Yes and no. I don't think I got a fair chance at being married because of what my xH did. I've seen so many great marriages and would like one for myself. But he was such a good manipulator that I didn't know until it was too late. I'm afraid I might fall for it again.
I am terrified! With my ex-h, I saw how someone could be so manipulative.He manipulated everyone into thinking he was this great guy. I know there were red flags, but I miss them. I am terrified of missing red flags again.
I actually would be very content with being engaged and having a commitment ceremony. If that works out and we are 70 years old, then what the heck!? We'll go down to the Justice of the Peace and get married!
Disclaimer: The "we" is hypothetical since I am very single.
Yes and no. No, because it's something I would want but yes because I don't want to "fail" again. I know my marriage wasn't a failure like "well, we gave this a shot, peace out" because he manipulated me and was an addict, but now I feel like I don't have the cushion for failure. That's a completely socially constructed viewpoint of it as well, which is perhaps silly.
I'm also afraid because I don't know if I will find that person who I want to marry. Breaking down the walls that I've built is hard but I'm learning to trust people and hopeful that I'll find someone who I want to date seriously first.
Yes and no. No, because it's something I would want but yes because I don't want to "fail" again. I know my marriage wasn't a failure like "well, we gave this a shot, peace out" because he manipulated me and was an addict, but now I feel like I don't have the cushion for failure. That's a completely socially constructed viewpoint of it as well, which is perhaps silly.
I'm also afraid because I don't know if I will find that person who I want to marry. Breaking down the walls that I've built is hard but I'm learning to trust people and hopeful that I'll find someone who I want to date seriously first.
I resonate with a lot of what you're saying here. While divorce doesn't have the "stigma" it once did it's also still always in the back of my mind.
I was thinking about the trust thing too. I was cheated on but i feel like it's not fair for me to side eye every relationship because of what xh did. I wouldn't want someone else to do that to me. At the same time, I refuse to blatantly ignore red flags as I did before. I think it's a fine line. Learn from it but don't let it rule you maybe?
I'm afraid of remarrying from more of a financial perspective. I want a prenup that says anything that is mine coming into the marriage stays mine if there is a divorce. My exH got away with having to do very little financially and I lost all the money and equity I put into many things. I honestly cannot forsee myself putting my name with anyone else's when it comes to house, cars, and any major purchases. I plan to maintain my own checking accounts, savings accounts, whatever else accounts. If future fiance has an issue with that, I don't see myself marrying that person. I am still struggling to regain footing after my divorce and I won't put myself in a position to let something like this happen again.
Post by girlsownlove2218 on Dec 16, 2014 8:46:47 GMT -5
Terrified. I'd still do it, I think, with the right person. A few years down the road. I really loved my STBXH, and the whole falling out of love thing that'd happened, terrifies me that it can happen, and most likely will again. The idea of meshing my girl's worlds and having it all fall apart on them again makes me sick to my stomach.
Yes and no. No, because it's something I would want but yes because I don't want to "fail" again. I know my marriage wasn't a failure like "well, we gave this a shot, peace out" because he manipulated me and was an addict, but now I feel like I don't have the cushion for failure. That's a completely socially constructed viewpoint of it as well, which is perhaps silly.
I'm also afraid because I don't know if I will find that person who I want to marry. Breaking down the walls that I've built is hard but I'm learning to trust people and hopeful that I'll find someone who I want to date seriously first.
I resonate with a lot of what you're saying here. While divorce doesn't have the "stigma" it once did it's also still always in the back of my mind.
I was thinking about the trust thing too. I was cheated on but i feel like it's not fair for me to side eye every relationship because of what xh did. I wouldn't want someone else to do that to me. At the same time, I refuse to blatantly ignore red flags as I did before. I think it's a fine line. Learn from it but don't let it rule you maybe?
Yeah, I realized a while ago that I needed to work hard not to let XH's mistakes cloud my judgment of a nice person who said something that I might have taken the wrong way. I try to explain things now or ask someone what they mean by something instead of jumping to answers in my own head.
I don't know. If I am it's more because I was happy in my first marriage and when my husband cheated it crushed me and I don't want to feel that kind of hurt again.
You captured what I was trying to say in much clearer way
I am terrified! With my ex-h, I saw how someone could be so manipulative.He manipulated everyone into thinking he was this great guy. I know there were red flags, but I miss them. I am terrified of missing red flags again.
I actually would be very content with being engaged and having a commitment ceremony. If that works out and we are 70 years old, then what the heck!? We'll go down to the Justice of the Peace and get married!
