struggle struggle.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Oh, mp. I wish I could promise that it will happen for you. I feel like, "how could anyone not adore her? She's fucking terrific!" But I know that when someone would tell me Id meet amazing people, a part of me was all "but you don't knooooow!" All I can say is that it sounds like you had a string of bad timing with stuff and it can wear you down. I do think you're incredible, so surely you will meet a guy who is butt crazy for you. Hugs!

[achase123]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I echo the "mp is absolutely amazing what's wrong with these idiots" but I also "get it". I think that many of us have so much to offer and from what I've from dating post-divorce, there's so much more that goes into it.

When we were younger and dating it was like you think they're cute, they think you're cute, boom connection and dating would ensue followed by a relationship. Now it seems like it's so much more complicated and that's exhausting to me.

I don't know that much (believe me I get extremely frustrated too) but I do know that I'd rather cut through the bs and not date until it's right for him and I. I don't want to feel mediocre or not be ready and in turn I don't want HIM to feel that way. So I've reached the point where I'd rather not date until I see some supreme effort from another person and then I will put in effort and see what happens.

You're amazing! And the fact that you've got something awesome to look forward to like your trip to the Middle East is something that most people would LOVE. I'm here in DC right now and soaking in everything before my conference. I posted on FB and I was thinking "maybe the moms at home with 2.5 kids and a husband who's snoring in the bed next to them are just a little jealous of MY life". We need to look at ourselves as fabulous and accept nothing less than someone who's on equal footing. That's my soapbox pitch for the morning

[mcc]

Of course it will happen. It has to right? Hugs, mp I think you're awesome

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry mp I totally get where you coming from. I'm the same age and I feel like it's never going to happen. I know it sucks when you feel like you have all your shit together, but it's seems like you can't find that one person who can recognize that. The struggle is real ((hugs))

[abcdefu]

Sept 22, 2014 6:07:53 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I echo the "mp is absolutely amazing what's wrong with these idiots" but I also "get it". I think that many of us have so much to offer and from what I've from dating post-divorce, there's so much more that goes into it.

When we were younger and dating it was like you think they're cute, they think you're cute, boom connection and dating would ensue followed by a relationship. Now it seems like it's so much more complicated and that's exhausting to me.

I don't know that much (believe me I get extremely frustrated too) but I do know that I'd rather cut through the bs and not date until it's right for him and I. I don't want to feel mediocre or not be ready and in turn I don't want HIM to feel that way. So I've reached the point where I'd rather not date until I see some supreme effort from another person and then I will put in effort and see what happens.

You're amazing! And the fact that you've got something awesome to look forward to like your trip to the Middle East is something that most people would LOVE. I'm here in DC right now and soaking in everything before my conference. I posted on FB and I was thinking "maybe the moms at home with 2.5 kids and a husband who's snoring in the bed next to them are just a little jealous of MY life". We need to look at ourselves as fabulous and accept nothing less than someone who's on equal footing. That's my soapbox pitch for the morning

LOVE THIS!!!!

[onedayatatime]

Hugs - I have no advice beyond what you are already doing. Don't settle for crumbs and respect yourself first - but we all know it is easier said than done.

[tiffany81]

((hugs)) I'm sorry, mp. If it helps at all, I think you are a super fantastic person. You are always encouraging others here and giving out great advice. You are an amazingly talented photographer and I can tell you have a super big heart. ((hugs))

[locarb]

((Hugs)) I totally understand how you're feeling. No advice just empathy. You are amazing!

[peppermint]

i feel ya mp. but like others have said, it's better to be in this place versus being in a bad or unhealthy relationship just to be in one. it IS more complicated to date as we get older, because now we have a much better idea of what and who we want in a partner. these lonely/down periods come with the territory of dating, and we all go through them, and they are the suck. hugs! i really feel like your upcoming trip is going to be amazing in ways you don't realize yet

[liubot]

We ARE fabulous! mp, just because it doesn't happen NOW, doesn't mean it won't happen. I believe in a time and place for everything. Your path isn't ready yet. You're great. Beautiful, fun, smart, kind! So many things someone would jump through hoops for, yet, he's not here. YET.

Loneliness BLOWS. The need for human touch and the crave for affection is part of our biological makeup. It's who we are. Delay gratification until you know it's right. If you have second thoughts about anything, it's not right.

[becwheat]

It WILL happen!!

As for the friend, I think it is totally legit to be honest with him and say you would love to be friends, but right now would not work for you. Take a break until you are able to be a true fried without mixed emotions.

You are awesome!! There is a guy that will fully comprehend what a catch you are and he will be the lucky one!

