My BF went through something similar about 7 years ago (no kids, but lost his wife in a car accident). I'll see if he has any suggestions. He is now getting his PhD in counseling psychology and has done a ton of research on grief and related counseling. He may have some book recommendations if that's something you'd be interested in.
I know it is probably meaningless to say this at this point, but my BF is really good and happy now. I know he will always be affected by what happened and I'm sure will always love her, but he's been able to move forward with his life, lots of wonderful things have happened since she died, and he's even found love again. Take all the time you need, and it may be a lot of time, but you WILL be ok, eventually. You will always love and miss your H but you will learn to live with your grief and it won't always hurt this badly. Be patient with yourself and take the time you need to get there.
You WILL survive this. It will be hard. Obviously the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but you can do it.
I remember something someone said when a friend lost a central part of their family.
"You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." Thinking of your family as you learn to dance with the limp.
I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you must be going through. If I were in your shoes I might distance myself from mom for a little while. This is hard enough as it is, you should surround yourself with people that will support you.
I understand it's hard to get out with little ones. Does talking to MIL help at all? Would it help to have her come over and just talk and cry together? If not, could she come watch the kids so you could go to a support group?
Just want to give you a big Internet hug. Previous posters have given you good advice - finding a grief support group and not feeling like there's anything you "should" do. Grief doesn't have a timetable and you just need to let yourself feel what you feel for awhile.
I also want to say that it's not unusual for the people closest to you to not know how or be unable to support you the way you need. It can be very upsetting. I know some of the things my mother said and did after my husband died changed the way I view her.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad passed when I was 5, leaving my mom a widow at age 35. She somehow went into automatic pilot and made it through. I was only 5 and could not comprehend death at the time. She leaned on her friends and her mom and then her dad (my grandpa) died 8 months later. It was a rough time for her. She focused on maintaining normalcy for me. With time, it became less painful. My mom remarried to my step dad who raised me and he passed last year. It was a huge loss for us. But we've made it through. You guys will too. Feel free to PM me. We are from NY, but my mom recently bought a house in Little River..not sure how close that is to you.
Grief is terrifying for other people. All of us, myself included, read your story and it makes us bereft for you and for your children, but underlying all of that is selfish, selfish fear. Fear that if it can happen to you, it can happen to any of us. Fear that we'll say or do the wrong thing and only make it worse (I'm afraid of that right now typing this). Fear that you won't be able to "handle it" and it will change you and people won't really know you anymore.
It's why everyone has no earthly idea what the hell to say and why some friends and coworkers might not reach out to you. I would guess it's also a large part of what's motivating your mom's ridiculous, self-centered behavior. She "needs" you to be okay for HER, for her idea of what your family should look like. Yes, of course she loves you and wants you to be okay for yourself, but she is scared that if you aren't okay you won't be her daughter the way she wants you to be and the way you have been. I would also guess this is motivating her anti-MIL stuff, because she doesn't want you to turn away from her.
I say this not because I think it's an excuse, but because on top of everything else that you are going through you don't need to be taking on concern/sadness about her. This is her issue. She will deal. It has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with how well or poorly you are or aren't handling this. You aren't responsible for fixing it.
You are strong to get through every day. You are in a living nightmare that I cannot fathom, and yet you're doing it. Caring for your very young children and reaching out when you need it. I will think, hope, pray that in your reaching out you will find some peace eventually, be it here, with a friend, with a therapist, or in a grief support group.
I have kept you in my prayers. I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I think at this point, surviving day-to-day is all you need to be doing. And you do whatever you need to in order to do that.
I think you've received some great advice here. I hope you find some peace.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know it seems impossible, but it will get better. It's sad that your mom can't be what you need right now, maybe she didn't mean it how she said it, I hope she was just trying to encourage you to be strong for your kids and it came out wrong. But, if she isn't going to be there then distance yourself from her. I bet a support group would help as much or more than therapy because you can make contact with people that are going through exactly what you are. If the first group isn't a good fit, try again. I will be praying for you and your children, I hate that you have to go through this.
I am BF with my cousin's wife - she lost him and her son in a car accident many years ago. She had a 1 year old that survived the accident and she would be the first to admit she was on autopilot for the first year or so. Now 20 years out she is better, but she has days where it just hits her so hard - but she also has so many more good days. Your kids need you like her's did, so do what you need to so you can help yourself - if its cutting out your mom then do it, therapy do it. If you are religious maybe a support group through your church, whatever you need I pray you find it.
I am so sorry you feel so alone. Have you ever heard of the Liz Logelin Foundation? Liz's husband Matt established it when she died suddendly when their daughter was just a day old. They provide support and resources to widows with young families. Maybe it could be of help to you?
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jan 23, 2015 10:02:37 GMT -5
I have no good words. I am so sorry for your loss. When my Mom died, a few months later I was at a funeral for my friend's month old baby girl, and I remember the minister saying that "Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make some more bearable." I hope things become more bearable for you in the future. Hang in there.
Moms can say incredibly insensitive and rage-inducing things while trying to help. I know it hurts, but watching their daughters grieve is really hard on them too because they feel powerless to help. Moms are used to being able to "fix it". It's absolutely normal to cling to your husband's family in this situation because it feels like you're closer to him. It's also normal for your mom to want to be there and she's going to feel you pushing away from her and be hurt by this. My suggestion is that you be very honest with her when she says something that hurts, but have patience with her.
Also, if you feel you need to see your counselor more, you really should. Some PPs have given excellent advice on support groups and resources. My heart hurts for you and I hope that you can get the support you need and deserve.
Take care of yourself. This is awfully fresh, no one should expect you to feel 'normal'. I am sorry your mom is not the support you need. That's a pretty shitty thing to say to you.
Take care of yourself. This is awfully fresh, no one should expect you to feel 'normal'. I am sorry your mom is not the support you need. That's a pretty shitty thing to say to you.
It's going to take more time. How much time is very individual. It took 18 months for my mom. I was living, going through all the motions, doing all the right things with my h/kids/work/socially but I wasn't really there and I didn't know it. Until the fog I was in lifted and it was 18 months.
It's easy for me to sit here and tell you to be patient with yourself but please do that. Don't beat yourself up when you have a bad hour or a bad day or a bad week. It takes time, the loss of parent is awful but I would think the loss of a spouse is at minimum double the difficulty and you have 2 small children to compound it.
Please just keep reaching out - another therapist, a group, friends - whatever it takes and take it in small bits until you can take bigger bits. Get through the next hour or couple of hours, then a day and a couple of days and so on.
Do what you can to get through your day and don't worry about the rest and don't worry about what others think or say. Do what you need to survive.
I don't even know what to tell you, other than that I am sorry. I've spoken to my dad at length about his experience after my mom died (I was 7), and he describes just feeling lost. He leaned on a lot of people, though, and asked for a lot of help.
Do you have any local friends, siblings, or siblings of your h, who can help you, or just be there?
If you don't mid sharing, where are you located? Perhaps there are some local gbcn'ers who can offer some support. If you're in the Seattle area, I'd love to help in any way I can, even if it's just for a cup of coffee.
I'm in the upstate of South Carolina. Greenville to be specific. I doubt anyone is around here.
Thank you.
I went to school in Greenville and still have many good friends that live there. My heart breaks for you and what you are going through. I would be happy to put you in touch w/ some folks in Greenville that may have resources/support. Do you go to church at all or are you interested in that type of thing in the least? If so, one of my friends there specifically, has a wonderful, loving church.