tiramisu, maybe he just wanted a little more attention? cuddlyevil, "oh I found these great Doctor who inspired drink on pinterest. If I catch up on the premier this week, maybe I can just come over next Saturday for the new episode. Then there won't be ANY delay in our discussion and we can try delicious beverages!" SwimDeep, I think a joint "house expenses" account is in order.
My parents are coming into town Saturday It'd have to be Friday or next week.
Noooo cuddlyevil, this is even better because you'll have a built in babysitter for Saturday evening!
Kids aren't coming back until later in the evening (like 9pm), plus I dunno what his plans are for the weekend.
I promise his plans are watching Doctor who. Ask him if he's excited about seeing more Peter Capaldi episodes. Yes? Oh we should get together on sat or Sunday and watch the new episode together!
Is he questioning as to why you didn't put $ into the house savings?
Does he think you are not doing a good job with $
Mr. Mags and I have a joint and 2 separate. We each put set amount into joint each month. The rest goes into our own.
I will have more to say after I hear your response.
I am the sole bread winner first because he was finishing school, but now because he has not been able to find a job. (Reasons for not being able to find a job usually involved alcohol. Now that he's sober he has several prospects but very little confidence.)
Yes, he is questioning why I didn't put the agreed upon amount into savings for August. I have explained that I put an extra amount into savings in July and we had extra medical expenses that came due in August. I think we can count the extra savings from July for August and just put the difference into savings (which I could manage). He is upset because "that's not how it would work with a bank" so he wants to find a way to make up the entire amount for August.
No, he does not think I'm doing a good job with the money. He is upset with me because he feels like I should have communicated this to him earlier. I feel like I did communicate this to him at the beginning of August when I let him know that I put extra into savings. He's telling me I never told him.
He wants to look at everything this afternoon to see if he can find a way to save the entire amount for August as well as the entire amount for September (at the beginning of September -- because we agreed to treat savings like a monthly house payment). I want to tell him to go fuck himself.
This is not going to help his image here, but at this point I'm equally as pissed as he is, so I don't give a fuck.
Is he questioning as to why you didn't put $ into the house savings?
Does he think you are not doing a good job with $
Mr. Mags and I have a joint and 2 separate. We each put set amount into joint each month. The rest goes into our own.
I will have more to say after I hear your response.
I am the sole bread winner first because he was finishing school, but now because he has not been able to find a job. (Reasons for not being able to find a job usually involved alcohol. Now that he's sober he has several prospects but very little confidence.)
Yes, he is questioning why I didn't put the agreed upon amount into savings for August. I have explained that I put an extra amount into savings in July and we had extra medical expenses that came due in August. I think we can count the extra savings from July for August and just put the difference into savings (which I could manage). He is upset because "that's not how it would work with a bank" so he wants to find a way to make up the entire amount for August.
No, he does not think I'm doing a good job with the money. He is upset with me because he feels like I should have communicated this to him earlier. I feel like I did communicate this to him at the beginning of August when I let him know that I put extra into savings. He's telling me I never told him.
He wants to look at everything this afternoon to see if he can find a way to save the entire amount for August as well as the entire amount for September (at the beginning of September -- because we agreed to treat savings like a monthly house payment). I want to tell him to go fuck himself.
This is not going to help his image here, but at this point I'm equally as pissed as he is, so I don't give a fuck.
How long has he been without a job?
My opinion is that if you are not putting anything in youd better not fucking complain about me not doing it the way you deem appropriate.
Kids aren't coming back until later in the evening (like 9pm), plus I dunno what his plans are for the weekend.
I promise his plans are watching Doctor who. Ask him if he's excited about seeing more Peter Capaldi episodes. Yes? Oh we should get together on sat or Sunday and watch the new episode together!
And I know he's liking Capaldi so far (I asked the other day), he was nervous about him but I think it's fading some.
Sorry SwimDeep but I am with mags. Once he starts contributing then he can bitch but till then he needs to STFU and find a job.
I agree with this too.
mags - I pretty much did tell him to fuck off...I didn't curse, though. I told him I think he's being completely unreasonable. He left for a meeting with a curt "I'll be back in a little bit."
I'm hoping by the time he gets back I'll have calmed down (because my rage right now is also unreasonable) and we can talk about it a little more evenly.
I mean - the whole point of us moving in with his mom was to get to a better financial state. Why have that flexibility if we can't use it?
SwimDeep I change my opinion. Your first post sounded like a normal "how do we handle shared finances" post. Your update makes him sound a bit controlling, which is unnecessary at best, and completely out of line for someone who isn't contributing at all. Yes, you should make financial decisions together. No, you shouldn't hand over all the household $$ and hope that he does an OK job with it. F him being angry about things.
This makes so much sense! No wonder I feel like I'm overreacting with how angry I am about this. I didn't realize I'm angry because I feel like he's going back to his habit of controlling.
Even if I do feel like he could do a better job with the household finances, there's no way in hell I'm going to slip back into being controlled. Thanks for pointing that out! No wonder I'm so pissed...
ETA: My first post happened before the conversation completely spiraled out of control. At first I thought we could have a successful conversation, but we both got angry really fast.