[Deleted]

Hugs for you! I'm sorry you're struggling. You've only been divorced a couple of years, right? I feel like your marriage ended only 6 months or so before mine. Since you took some time to work on yourself, you haven't really been going at this dating thing all that long - even though it feels like it sometimes, I know. Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't! Sometimes people get lucky and meet the right person quickly, but I think most of the time it takes time and meeting a lot of duds before finding someone that is meant to stick. Don't give up and don't be hard on yourself about it! It will happen.

In the meantime you do have a totally envious life. I am so jealous of your upcoming trip!

[jigsy]

Man, you know how much I love you. You are such a cool, giving, smart lady. I am in awe of how brave you are. Traveling across the globe alone...simple amazing. And you will find someone, because why wouldn't you! You are not broken.

Just remember, you might feel lonely, but you are not alone. I am just a few freeway exits away and would love to hang out anytime.

So you are in a rut, that sucks, but it's just something you need to be pulled out of. You'll get there.
(((Hugs)))

[Eureka1984]

I offer hugs and hair pats. I totally understand. You deserve so much better!

[llh0211]

Aww, I'm so sorry mp. I completely understand feeling like it'll never happen. :::hugs & hair pats:::

[prettyinpearls]

I don't have much to add that the others haven't already covered, just my hugs and hair pats. You're so amazing and someone will see that someday. Even better, it'll be someone who APPRECIATES everything you have to offer. <3

[1confused1]

Hugs! I feel like I could have written your post but I'm much older than you. Hang in there!

[btay]

((())) You are amazing, and you will find someone, and he will be the luckiest someone. I have no doubts

[gozf]

(((mp)))

[peppermint]

Sept 22, 2014 12:02:52 GMT -5 mp said:

Hey guys. I wanted to say thank you all. I appreciate having you all as a sounding board to vent and cry when I need to.

If I were my friend, it would be so easy to be like "OMG of course you'll find someone!" Just like I'd say to all of you. Just being in the midst of some shitty situations makes it harder to really feel and believe. I do really genuinely believe I have a great life, outside of my dating life. I think I'm in a great place. And I am pretty kickass. But yet... I don't know.

Something my therapist told me years ago - and polka reminded me via text last night - is I need to go into dating going "Meh, do you add anything to my life? Are you worthy of me?" versus "Is this guy into me?" I need to hold off a bit on the vulnerability. But, it's hard. And I have to figure out how to do that.

Thanks for being here when I need a shoulder, it's appreciated.

I struggle with this too so I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to stay in the "what do you add to my life" mindset, and I need people to remind me when I'm all "I am attracted to this guy, does he like me back?"

I think it's harder when you're in a place like it seems a lot of us are - we have our shit (mostly) together, our lives are pretty damn amazing, but we'd love someone to share it with. I get attached quickly and I think a lot of that stems from just being lonely, and missing having someone. BUT...maybe we can all remind each other to slow down and think about what your therapist and polka said above - "does he add anything to my life/make it better?" If not, we have to move on. Cuz we are too good for that.

[seabitch]

mp, you are fabulous. It is so hard to seem like you are "outside" of the happiness bubble.

Please DO NOT settle. Ever!

[1confused1]

Sept 22, 2014 12:16:31 GMT -5 peppermint said:

Sept 22, 2014 12:02:52 GMT -5 mp said:

Hey guys. I wanted to say thank you all. I appreciate having you all as a sounding board to vent and cry when I need to.

If I were my friend, it would be so easy to be like "OMG of course you'll find someone!" Just like I'd say to all of you. Just being in the midst of some shitty situations makes it harder to really feel and believe. I do really genuinely believe I have a great life, outside of my dating life. I think I'm in a great place. And I am pretty kickass. But yet... I don't know.

Something my therapist told me years ago - and polka reminded me via text last night - is I need to go into dating going "Meh, do you add anything to my life? Are you worthy of me?" versus "Is this guy into me?" I need to hold off a bit on the vulnerability. But, it's hard. And I have to figure out how to do that.

Thanks for being here when I need a shoulder, it's appreciated.

I struggle with this too so I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to stay in the "what do you add to my life" mindset, and I need people to remind me when I'm all "I am attracted to this guy, does he like me back?"

I think it's harder when you're in a place like it seems a lot of us are - we have our shit (mostly) together, our lives are pretty damn amazing, but we'd love someone to share it with. I get attached quickly and I think a lot of that stems from just being lonely, and missing having someone. BUT...maybe we can all remind each other to slow down and think about what your therapist and polka said above - "does he add anything to my life/make it better?" If not, we have to move on. Cuz we are too good for that.

I love all this. I'm struggling with my relationship with M right now. I'm in a constant state of "is he into me?" Then he does something that makes me think, yes he is! Then the next day, nothing.

