i told my mom "NO". and proceeded to kick her out of the house.
ETA: short version: my parents are being ridculously unfair between my brother and i, and are basically giving him a $3k gift, just because he is a boy, and i am not.
long version:
i don't know if my mom and i have ever fought like this before. i've mentioned before about how things are completely unfair between the way my brother and i are treated. well, today iced the cake. so, in chinese culture, we always have a "welcome baby" party....where we invite people to meet the baby for the first time...usually when the baby is one month old.
my brother is coming into town next month, and he is going to have his party...my parents asked to borrow money for it, bc my brother doesn't have enough money..and my brother would be able to pay it right back, after he collected all the gifts/money that people give him for the party.
i said okay, but i'm loaning the money to my brother, because i'm tired of my brother thinking my parents have money, and taking advantage of them. if i lend my parents the money, to lend to my brother, he will continue to think my parents have money.
today my mom tells me that i can't do that, because my dad offered to pay for the party.....i said that's not fair, because i paid for my own/bjl's party...and my parents have always preached about being "fair" to the kids.
my mom said, "well your dad's inviting a lot of his friends".....umm..he invited a lot of his friends to my party, too. and it's not like his friends don't give gifts enough to "pay back" their seat.
then she said "well your brother doesn't have very much money....it's not like i was *given* my money..i worked for it, too. and it's not my fault my brother had the option of going to college paid for by my parents and he chose not to. my brother chose to make irresponsible decisions with his money, like buy designer clothing, and new xboxes just because.
she said "your dad already offered to pay"...and i reminded her that it's just not fair...and i wanted her to tell me that it wasn't fair, but she refused to...she said "you know, things aren't' fair between me and my brothers, too". and i told her that when i was younger, she told me that was exactly the case..that's why they told me things would be fair between my brother and i. so i told her that when i was younger, she said she wanted to move to america, so things could be fair....she said "my brothers and i lived in america, and things still weren't fair"....i asked her how that's "fair" at all to me..and she said "well your baby's last name is XX, his baby's last name is XX".......?? and she said "things are different after you get married.."
so i said..fine..it's not fair..but tell me if this is RIGHT. and she refused to answer.....
i told her i was going to take bjl to MIL's house..and she asked "are you kicking me out?" and i said no..you're welcome to stay...but i'm taking her to MIL's. so she got up and left...
she sat in my driveway the whole time...when i was ready to leave 30 mins later, she was still in the driveway crying...so i knocked on her door, she didn't look at me...knocked again..didn't look at me...knocked again..didn't look at me.. so i put bjl in the car, and then knocked again...she still didn't look at me. so i left.
you guys know how close i am with my mom, so this is a pretty big deal. worst part is now i have to sit through a full day of work and pretend everything is just fine.
Post by georgeharrison on Jul 25, 2012 14:43:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry Jenn. I know you were looking forward to time with your mom today. I'm sad for you that it turned out so badly. I hope you and her can come to common ground soon.
You should really write a book. I found this little post soooo interesting. And even though I am Irish-American , I can TOTALLY relate.
On to your problem - why not just TELL brother that you gave parents the money for the baby party? Besides cultural norms, it sounds like your parents are ashamed to admit they can't pay for the party. That's why she keeps saying, 'we told him we would. To me, that's code for Don't make us admit now that we can't.'
Oh man. It is really unfair and I think... well, you are Chinese. There is just a line that your parents keep crossing. I feel really bad for your mom though, cause I bet she realizes just how unfair it is but she can't do anything about it without crossing your dad I bet.
On a side note, I've already heard the whole differences between my kids and my brother's future kids. My dad is pushing my brother to get married quickly so he can have a grandson. I was like: ... he's getting a grandson. But no, Thor does not count cause his last name is different. Frustrating.
The bolded has to be very frustrating. I know it's a cultural thing but your son is still his grandson same last name or not.
My dad is pushing my brother to get married quickly so he can have a grandson. I was like: ... he's getting a grandson. But no, Thor does not count cause his last name is different. Frustrating.
yep. i know you totally get it. i hope your parents will be more fair than mine.
my brother is the worst. he always thinks mom and dad have money, and always tell me "just have mom and dad pay for it"....he doesn't know that i'm halfway supporting my parents already. whenever i bring it up that mom and dad DON'T have money..."he says, yes they do, they work for XX, i KNOW they make good money"....well...they don't. and he won't listen and will just stop talking to me (we don't live in the same state, so him avoiding me is really easy).
