I'll add- as your SON tells them what his name is, that would make me defensive for my kid. I'd be telling my DH that my child needs to feel respected. That's what I'd make that issue about - asking him to tell his parents to show respect for my child. When the child says "my name is ___", don't laugh. Kids need to know that they have a voice and a choice.
Then you can deal, w/ the baby, and say "Actually, his name is __. Not ___". Simple, to the point. No drama.
If it bothers you, you should speak up (or your DH should). But after that, he's right...you can't control them. You've stated your preference and they'll either respect it or not. If they don't, IMO this isn't a hill I'd want to die on.
FWIW, my niece and older DD both have longer names with very common NNs. Both prefer their full, given name...niece does allow a less common nn with family only since my sister and BIL have used it since she was born, while DD uses no nn at all; we called her one as a baby and she has since asked us to stop, so we did. I'd say that 99% of the people both girls meet respect their preference. The girls introduce themselves with the full name, and we gently correct anyone the first time if they use the nn. So it's absolutely possible if you're direct about your preference and the person you're dealing with respects it.
My MIL hasn't pronounced my name correctly in the 12 years I've been with her son (almost 8 as his wife). My name has 3 syllables and she only says the first two.
This is despite her being told by multiple family members that my name is YOUNEEKWA, NOT YOUNEEK.
She still calls me youneek. I'm annoyed but I deal and it's not going to change so why stress?
ETA:I don't believe it's out of maliciousness-it's just how she thinks of me in her head. I am hoping your H's family is the same and not being deliberate jerks.
If they're good people and your son is correcting him amd they're still doing it, I think you can gently say something to them privately about how he's getting confused/hurt/annoyed/whatever by the fact that they don't use his real name. And let it lie after that. He'll keep correcting them.
But if they're otherwise annoying and disrespectful, you should, the next time they refer to your son or fetus by the wrong name (when your son isn't around), burst into "hysterical pregnant woman" tears, sob "that's not his NAME! Why don't you LOVE and RESPECT us!" and run from the room, refusing to be consoled.
You said you told ds to correct them -- is that because he actually wants them to stop, or because you do?
One od my gmas called me by a nn my mom didn't care for, and honestly I don't care for it in general, but I loved that it was something that WE shared. I never let anyone else call me that (probably 80% because I'm just not a fan of it, and 20% because it would make it less special to our relationship).
I don't think it's worth fighting regardless, though.
I'll add- as your SON tells them what his name is, that would make me defensive for my kid. I'd be telling my DH that my child needs to feel respected. That's what I'd make that issue about - asking him to tell his parents to show respect for my child. When the child says "my name is ___", don't laugh. Kids need to know that they have a voice and a choice.
This is what I was going to say, as well. I agree with the idea to tell your son to ignore people who know his name and choose not to use it. But more importantly, H needs to step up and show that he supports his son when son has a situation in which he is uncomfortable. "Mom and Dad, Son has said told you that he prefers to be called Name, not Stupidnickname. Please respect that and call him by his name of choice." You could even add "I know this may seem trivial to you, but I want Son to know that if he is in a situation that makes him uncomfortable, he is safe to speak up and we listen and support him. While a nickname isn't a dangerous situation, I wouldn't want to set a precedent of us not responding when he speaks up."
Said by the girl who never had a nickname, but my third grade teacher refused to call me by my full name. My name has a number of nickname options, and she picked the one I would be LEAST likely to ever pick. My parents encouraged me to speak up and correct her, but after coming home in tears MULTIPLE times after "Ms. Ricks, my name is Fullname" "OK, Nickname" conversations, my mom came to school and met with her, to reinforce that I didn't want to be called by a nickname. (Didn't change anything, Ms. Ricks still called me by my nickname, but my mom made it clear to me that she was advocating for me as best she could. Then told me to just ignore her; sometimes you are going to meet people who are rude and the best thing you can do is not let it get you down)
NN can be a sweet thing between GPs and GKs, my Gran and Papa were the only one who shortened my name and I love it, it's our 'thing'. If it bothers your older son then yes support him and reinforce that he gets to choose what he is called and tell him he can ignore them when they use the NN and only answer to the name HE prefers.
As for your new son, remind them that his name is X and you prefer he be called that but then Let It Go, with your H not on your side you are not going to win this so come to terms with the fact that they like to NN the grandkids. Roll your eyes and move on it is not worth your time and stress to constantly be fighting this losing battle.
