Oh hon, I'm so sorry. This may be the hardest time: when the finality sets in, and the rest of the world seems to be marching on. I wish I had comforting or helpful words, but I can only say that it does get better. It does lift.
I've a friend who was widowed very young, and I know she credits her survival (and subsequent happiness) on a good therapist. A therapist who specializes in loss and transition. Are you seeing someone who can help you navigate this?
Post by BicycleBride on Jan 23, 2015 0:11:38 GMT -5
I am so sorry. Many hugs. I assume you are in therapy? Do you think a support group would be helpful? It might help to talk with other who are going or have gone through the loss of a spouse.
Post by usuallylurking on Jan 23, 2015 0:12:11 GMT -5
Hugs. I am SO sorry for your loss. I think of you often. Have you tried a therapist? I know, such an unoriginal suggestion, but if you're struggling with your mom I was hoping you could find some help, support and guidance elsewhere. Again, hugs. Grief has no agenda you have to follow.
I'm so sorry. Do you have a counselor and/or a support group? I'm glad you can post here but you're going through so much. My heart breaks for you. I'm sorry your mom isn't being supportive.
I don't even know what to tell you, other than that I am sorry. I've spoken to my dad at length about his experience after my mom died (I was 7), and he describes just feeling lost. He leaned on a lot of people, though, and asked for a lot of help.
Do you have any local friends, siblings, or siblings of your h, who can help you, or just be there?
If you don't mid sharing, where are you located? Perhaps there are some local gbcn'ers who can offer some support. If you're in the Seattle area, I'd love to help in any way I can, even if it's just for a cup of coffee.
Post by happyholiday on Jan 23, 2015 0:19:53 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. You must be overwhelmed with grief. Each minute that passes by is another minute you've made it through. It's terrible that your mom isn't a better support for you. Huge hugs.
Not too much time has gone by since your loss. It's going to take awhile before you start to feel halfway "normal". Heck, my DH has been gone seven years and I still don't feel normal.
Like a PP mentioned, I highly suggest you seek a grief counselor. What you've gone through is a life-changing event. You need help with this. (((hugs)))
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
A support group may be very good for you- there's nothing like talking with those who've been there. Who are there, I should say.
I think of you and your children often; I know you will be okay, but I wish I could help you right now. I suspect you are stronger than you think you are.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Sometimes, the people closest to you can utterly suck when you're grieving.
In my city, we have a non-profit group that works with grieving families. The focus is on the children, but of course the parents and other family members benefit as well from the activities and workshops. Would you be open to looking for something like this near you?
Do not be too hard on yourself, you will find your way as more time passes.
I hope you are able to find a support group that can travel along this road with you. Maybe you could find a board similar to this, but targeted towards young widows? Getting to meetings would probably be worth it, but with two young kids, I could see how it would be overwhelming. Of course, this is a great community of people happy to support you with thoughts, prayers, listening ears, etc, but it's so much different when it's others going through the same thing & you know you are not alone in your grief.
Please be kind to yourself. Posts like this are not "pointless." They are a good way for you to express yourself, hash out thoughts & emotions, and receive lots of support from internet strangers who care about you & your children.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and also that your mom is not being the support you need in this time.
I am glad you are going to therapy but I will also encourage you to look into additional options. There are others who have traveled/are walking the same path you are and it can be so helpful to be able to talk with those who understand and can provide meaningful support.
Reach out and use all the resources you can get right now from family and friends. While they are also grieving they will understand that your need is greatest. Do not be afraid to ask for help.
Post by cinnamoncox on Jan 23, 2015 7:23:21 GMT -5
I'm so sorry nail biter. I've seen your posts and just feel so badly for you. What a tragic thing to happen. Downright unfair. It's most certainly normal to have no clue how to navigate this new situation. I hope you're able to find a support group. Maybe your therapist will have recs on a good one. Or find one online if there aren't any local ones you can get to soon. Bless you and your young children. I hope you find some peace and regain some semblance of normalcy. ((Hugs)) take care of yourself.
NB - I'm so very sorry about your loss and your mom's lack of support. Any chance you can pull her aside and let her know your emotional struggles? Is she always this way during emotionally charged times?
I wish I lived near you. I would certainly meet up with you. Sending you hugs and good thoughts.
First, I want to give you the biggest hug. Next, there is no time table on grief. I think a sudden death comes with its own host of feelings that only add to things. I am so sorry for your loss. While I cannot speak from the perspective of what you are going through, I have spoken to my mom a lot about what it was like for her when our dad was killed suddenly. I know she found a lot of support and help in a support group led by a therapist. I am not saying you have to jump into that now, but I would keep it in mind. There is something wonderful when you can just let those people see how you are really feeling, share your thoughts and feelings without any judgment and just find support from people who are in the trenches with you.
Is it possible your mom's comments are coming from a place of grief as well?
Again, I am just so sorry. Just take things minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you must feel when your mother makes those comments. I hope that you have some friends and other family that you can lean on for support.
I have heard that support groups can be a great help as they can relate, and bonding over something (even as sad and tragic as this) can help you to heal.
Huge hugs, this post was not pointless and we are always here to listen.
I'm so, so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of pain your in. I've found some people can say pretty bad things. They don't know exactly what to say, and hurtful word vomit ensues. Would she take it well if you told her if she's not saying something kind, to not say it? I've had to tell my mother this, and it has helped some. If she says something critical or hurtful, I call it out and try to put an end to it asap. ((Hugs)) that was heart breaking to read. I can't relate to that pain, but if you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me .
I am so sorry for your loss. Like others have said, maybe your mom is dealing with grief of her own and you might need to call her on it and say that it's not helping you at all. I'm not sure what kind of relationship you had with your mom previously, but I'm sure it would help not to have to be closed off emotionally from her.
You are being incredibly strong, huge hugs to you.
I'm so sorry. I think it's only natural to want to spend time with your mother in law. She's probably the closest thing you can get to your husband right now so I imagine it is comforting. Just worry about what you need and if your mom can't help with that, then you may just need to distance yourself. I hate it when people are experiencing grief and others need to be coddled by the person grieving. You shouldn't have to do that.
I am so sorry for your loss and to make matters worse, your mom, whom you should absolutely be able to lean on, is making things even more difficult for you. Newsflash for her, it's not about her and what she thinks is right.
It's all about you trying to navigate the treacherous minefield that is the grieving process and take care of too little ones with a shattered heart. I'm glad to hear you're talking to someone and please don't hesitate to post here - whatever helps you cope and put one foot in front of the other.
My heart breaks for you! I have sadly seen two friends loose their husbands at very young ages, both with young children, and I know they struggled a lot because as anyone with small kids knows they are hard hard work and it is hard to take the time you need to just feel. It's like you don't have permission to grieve. Have you thought of finding a message board for young widows? Other people who are going through a similar thing may at least bring you some reassurance that what you're feeling it 100% normal. And that it does get better, eventually. But it's a long road and you most definitely can do it, but it takes time. *hugs*
I am so sorry I would recommend trying to find a grief support group. Sometimes you can feel all alone in your grief and talking to other people going through the same thing can help.
Is it possible to get some space from your mom? This is such a trying time for you; you need to surround yourself with people who are there to support you.