I don't know what to do from here

[buffyasummers]

My head and heart are just ready to explode.

I've always known my husband was a drinker. We met when he was 18 and I was 20. We met at a party and were both drinkers and liked to have a good time. I grew out of it...He didn't.

I don't know that I would say he is an alcoholic, as much as he has a problem with alcohol. Is that a thing? I don't know. He doesn't NEED it. He doesn't go through withdrawals if he doesn't have it. He just can't control himself around. He will lie to me about how much he's had, or if he's had any at all. He forgets that A) I've known him a very long time and have learned his mannerisms and behaviors when he is drinking. And B) I'm in nursing, and I see drunk people all.the.time.

Tonight he admitted he has a problem. But he admitted it while he was drunk. Now he's passed out on the couch, and has been since 6:30. I just don't know where to go from here.

I tried talking to his mom. I think she refuses to believe her Son may have a problem, because the first thing she said to me was "What are you doing to stress him out that drives him to drink?" So of course now I am paranoid that I am doing something/not doing enough, and am part of the problem.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I guess I just needed to vent and get it all out somewhere anonymously. Thanks, guys.

[BioNerd]

On one hand, I am so sorry you found yourself here. On the other, I am so glad you found your way here.

This board is full of both addicts and spouses, there's lots of perspective that is helpful as either.

I can't give any advice, but I'm happy to talk if you need to.

[buffyasummers]

Thank you for your words. Lobster, I've been reading up on your posts and it looks like we are going through somethjng somewhat similar. I too, am here if you ever want to talk one on one.

I've thought about finding an al-anon meeting. Im just so scared for him. I love this man so much. I would follow him to the ends of the earth. I just don't want to have to.

[flex]

The thing is, he's lying to you. That, to me, is the behavior of someone with a drinking problem.

There is a difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. Some people go through situational issues that are distracting and they turn to alcohol, just like they may turn to eating too much fudge or not brushing their teeth, etc. But after awhile they realize they're doing something to excess, which makes them feel icky or gross, so they stop doing it.

An alcoholic is someone who continually turns to alcohol even if there's nothing bad going on in their life. Their life gets bad BECAUSE of their drinking. So they lie about their drinking or they try to hid bottles. Or swear off alcohol completely when they're hungover, but then go right back to drinking.

And I would tell your MIL to "talk to the hand". Your DH is responsible for his own behavior; you are not.

[buffyasummers]

We have gone in circles about this for a while now. About a month ago, I challenged him to go a week...Just 1 week without any alcohol. He made it through the work week, but once the weekend hit, it was "I had a rough week at work, it's only just on the weekend."

I know what he's going to say if I bring up meetings or help of any kind....He'll say he just has a problem controlling himself around alcohol. It's not like he's an alcoholic, and that stuff is for alcoholics. He can do it on his own, blah blah blah. He is so hard headed and stubborn, NO ONE can make him do something he doesn't want to. And the thing I worry about is that he is going to have too much pride, and be too ashamed and embarrassed about it to say "Yes, I have a major alcohol problem, and yes I need help."

I'm probably not making much sense, but at this point it seems I've stopped thinking and just let my fingers type everything I have been holding inside of me.

[bc1206]

I was in a similar situation as you described. My H and I dated, partied together but he always took it to another level. I didn't think he had a drinking problem until after we were married. He got a DUI, spent a night in jail, lost his license, and even had an interlock device on his car. It still didn't stop him. Then one day he got into a physical altercation with his father. My DH was drunk, my FIL wasn't. It was bad. At the time, we had our DD who was only 6 months old. After the fight, I packed up my stuff and stayed with our DD at parents house for awhile. The day after the fight, his family was gone and he had no one. He checked himself into rehab that day. My DD and I finally moved back in after I knew he was serious on getting help. This was 3 years ago. He slipped up a year into his sobriety and drank. Now he's been sober for 2 years.

It sounds like your H has a drinking problem. Talk to him tomorrow. If he doesn't want to go to rehab or AA, seek counseling together or by yourself. Attending counseling did wonders for me.

If you ever need to talk, please reach out and PM me.

[flex]

Alcoholism is a physical allergy and a mental obsession.

Think of it this way: there are tons of people who have allergies to peanuts or shrimp (or whatever) that is so severe it can kill them, and do it quickly. You don't see those people thinking "oh I have ONE peanut or ONE shrimp, and I'll be fine. It's just a matter of self control!!" or obsessing over the food they can't have because that would be crazy, right?? Alcoholism is worse than a basic allergy in that regard. Make sense?

What an alcoholic has to accept is that they can no longer ingest alcohol like a "normal" person without consequences.

[arch01]

DH just got done with 37 days in rehab. I had NO clue there was an ongoing issue until I got a text message at 1:45 in the morning saying to come downstairs. I found him with his face scraped to hell and him telling me there was a problem.

In January 2014, he said he needed to reign his drinking in. He wanted to learn to drink in moderation. He went 2 weeks without a drop and thought he was fine. He then started drinking here and there, but nothing that struck me as over the top.

In June 2014, he tripped and fell and later told me that he decided to do an intensive outpatient group. From what he was telling me about his drinking and what I thought I knew of rehab, I thought it was over the top, but I supported it. He went in thinking he could learn to drink in moderation. He seemed to be doing really well-we'd check in about his drinking every couple weeks and he was always positive and upbeat about how he was doing.

Then came September and the final incident. I still don't know the extent of his drinking, and I don't want to. I know bits and pieces-enough to know that he truly cannot drink in moderation. Today marks 7 weeks since he hopped on a plane and went to rehab.

And you're making total sense-no one wants to admit they have a problem. It takes a LOT to get to that point. DH basically spent the next 3 days in bed in deep depression after admitting that not only that he had a problem-but also that the only way to start to fix it was to leave his family for 6 weeks.

DH lacks the impulse control to control himself around alcohol. The "just 1" never really lasted. He then only drank to get drunk.

It is exhausting worrying about a spouse (see my previous posts). Please try to take care of yourself as well. If you aren't ready to make the jump to Al-Anon, it may be a good idea to seek out a therapist that can help you work through things.

Also, while your MIL is not at all right for saying what she said-one thing I had to come to terms with with my MIL (who kindly told me that she didn't understand why DH didn't "just stop drinking") was that you face this with your spouse every day. Parents and siblings are more removed-and have a different understanding (or lack of understanding) of what the issues are. Hopefully with time, she'll be a bit more understanding of what's going on and not so quick to place blame on others.

[malibu]

Welcome.

Eff your MIL for saying it's your fault and making you question if something you're doing is "driving him to drink". Nothing drives a person to drink except their own choices.

The lying to you is a telltale sign, to me, that there's definitely alcoholism going on. I hope he gets help, and I hope you'll go to Al Anon so you can find out how to help yourself and not to blame yourself for his problem.

[livinitup]

You don't have to be an alcoholic to go to AA. You simply need to have a desire to not drink. For any reason. Or any label you put on it. "I desire to not drink today" is all that is required for membership.

[btay]

Eff you MIL and welcome to the board