I would say something. My name is unique. Nicki could have been used as a nickname and my mom shut that shit down. I go by my full name.
I could have been a Nicki. I hate Nicki. I always go by Nicole. My mother let my extended family call me "Colie" and it's been a lifelong battle to get them to call me by my full name.
Samesies. Well, not the Colie part. I have never been called Nicki and don't respond to it. My parents didn't like it and I'm sure they shut it down here and there over the years. I see no problem with redirecting what you want your kid called.
I would be annoyed an say something. I think people who get names wrong on purpose are assholes.
This is really neither here no there, but why do people choose to give their child a name if they hate the common nicknames? We definitely ruled out some names for these reasons. And while I will not be thrilled if anyone starts calling Bea "Trixie," I can handle it.
My mom was determined I would never be called Jenny and shot down anyone who tried. I've done the same and no one calls me Jenny. I suggest you tell them very directly what names you'd like them to call your children by. The kids can always change them to whatever they want when they're older.
I can understand your frustration but you need to speak up. Next time they call him by the nick name, just gently say "thats not what his name is, please call him "first name".
if you want to be snarky, start calling them something else. Something that you know they wouldnt like. (yeah, I can be a b*tch)
My MIL told everyone we were calling our son by his initials. Which we are not. We told everyone she told we were not in fact doing that, we are calling him by his first name. (My SIL called me when MIL told her as a heads up). Then when MIL would say the wrong name at their home, her daughter would correct her.
My MIL reasoning for nicknaming my son was he happens to share the same first name as our SILs dad. She thought it would be confusing for her. Um...pretty sure she calls that guy dad, so it shouldn't be that confusing.
Everytime your MIL says the nickname of I'd just brightly say, "We will be calling him XYZ." This seems like it would be easier to do before baby gets here.
My MIL hasn't pronounced my name correctly in the 12 years I've been with her son (almost 8 as his wife). My name has 3 syllables and she only says the first two.
This is despite her being told by multiple family members that my name is YOUNEEKWA, NOT YOUNEEK.
She still calls me youneek. I'm annoyed but I deal and it's not going to change so why stress?
ETA:I don't believe it's out of maliciousness-it's just how she thinks of me in her head. I am hoping your H's family is the same and not being deliberate jerks.
Not defending your MIL but I have a friend named "Youneek" and a niece named "Youneeka" and every time I call either one of them anything I panic that I'm going to call them the wrong name and end up tripping over my tongue and screw it up anyway. I know what their names are, and I know which one is which, I swear!
Does your son care? I know you said he corrected them, but you also said that you TOLD him, "This is your name and do not let your grandparents call you something else." So he might be correcting them because you told him to, not because the other NN really bothers him.
I don't know. I think they are being annoying if their grandson asked them to call him something else and they refuse. I also think you should let your kid choose what NN he wants to go by, especially as he gets older.
So I would say, if your DS is truly bothered by the grandparents' NN also, then I would speak up and tell them that he prefers to go by X and has told them as such, and you'd appreciate it if they would honor his request. But if you talk to DS honestly about it and he really doesn't care, I would let it go. Let him make the call on this one.
My dad likes to push my buttons, do he's tried to shorten the kids names. I pretty much just gave him a dead eye look and said their names. He'll call them that to me when he's joking now but in normal conversation he uses their right names.
And I would totally use the passive aggressive route too and call them by nicknames.
My opinion is that first it would annoy the ever loving shit out of me if my inlaws did that. I agree with your husband that you can't control what people call your child .. but will add that I think that is more for when they are older. I have a son named Daniel. I call him Daniel. My family calls him Daniel. But his buddies call him Danny. When he was like a day old my inlaws kept calling him dannyboy. I said "we are going to call him Daniel for now" they didn't like it but they complied. I will say Daniel has friends named James and I cannot even imagine calling this child Jim or Jimmy or Jamie. He is James. If he wants to go by Jamie that's fine but he is James. I am annoyed on your behalf. This is also why I didn't tell my inlaws our names we picked for our kids. Because when we told them we liked Daniel James they wanted to call him DJ and all I could think of was that kid on Roseanne. So we changed his middle name before he was born.
that being said ths could start a problem. If you hear them talking about this initals baby, I would just say "Oh do you think people will call him/her that? because I am not a fan of initial nicknames. maybe we will have to rethink it". Maybe they will get the hint
I will also add that DHs parents tried to call both my sons by our last name (think nickname of Sully for Sullivan) I put a stop to that right away. Like I want my one week old being called that. My FIL still does it but he never sees our kids so its like once a year
My first mother in law hated for anyone to shorten 1st H's name. If you said NN in front of her she would correct you PDQ and you knew you'd just been scolded. I get that, and I get it on a personal level because my mother insists on calling my youngest by a NN I hate as well and I always make it a point to call her by acceptable NN right after. I guess I'm just waiting in my child to do the dirty work and tell her that her name isn't X, it's Y.