I still have my profile up on pof and talked with a guy for an hour and 15 minutes last night. He seems really nice and we want to get together. I'm wondering if I should cut M loose or not.

[seabitch]

Side note: As I read the beginning and you said you were in a "rut", it made me smile back to a memory my girlfriend and I used to joke about.

I used to say I was living on "Limbo Lane" and she was living on "Rut Road".

[1confused1]

Sept 22, 2014 12:33:47 GMT -5 mp said:

Sept 22, 2014 12:31:22 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

I love all this. I'm struggling with my relationship with M right now. I'm in a constant state of "is he into me?" Then he does something that makes me think, yes he is! Then the next day, nothing.

I still have my profile up on pof and talked with a guy for an hour and 15 minutes last night. He seems really nice and we want to get together. I'm wondering if I should cut M loose or not.

If you're already thinking you should - you probably should just do it. No sense in wasting your time when you're thinking it so soon in the relationship.

That's something I've come to realize.

I agree but I really like his company and friendship. I wish we just stayed fwb instead of trying dating.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 22, 2014 12:38:56 GMT -5 mp said:

Sept 22, 2014 12:16:31 GMT -5 peppermint said:

I struggle with this too so I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to stay in the "what do you add to my life" mindset, and I need people to remind me when I'm all "I am attracted to this guy, does he like me back?"

I think it's harder when you're in a place like it seems a lot of us are - we have our shit (mostly) together, our lives are pretty damn amazing, but we'd love someone to share it with. I get attached quickly and I think a lot of that stems from just being lonely, and missing having someone. BUT...maybe we can all remind each other to slow down and think about what your therapist and polka said above - "does he add anything to my life/make it better?" If not, we have to move on. Cuz we are too good for that.

I struggle when it's "I like him! And he likes me! And we get along well!" but there's something missing - but the *potential* is there. Like, "If only he was 100% ready to date WE'D BE PERFECT."

Ok - listen bitch (that's me) - it doesn't matter WHY 100% isn't there. It's just not. You can't date potential.

I like this.  You can't date someone that COULD be who you want down the road, you have to date someone who IS who you want RIGHT NOW.  It is hard.  Dating is such a mind fuck.  I feel like it's luck more than anything.  Meeting the right person isn't as easy in your thirties as it was in your early twenties and in college.  It was like hot men mecca in college.  Adult life is like, "Oh, look I go to work and I go home and I don't want to date men from work."  Or you meet in a bar, which is always tricky because all you know about a guy you meet in a bar is that he found you physically attractive enough to approach you.

[kaneen]

Others have said this already but it's so important to get to a place where you stop asking yourself if the guy likes you and start asking yourself if you like the guy. That really is the key.

[cuddlyevil]

Sept 22, 2014 12:58:18 GMT -5 kaneen said:

Others have said this already but it's so important to get to a place where you stop asking yourself if the guy likes you and start asking yourself if you like the guy. That really is the key.

Agreed. Just got to this point with WG and it's pretty liberating.

[peppermint]

Sept 22, 2014 12:38:56 GMT -5 mp said:

Sept 22, 2014 12:16:31 GMT -5 peppermint said:

I struggle when it's "I like him! And he likes me! And we get along well!" but there's something missing - but the *potential* is there. Like, "If only he was 100% ready to date WE'D BE PERFECT."

Ok - listen bitch (that's me) - it doesn't matter WHY 100% isn't there. It's just not. You can't date potential.

giiiiiirl...that's why it's so hard! because the potential is there! because it's so hard to meet someone you mesh with, have so much in common with, and are physically attracted to!

but you're right, you can't date potential (even though i swear that's what i've done my whole life doing. seriously.) this is eye opening, thanks for sharing your insight.

[stephreloaded]

I am on the same boat. I am really really close to just give up and just accept that it is really not in the cards for me.

[glitzyglow]

Hugs mp, I feel you so much.

In my case, I've been alone for almost 4 years. It seems rare that I actually like a guy, but when I do he never likes me back. I never get hit on in person and I never get asked for my number by locals (out of towners seem to have no trouble, but normally I think they are just looking for a hookup). It's like I'm walking around in this weird vortex where online dating is my only option, yet it also yields no results.

I feel like this is putting me in a hard place. I've been super breezy and excited in the past when my friends and acquaintances meet someone and hit it off. Lately I've been jealous and it even makes me sad when they do and I don't. When is my turn? Why haven't I met anyone to even date? I took down my dating profile, which oddly enough, has also made me sad despite the fact that I was tired with it because I feel like my chance to meet anyone now is zero.

Dating. Sigh.

This is a post-and-run, so I have to right to re-articulate some of my drivel later tonight, lol!