ED: Can I Just Get This Out?

[MauMau]

It's late and I opened this. So instead of lurking. I want to say I'm sorry that your struggle with an ED. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I understand how hard tHese thoughts are you have in your head. It's great that you write them out. *hugs*

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you are having such a bad night. Those thoughts that just go around and around in my head are maddening. Mine are usually negative thoughts about someone(s) that are totally unfounded. It's tough living with a squirrel cage in your head.

Hope you can get some sleep.

[SwimDeep]

I missed the OP, but I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and are having a better morning. It definitely helps me to get thoughts out. Sometimes I'll write all of the horrible things I'm thinking out on a piece of paper and then light the paper on fire. Watching the words burn and then washing the ashes down the drain is cathartic for me and somehow helps me let them go (at least for a little while).

[Deleted]

I like your idea about writing the thoughts on paper, SwimDeep. They just don't seem as intimidating that way. When I remember to do this, I can leave them for the morning. (Never tried burning the paper, but can see how that would be cathartic.)

OP, hope you are doing better this morning.

[malibu]

I missed the OP, but I hope you're doing well.

[just]

Thanks for all the good wishes. I had a crappy night, and it was hard to face the day this morning, but I had a productive day in work so that always helps.

My husband also asked me to make Gumbo for dinner, which is involved and means that I'll be busy and will eat it since it's yummy.

Thanks again for the thoughts.

[mel]

Thinking of you and hoping you are doing better.

[just]

So it's another night, and I feel like crap. I don't want to dominate this burgeoning board so I guess I'm peeing on this thread and making it mine?

Another shitty night. My food intake has been fine. I've had a couple of drinks.

I'm going on this huge trip in 10days. First SF for a wedding on my DH's side for 4 days, then directly to Rome for a wedding on my side, then 5 days at 'home' and then back to here.

My weight is a MASSIVE trigger issue for me. For the SF wedding I'm meeting all my DH's friends for the first time in 6 years and ....well ... now I'm fat

For the Rome wedding it's my HighSchool friends. They've seen me recently but both are svelte and beautiful and I'm ... not.

And then I go home to meet with my newly Alzheimerzed father, my sisters who are caring for him and my mother's gravestone.

So

So ....

It did help to type all of this out. Thank you all.

[SwimDeep]

That's a lot to deal with just ... Maybe you could try to focus more on the places your visiting? I would love to see Rome someday! Will you have a chance to do any sightseeing?

And I also worry about dominating the board sometimes. If writing it all out helps, though, keep writing it all out! It's a great way to process stressful situations and heavy emotions.
I'm glad you're here

[just]

I do keep a personal journal, but I like the interaction posting my thoughts on here causes. However, if inappropriate or AW, please let me know.

I'm by myself tonight and doing ok, but thinking a lot about something my therapist asked me. Why do I hate myself so much? I haven't experienced abuse. I've had a blessed life. But my thoughts about myself are completely black.

She's suggested it was to do with my spoiled status as younger child, and while pressure wasn't placed on me, I assumed imaginary pressure that I couldn't live up to.

While this makes sense, it seems so tame. It doesn't seem to match the severity of thoughts I have about myself. I feel like I'm searching for other things that justify the hatred inside of me. I hate the thought that I did this with collusion from my loving doting parents.

At times I feel like I'm searching but friends suggest these may be significant. I lived abroad for a number of years, and experienced incidents that many would consider traumatic - a group of men groping me( with a male friend not stopping it ), a man who had access to my apartment but was not a friend standing over me while I sleep, a significant molestation in public. But all of my friends who lived in this country experienced similar situations. We addressed them as wrong at the time, with anger, with directness, with assertiveness. At the time, I walked away from all of these situations a little shaken but feeling that I'd handled them appropriately and  if moved on. But now, when my therapist asks if I've ever felt unsafe, and I answer no, I'm not sure if that's the correct answer.

[just]

Aug 20, 2014 8:10:01 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

That's a lot to deal with just ... Maybe you could try to focus more on the places your visiting? I would love to see Rome someday! Will you have a chance to do any sightseeing?

And I also worry about dominating the board sometimes. If writing it all out helps, though, keep writing it all out! It's a great way to process stressful situations and heavy emotions.
I'm glad you're here

Thank you so much for this, and all of your responses. I really appreciate the time you take to respond, and the fact that I feel you're coming to the board for a different but similar perspective (if that makes sense)

Your comment about focusing on the travel really resonated with me, because I LOVE travel. Although I bought the guide book for Rome, and dug up our SF guidebook, I feel that I've been going through the motions with the excitement.

That made me think about ADs and if I need to get back on them (I'm not currently on anything after a shitty experience). I have it on my list to talk to my therapist at my next appt.

Thanks again for taking the time to listen to my rambling.

[SwimDeep]

just - I'm glad you're still rambling because I like to ramble too

I'm working on a final paper right now, so I don't have a lot of time to comment, but I did want to make two quick notes.

1) Everyone reacts to and processes trauma differently. Just because you feel like you had the appropriate reactions at the time those traumatic experiences happen, doesn't mean you've been able to process them. (Also, holy shit...no wonder you feel anxiety about traveling!)

2) I also spend a lot of time trying to justify my hatred of myself. Unfortunately, the answers come too easily for me now because so many people in my life (family) who I thought genuinely loved me were really just using me. If the people who are supposed to love me treat me like crap, doesn't that mean I really am crap?
Is it possible that what happened to you during your travels made you feel "less"? You were treated as less than human. An object. Something that could be used/misused no matter how you felt about it? That's a lot to deal with!

I also have a lot of trouble dealing with the thought that I don't "deserve" love or kindness. For some reason, I don't feel like the fact that I exist means I have a right to happiness. I'm really struggling with that right now, and it's nice to ramble on the Internet with people who "get it".

I'll be back later...just gotta finish the paper...

[spedrunner]

journaling ALWAYS makes me feel sooooooooooo much better. I have come so far in the past year in my recovery. You may want to check out my blog. I have a lot of ED discussion, topics, posts, info, etc Its very positive

Hang in there!! There will be bad days and there will be good..........stay strong and I promise you , the good days will start to outnumber the bad!