I'm taking my grandma dying really hard. I don't know why. Maybe because she's the last grandparent I have, maybe because it's bringing back memories of when my grandpa died, or that I feel guilty because I should have seen her more, called her more, etc. I know part of it is that she died inside a long time ago after my grandpa did and her dying is the end of it, like really the end of how I knew him (he and I were very close).
I was so upset because I went out last night (my mom practically forced me to because she didn't want me to wallow) and everyone got to FaceTime with her and I didn't. I never would have forgiven myself if I didn't get to say goodbye. Thankfully she just opened her eyes and my mom FaceTimed me and I got to tell her I love her. She was non-responsive and looked dead, like petrified dead. It was horrible.
My mom is there with my aunt taking care of her and I wish I was there. I was there when my grandpa died and was there for my mom and my grandma. It was one of those role reversals where I took care of my mom, mom took care of grandma, etc. and now I can't be there for my mom. She knows I'm upset which upsets me even more. I'm supposed to comfort in, dump out. I'm trying so hard and it's not working.
It's not about me but it totally sucks that I'm the only grandchild who didn't have kids. My kids will never know any great-grandparents on my side. I know people's kids have less but I'm the only one who couldn't share their kids with my grandma. I worry about my mom. This was her project for years--caring for my grandma remotely and going down every few months and taking care of everything. That will be gone from her now. Even though it was stress, it gave her a purpose in a stressful marriage and whatnot (another animal altogether). It also means that my parents are next, hopefully not for a long long time, but yeah.
Last night I wrote a eulogy for my grandma because I needed to get words out. Except I realize that there will only be graveside service because everyone else is freaking dead. Fuck.
I'm literally bawling. I think it'll be better once she's gone but right now I can't handle this. It sucks. I'm totally cracking. Thanks for letting me brain dump.
TL;DR: I'm sad about my grandma. FaceTimed her to tell her I love her and she looks bad. Death sucks, even when it was a long life. Emotions, tears, and stuff. I hate this.
I'm so sorry for your loss mcc Huge Hugs! It's okay to be sad. Death sucks in general, but I feel like it is harder around the holidays. I'm so glad you got to tell her you loved her, but I'm sure she already knew. Take your time to grieve.
Is it possible for you to go to see her? I went to see my dad 5 days before he died and I'm so glad that I did. It meant a lot to him too. Sorry hon
No, it's not. The doctors say it can be hours or a week. I can't miss work for that long and will go down for the funeral. Right now she's in and out of consciousness, but mostly unconscious. I feel better now that I got to see her and tell her I love her despite whether she was even aware that I was on the phone.
I'm so sorry mcc. I think it's great that you're writing out your feelings. Since there is only a graveside service, maybe have the letter buried with her when the time comes? Lots of hugs to you and your family.
mcc, reading your words made my eyes tear up. I can relate because my Nana passed a year and a half ago and she was really the only grandparent I knew and the last one of that older generation left. It also was my moms mom. My mom had the feeling that she was an orphan after nana passed because she no longer had a parent. We too, dealt with losing her before she was really gone due to dementia. That being said, I'm very sorry you're going through this. You know it's coming and even so, it is so hard to accept it. At this point, all you can do is wish for her to have a peaceful passing that will relieve any suffering. She lived a long life and had a wonderful family. I don't know what your beliefs are when it comes to passing, but I believe we are reunited with loved ones that have passed. Maybe it will help to think that on the other side, your grandpa and her family is waiting for her. She will no longer be in any pain. please feel free to text or pm me if you need to talk.
ETA: I wish I had something more comforting to say, but I know nothing really makes it better. Sending lots of love to you.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Dec 13, 2014 14:12:41 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, mcc. It's really hard to lose a grandparent. My papaw passed away last year and I was always very close to him. I was in the nursing home while he was dying but had to go home to put my son to bed and he passed while I was gone. The whole family was there and I wasn't and it upset me. Just yesterday I was driving to work and heard his voice in my head (reminding me about the speed limit).
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Dec 13, 2014 14:42:51 GMT -5
Hugs. I know how it feels. My last grandma died last July and I was SO close to her and she was my last grandparent left. It hit me really hard because...well, everyone needs grandparents forever. They're the best. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. Let me know if you want to talk. I was with my grandma the evening before she passed away (as she passed away around 6 AM) and it was really sudden. Sigh, I still miss her.
Post by starburst604 on Dec 13, 2014 15:36:02 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. Grandparents can be so special to us, it's a unique relationship that we'll never have again, and we don't get to have them around long enough
Post by Wanderista on Dec 13, 2014 15:52:03 GMT -5
I'm really sorry, mcc. I feel this way about my last grandma too though she is fortunately still in good health. I feel like I want to see her more and I think of her often but she lives far away in an inconvenient place. I really should make more time to see her and write to her. When she passes, I will totally have a meltdown.
Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss but thankful also that you got to have her in your life for the time that you did. It sounds cliche but she will always live on as long as you think of her.
I'm so sorry you are going through this:(. Please know that she does not want to live this way, stoic, non-responsive. As much as you want her here, you would not want to live this way, either. I hope writing the eulogy helped you to put your thoughts to paper, and remember amazing memories of your Grandma's life. Big hugs to you, as I know the coming days will be so tough!! Please vent to all of us, we are all here for you!!
I'm so very sorry. I lost who I consider to be my grandma in April. We're not technically related but she was more like a grandparent to me than any grandparent I am related to. She had dementia the last few years too. I felt guilty for not visiting more. I miss her so much. It's really hard. Big hugs.
Post by glitzyglow on Dec 13, 2014 19:39:37 GMT -5
Hugs mcc. I lost my great-aunt last year who was like a grandmother to me. I, too, felt guilty for not going as much, but it was so hard to see the dementia/Alzheimer's take over. It is definitely upsetting, but at the end of the day, it comforted me to know that she knew how much I loved her and I know how much she loved me. Try not to be hard on yourself ((((mcc)))).
My mom just called that they made the arrangements today. She's still hanging on though. I thought for sure she would pass when my mom and aunt went to g-ma's house to do laundry but she didn't, which is good because I would hate for them to not be there. This waiting game is really hard and I feel so badly for my mom and aunt. Thanks for letting me brain dump here...
(hugs) I feel like the waiting is almost the hardest part, because it's hard to really begin fully grieving and move forward until it actually happens.
I felt the same way with my Grandpa. He was my last grandparent and I was asked to give the eulogy. When I practiced I was fine, but I ended up bawling through the whole thing. It is really hard to lose family members even if they were ill for a long time.