How do you forget the past?

[notsocreepylurker]

I hope it is OK if I post this here.  This has more to do with ME forgetting/getting over my own past issues but I thought this board might have some helpful suggestions.

How do you get over things that have happened in the past? How do you forget them and move on with life?  

I seem to be stuck in a mindset of all my failed attempts at dieting, dating and just being a "normal" person.  When I look to the future I don't see anything to be honest.  I only see all my failures from my past.

Besides counselling, are there any books or podcasts to help get over your past?

[flex]

All I can say is it says in the AA 9th Step Promises is that "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

It's important learn from your past mistakes and not repeat them. But remember that what is past is past; today is a new day. Beating yourself over something that's already happened is wasted energy. You can't go back and change it by all that negative self talk.

[malibu]

I'm still trying to figure this out. I'm holding my H, newly in his sobriety, to his past transgressions, and I need to let those go. I'm working on it one day at a time. If I come home and he's sober, it brings the trust in him up a notch, which in turn seems to wipe a bit of the past away.

I'm attempting to talk myself into accepting who I am today and trying to forget some of the past. I try to tell myself that everything I've said and done has brought me and made me the person I am today. I try not to look at my past as failures, rather as another brick in the wall (I can't resist a chance to quote Pink Floyd) of the person I've become in my mid-30s. Am I always happy with that person? No, but I can see it as a place to start to change something I may not be happy with about myself.

[SwimDeep]

I used to think that it was my duty to forget the past. As a daughter in the patriarchal, fundamentalist, independent Baptist movement, it was expected that I forgive without question, no matter what harm had been done to me.

That expectation has torn me to shreds. So, no - I don't forget. I can forgive, but I will not forget. And I will not put myself or those I love in the position to be hurt again.

I apologize if this comes across too sharp. I'm feeling a lot of pain today.

If I can offer an analogy...
When you accidentally burn yourself on the edge of a hot pan, you don't blame the pan. But you do remember to be more careful around the edges of hot pans.

[flex]

In church I learned that instead of "forgive and forget" to "forgive and to remember with mercy."

[btay]

Aug 18, 2014 16:10:19 GMT -5 flex said:

In church I learned that instead of "forgive and forget" to "forgive and to remember with mercy."

 I love this, and I think it is important to remember this not just when dealing with others, but with yourself as well. 

[Deleted]

Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. But you can't change your past. Only learn from it and become a better person for it.

If you get any suggestions for books or references, I'll be interested too. It's a great question.

[notsocreepylurker]

Thanks everyone

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 18, 2014 15:34:44 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I used to think that it was my duty to forget the past. As a daughter in the patriarchal, fundamentalist, independent Baptist movement, it was expected that I forgive without question, no matter what harm had been done to me.

That expectation has torn me to shreds. So, no - I don't forget. I can forgive, but I will not forget. And I will not put myself or those I love in the position to be hurt again.

I apologize if this comes across too sharp. I'm feeling a lot of pain today.

If I can offer an analogy...
When you accidentally burn yourself on the edge of a hot pan, you don't blame the pan. But you do remember to be more careful around the edges of hot pans.

I'm a PK as well (progressive Lutheran) and there's an element to forgiveness I was taught as well - as in you forgive everyone regardless of what they do to you.

what stbxh did to me (and dd as well) I CANNOT forgive or forget but a pastor told me this once - reconciliation might not be possible for obvious reasons but your spirit needs forgiveness to move on. made a TON of sense to me bc I was raised to associate forgiveness with reconciliation. it was so freeing to realize that I could forgive and NOT reconcile w/ the person. I got rid of the spiritual baggage and forgave but as for reconciliation .. that'll be a cold day in hell

[SwimDeep]

pinkdutchtulips - what you wrote makes a lot of sense. My issue right now is that I've only just started processing all of the anger I've been repressing. I feel like a lot of people take forgiveness for granted. (I know my family just expects it from me, and then I become the person with the problem if I don't immediately say "I forgive you" to salve their conscious...)

My therapist has told me that anger is a secondary emotion, and that it often follows hurt. I know she's right, and I think I have enough faith left to believe that I will eventually be able to work through all of this anger/pain and then practice genuine forgiveness.