Need advice: I want to shake my little sister

[flex]

She lives near my mom. She's bi-polar and I think she isn't taking any medication. She's not handling my mom's illness very well, plus she concerned about my stepdad (he has major health issues too). She's been working for my stepdad for 24 years now. She has a gambling addiction, has made many poor choices in her life and I could go on and on. My parents have been helping her out financially for years. They are her landlord and she pays reduced rent. She's not a model employee, but my stepdad puts up with it. I think if she tried to work anywhere else and pulled those kinds of shenanigans, she'd be fired post-haste. And I think she knows it.



At any rate, she telling me everything around her is depressing (my mom, my stepdad, a friend of hers who is dying of an enlarged heart, etc.) and she feels alone. She says she's looking around for good and isn't having much luck. She keeps putting off appointments to get meds and won't respond to my family when they reach out to help her.



I'm preparing to have a "come to Jesus" talk with her while I'm down there, but I was wondering if any of you can offer advice on dealing with her. I don't want to bawl her out because that won't do any good. ::le sigh::


ETA: She's 44.

[SwimDeep]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer (((hugs))). It sounds like a tough situation

[Deleted]

I answered you over on ML. This is a toughie, flex. She needs to be on her meds for sure. Maybe you can have a gentle talk with her. I doubt confronting her is going to change her at this point.

[flex]

yes, it is a toughie. It all started with me texting her and asking how she was doing. When she started complaining about being 'all alone' was when I had a put to stop to what she was saying. And it wasn't a bawling out. Anyway, I'm not going to ask how she's doing via text anymore.

I have no plans to confront her, but we will be talking while I'm in Oregon. There's lots and lots of people wanting to help her, but she has to want that help. I was that way when I was still drinking and using, and I do understand putting pressure on her does little good, because it did little good for me until I was ready.

[btay]

Do you attend Al Anon as well as AA? I think the best thing you can do is focus on your program and get through everything as best you can. Lead by example and show her that there are ways to get through the toughest of times if you utilize the tools provided.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Albus Dumbledore

[flex]

I don't attend Al-Anon because I don't live close enough to my sister to be affected by her actions. Plus I've worked the Steps over this and I talk to my sponsor on a regular basis about it.

However, after I move back in Oregon in a few years, and if my relationship with my sister is truly suffering, I would contemplate attending Al-Anon. : )

[Deleted]

Aug 25, 2014 0:22:08 GMT -5 flex said:

yes, it is a toughie. It all started with me texting her and asking how she was doing. When she started complaining about being 'all alone' was when I had a put to stop to what she was saying. And it wasn't a bawling out. Anyway, I'm not going to ask how she's doing via text anymore.

I have no plans to confront her, but we will be talking while I'm in Oregon. There's lots and lots of people wanting to help her, but she has to want that help. I was that way when I was still drinking and using, and I do understand putting pressure on her does little good, because it did little good for me until I was ready.

You know when I was in my depths, I used to complain about being so lonely too!  Even though I had a family.  Even though I had friends.  

Honestly, when a girlfriend would ask if I wanted to go out for dinner, I'd make up some lame-o excuse to be at home.  I just didn't want to be around people.  At nearly the same time, I'd be thinking how sad and alone I was!!  Crazy talk.  So what I'm saying is maybe there is some of that going on.  The isolating and denying there are people that care and would like to help.  

I hope this makes a little sense.

[partiallysunny]

I think you said it best: She has to want help.

At 44, I think any change would be pretty amazing.

I don't think having a talk would hurt, as long as it's a "this comes from a place of concern" chat. Maybe ask why shes putting off getting help and try to be as supportive as possible. See where that gets you before committing to tough love.

You might talk to her and decide she will probably never change. That's okay. There is no rule that says it's your responsibility to change your sister to be a productive member of society.

[Deleted]

I like to think people can change. The people I've met in recovery are proof of that. However, you are so correct that a person has to want to change. And sometimes even just wanting it isn't enough.

[spedrunner]

I am sorry flex.  Unfortunately there is not much you can do. You can only control you and your actions.  She needs to make her own decisions 


sounds like your parents are enabling her quite a bit . It's difficult to stop but you can at least make them aware of it.  My mom does the same with my dad (completely enables and babies his addiction) 

oersonally I would probably write a letter to your sister. Let her know how her behavior affects you and your family.  Give her your suggestions and tell her she needs to take the next step. 

I kniw how upsetting things like this can be but you need to remeber they are out of your control. 


Xoxo.  Hang in there strong lady!