So my stbxh?? is having second thoughts

[btay]

He told me he wanted a separation when he was about 10 months sober and still in a pretty messed up place.  I said fine and moved out.  We were originally planning on filing for divorce this month, but at dinner the other day he said he is having second thoughts, that he was in a bad place when we separated and he wants to revisit our therapist to make sure we are doing the right thing.   We've mainained a very close friendship through the separation, but I worry that if we do get back together we will be in this same place in a few years again and I just don't know.  I love him, he is an amazing man, but the idea of dealing with another possible relapse is just killing me, and I worry that his motivations for getting back together are based more on knowing I accept him as he is, and less about him accepting me as I am.

[flex]

How long has he been sober?

[btay]

Jul 29, 2014 13:10:22 GMT -5 flex said:

How long has he been sober?

He is a year and a half sober now.

[flex]

I think you have some valid concerns about starting up a relationship with him. On the other hand, 1-1/2 years of sobriety can make a difference in a person. As long as it's productive sobriety: having a sponsor, working the Steps, actively attending AA meetings.

[flex]

What it comes down to, what do you want to do? You need to be true to yourself when you ask yourself this question.

Then you need to talk to him and be completely honest and open about your concerns and your expectations.

[btay]

Jul 29, 2014 13:29:49 GMT -5 flex said:

I think you have some valid concerns about starting up a relationship with him. On the other hand, 1-1/2 years of sobriety can make a difference in a person. As long as it's productive sobriety: having a sponsor, working the Steps, actively attending AA meetings.

 So far it has been a productive sobriety, which I have to remind myself is very different from his first long term sobriety that was all willpower.  I had so much faith in him when he had none so of course now that he is becoming more confident in himself my faith is waivering. 

[malibu]

Well, here's the question of the ages: How do YOU feel?

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 29, 2014 13:04:53 GMT -5 btay said:

He told me he wanted a separation when he was about 10 months sober and still in a pretty messed up place.  I said fine and moved out.  We were originally planning on filing for divorce this month, but at dinner the other day he said he is having second thoughts, that he was in a bad place when we separated and he wants to revisit our therapist to make sure we are doing the right thing.   We've mainained a very close friendship through the separation, but I worry that if we do get back together we will be in this same place in a few years again and I just don't know.  I love him, he is an amazing man, but the idea of dealing with another possible relapse is just killing me, and I worry that his motivations for getting back together are based more on knowing I accept him as he is, and less about him accepting me as I am.

this was my main concern when stbxh was released from rehab. one of our past issues was that he had a habit of not taking responsibility for things and putting the onus on me to be the responsible one for both of us.

he gets out of rehab and BLAM ! he 'needs' us for his recovery to be successful. I heard that and shut down completely and totally. no - YOU (meaning stbxh) need to take ownership and responsibility for your recovery - its not MY responsibility !

the threat of a relapse was a very real thing for me (especially since his relapse was after 15 years of being clean) and one of things I had to think LONG and HARD about. in the end, the threat of a relapse was too great for me (and wouldn't you know it, he DID relapse 6 wks after getting out of rehab) and regardless of what he would do or not do, reconciliation was NOT possible.

for me, divorce was the only solution to protect my sanity.

[btay]

Jul 29, 2014 13:55:26 GMT -5 malibu said:

Well, here's the question of the ages: How do YOU feel?

 I never wanted the separation so I'm all in favor of making things work, I just worry about him being able to commit.  I can't give him another couple of years and then go through this again.  It all goes back to that darn trust issue.   I need to trust that he is being honest with both himself and me

[partiallysunny]

Jul 29, 2014 14:57:21 GMT -5 btay said:

Jul 29, 2014 13:55:26 GMT -5 malibu said:

Well, here's the question of the ages: How do YOU feel?

 I never wanted the separation so I'm all in favor of making things work, I just worry about him being able to commit.  I can't give him another couple of years and then go through this again.  It all goes back to that darn trust issue.   I need to trust that he is being honest with both himself and me

could you guys start "dating" again, essentially? Go to the movies, have dinner, hold hands and such? Feel out how the relationship would go instead of taking a giant leap to moving back in together and potentially falling into bad habits.

I think therapy together is a great idea, regardless if you guys get back together or not.

[malibu]

partiallysunny That's a great idea!

[btay]

We never really stopped "dating" in that we get together like once a week for dinner or a trip to the casino. I think starting to add back in the physical element (holding hands, etc) is not a bad idea though.

[partiallysunny]

Take it slow and see how it goes. I think with time you'll figure out if you can trust him or not. Just be completely transparent with him that you're testing the waters and seeing how it goes.

Try doing new things as well.

[livinitup]

Jul 29, 2014 13:04:53 GMT -5 btay said:

He told me he wanted a separation when he was about 10 months sober ... I worry that his motivations for getting back together are based more on knowing I accept him as he is, and less about him accepting me as I am.

So, how do you resolve this? How can he show you that he accepts you as you are? What will you require of him?



--
Just so you know, as an outsider, I get a huge vibe of "It's all what he wants ... and it's all about him". Which is not meant to be critical, just the way it all comes across. Seriously, he's still making it ALL ABOUT HIM, you're still fvcking worried about being accepted in your own relationship? ... yeah, not good. At all. And it sounds like a bit of truth you don't easily want to admit.