I want to preface this by saying I'm safe. I just want to get this out. I'm struggling today. For the past three weeks I've maxed out my stress levels. Instead of prioritizing, I've been attempting to deal with everything at once. Now, I'm spent. Exhausted. And I still have a To Do list more than a page long.
I have not been able to stop thinking about hurting myself. The idea of a knife in my hand gives me chilling satisfaction...again, I'm safe. Please don't freak out. I CANNOT call anyone. I don't have good insurance. I can't afford to go inpatient. I can't afford to sleep all afternoon because I have a final paper due by midnight tonight. I cannot talk to anyone about it because everyone I know freaks out when I try to open up to them.
I want to find a cave that I can curl up in and not care anymore. And at the same time I want to beat myself to a pulp for being so weak.
I'm going to put my head down and finish this paper. I just had to put this somewhere.
@evelynrichards - I actually have that number saved in my cellphone's contact list. I'm not alone right now. I'm ok...just... I think I'm just stressed. What I'd really like to do right now is sleep. But I can't.
Thank you for responding. I know you're going through a lot right now too. I hope you're having a good day!
What's your paper on? I'm a really good bullshitter. I'll do it for you and you can sleep?
Seriously, I'm sorry you're struggling. As you've noticed with my recent posts, sometimes for me just writing the things out helps reduce the severity of the thoughts. They don't go away but it makes a little room for me get through my day.
I hope that this post helped. If not, or not enough, maybe taking 5 minutes every hour and just doing a flow of consciousness journaling could help free your head up a little? Other things that help are mindlessness stuff. I find if the thoughts are getting too noisy - if I take 5 minutes and play solitaire or Rules! they quiet for a little while so I can get back to work.
I think you know though that these are all temporary strategies to get you through today. I think you should find some more long-term strategies once you've met your deadline tonight.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
thanks just...I've been playing a lot of solitaire and mahjong today. It's getting me through. Writing things out here helped too. I've been able to focus enough to be almost done. That much closer to sleep!
The paper is an evaluation proposal that involves some sort of healthcare information technology. I chose to propose an evaluation of the Microsoft HealthVault. My problem is I don't have any first-hand experience with the healthcare field, so this class has had a steep learning curve for me. I'm about two pages away from being done...just got to keep typing.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
I hope the last couple of pages went well and that you can get some sleep.
If your interested in a new mindless game, check out Rules! It's my new obsession.
I just finished turning it in! Just wanted to check in and let y'all know before passing out for a while. I'll definitely check out Rules tomorrow. Thanks for the recommendation!
I hope the last couple of pages went well and that you can get some sleep.
If your interested in a new mindless game, check out Rules! It's my new obsession.
I just finished turning it in! Just wanted to check in and let y'all know before passing out for a while. I'll definitely check out Rules tomorrow. Thanks for the recommendation!
Hey, nice work! Glad to hear you got it done. Hope your night got better. I have been thinking of you because I have felt the same way numerous times. Big, big hugs to you.
...soooo tired... but the thoughts aren't nearly as intense today. I think finishing the paper helped lift some of the stress. I took last Friday off work to make sure I would get it done by the deadline, so I had a few fires to put out at work today, but I think I've caught up pretty well.
Post by cinnamoncox on Aug 25, 2014 10:42:52 GMT -5
Swimdeep I am glad you aren't having as many bad thoughts. I wish you had a person to call that didn't freak out when you opened up. Is there anyone you can just say look I need to be able to vent to? A sister or BFF or anyone? I understand people worry, but if they want to help and know how to help (just listening vs doing something) maybe that could work?