Disclaimer: The "we" is hypothetical since I am very single.
+1 to the bolded ... which probably explains why I'm more than content w/ a BT at this point than an actual relationship. xh was a MASTER manipulator and had so many red flags that either I ignored or missed altogether. post xh .. so much better about red flags - note to self: if they mention they're an ex addict RUN LIKE HELL !!!!! the opposite direction.
I'm not. I have not been jaded by the demise of my marriage. It was rough coming out of it, but now that I am 8 months out, I can appreciate the good that we had, and I realize that we just grew apart. I learned some lessons from it that I will carry over into my next relationship/marriage.
I look forward to being married again. I know I can be ok on my own, but that is not how I would choose to live.
I also realize that I think I am pretty lucky. I feel like the Ex and I have a decent enough relationship. I know that he genuinely cares about me, and I care about him, we just aren't in love anymore, and that is ok, so I am not coming from a really bad place, but I know what went wrong, and now that I have gone through the whole process of falling in love, sharing a life with another person, then having to start over from that, I feel like I have a better perspective to have the second go be a better thing.
I'm not afraid at all. I actually understand what marriage is about now. I have done a LOT of work in therapy and truly understand what I need and want out of a marriage. I definitely did not "get it" the first time around.
I want to get married again but I am definitely afraid. For a lot of reasons, marriage is hard. I don't want to make another mistake. I don't want to be miserable again. I don't want to be alone forever either though. So yea even though it's something I know I want I just need to find the right person.
Post by Emerald1486 on Dec 16, 2014 13:49:18 GMT -5
In a way I'm not, but I am too. I missed a lot of red flags with XH. I missed just how incompatible we were, and I was learning to manage my bi-polar disorder. I feel like I would be a lot more aware of these things going into another relationship (and my bipolar is managed, which is a huge help). The trust aspect would be very hard for me though. At the same time, having been on my own for 3 years means I have my set ways. Especially financially.
Post by cuddlyevil on Dec 16, 2014 14:26:48 GMT -5
I'm not afraid of remarrying. I am afraid of repeating my mistake, so I'm not in any sort of hurry. I enjoy my life right now, I see my friends when I want, get to do whatever I want when I want. My kids and I are all in good places, I really can't ask for anything more than that.
I am gun shy at the idea of a wedding. Marriage itself doesn't scare me as much. But I am also afraid of repeating the mistakes he and I both made jointly. Most of ours revolved around money and communication. So those are things I want to be clear on from the onset of any relationship. XH and I got together when I was so young that I never really got to be an adult in my own until we split. I am still working on learning things other grown ups should know (budgeting for example).
I am gun shy at the idea of a wedding. Marriage itself doesn't scare me as much. But I am also afraid of repeating the mistakes he and I both made jointly. Most of ours revolved around money and communication. So those are things I want to be clear on from the onset of any relationship. XH and I got together when I was so young that I never really got to be an adult in my own until we split. I am still working on learning things other grown ups should know (budgeting for example).
I 100% empathize. Budgeting was something XH and I really really struggled with. The biggest problem for me was that he just wanted me to handle it; I got no help at all from him.
RE: Communication, are you in therapy? It has helped me SO MUCH in learning how to communicate my own needs and how to navigate my anger. I get angry easily, especially when I'm hurt. It's easier to be angry than to be vulnerable. But it's most definitely not healthy or conducive to open communication.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by starrieskies on Dec 18, 2014 16:46:15 GMT -5
I haven't really thought much about remarrying. Xh and I have been separated for over a year now, divorced for 7 months and I don't really even feel like dating. I like where I'm at now, and just rediscovering me. I'm more worried that I'll have something stuck in my teeth at dinner than I am getting married because it's just not on my radar... yet.
Post by sherbanator on Dec 18, 2014 17:21:12 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure I'll never remarry. Long term relationship yes, but getting married again feels out of the realm of possibility.
Stbx talked such a good game, always advocated for honesty,and acted like the perfect guy until about 6 months after we got married. I don't think I can ever trust another guy like that again to marry them.
Post by jellymankelly on Dec 18, 2014 22:58:33 GMT -5
I have been trying to answer this since it was first posted and I can't seem to put together a thought that makes sense. The short answer is, yes, I am afraid of remarrying. I'm also afraid of living with someone else again. Living with XH meant constant stress. I was an anxious mess throughout our entire marriage because of the way he was. To me, being married/living with another person = being made to feel like a burden, feeling like you can't speak to your own husband in your own home because 'your voice sounds like a bleating sheep' and he can't stand the sound of it, having a knot in your stomach every night because you're sure there is probably SOMETHING you did wrong that day that he's going to be brooding about, but you don't know what it is.
