Post by Alwaysabridesmaidf on Aug 11, 2014 11:11:55 GMT -5
Hi All, I wanted to pop and in and do an intro before I start asking questions. I am 30 and my H is 35. We have been married for almost 4 years, together for 9 and expecting our first baby in September. My H struggled with an H addiction for about 4-5 years in his teens. He has been clean from that for about 20 years. He has however struggled with alchohol pretty much since then. The shortest possible version of the story is he used to binge drink infrequently for years with bouts of everyday drinking in between then. When we met, he was really just binge drinking during social events like parties or camping which happened about 4 times a year. I recognized it as a problem right away and after about 2 years, it started to effect our relationship. We started avoiding those sorts of situations and for the most part it seemeed like he had it under control. We got engaged and after about a year, things started getting bad again. I would come home and he would be drunk. This happened every couple of weeks. A few months before the wedding we talked and he decided to seek individual counseling. Again things were ok for a while and then they fell right back to where they were. Rinse, wash, repeat. About a year and half ago he started hiding alchohol around the house and getting drunk randomly. He recognized it pretty quickly that the problem was "returning" and got himself back to counseling. He would never admit to being an alchoholic. Just that he had a problem. Things had been good. In March, shortly after I got pregnant we had an incident that spurred us to enter couples counsling. It has been amazing for our relationship but a few weeks ago the drinking started again. We had been talking about it in therapy and he had made some great progress. This time when he drank, he didn't lie about it. He came to me right away and told me. This was so different from all the other times that I was simultaneously sad and disappointed but proud. It felt like a small victory. We talk about it a lot in therapy now. and a few weeks ago, he came to us and finally said that he believes he is an alchoholic. He began AA 3 weeks ago. After the first session, he drank. He then got the big book and reads it every night. He has been sober for 14 days today. After his meeting on Saturda, he admitted to me this weekend that this is the longest he has been sober in 21 years. He was terrified to tell me because all this time I thought he had boughts of sobriety. Some lasting 8 months. But he had been very good at hiding it. Again with the conflicting emotions. I was sad and hurt that I had been lied to all this time but so GOD DAMN proud that he was admitting it now. That he loves the program and the book. And that he has been sober for 14 days after such a long battle. Every day is a struggle for him and although I have never struggled with addiction and I can never truly understand, I can appreciate his battle. I don't see his set backs as a personal insult to me anymore. I know that his disease has nothing to do with his love for me. He loves me and I love him.
And on that note, my question. I can't keep him sober. I can't really help him in this journey but I want to be as supportive as possible. Is it ok for me to recognize his milestones? He told me today that it was 14 days. I was getting ready to shoot him a quick email to tell him I love him and I am proud of him but I don't want to bring it up and make it harder for him.
If you made it through this you get a cookie! Thanks for your help.
I made it through! Good for him on his 14 days. That's great
Honestly, I'd ask your H. Does he want you to recognize them? Since he told you he's on two weeks today, I'd take it as a sign that he does. But everyone's different. Maybe flex can shed more light as she's on the other side of things than I am.
Congrats on impending baby, too September's not far away! With that said, too, I'd have your H make sure he's got his sponsor and an action plan in place. Newborns can be hard, those first few weeks home are very disruptive to routines and sleep. I know my H drank a little more heavily after DD and I came home from the hospital. I'd ask him if he knows what tools he plans to use if he gets shaken when baby comes home.
I can only speak from my own personal experience--acknowledging milestones by non-AA'ers is very important to the recovering addict/alcoholic. Acknowledging and encouraging him on his 14 days is a good thing--not a bad thing.
It's great he's reading the Big Book and attending meetings, but he needs to get a sponsor as soon as possible. Has he indicated he has one?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
He has not yet. He mentioned he got a guys phone number 2 meetings ago. His meeting is pretty large and last week was the first week that he felt comfortable enough to talk. This coming weekend is the first weekend that he will be able to stay after the meeting to socialize so he is hoping to make some connections then. I will definitely talk to him about it though.
I made it through! Good for him on his 14 days. That's great
Honestly, I'd ask your H. Does he want you to recognize them? Since he told you he's on two weeks today, I'd take it as a sign that he does. But everyone's different. Maybe flex can shed more light as she's on the other side of things than I am.
Congrats on impending baby, too September's not far away! With that said, too, I'd have your H make sure he's got his sponsor and an action plan in place. Newborns can be hard, those first few weeks home are very disruptive to routines and sleep. I know my H drank a little more heavily after DD and I came home from the hospital. I'd ask him if he knows what tools he plans to use if he gets shaken when baby comes home.
This is definitely something we have talked a lot about in therapy. Our life is going to be crazy for a while once the baby is here and we both want to have a plan in place before then. I am hoping he gets a sponsor this weekend and learns how to use that person.
I made it through! Good for him on his 14 days. That's great
Honestly, I'd ask your H. Does he want you to recognize them? Since he told you he's on two weeks today, I'd take it as a sign that he does. But everyone's different. Maybe flex can shed more light as she's on the other side of things than I am.
Congrats on impending baby, too September's not far away! With that said, too, I'd have your H make sure he's got his sponsor and an action plan in place. Newborns can be hard, those first few weeks home are very disruptive to routines and sleep. I know my H drank a little more heavily after DD and I came home from the hospital. I'd ask him if he knows what tools he plans to use if he gets shaken when baby comes home.
This is definitely something we have talked a lot about in therapy. Our life is going to be crazy for a while once the baby is here and we both want to have a plan in place before then. I am hoping he gets a sponsor this weekend and learns how to use that person.
So, so, so much emphasis on the bolded. Granted, our situation was a little different (twins, NICU time) but my H really wasn't drinking much until our boys came home. The stress of no sleep, working on top of no sleep, crying babies, ect, ect started the downward spiral for my H. Hopefully since you have been doing therapy that can help prevent a lot of the stress and communication breakdowns that can happen. Enjoy the last bit of your pregnancy!!
Running in late, but I'm glad you are here. I would echo that recognizing his 14 days would be totally appropriate. As an AA, the support is always appreciated. My family has been a tremendous support in my sobriety.
ETA: He began AA 3 weeks ago. After the first session, he drank.
I did this too! Even though I thought those people were onto something, I went home and drank because there was still a half bottle of wine in my house. Wouldn't want that to go to waste! Going to AA has ruined my drinking. The desire left shortly after I admitted I was an alcoholic and turned my life and will over to God. It really has worked for me, one day at a time.