SwimDeep, that screams "control freak" to me (on his part) and I'd be very pissed off if I were you. I'm sorry.
He doesn't get to try to make you feel like crap about the way you're managing the money when you're doing the best that you can. It's not like things had to be shifted around because of hookers and blow. Things come up in life that we have no control over (medical expenses, a car repair, etc) - that's normal, and you handled it in a very reasonable way.
And a major eye roll at him for the, "that's how it would work at a bank" comment! I'm not a bank, fucker! Ugh!
mags - I pretty much did tell him to fuck off...I didn't curse, though. I told him I think he's being completely unreasonable. He left for a meeting with a curt "I'll be back in a little bit."
I'm hoping by the time he gets back I'll have calmed down (because my rage right now is also unreasonable) and we can talk about it a little more evenly.
I mean - the whole point of us moving in with his mom was to get to a better financial state. Why have that flexibility if we can't use it?
Thank you for the validation!
So, you are living with his mom and he contributes nada...and he wants to be responsible for $$
I am a little confused as to why you are saving for a house when he has no job or money.
How long has he been out of school? whats his degree in?
chalupa - you don't have to apologize. I'm glad you pointed it out because it really didn't occur to me. Now that I understand why I got so angry I'm calming down a bit. He really doesn't like that he's not contributing.
mags - he has been out of a job for almost four years. The first two years he spent finishing a BA in Philosophy. It's been almost two years since he graduated. He missed a lot of opportunities for good jobs because he spent most of his time drunk, and he's really beating himself up about it right now, so I'm trying to be gentle. At the same time, I just want to yell "Back the fuck off!!!"
He doesn't want to live here any longer than we have to, so he's really motivated to save right now. My being a little short for this month's savings apparently means (to him) that I'm not as motivated as I should be.
chalupa - you don't have to apologize. I'm glad you pointed it out because it really didn't occur to me. Now that I understand why I got so angry I'm calming down a bit. He really doesn't like that he's not contributing.
mags - he has been out of a job for almost four years. The first two years he spent finishing a BA in Philosophy. It's been almost two years since he graduated. He missed a lot of opportunities for good jobs because he spent most of his time drunk, and he's really beating himself up about it right now, so I'm trying to be gentle. At the same time, I just want to yell "Back the fuck off!!!"
He doesn't want to live here any longer than we have to, so he's really motivated to save right now. My being a little short for this month's savings apparently means (to him) that I'm not as motivated as I should be.
I'm trying to be gentle too~
4 years of no work, 2 years since graduation, drinking interferes, and he doesn't want to live there nay longer than he has too?
How long sober?
Philosophy? what kind of job is he looking for or not?
chalupa - you don't have to apologize. I'm glad you pointed it out because it really didn't occur to me. Now that I understand why I got so angry I'm calming down a bit. He really doesn't like that he's not contributing.
mags - he has been out of a job for almost four years. The first two years he spent finishing a BA in Philosophy. It's been almost two years since he graduated. He missed a lot of opportunities for good jobs because he spent most of his time drunk, and he's really beating himself up about it right now, so I'm trying to be gentle. At the same time, I just want to yell "Back the fuck off!!!"
He doesn't want to live here any longer than we have to, so he's really motivated to save right now. My being a little short for this month's savings apparently means (to him) that I'm not as motivated as I should be.
But, you had a valid reason for being short--paying off a few bills now will help you in the long run. You're making excuses for him. He should be involved, but he shouldn't the final say or total control over everything.
chalupa - you don't have to apologize. I'm glad you pointed it out because it really didn't occur to me. Now that I understand why I got so angry I'm calming down a bit. He really doesn't like that he's not contributing.
mags - he has been out of a job for almost four years. The first two years he spent finishing a BA in Philosophy. It's been almost two years since he graduated. He missed a lot of opportunities for good jobs because he spent most of his time drunk, and he's really beating himself up about it right now, so I'm trying to be gentle. At the same time, I just want to yell "Back the fuck off!!!"
He doesn't want to live here any longer than we have to, so he's really motivated to save right now. My being a little short for this month's savings apparently means (to him) that I'm not as motivated as I should be.
I don't mean to sound like a bitch and I am sorry if this is going to come off that way but I have to say it.
So he has brought no income to the table for 4 years, and I assume has spend plenty (Especially if he was drinking a lot) but YOU are the one not taking saving money seriously?
Do you have children that he at least has been caring for - meaning he was saving you money in day care costs?
He freaks out when he feels like he's being lied to, and because he doesn't remember our previous conversations about this he feels like I'm lying to him about it.
I enabled his drinking by being his drinking buddy, so I don't resent him for all the money we spent on alcohol/drunk food. He's been sober four months now. I DO NOT like that he puts extra pressure on me instead of focusing on himself. He has always done this. I'm only just now starting to recognize it.
He is planning on going back to school for a masters in business. He has thought about teaching/coaching at the high school level, but his anxiety is really holding him back right now. And, no, he doesn't want to go to the doctor. He usually does pretty well managing his anxiety with exercise, but he's hurt his foot and hasn't been able to do what he usually does.
Thank you - everyone - so much for validating my gut reactions here. I really, really appreciate it!