Post by alexithymia on Sept 16, 2014 11:00:21 GMT -5
Or, at least it seems I have. It's been a long time since I've dated. Even before I got together with Xh I didn't really 'date' much, so I figured I'd make a mistake or two. And this one kind of stung a bit.
I got a random friend add on my Facebook one day. I looked at our mutual friends. The only one was my co-worker. I figured he must have been either a friend of hers or a family member. So I called her the next day and she told me, yes, he was her brother. They had been talking and I got brought up somehow. She had said that I was single, and I guess he was interested.
He started texting back and forth with me, and he asked me to go on a date with him. He lives 2 hours away from me. So, I met him on Sunday August 24 down in his area. And we had an awesome time. He asked when he could see me again, and I told him I was going down to a friend's baby shower the next weekend, and I would be passing by his way on the way back, so he asked if I would stop and see him on the way. I was really excited, so of course I agreed.
During that week, he texted me every day. Mostly just sweet stuff- asking how my day was, telling me I was pretty, saying he couldn't wait until he could see me again. He even asked me to be his date at a wedding on the 13th.
So, the next Sunday, the day before Labor Day, I stop on my way home and stay the night with him. I don't know what exactly I was expecting out of the night, but we hung out, drank wine, and had sex. I hung out with him until noon-ish the next day, until he had to be at a picnic with his family. As I was leaving, he was kissing me and asking when he could see me again. I said I would for sure go to the wedding with him, and maybe we could find some other time to spend together in the mean time.
He asked me to text him when I got home so he knew I made it alright. I did, and told him I had a good time with him. He didn't text me back until later that night, but said he had a great time, too and couldn't wait until next time.
I texted him a couple of times over the next week, and let him know that I wouldn't have to leave the wedding early for a work event like I had originally thought. The most I heard from was on that Wednesday night, saying he was sorry, but was sore from work. I replied back that the same issue at work that had freed up the wedding weekend had freed up the coming weekend, too, so if it would help him feel better, I could come down to see him again and maybe make him dinner or something. I never got a reply. At all. And absolutely nothing since. I tried a Facebook message last week, just in case his phone was broken or something. Still nothing. Needless to say, I wasn't at the wedding with him this past weekend.
Being a girl, I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what the heck I did wrong. Did I push the sex thing? Did I say something wrong? I'm trying to believe it wasn't me, and if there was some kind of issue, a mature adult would talk to me about it instead of just ignoring me. So, if it was something I did, I just can't put my finger on it. I guess at this point, I'm chaulking it up to a learning experience. I trusted him way too soon. Two dates was way too soon to jump into bed with this guy, and I ended up getting hurt. So, lesson learned I guess.
Sorry, this got long, but it feels better just having typed it out.
Post by peppermint on Sept 16, 2014 11:05:21 GMT -5
eh, i don't think it sounds like you made any mistakes, per se. it sounds like he should've told you he wasn't interested instead of ghosting. his behavior is very odd, so maybe you dodged a bullet here.
Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. He did. There is nothing wrong with having sex soon if you are both comfortable with it. At least, it is not a deal breaker in any way! Certainly of you regret it for yourself, you could wait longer next time...but it did not drive him away, or if it did that's his issue and nothing you did.
Post by DirtySouth on Sept 16, 2014 12:52:49 GMT -5
Nope, you did nothing wrong and he's a jerk. Sadly, this is very, very common with guys. I've had a number of guys act really interested and then disappear with no explanation. After a while, I've accepted that the reason each guy disappeared really doesn't matter. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he decided he doesn't want to date. Maybe he just wasn't as interested from the beginning as he seemed and really only wanted sex. You will never know, so quit wasting your time racking your brain to try to figure it out. Bottom line, he didn't invest the time to get to know you and you clearly aren't a priority in his life. So don't contact him again hoping to hear back. You deserve someone who is genuinely into you, and he clearly is not. Defriend him, delete his phone number, and move on. And know that this will likely happen to you again in the future, and it's a reflection on the douchey guy and not on you.
Post by alexithymia on Sept 16, 2014 13:00:19 GMT -5
Thanks, guys. Logically, I know this is his issue, not mine. It still kind of messed with me a bit. It's not necessarily the sex itself I regret, I just wish he would have just told me he wasn't interested anymore instead of just disappearing. I think that just makes it that much worse.
People probably won't like my opinion but well, anyway...
I think the balance of effort was just off here. The way I understand it here's the sequence of events:
1. Coworker brings you up to this guy, telling the guy you are cute and single. 2. Guy finds you on FB and sends a friends request which you accept. 3. Texting back and forth and guy asks you on a date. 4. You drive two hours to him for the date and he asks to see you again. 5. You go to him again (granted you were in the area but still he has made no effort beyond sending a FB request). 6. He once again invites you on a date...but one that you have to make the effort for (to go to this wedding).
I wouldn't have made so much effort to see him without him putting forth some effort in return.
I would say the same thing if this were a guy coming on saying a girl had done the same to him.
Nope, you did nothing wrong and he's a jerk. Sadly, this is very, very common with guys. I've had a number of guys act really interested and then disappear with no explanation. After a while, I've accepted that the reason each guy disappeared really doesn't matter. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he decided he doesn't want to date. Maybe he just wasn't as interested from the beginning as he seemed and really only wanted sex. You will never know, so quit wasting your time racking your brain to try to figure it out. Bottom line, he didn't invest the time to get to know you and you clearly aren't a priority in his life. So don't contact him again hoping to hear back. You deserve someone who is genuinely into you, and he clearly is not. Defriend him, delete his phone number, and move on. And know that this will likely happen to you again in the future, and it's a reflection on the douchey guy and not on you.
Sent from my HTC One mini
I agree with all of this.
