him it feels like a cop out and asked, point blank- do you just want to be done? He said no, so who knows. Honestly, I'm sick of tip toeing around him and making sure his feelings aren't hurt. 
Anyway, sorry your in the boat your in. I'm right there next to you  

[btay]

My stbxh was constantly saying we should just end things, because he saw our marriage as something that was interfering with his ability to drink freely. Honestly, from the time he accepted he had a problem until the time he started acting more like himself was a little over 2 years, and he is still a work in progress. They told us in the family program that every relapse is just a part of their journey, and sometimes an essential part to really drive home the severity of their addiction.

[SwimDeep]

I don't really have any advice, but my experience with my H is much like what btay and flex have said. I've lost count of how many times my H picked up a white chip, but every single time he picked one up he was committing a little bit more to the program. I am constantly reminding myself that it's his path to walk, his realizations to come to, his rock bottom to hit.
I have to think about my path, what I want/need and what I need to do to take care of myself. In my case, I am still committed to my marriage, but I have personal boundaries now. He and I have a long way to go, but we're a little further down the path than we used to be.

I'm not sure what I would have done if we had kids...I'm sure I wouldn't have had nearly as much patience with the setbacks.