The good thing is, I am comfortable taking things SUPER slow, and I figure I'll know when I'm ready to accept that life as a married (or cohabiting) person can be different. We've been together about a year and a half, and although we're getting some pressure from the outside world, neither of us is ready to make that leap yet.
Oh, and the thought of having an actual wedding makes me want to pull a Carrie Bradshaw "I can't breathe" maneuver. I have no desire to do an actual wedding if/when I get married again. I love weddings, for OTHER people. For me, no.
My tablet is fucking up and isn't letting me quote. I'm responding to pinkdutchtulips comment about addicts. Yes, while most former addicts have major red flags, it's a bit insensitive to lump all of them into the same category. As a former addict, yes, I've had issues way in the past. No longer, but I would hate that someone would automatically rule me out for something I had a hard time with 10 years ago.
My tablet is fucking up and isn't letting me quote. I'm responding to pinkdutchtulips comment about addicts. Yes, while most former addicts have major red flags, it's a bit insensitive to lump all of them into the same category. As a former addict, yes, I've had issues way in the past. No longer, but I would hate that someone would automatically rule me out for something I had a hard time with 10 years ago.
me choosing not to get involved w/ a former addict is no different than someone not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child from a previous relationship. insensitive - yes, but you get over it and find someone who DOESN'T view that part of you as a negative.
after the hell I went through w/ xh and his relapse after nearly 15 years of sobriety (I went through pot, painkiller and alcohol addiction w/ him, meth was the last and final straw) I think for me personally, its best if I steer clear of former addicts no matter how reformed they are or how long ago it was.
My tablet is fucking up and isn't letting me quote. I'm responding to pinkdutchtulips comment about addicts. Yes, while most former addicts have major red flags, it's a bit insensitive to lump all of them into the same category. As a former addict, yes, I've had issues way in the past. No longer, but I would hate that someone would automatically rule me out for something I had a hard time with 10 years ago.
me choosing not to get involved w/ a former addict is no different than someone not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child from a previous relationship. insensitive - yes, but you get over it and find someone who DOESN'T view that part of you as a negative.
after the hell I went through w/ xh and his relapse after nearly 15 years of sobriety (I went through pot, painkiller and alcohol addiction w/ him, meth was the last and final straw) I think for me personally, its best if I steer clear of former addicts no matter how reformed they are or how long ago it was.
No, I totally get that. Which is why I was upfront with NG about it from the beginning. I just don't think that all former addicts are the same. I wouldn't specifically go out looking for one, but I guess I wouldn't entirely shut them all down. It would depend on the circumstances, I suppose. I've done a complete 180 from how I was back then. I'm responsible, I have my shit together, I have a kickass job, and I don't even *think* about drugs anymore. I wasn't intending to lash out at you or anything, but just wanted to offer a different perspective. Stbxh is an addict, but I 100% believe that he will never, ever change.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Dec 19, 2014 15:18:19 GMT -5
I don't think all former addicts are the same but I will say for me it's also a non-starter. I now have two exes who had substance abuse problems and clearly I have an issue with feeling like I need to fix that and pick up messes and rescue everyone, so it's the knowledge that in my experience, I need to try not to get involved with anyone who is a recovering addict because we will probably find a way to destroy each other.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I don't think all former addicts are the same but I will say for me it's also a non-starter. I now have two exes who had substance abuse problems and clearly I have an issue with feeling like I need to fix that and pick up messes and rescue everyone, so it's the knowledge that in my experience, I need to try not to get involved with anyone who is a recovering addict because we will probably find a way to destroy each other.
My dad is a recovering addict/alcoholic. I've struggled in nearly every relationship with feeling like the fixer.
When XH and I split, my mom asked me if I thought that he was an alcoholic and that's why he was pushing me away. (And she was alluding to me not "allowing" him to walk away, if that was the real issue.)
I told her: I think he is slipping into that territory, and I told him from the beginning that I REFUSE to spend my adulthood the way I spent my childhood. If he doesn't want to get help for his drinking issues, I have no qualms about walking away. I can't make him see his problem, but I won't let him drag me along while he gets worse and worse.
XH is a binge drinker, so it's harder to pinpoint the addiction. I am fairly certain his dad was the same way (he's been in recovery for 30+ years). But when his wife gave him an ultimatum about his drinking, he stopped drinking. When I told XH that I thought he had a drinking problem, he denied, ignored, blamed, etc. He's not ready to stop drinking. He chose that over me.
