This is a vent.

[krisandgrace]

For back ground because I haven't posted here much I have been sober in AA for 19 years (since my early 20's).

My aunt is dying of ovarian cancer. We all thought she had at least until Christmas but the last three weeks she has gotten so much worse and the cancer has spread. I talked to her on the phone the other night and she was very down, at one point she said she didn't want to drag this on for too much longer meaning her life. My own mother died when I was 21 and my father and I are not close, he lives 2,000 miles away and is an alcoholic so she has been more of a parent to me then he has.

DH has been sick for almost 5 years total.  After almost 6 months of tests he was diagnosed with  Lyme disease, three years ago he was getting better but then had nasal surgery which caused him migraines so bad he was out of work for 4 months. He has never fully recovered and doctor after doctor have just passed us a long to someone else with no solution.

I have a cousin who has been like a nephew to me and has been sober for 2 years just call me to ask if I could be his emergency contact at the crises center, he slipped and is going into a state run rehab.

I want to check out. I told my sponsor last night I feel like driving off in my car and not coming back or have an affair or getting a tattoo, something. Some times being a good person and being present for people gets old. Even after all these years I still have a dark seedy side of me who is selfish and doesn't want to be a fine upstanding member of society. It has been a long time since I have felt this way, I am usually talking about how grateful I am to be able to make a living amends to people by being present in their lives but I am so not feeling that way right now.

I have a small part time business and I have to work this weekend but Friday afternoon we have another doctors appointment (for DH), I am visiting my aunt on Sunday and now going to visit my cousin in rehab Monday night. If I can get to Tuesday I will hopefully feel better but I don't know. I think I just needed to write this out somewhere so thanks for listening.

[btay]

((())) That is a lot to have on your plate

[Deleted]

krisandgrace, That's a lot going on! First of all, I'm really sorry about your aunt. It is so difficult watching a parent die. How grateful you must be for her presence in your life. Seeing her on Sunday will be good for both of you.

Your poor H and your nephew have serious problems too. No wonder you would like to run away! I can relate to wanting to escape it all. In fact, I've told my family if I ever run away, you'll find me in nameoftown, Montana! LOL

Be sure to take care of yourself during this time. I have no doubt you'll get to Tuesday. One day at a time. Hugs to you.

[SwimDeep]

I certainly know the feeling of just wanting to drop everything and drive away. I'm starting to realize that when I'm feeling that way I really do need to get away by myself for at least an hour and just do something for myself. You have so much on your plate, and you're taking care of so many people - you have to remember to take care of yourself too!
Sometimes, a long hot shower is enough to help me find my center. If I'm feeling aggressive and angry I'll go for a walk/workout. Anything (healthy) that lets me mentally check out for an hour or more helps a little bit.

I'm sure the people you're caring for are grateful to have you in their lives. I hope you have someone you can lean on too.
(((hugs)))

[krisandgrace]

Jul 30, 2014 9:07:31 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

krisandgrace, That's a lot going on! First of all, I'm really sorry about your aunt. It is so difficult watching a parent die. How grateful you must be for her presence in your life. Seeing her on Sunday will be good for both of you.

Your poor H and your nephew have serious problems too. No wonder you would like to run away! I can relate to wanting to escape it all. In fact, I've told my family if I ever run away, you'll find me in nameoftown, Montana! LOL

Be sure to take care of yourself during this time. I have no doubt you'll get to Tuesday. One day at a time. Hugs to you.

Thanks everyone.  I have been getting monthly massages to try to work out the kinks in my shoulders. I am going to try to set up some girl friend time next week too. I just wish I could get away for a week but that isn't going to happen right now.

[malibu]

I'm so sorry, krisandgrace. I'll join you if you want to run away and hide in like, Hawaii or something for a while. You have so much on your plate, and are surrounded by sadness and hurt, which can't be good for you.

You'll get to Tuesday. I hope seeing your aunt cheers her up and you as well. I hope they're able to figure out what's going on with your H, illness is so very stressful on everyone involved.

Definitely find some way in the busy days ahead to do something for you. Fifteen minutes, an hour, a whole day...whatever it needs to be, I hope you can find some time to devote to you and only you.