After this guy who seemed super interested in me dissapeared, I wouldn't stop thinking what I had done wrong. Then I dated this other guy, had two great dates, but I wasn't that sure after the third one. So I postponed the 4th date until I told him I wasn't interested. He didn't do anything wrong, I just wasn't into him. From that I learnt that happens both ways, and if the guy flakes, you just move on
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Sept 16, 2014 13:36:49 GMT -5
you didn't .. painful welcome back to the world of dating .. ugh
there's another guy I'm interested in .. this one would serve NO fwb purpose ... he seems to like me but the communication has been completely hit or miss. I've decided to WAIT for him to contact me ... like I told friends, my days of chasing guys are over. if they like me and are interested they'll figure out a way to get a hold of me, if they don't its their loss not mine.
mp I don't mean that she should have played hard to get to get him to like her more. I just mean that, especially in the beginning, there has to be a balance to the amount of effort that is extended.
Meh, maybe that's what people call playing hard to get now that I think about it.
Either way, I just wouldn't have made all of the effort with none in return.
Of course you made a bog mistake! You gave it up even before being exclusive. He must have thought you were easy lol just kidding!
You did NOTHING wrong guy is a ass who ghosted you and he is the one who should be ashamed.
Lol. I had a dream about the whole thing, and in my dream I asked him why he didn't call me. This was essentially the answer he gave me. Maybe my Catholic upbringing is still effecting me a bit. :-P
People probably won't like my opinion but well, anyway...
I think the balance of effort was just off here. The way I understand it here's the sequence of events:
1. Coworker brings you up to this guy, telling the guy you are cute and single. 2. Guy finds you on FB and sends a friends request which you accept. 3. Texting back and forth and guy asks you on a date. 4. You drive two hours to him for the date and he asks to see you again. 5. You go to him again (granted you were in the area but still he has made no effort beyond sending a FB request). 6. He once again invites you on a date...but one that you have to make the effort for (to go to this wedding).
I wouldn't have made so much effort to see him without him putting forth some effort in return.
I would say the same thing if this were a guy coming on saying a girl had done the same to him.
I don't disagree with you entirely - but I don't think that her waiting on him would have suddenly made him more into her. I think it probably would have meant she didn't get so invested and thus hurt at the outcome.
Maybe I'm wrong. I hate the game of chase and refuse to play into it. I don't give a lot if I'm not getting a lot - but that's more about protecting my heart rather than making him want me more.
I agree 100%. I hate the idea of having to play some game. You could probably say "if a guy is into you, he'll go out of his way to see you!" and that's true. But any decent, mature guy isn't going to ghost someone just because she came to see him a few times. The "right" guy would be thrilled that she was into him enough to make the effort. It doesn't sound like OP was pushy or clingy or did anything to make him want her less.
OP, my guess is that he met someone else, got back together with an ex, or some other extenuating circumstance that has nothing to do with you.
Like other said, nothing you did was "wrong". You acted interested based in the fact the guy acted interested. I am not in the "let him chase me" camp. If I want to hang out, I'll let it be known. One thing marriage taught me is not to expect mind readers. If I want something, I need to speak up, otherwise I end up disappointed, and dude ends up confused.
And to be honest, I am trying to just be true to myself and do what I want to do, but I also fear that I am doing stuff "wrong" because I have such total limited dating experience. Hell, even if I had dated a ton before marriage, dating when you are 20 is completely different than dating when you are 30 it seems.
I try not to think about it too much, and when I am over analyzing everything, I step back, because I don't want to feel like a crazy person who thinks about why someone took 15 minutes to respond to x text but only 3 minutes to respond to y.
I have enough crazy in my brain, I try not to add to it, but it is easy to do.
And to be honest, I am trying to just be true to myself and do what I want to do, but I also fear that I am doing stuff "wrong" because I have such total limited dating experience. Hell, even if I had dated a ton before marriage, dating when you are 20 is completely different than dating when you are 30 it seems.
I try not to think about it too much, and when I am over analyzing everything, I step back, because I don't want to feel like a crazy person who thinks about why someone took 15 minutes to respond to x text but only 3 minutes to respond to y.
I have enough crazy in my brain, I try not to add to it, but it is easy to do.
I think the only thing you could do wrong when dating is to not be yourself. Or to be BSC. If you are BSC, then definitely don't be yourself.
If you want to ask a guy out and fuck him before the first date, DO IT! Just be YOU! If the guy doesn't like it, then he isn't for you! No loss there, right?
I don't think you made any mistakes. I think people in general are flaky and it's hard to tell when a guy is a flake when you go to them. I'm not saying you did anything wrong by going to him but if gave you less of an opportunity to see the amount of effort he was willing to put in. Every dating experience s a lesson learned and not a mistake. I also think many people can sustain good/attentive behavior for short periods of time (especially with email/texts) but cannot sustain it for the long haul and they disappear because they are cowards and cannot own up that they changed their mind, bit off more than they could chew, hedged their bets and invited more than 1 person to the wedding, etc. Disappearing is the path of least resistance and that's the path most people take in the dating world today from what I can see. I think electronics make this easier. When I was in the dating world there was no email/texts or caller id so it was harder to disappear. On the flip side, it was harder to meet people.
Ok, let me be more clear. alexithymia, I do think you made a mistake. I think you should not have put so much effort into someone who was not reciprocating that effort.
Thanks, guys. Logically, I know this is his issue, not mine. It still kind of messed with me a bit. It's not necessarily the sex itself I regret, I just wish he would have just told me he wasn't interested anymore instead of just disappearing. I think that just makes it that much worse.
I had this happened more then once. One of the guys I had when dating exclusively for 6 months. Some guys are just d-bags without the balls to tell you how they feel. This is in no way a reflection on you.