DH drank

[househunter]

Please know it was his illness of his addiction that caused this relapse, not you.

[flex]

I can't imagine how disappointing this is for you, but just so you know...after 8 months of sobriety I bought and used a gram of coke. I guess I needed to get it out of my system, because I got right back on the sobriety wagon. I have 26 years clean and sober. Slips happen. They really suck but sometimes an alcoholic needs to do this to determine if they really want to be sober or if they're doing it for someone else.

But this probably isn't any consolation for you. This kind of thing hurts and it's hard not be angry. Is what he did a dealbreaker for you?

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, Evelyn. I'm sure you feel betrayed. As others said, it's his disease at work. Is he willing to start with AA again? We always welcome those who come back into the program.

[btay]

((()))

[SwimDeep]

I'm sorry @evelynrichards I'll echo what others have said - this is his disease. While I hope with everything I am that it won't happen, I know it's highly likely that my H will also relapse at some point.

One interesting note that my H made after his last relapse is that AA "gets in his head". Drinking isn't the same for him anymore because of everything he's learned/heard at AA. I hope your H is willing to get back in the program.

[partiallysunny]

::hugs::

Calling the therapist was the right move. I hope he gets right back on the wagon. ::fingers crossed::

[flex]

Please keep going to Al-Anon meetings!!!

[flex]

Aug 11, 2014 8:26:36 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I'm sorry @evelynrichards I'll echo what others have said - this is his disease. While I hope with everything I am that it won't happen, I know it's highly likely that my H will also relapse at some point.

One interesting note that my H made after his last relapse is that AA "gets in his head". Drinking isn't the same for him anymore because of everything he's learned/heard at AA. I hope your H is willing to get back in the program.

This.  I went to several meetings before I really accepted I was an alcoholic.  Drinking was no longer as enjoyable after attending a few meetings.  There's a saying in the rooms that "AA ruins your drinking", and it's so true.

[malibu]

Dude. I'm sorry. I'm glad he was honest with you. Does he have a sponsor he can call like, today?

[malibu]

Has he considered online meetings in the interim until he can find an in person meeting he's comfortable with?

I can't remember, are you seeing a therapist you could call and talk to/schedule an appointment? I'm having those same angry/anxious feelings as you with some impending work trips. Angry that I can't just go and trust my H will not drink, and anxiety for the same reason. I'm also sick of the slack I'm having to pick up. I've had to have some CTJ talks with H about them and explain how I'm feeling to him like he's five. It's like he really didn't understand how much I was/am still doing until I spelled it all out for him like I was going down a to-do list. He switched ADs and that seems to be helping now. Does your H take any meds that may need to be adjusted/changed?

I sound like I'm talking out of my ass here. LOL

[flex]

@evelynrichards: it seems like I recall that you were trying to make yourself go to Al-Anon meetings, right? So it sounds like your DH feels like he needs to "make himself" go to AA meetings. Could the two of you work on encouraging the other to attend the meetings that the both of you CLEARLY need to attend to "get better"?

See where I'm going with this? The two of you need to show the other you're willing to do what it takes to improve your marriage relationship as well as improve the relationship with yourself. Make sense?

[btay]

It is ok to be angry, and I think it's ok to be honest with your H about how you feel. Do not think you need to protect him from the consequences of his slip.

[bronco]

I'm so sorry. I can imagine some of the feelings you're having. I don't have and advice but just wanted to offer support. I would imagine Al Anon could be helpful in this situation. (((Hugs)))

[irishbride2]

H's therapist said that 6-10 months is the hardest. He drank around 8 months, too.

::hugs::

[malibu]

I'm so sorry, @evelynrichards. You're in the position I'm hoping never to deal with again.

When can you contact the therapist? Is it at all possible it's one he's not aware is in the house? Not to make excuses at all, but if he'd been hiding things for a while, it could be a possibility he didn't even remember it was there. Would you be comfortable confronting him about it? Maybe that's the best step, if you're able to gauge if he's lying or if he's truly surprised you found what you did.

[Bernadine]

If you shutdown, and he gets pissy and defensive, I think you're best off waiting to discuss it until you're with your therapist, who can guide you through the discussion. I'm so sorry.

