I feel terrible

[doctoranda]

but I kind of am annoyed with my husband for no good reason. He is a professor so he has 2 month off right now and it's driving me a little wonky at times (like today). He just does almost nothing besides playing farmville all day while laying on the bed. I think he should be able to enjoy his time off so I feel terrible that on the other hand it's just pisses me off. Also, I really enjoy alone time around the house and well there's none of that these days because he just doesn't go anywhere. I went shopping etc. to be alone for a bit... It's weird I never feel like this when we're on vacation.

[grosnl19]

Yeah I feel the same way when DH is off for a long period of time. He starts his 5 week vacation Friday and I suspect by 2.5 weeks in I will be annoyed with him and the first 11 days we will be on a cruise :-|

[tktravels]

I can completely understand and relate to being annoyed at times when you can't get any alone time. Depending on where we are living, DH often works from home. And right now, "home" is a (one-room) dorm room. So we've got two humans and two cats living in a dorm room for the next month.. I fully anticipate wanting my own space and to be alone at some time soon.

I am curious though, being home all the time aside, what really annoys you? Is it the activities that he chooses to do? Is he neglecting other tasks? Is he just not spending his time as you would do, were you to be in his position?

I ask because I've been in your husband's position and it has been one of three things that DH and I have fought about in the 7 years we have been together. I know what annoyed him (basically, in choosing to sleep in, watch tv, chat with friends from real life online, and read for fun, I wasn't maximizing my potential.. even if it was very relaxing), but am curious as to how it is in your relationship. If you don't mind my asking, of course!

[mrsukyankee]

I am a school teacher and off for a while. My DH has talked to me about this and we agreed that:
1) I need to up the work I do around the house. Not so much that I lose my vacation time, but definitely more than I usually do.
2) I need to have something planned every week that gets me out of the house (makes me happy too)
3) I need to give him some alone time on the weekends or in the evenings when he asked for it (I'm not a mind-reader so he had to ask for it)

Other than that, my consultant of a husband has to realize that we're built differently - for me, resting, reading & watching tv while cuddling the dog is something that recharges me and gets me ready for the next school year. And honestly, I start I start getting ready for the next year after a few weeks in - he doesn't see it, but I'm actually doing a lot of research online and reading specific books for the classes I'm teaching during this time too.

Communication is key here!

[doctoranda]

Jul 24, 2012 10:05:23 GMT -5 tktravels said:

I can completely understand and relate to being annoyed at times when you can't get any alone time. Depending on where we are living, DH often works from home. And right now, "home" is a (one-room) dorm room. So we've got two humans and two cats living in a dorm room for the next month.. I fully anticipate wanting my own space and to be alone at some time soon.

I am curious though, being home all the time aside, what really annoys you? Is it the activities that he chooses to do? Is he neglecting other tasks? Is he just not spending his time as you would do, were you to be in his position?

I ask because I've been in your husband's position and it has been one of three things that DH and I have fought about in the 7 years we have been together. I know what annoyed him (basically, in choosing to sleep in, watch tv, chat with friends from real life online, and read for fun, I wasn't maximizing my potential.. even if it was very relaxing), but am curious as to how it is in your relationship. If you don't mind my asking, of course!

I am not entirely sure of where my feelings come from. It may have something to do with the fact that he doesn't shower or take care of himself or the house (like glasses and plates next to the bed). He is just laying there. He did heat up dinner twice though and he does the dishes so I actually can't complain too much. Maybe it's that I feel weird cleaning the house while he just lays in bed. Maybe it is because I don't recognize him as the talented, creative, social person he used to be and I am afraid he is changing into a person who has no hobbies and just lays in bed. Maybe that he is okay with just laying in bed although frightens me because even though I like to lounge and relax I am always into new adventures and like to go out and experience stuff. And lastly, and this is not a maybe, I like to have the house to myself for a few hours a week. We have been together for 11 years but this is the first time he had a break this long.

[pittpurple]

Can you have a chat with him like UK Yankee? I think those are really fair ground rules. Obviously having a job with a built in break means things have to change during the break times. I'm sure he has prep work, etc. to do to get ready for starting again in the fall, but the rules UK has seem easy enough.

And I totally understand needing time to yourself! I feel horrible for DH, for months now he's had me at home... all the time. I've just felt so sick. So very, very sick. And I've been useless at home. So I'm sure he's getting frustrated with it too.

Do you think your husband is okay? I take tons of lying around the house time even when I'm feeling fine so is this normal or a new thing?

[doctoranda]

pittpurple I think he's just fine. He's a little bit like a teenage boy. Not dressed, just laying around. When I was at the store I realized that is what upsets me. He makes me feel like I have a teenage son instead of a husband. I just came home with the groceries and said I was hot. He then commented on that yesterday I said it wasn't all that hot and it was actually warmer. I replied that I just carried a lot of kilos of groceries walking home from the store (about 10 min walk). He then said "oh sorry .... maybe next time you can ask me to come."

[doctoranda]

neeps, no I am not upset about him not coming. I know he can't read my mind, that why I always ask him everything very explicitly

[tktravels]

Eesh, the not showering plus general feeling of having a teenage son versus a grown man/husband would bother me.

Thanks for sharing this, by the way. It helps to hear about another couple's experience when considering how DH & I deal with things, especially things like both of us now occupying the same 30m2 24/7 while I am on summer break and he is working from home every day.

[clickerish]

This would also annoy me. I can't help it. Busy people attract me, unless it's a short vacation. When we're on break from classes, we have a schedule...it involves more leisure while still putting in time for writing. We also have an unspoken agreement that when one of us has a fellowship or more free time, that person picks up slack at home. I don't think relaxing and taking a break means not doing anything and creating more work for the other person.

In fact, we had to have a conversation last year. Because of my writing process and my current stage, I was spending a lot more time at home writing--so much that she felt she could never be alone in her own home. So, we agreed that I would work afternoons in the library in a carrel. Everyone is happy now.

Then again, I know myself. If I don't have tasks, I get depressed and then I might consider just laying there doing nothing.

[mrsukyankee]

I'm laughing cause I tend to not shower for a while during my breaks and do enjoy lying around quite a bit. But, for example, I did go out and meet friends to see the torch relay followed by a group workout. I'm now doing laundry and have washed the dog. But I'm in shorts and a t-shirt feeling like a comfy blob. Definitely tell him to do some more stuff and that you need some alone time a few times a week.