Post by Captain Serious on Aug 2, 2014 9:32:01 GMT -5
As long as their nickname doesn't have a second, offensive meaning, like "Dick" for "Richard," for example, I'd let it go. Your child will receive and pick many nicknames throughout his life, this is just the first lesson in letting go.
Post by tacoflavoredkisses on Aug 2, 2014 9:54:07 GMT -5
I was thinking this is a let it go situation until the part where your son has corrected them and they just laugh at him. I think that's a really dick move on their part to laugh at their grandson saying he doesn't like to be called XYZ.
I would say something, but from the perspective that it is a problem for your son that they laughed at him when he corrected them. Because that is just not okay to me.
Post by fivechickens on Aug 2, 2014 10:08:58 GMT -5
This is a pet peeve of mine. I would tell DH to talk to them and if he doesn't then you will. The fact that your son corrects them and they laugh it off shows a complete lack of respect about the situation.
I rarely call my grandchildren by their given names. it's always some sort of silly variation of their name or a sweet pet name.
Except for "Voldemort". His name is stupid and I refuse to say it. We have a nn for him, always have, always will.
Yeah, DH and I call most of our nieces and nephews by silly names, something that ususally has a story attached to it. It never even occured to me if it would bother my SIL. We even use the names on bday cards, etc. that we mail them.
For example, DH's nephew's name begins with "D." One of DHs (kinda senile) uncle called him a completely different D name (Duncan) for his entire life (until the uncle passed away). No one ever corrected the uncle, we all just kinda snickered (SIL and BIL snickered also). So, now we always call "D" "Duncan" whenever we see him. It's been for about 15 years.
my sister's name is something like Sharon and her grandmother-in-law called her Karen and they never corrected her. My sister now has a collection of coffee mugs that say "Karen" and they even have a little sign for their camper that says "David (BIL) and Karen's Place."
I would be annoyed an say something. I think people who get names wrong on purpose are assholes.
This is really neither here no there, but why do people choose to give their child a name if they hate the common nicknames? We definitely ruled out some names for these reasons. And while I will not be thrilled if anyone starts calling Bea "Trixie," I can handle it.
I can speak for my mother that she named us the names that she wanted us to be called. Three of four kids (including me) have names that have easy nicknames. My Mom would have named us the nicknames if that's what she was going to call us.
OP- I would say something - because it really sounds like they are doing it be jerks. This is a huge pet peeve of mine since I will introduce myself to people who will then respond with a NN. Um, didn't I just tell you my name?
When I read these posts, I truly feel sorry for some of the in laws on here who get a bad rap. You "dropped hints" you don't like the nickname. You needed to tell them THE FIRST TIME...oh we are using either his full name or if you prefer a nickname then XYZ, not this passive aggressive hinting and then complain on the boards business. If they ignore you then they are a pain in the ass, not because they can't read your mind or your hints.
When I read these posts, I truly feel sorry for some of the in laws on here who get a bad rap. You "dropped hints" you don't like the nickname. You needed to tell them THE FIRST TIME...oh we are using either his full name or if you prefer a nickname then XYZ, not this passive aggressive hinting and then complain on the boards business. If they ignore you then they are a pain in the ass, not because they can't read your mind or your hints.
Later in the thread she said that her child had told them that his name was _____ and they laughed and ignored him. That to me isn't a case of not reading minds. It might be a silly joke to the IL's but, it's kind of shitty to ignore what he wants to be called.
I can see both sides. C calls my FIL Pop-pop, which my MIL does NOT like, but it seems FIL is fine. They have tried to stop this, but it's just what she calls him and he answers. I think that is sometimes how nicknames work.
I actually ask C which nn she likes for her full name. I mean, it's their name, why not ask them what they like?