I don't think all former addicts are the same but I will say for me it's also a non-starter. I now have two exes who had substance abuse problems and clearly I have an issue with feeling like I need to fix that and pick up messes and rescue everyone, so it's the knowledge that in my experience, I need to try not to get involved with anyone who is a recovering addict because we will probably find a way to destroy each other.
My dad is a recovering addict/alcoholic. I've struggled in nearly every relationship with feeling like the fixer.
When XH and I split, my mom asked me if I thought that he was an alcoholic and that's why he was pushing me away. (And she was alluding to me not "allowing" him to walk away, if that was the real issue.)
I told her: I think he is slipping into that territory, and I told him from the beginning that I REFUSE to spend my adulthood the way I spent my childhood. If he doesn't want to get help for his drinking issues, I have no qualms about walking away. I can't make him see his problem, but I won't let him drag me along while he gets worse and worse.
XH is a binge drinker, so it's harder to pinpoint the addiction. I am fairly certain his dad was the same way (he's been in recovery for 30+ years). But when his wife gave him an ultimatum about his drinking, he stopped drinking. When I told XH that I thought he had a drinking problem, he denied, ignored, blamed, etc. He's not ready to stop drinking. He chose that over me.
anytime ANYONE would approach xh about having a problem w pills or alcohol or even me pointing out the meth problem ... it was greeted w/ denials, flat out ignoring or or the worst minimizing it as 'no big deal' ... he wasn't ready to stop so we (me, dd, dogs) left.
My dad is a recovering addict/alcoholic. I've struggled in nearly every relationship with feeling like the fixer.
When XH and I split, my mom asked me if I thought that he was an alcoholic and that's why he was pushing me away. (And she was alluding to me not "allowing" him to walk away, if that was the real issue.)
I told her: I think he is slipping into that territory, and I told him from the beginning that I REFUSE to spend my adulthood the way I spent my childhood. If he doesn't want to get help for his drinking issues, I have no qualms about walking away. I can't make him see his problem, but I won't let him drag me along while he gets worse and worse.
XH is a binge drinker, so it's harder to pinpoint the addiction. I am fairly certain his dad was the same way (he's been in recovery for 30+ years). But when his wife gave him an ultimatum about his drinking, he stopped drinking. When I told XH that I thought he had a drinking problem, he denied, ignored, blamed, etc. He's not ready to stop drinking. He chose that over me.
anytime ANYONE would approach xh about having a problem w pills or alcohol or even me pointing out the meth problem ... it was greeted w/ denials, flat out ignoring or or the worst minimizing it as 'no big deal' ... he wasn't ready to stop so we (me, dd, dogs) left.
Word.
With my XH it was impossible to talk to him about, because of the nature of his drinking/problem. He wasn't an every day drinker. He could and did go a weeks/months without drinking. The problem was, when he DID drink, he would black out, nearly every time. And after abstaining for a few weeks, he would have blackouts 3-4 weekends in a row. It wasn't about frequency, it was about him refusing to cut himself off. He abuses alcohol. Period. In his head, alcoholics drink every day, hide booze, etc.
And to give you an idea of the ignorance that spewed from his mouth, he once compared my pot smoking, which I will admit to being mentally addicted to, to a being a heroin addict. He told ME, who grew up with a father who IS a heroin addict, that my pot smoking was no different from my dad's drug use. I should have packed my bags right there and then.
And hello, IRONY. The alcoholic calling the pot head a drug addict. LULZ
I am gun shy at the idea of a wedding. Marriage itself doesn't scare me as much. But I am also afraid of repeating the mistakes he and I both made jointly. Most of ours revolved around money and communication. So those are things I want to be clear on from the onset of any relationship. XH and I got together when I was so young that I never really got to be an adult in my own until we split. I am still working on learning things other grown ups should know (budgeting for example).
I 100% empathize. Budgeting was something XH and I really really struggled with. The biggest problem for me was that he just wanted me to handle it; I got no help at all from him.
RE: Communication, are you in therapy? It has helped me SO MUCH in learning how to communicate my own needs and how to navigate my anger. I get angry easily, especially when I'm hurt. It's easier to be angry than to be vulnerable. But it's most definitely not healthy or conducive to open communication.
I haven't gotten to counseling yet. Getting through survival mode I thought I was doing pretty good. Now that I am through that part (mostly) I can tell that I need to get myself into counseling. I have a list of possibilities and I will be calling on Monday to get myself matched up hopefully. I wish my old counselor hadn't moved away. She was awesome!