[malibu]

Ugh. That's not good. When are you able to talk/see your/his therapist?

[flex]

I think you're making a wise choice to hold off on following up with DH's therapist. You need to take care of you and your mom first and foremost. : )

[Bernadine]

Aug 18, 2014 13:00:07 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Aug 18, 2014 12:37:46 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

If you shutdown, and he gets pissy and defensive, I think you're best off waiting to discuss it until you're with your therapist, who can guide you through the discussion. I'm so sorry.

I think this is probably the best idea. I know I'll be contacting the therapist at some point anyway, so I might as well do it with him. DH and I haven't had a joint session since he first went into recovery, so I know he'll be suspicious ... but whatever!

I'm also the shutdown type   I think that's a good decision.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[SwimDeep]

I agree with flex - the most immediate concern right now is your mom. You know your H is still struggling, but he's not the priority right now. You've already said that your emotional energy needs to go towards your mom, so let that be your first concern. Clearly, he thinks he has his issues under control, so there will be time/energy to deal with your H later. Your counselor might have some good ideas for suggesting a joint session to him.

I am still trying to figure out how to get my H to come to counseling with me. I also have a tendency to shut down, so every time I bring up couples therapy, he knows I'm so pissed off at him that I can't even talk to him face-to-face without a mediator.

If anyone has any advice regarding this, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Deleted]

Agree with the others that talking it out with his therapist is a good idea. You must feel so stressed between your H and your mom. I hope you are able to get a few minutes of me-time each day. You need to take care of yourself even better than your family members right now.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this.

[SwimDeep]

I will be the first to admit that my communication skills are poor and I hate confrontation, so I'm not sure anything I say here will be useful.

I would want to email him because that method puts some distance between myself and the confrontation. It might also give him time to read/process what you say and think about his response.
At the same time, though, something makes me think a conversation like this would be better if it were face-to-face.

How do you think he'll take it? Would calling him at work before dinner make dinner conversation tense/awkward?

Hopefully others here will have more advice.

[SwimDeep]

Aug 19, 2014 12:37:58 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Yeah, I think it would make dinner awkward, but I don't know if it matters. Honestly, I'm just so freaking tired at the moment. I'm not even sure I have the energy to do this.

I think the most important thing here is to take care of YOU first. You're fatigued, so you need to give yourself space to rest. I know if I was to come to my H with a confrontational issue, he and I would be arguing/talking for hours (possibly even days). So I don't bring up contentious subjects when I'm tired.
My thoughts have so much more clarity once I've gotten some good sleep.

[SwimDeep]

Knowing is good, and it was good that he was eventually honest with you even if he tried to deny it at first. Hopefully you'll be able to get some rest now that you don't have to wonder anymore.

(((hugs)))

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, Evelyn. You will do the right thing. Just remember you don't have to make any decisions right now. Give it a little time. He obviously isn't done drinking.

[Bernadine]

Aug 18, 2014 15:24:12 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I agree with flex - the most immediate concern right now is your mom. You know your H is still struggling, but he's not the priority right now. You've already said that your emotional energy needs to go towards your mom, so let that be your first concern. Clearly, he thinks he has his issues under control, so there will be time/energy to deal with your H later. Your counselor might have some good ideas for suggesting a joint session to him.

I am still trying to figure out how to get my H to come to counseling with me. I also have a tendency to shut down, so every time I bring up couples therapy, he knows I'm so pissed off at him that I can't even talk to him face-to-face without a mediator.

If anyone has any advice regarding this, I would greatly appreciate it.

If your h won't go, it's still worth it for you to go alone.  A good counselor can help you work on your communication skills, so you don't shut down.  And I say that as a shut-it-down-er

[btay]

Thinking of you (())

[flex]

You do what's best for you. To me, the drinking would be a deal breaker, but the timing isn't right to lower the boom yet. I completely understand wanting to wait a bit to make decisions. (((hugs)))

It's so typical of an active alcoholic to say "nothing terrible has happened" after they've taken those first few drinks--a more accurate thing to say is "nothing terrible has happened---yet".