Ugh, I'm sorry Jenn! I'm not Chinese, but I do have a spoiled and heavily favored little brother who hasn't had to work for a single thing in his life. My parents just have no concept of it. So I kinda get it, but I know it's a hundred times more complicated with the cultural implications.
aw I'm sorry H fights his mom on stuff like this, she cries/yells/calls him terrible things etc because she wants her way. I think you and your H just need to decide what's best for your family and stick to it. good luck
Oh man. It is really unfair and I think... well, you are Chinese. There is just a line that your parents keep crossing. I feel really bad for your mom though, cause I bet she realizes just how unfair it is but she can't do anything about it without crossing your dad I bet.
On a side note, I've already heard the whole differences between my kids and my brother's future kids. My dad is pushing my brother to get married quickly so he can have a grandson. I was like: ... he's getting a grandson. But no, Thor does not count cause his last name is different. Frustrating.
The bolded has to be very frustrating. I know it's a cultural thing but your son is still his grandson same last name or not.
in most asian cultures, really, he's not. women get married into someone else's family, and that's it. you are no longer part of your parents' family. it just depends on how traditional they are. i always thought my parents would be more americanized than this. "blood-wise", yes, they're grandkids, but socially/culturally, they're not.
The bolded has to be very frustrating. I know it's a cultural thing but your son is still his grandson same last name or not.
in most asian cultures, really, he's not. women get married into someone else's family, and that's it. you are no longer part of your parents' family. it just depends on how traditional they are. i always thought my parents would be more americanized than this. "blood-wise", yes, they're grandkids, but socially/culturally, they're not.
SB--my brothers son is half-white, where bjl is full-chinese...so it didn't bother my parents...i wonder if it will bother yours? i know a long time ago, it was almost prized to be with a white-person..because they were "so much better"...only in the last 50 years or so, it's been about "preserving" your culture.
Post by picksthemusic on Jul 25, 2012 15:59:04 GMT -5
Oh honey....
I'm so sorry. I'm proud of you for standing your ground, and I think you're totally in the right for wanting to loan your brother the money (your brother, not your parents) and keep it between you guys.
I'm so sorry that your mom is taking it so hard and I'm sorry she's not able to admit that you're right and she's wrong.
So sorry! I was thinking the same thing as (I can't remember who). Do you think your mom knows it's unfair and feels bad (which is why she's crying), but she can't stand up to your dad and is too embarrassed to say something to your brother? If so, I feel bad for her too.
And BJL is stuck w/ your IL's...if those are her "grandparents" and your parents aren't.
no...my dad is a huge pushover. which is why he's paying for it. the problem is my dad likes to pretend he has money..whenever someone asks him for donations, etc, he always makes a big donation..if somebody wants to borrow something, my dad always buys new stuff, so that he's letting someone borrow "good" stuff. it's really annoying. i told my him brother still owes me money and at *that* moment, he pulls out his wallet and was like "how much does he owe you?" and starts pulling out money to give me......he likes to pretend he's baller, even though that money he tried to give me (i didn't take it) was probably his electric bill or something. he doesn't pay his bills on time. it's super annoying.
and yes, when i married my h, i knew i would be "stuck" with my IL's...because that's just the way our culture rolls. unfortunately, i thought marrying h was worth it.....now i hesitate a bit saying that =P
I guess the upside to all of this is that maybe you'll break some of those unfair rules (since you and your H understand how it feels) and get to make new family traditions
I guess the upside to all of this is that maybe you'll break some of those unfair rules (since you and your H understand how it feels) and get to make new family traditions
yes!! i will definitely 100% be 50/50 with my kids....(maybe not as extreme as SB's parents, where her parents keep a spreadsheet)..but i will do my best to be as fair as possible. do you guys remember a few months ago, when my dad was suggesting only giving BJL 25% of their "estate", and 75% to my brother's baby? yeah. they are SO not fair. and while that is 100% his choice, i will not loan them money to be unfair to me.